Saturday, November 26, 2005

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Movie Dream

I hate middle of the evening naps. Shoot.

In this dream, I was making a movie... starring Uranian and me... about getting married. But it was icky... he didn't want me... my parents were watching so we couldn't be real... EVERYONE was watching so we couldn't be real... it was such a struggle.

I woke up from the dream and the first thought was of a book:

He's Just Not That Into You

I've read this book. I LOVE this book. It's sobering and it's real. If a man is truly wants you, he will do the work. (ME: If you are meant to be together, wild horses can't keep you apart.) friends, rejoice! I've dropped my expectations to absolutely ZERO with Uranian. I have a flirty friend who's growing and learning just like I am. But he's just not that into me. It's true and it sucks. THE END and I'm fine. :)

If I stay "in the flow" -- I can really enjoy this new friendship as what it is. Be in the moment.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Keys to My Heart

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.


All true.

I'm still wanting him...badly... and I don't know if it's growth or insanity, but I want him to want me like THAT. Flirting all over the place, but I've at least grown from high school, NO FIRST MOVES from me.

And any other time I've had relationships with men, it's very first quick, almost instant that I know... I've never had a romance develop from friendship... sounds backwards, huh? Don't even know if I can do it... and the fact that I can't... what is the "healthy" thing?

I'm speaking nonsense.

It is Finished

Four years of Hand Analysis study (which included one year of Enneagram):


I'm so pooped... more later...

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Crazy Kisses

I'm in the middle of hell weekend... so tired, but have to blog about this... TL finally mentioned I was a little more "wet" -- meaning emotional -- because I have water heartlines. Uranian smiled... he didn't know how watery I was...

My weekend of Enneagram week -- Seven week -- and I was on the panel... just everything is so rough...

I couldn't keep my paws of Uranian... hugging, kissing on the cheek... took forever to say goodbye...hugs/kisses, hugs/kisses...

Last final kiss on cheek I just blurted out, "I just can't stop kissing you!"

He just smiled. Probably very flattering for him, eh?

I'm an idiot and I feel crazy.

Friday, November 18, 2005

I Move On (A great Chicago hit)

The Universe says MOVE, dammit -- and you move.

Jack found out today my three-unit apartment building has been sold, but they won't close until the first of the year. Hmmm. His realtor gave him good figures if he still wanted to make an offer, but he got discouraged...and then found out he was "let go" of his current security post and now has to interview again on Monday. That sucks. But I guess the Universe is telling HIM something also.

Hopefully there's a little time... I need to get my wits about me. Everything is ending right now and unstable! (And my car's even in the brochure... No, NOT my car, thank you.)

I did find out Saturn is in Leo in my 7th house... relationships -- all relationships, but mostly "partner" relationships are going to be real now, out in the world, not dreamy-landy...well something like that. Peeling away layers, keeping what's good, leaving what's excess.

And so it is.


WOO HOO! I love my hair in a bob, and this one's got long shaggy layers underneath (that you can't see). Lookie, R, I got a bob again! Tell me you love it!

Nice poundage lost after a month at the gym... and lost a ton at the salon! I couldn't help myself, my hair looked so BAD... and then of course I walk by and it says "Women's Haircuts start at $14.99."

I'm no dummy, I know that means we'll bargain... so of course I pulled out my "living as a student and poor" story that really is no story, and the lovely Armenian Rosa gave me a good deal. I said no blow dry, but hell when you're in the chair, it's hard to say no. So I'm happy. It's so funny, I would've hauled out the scissors myself if I didn't already know from EXPERIENCE it never ends well.

Felt good though... at least it wasn't SUPERCUTS where they nickel and dime you to death. This from a woman who used to go to Alex Roldan at the Bel Age Hotel on Sunset in Beverly Hills, or with Salazar wherever he would end up. I LOVE SPENDING OODLES OF MONEY IN SALONS! But only when you have real money to spend. My money is not my own right now.

But I think I'll treat myself once a month to a little something. She of course said she'd give me a deal on microdermabrasion... hell, it made my one girlfriend look TONS younger and softer... what the hey, why grow older and uglier?

Got to make some real money again. This feels too good.

