Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Numbing Out and The Pit

I have a good friend in my Hand Classes who is very loopy -- no, that's not a pejorative, it means she has ten (10) loops on all ten of her fingerprints. Her Purpose, her Lesson and her Foundation is all about EMOTIONAL AUTHENTICITY -- the School of Love. It's a pretty rare thing -- and nearly impossible to live your truest self like that, but she's doing it. Step by step by step, inching her way towards herself and a true healthy relationship -- yes, One has appeared at her door at exactly the right time to help her learn this.

Our teacher told us years ago that our fellow student, she who was prone to panic attacks when she got near the thought of an authentic relationship, would be the one we all would go to someday for our connection/relationship issues. My friend balked at the time and went straight into another panic. I've never forgotten it. And now she is my Guiding Light.

So I dared to open my mouth yesterday and told another human being -- her -- that I was in The Pit again.

She told me I was in the hardest part of my life -- between who I truly am, and who I thought I was. I'm stuck in this cesspool and I can't get out. But why? Because I dare to actually challenge the old beliefs about myself -- and those beliefs are fighting back big time. They don't want to die.

Those beliefs that I'm a fuck-up, I'm lazy, I can't be depended on. They ring so loudly I hide deep in my apartment so no one else can hear me flog myself with them. YOU GODDAMN IDIOT LOSER.

"And what is your non-negotiable need with your Water heartlines?" she asks.


"Are you connecting now?"

"With you, yes. But I can't talk to anybody. Not anyone close to me. I can't let them see me like this. A mess, a mess. And I can't talk to them about them either... I'm empty, dry. I'm the one who usually helps... I have wise answers -- but I can't help myself out. I'm really a piece of shit."

"Then are you really being authentic? Are you letting them be your friend? Or just a client? And you're doing that #7 thing again: you really don't believe you can't depend on anyone, do you?"

Smart-Ass Me shows up. "Yeah, so don't go trying to depend on me!"

"Ah. So the it's easier to be undependable then having to admit you need to depend on anyone else?"


"Wow. You must be very afraid."


"You've fallen and you can't get up -- not without help but you just know you can't depend on anyone... you must be so, so scared."

"Oh... oh..."

"So how are you numbing yourself out? More frenetic escapism?"

Goddamn! I hate that fucking #7 Enneagram Deterioration phrase. That's what the fuck I've been doing with BlogExplosion -- numbing, numbing, numbing. And what is numbness really?

It's School of Peace hell -- I'm in FEAR and PANIC. I just numb out to cope.


Okay, I just paraphrased our talk -- but for once, in at least a couple of weeks, I was able to get back into my BODY again and I wept. For me, that's a very good sign -- I'm not shy about crying, but it's hard to get to the truth... I'm usually in my HEAD theorizing, escaping, planning.

Get into your Body. Cry. Walk. What are the skill sets for School of Peace?

1. Realize you're in a panic.
2. Breathe until you relax.
3. Know that you will not die in the next five minutes.
4. Separate your present circumstances from your self-esteem -- you are NOT these current circumstances.

Check. Get into body. Nature. Physical movement. The Earth will support you.

Next up: School of Wisdom -- The Head.

1. Realize you are in your head.
2. Make the two-foot drop into your gut.
3. Take action on what you already know.


I won't go into to the School of Love (Heart) or Service (Spirit) because I'm so stuck in these schools right now -- I have to get back on the planet. Too easy to get into my head.

Just came back from short walk with the dog ("her" walk) and then took a long one for me. Feel better. Body is tingling. Good sign. Blood had forgotton how to flow.

I'm so full of shit. I have absolutely NO JUDGMENT on my friends when they need me. NONE. But I disappear when it comes to myself. Why am I so critical and harsh with myself? (Disintegration into #1.) I have to unlearn this.

How? Not by motivational talk -- I can talk up a storm and guess what, I'll make it about you. Get into body. Get out of head. Take action on what you already know.

And remember, you have water heartlines. (DAMN! I hate that there are skill sets for eveything!) You are sensitive, especially with others. You have to be sensitive with yourself. Where's that Mammy in there that knows how take care of you and coddle and protect you? Tell her you have a damn ouch-y -- she can't do any of her mojo if you don't show up! And where's The Nanny, Phoebe Figgalilly, so she can make everything all nice and pretty?

You feel bad, Missy. You're stuck. You can't work. You can't do anything. For yourself or anyone. You're drowning again. Can't breathe... gasping...

TELL YOUR FRIENDS. You won't look bad, we promise. They can be with you.