A Seducer? Who, ME?!

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm"You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone...Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-)
You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear.Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing.The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person.
Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life.You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face.Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Half-Nekkid Thursday #5

It's not me this time, but according to the rules, I'm allowed to TAKE an HNT shot, which I did!

This is after dinner at a Oaxacan restaurant and we had the requisite tootsie pops (Hi Viv!). Happy HNT, all!

Spurred Heart

It's amazing, after all these classes...

I'm supposed to be a "healer" and "artist" and all around "ulnar person" (which means focussed on the inner world of intimacy and creation, as opposed to outward success and power).

And yet I'm reminded this week JUST HOW SHITTY AT RELATIONSHIPS I AM.

I've got the protective armour of a dinosaur too... and I cringe at the expectations I continually discover I have of myself.

It's horrible.

I really wanted to get to know this fellow -- let's call him Uranian, some people will know who this is, others who know astrology will know what he's about...

We've been spending nice time together, nice LONG time, hours even... and I've got it in writing... yes, I bring joy to his belly! Pretty good for a perfectionist like him to have a change of heart and attitude, eh... I'm not bad.

But the next day, I was wiped out... no self-take care on my part... bad news. Could barely function and took myself to a friend's for two and a half day to coddle myself. (Thanks Chiquitita!) But saw him again...

my lipsAnd knew I would "just be a friend." AAGH! (And yes, those are my lips. He said he liked them. Merde!)

He was one of the aforementioned new male "grown ups" I've gotten to know recently... and no, I guess I'm not for him. Part of me wants to blame myself... what did I do? What did I do too much of? Did I flirt too much, make too many innuendos? Am I just always going to be disgusting and fat and someone UNLIKE his mother who makes him feel so totally unseen?

Because now I feel unseen too, and that's what's most painful: HERE WE GO AGAIN.

Me without love.

Too much crying lately... I can't take all the goodbyes that are happening this month. Hand class is ending -- good, because I hated the commitment, but I'm saying goodbye to a structure that held me for four years.

The apartment I've been living in for ten and a half years -- up for sale. Where will I live? With who? How?

God, I'm feeling sorry for myself... I just want to have a partner... be with one man that knows me, sees me, holds me. I'm so lost right now, and really, really sad...

I just don't know how to do it. How do people keep their heart OPEN?! Eight weeks of Alchemy of Love and I still don't know how to do it.

Monday, November 14, 2005

In writing

I just have to put it in writing... I have to marry for LOVE. That's it, nothing else will do, as good as it may sound sometimes.

Cryptic I know, but for today...Hey.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


Just came back from a DGA screening of RENT with Gonz at the Pacific Design Center ("the Blue Whale") in West Hollywood. I can't believe I've lived here since 1978 and I've never been there... except maybe once to see if they had change for the parking meters. Well, it is a design industry showroom... why would I be there?

Anyhoo, the place was packed, and with a mixed crowd, not just the old white folks (read: ancient SAG members) who were at Steve Martin's "Shopgirl." And after the first song, which acted like an overture, the audience applauded like crazy, me included, as if it were the first song in a live a musical. It was thrilling.

(Check out the "Seasons of Love" video here -- "measure your life in love" -- how cool (and innocent!) is that?! :)

Oh yeah, and I cried like a baby during that thing too, right when Tracie Thoms starts a-wailing. What else is new... a musical overture and me is definitely a recipe for weeping.

Why is that? Am I reincarnated frustrated musical theater star from the '20s or something? Or have I just missed the boat here and now trying to find my place in the world?

When I told R that I was going to see this today, she said, "Oh, yeah, that's the show Kevin and I decided we had gotten too old to for."

"What do you mean?"

"We watched the show on Broadway and just thought, 'Hey, why don't you just PAY THE RENT?!'"

Well, I did laugh at it then... and when I saw the rest of the movie after the "overture" I knew what she meant. Guess it's this generation's "Fame" or something (where I also always cry like a baby at "Hot Lunch" -- I'm not proud!).

I do remember that time in NY though -- I was 26 in 1986 (this was supposed to be 1989), and it all felt right and exactly the same. I was a mess by the time I left in 1988, completely depressed, basically not being asked back to work on "The Cosby Show" and deep in recovery at Debtor's Anonymous 12-step meetings. I'd go to lunch meetings and after work meetings... I remember being in those basement floors of churches with 8-10 folks in a circle, and feeling safer and more sane than I'd ever been before. And of course, that's how I found out it was time for me to "get well" and leave NYC.

For remembering all that, I will love this movie RENT. I enjoyed seeing Taye Diggs and his wife Idina Menzel (Elphaba!), and watching that Jesse L. Martin sing and dance (who knew?!)... but I couldn't stop oogling Rosario Dawson (she's gorgeous), and loving the character of Angel. Go Wilson Jermaine Heredia -- I'm a big fan now! (And my confirmation name is Jermaine... I know, strange... but it was the closest saint's name I could get to G3rry Alt@mero. hehehe)

The music was so-so... a bit to rock-ish for my taste, I bit too "on the head." But the production was great. Except for "Seasons of Love," I barely remember anything... except Collins and Angel dancing in the street. I hope I find a love like that someday.

One last thing: I forgot, and am GLAD TO HAVE BEEN REMINDED, how bad AIDS was then. No one lived when they were diagnosed, no one... and no one talked about it, it was that scary. Back then it was mostly gay men getting it, and when I worked on Cosby as the Director of Guest Relations (I know, big title, blah blah blah), I had a crew of Broadway ushers that worked for me/us on tape nights. The head usher, Mim, had a one fellow, Bill, she adored... and he had these weird marks on his face. I didn't know what they were... small little bruise like things. I didn't want to ask what they were, I didn't want to know. But a few months later, I heard this sweet man had died, and Mim was distraught. I was just so ignorant and naive...

I'm so grateful for what AIDS is not now...and I KNOW WE'RE NOT DONE!... and I'm glad this movie reminded me too.

Friday, November 11, 2005

For Our Vets, 2005

This story will always move me. Always.

The Story of the Unknown Soldier

Armistice Day was observed all over the United States by veteran's parades, public services both religious and secular, with two minutes of silence to honor the dead. In 1920, the British Unknown Soldier was buried in Westminster Abbey, the burial place of kings and queens; that same year a French Unknown Soldier was interred at the Arc de Triomphe in Paris, where a perpetual flame burns.

In 1921, the American Unknown Soldier, symbolizing all the unknown dead, was chosen in an unusual way. Six soldiers of the American Army of Occupation in Germany were selected from different sectors to act as pallbearers. They met at Chalons-sur-Marne, and were interviewed by General Rogers. Next day, Sergeant Edward F. Younger of the 59th Infantry was asked to make a choice among four caskets, with unidentified bodies disinterred from American cemeteries at Bony, Belleau Wood, Romagne, and Thiaucourt.

When the sergeant was ready to perform his solemn duty, he received a bouquet of white roses, with instructions to proceed into the City Hall at Chalons, where the four caskets stood. Sergeant Younger realized fully the grave importance of his action; and after bowing his head, he walked around the coffins three times. On the fourth round, he seemed involuntarily drawn to the second one. Reverently, he laid the roses on it, saluted and reported to his commanding officer that he had accomplished his mission.

The body of the Unknown Soldier was brought home on the cruiser, Olympia, reaching Washington, D.C., on November 9, 1921. For three days thousands of people passed by as the body lay in state in the rotunda of the Capitol. For this important Armistice Day in 1921, President Harding requested that flags be flown from sunrise to sunset at half mast, and that all Americans pay silent tribute as the casket was lowered into the tomb at 11 A.M. on November 11, 1921. There were elaborate ceremonies. High army, navy, and other service personnel, along with diplomats, who had followed the caisson to Arlington, heard the President's address. Many wreaths came from all over our country, and from abroad, these were placed on the plain white marble tomb, on which is these words:

Here rests in honored glory An American Soldier Known but to God.

Veteran's Day 1968

I've always liked this holiday... maybe because it's one of the first holidays that I remember clearly.

Our family and the G's (and perhaps others too) were going to have a picnic in the park off Hesperian Blvd. in San Lorenzo. Of course, the night before my parents were up late skewering the marinated beef chunks for shishkabob, and getting everything ready for the coolers. Parties like these were no small matter... we never just ate hot dogs and hamburgers (those were what "Americans" ate), we had full out steaks, chicken and the fun shishkabobs, as well as pancit (rice noodles), rice (still in their rice cookers), macaroni salad, lots of soda and all kinds of funky desserts.

I didn't know what Veteran's Day was, except that we were going to be in the park all day with the families... good times. (If I ever find the picture taken that day, I'll repost it here.) But maybe since all our dads were in the Navy, it meant something more to them...

When we woke up the next morning, my mom said that our "uncle" Tito Tony called and that his wife and the mother of buddies, Tita Tessie, was in labor. Dad said, "Yes, she had a boy! Get up so we can see them all!" I was so excited because there was going to be a baby around, and now I was old enough to take care of it (or at least handle it)!

But when we got to the park, I heard the REAL news -- Tita Tessie had a girl, and her name was Cynthia Lee. Dad was just teasing us so we would get up!

So ever since then, November 11 has always been Veteran's Day AND Cindy's birthday. She's not a little baby anymore... she just married herself a wonderful Welshman and had her first baby, Jack (pictured above).

This one's for you, Cinch -- Happy Birthday and love to Steve and Jack!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Half Nekkid Thursday #4

I'm a Certified Hand Analyst... I have to put up my left (inner world) hand at some point.

(Yes, it's a fiery hand with a water heart line... if you know more than that, please don't tell everyone about all the "issues" I have! LOL)

Happy HNT!

A Memorial for Claudia's La Rue

I was so priviledged to accompany Claudia last October 24, when she had to put poor ailing La Rue down. Anita and I went with her to the vet, but she went in with La Rue alone. It was just so awful for her, and a sad, sad day. But La Rue that morning could not bear even being petted, and finally, Claudia knew the day had come.

Sunday, she celebrated La Rue with her friends and planted her ashes in a beautiful potted camellia tree.

Some of La Rue's friends: Patric, Anita, Claudia, Kathy, Viv, Tracy, Madley.

A photo of La Rue.

Randy and DeCarla came by later (I love this picture, thank you very much!)

And after a walk...look what odd sculptures one can find in Los Angeles!

More photos of the memorial are HERE.

Blessings to you, La Rue.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

But I knew that ;)

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Friday, November 04, 2005

I'm A Dirty Little Secret

I feel so boring right now, when the truth is, I'm just feeling relaxed. So let's take a test, shall we?

The Dirty Little Secret
Deliberate Gentle Sex Master (DGSMf)

Innocent but fundamentally sexual, like the word "finger". You are the Dirty Little Secret.

Few women have the confidence for sex mastery, and among nice girls, like you, it's almost unheard of. So congratulations. You've had plenty of adventures, but you've remained a kind, thoughtful person. Your friends appreciate your exploits. They even live vicariously through you.

Your exact opposite:
The Wild Rose

Random Brutal Love Dreamer
You seek pleasure, but you're not irresponsible. You are organized and cautious, and you choose your lovers wisely. One, you don't like dirtbags. And two, you like to maintain control. Or at least lose it selectively. You might notice that older men single you out. They have an eye for your sensual nature. Take it as a compliment.

You enjoy making people happy, and it's inevitable that many guys will fall harder for you than you for them. You're not completely comfortable in a serious, long-term relationship right now. Our guess is that the key to extended happiness will be finding a responsible, but kinky, mate.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Hornivore, The Manchild, The Last Man on Earth

CONSIDER: The Bachelor, The Backrubber

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Sweet November

I'm so looking forward to staying put! I was in Sacramento, Idyllwild and San Diego for three weekends and I'm broke and pooped.

At least I'm taking my pills regularly combined with seeing my trainer :) twice a week has made my sleeping absolutely delicious. Tonight is an exception... I usually sleep a bit earlier and wake up earlier... and I feel very rested. Could be because of the time change and the weather...

It doesn't matter. I feel better, and it's time to get some real work done.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


Got this from the answer better than I thought I would (thought I'd be Lucy!):

You are Woodstock!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
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