Monday, June 27, 2005

Too Pooped to Pop

Just got back from San Diego with my parents -- and they left just maybe 15 minutes ago on their way back to the Bay Area. Will write more -- lovely weekend (mostly), that started off as a disaster with the f.u.'ed plumbing in the main line in all three apartment... let's just say I get new carpeting in both the living room and bedroom tomorrow or Wednesday. Thank god the house was clean!

More later... I need a nap. (I always need a nap around my folks.)

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


Full moon and empty arms
The moon is there for us to share
But where are you?
A night like this could weave a memory
And every kiss could start a dream for two
Full moon and empty arms
Tonight I'll use the magic moon to wish upon
And next full moon if my one wish comes true
My empty arms will be filled with you

Music by Sergei Rachmaninoff (Piano Concerto No. 2)
Sung by Frank Sinatra


But of course, in my Googling frenzy I somehow found this video of The Rhythm Society Swing Orchestra in Detroit doing "Night and Day" -- Jeffrey, check it out! It reminds me of jazz band -- such great memories of music making... isn't it funny, when I think of the ideal combination of musicians -- jazz band is always the one I think of?

Maybe I need to remember that for my recital!

(Okay, not so blue now. :)

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

"Full Moon Empty Arms"

moonMy mother would always say that whenever I'd point out there was a full moon. And I always hated it. She never explained if it was about her, or who she learned it from... but she it seemed like she was mocking me. Me and my empty arms.

I asked her once why she never tried to introduce me to a nice boy. She said, "Because you know better who you want." I always thought it was because she was ashamed of me.


I'm really feeling this full moon for some reason. Maybe because I'm studying astrology... or that I've finally given up the sleep fight.

TL got me this weekend about my sleep. My last bastion of rebellion hood... and I just cried. I tried to not be bratty, tried to stand up for my stupid vampire hours... but the truth is I feel awful with irregular hours. If I'm staying up (like now) it's because I overslept yesterday trying to make up for LACK of sleep. Now my day is off again.

Seems I'm always fighting myself with this damn sleep. So I promised I'd talk to my doctor about a really, really mild sleeping pill... and I hate it! I don't WANT to take a pill... it scares me, like I'll never wake up... and WHO AM I when I sleep with the rest of the world?!?

UGH. I'm getting weepy all over again.


And listening to West Side Story did it to me again... it's not often I let it get to me, but I think meeting good men these past few weeks... the longing for love -- my love -- is back and rearing its ugly head. It's awful to feel so alone.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Sleepy Kate, A Cajon and The Two-Step

And it was even the "Mate Selector" day in hand analysis today! TL was so hesistant to talk to us about it... she said it was THE BIGGEST SHOWSTOPPER THERE IS, even bigger than a broken major line (life, head, heart).

Because if we have, say a Jupiter Mate Selector (like I do) -- it's a completely disowned part of myself. That I admire so much the Jupiterian qualities (confidence, no doubt, leadership, authority, power, etc) IN SOMEONE ELSE, I don't even think it's POSSIBLE to have those qualities myself. So I end up wanting a mate who has it.

Well, our whole class had at least one; one woman had all four! It was intense...
but we all lived... and laughed.

Then off to the monthly dinner party at TL's house -- oh how fun! I got to play with beautiful Kate, and I knew that beautiful almost-two-year-old be able to sleep in my arms... wow, do I love that feeling. Got to talk on the couch with my fellow Enneagram #7s Gonz and Tracy and tried to figure out if Andrew was one as well. I didn't get to hear the outcome... but it was fun, whatever it was (of course it'd be FUN, it was a 7 couch!)

Catheryn made a great spaghetti meal, Viv hooked up with some ladies who will be taking her to some 'clubs' then Patric brought out his handmade cajon drum and started accompanying Eli on the guitar. How fun was that? And then Tracy and I started doing the BUMP... hahaha how long has it been since I've done THAT?! LOL

Eventually a bunch of ladies were dancing the cha-cha as I sang "La Bamba" with Gonz... even Maria, our new #4 friend who graciously was on our panel last night -- so glad she felt so comfortable with us so soon! And we also toasted the newly engaged Lynn and Stephen... two of the most deserving people around as they are really WORKING THEIR STUFF.

Then on with more dancing... and Patric and I ended up trying to dance the two-step to some Loretta Lynn that TL put on! Oh right before that I sang the only thing I knew in German: "Val-de-ri, Val-de-ra!" and can you believe it Patric knew it and sang with me in German!!! But he did say it was Fal-de-ri with an "f"... so I learned a new thing hehehhe

So after the two-step and foxtrot with Patric, Tracy and her sister Jamie sang "I Have A Dream" from Les Miz... OMG, what beautiful, BEAUTIFUL voices. I have to use them in my recital. THEY ARE TERRIFIC.

I coulda gone show tunes all night, but we were all faded. Can I just tell you -- my life feels SO RICH right now?! Fresh, full, deep. Just delicious!

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Happy Father's Day!

I made these cards yesterday to send to my Dad and my two brothers... I know Dad will love it — he enjoys seeing his old pictures on display! (My brothers, on the hand DON'T.) Oh well, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY to you all!

BTW, Had a nice long talk in freezing Venice the other night after a show tonight with an old "acquaintance" who's becoming a new "friend." May I just say that the fellas that are walking into my life lately -- RP, AH, PH -- are really... big-hearted, MEN. They are interesting, deep, sensitive, masculine, strong. Not that they are available to date because that SO isn't the point. In these three cases, it's just that their energy is GOOD! HEALTHY! LIFE AFFIRMING! I must be doing something pretty okay :) and I'm grateful.

Balanced testerone is a wonderful thing.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Renaissance music and Yoda

I'm a little too wired and wound up to listen to my usually Showtunes channel on AOL radio -- if I hear anymore EVITA, SUNSET BLVD or PHANTOM OF THE OPERA I think I'll croak and curse the name of composer who shall not be named forever (A.L.W... BLECH!) So Renaissance music it is tonight... feels very calming, very REAL to me right now. I need settling down.

My stomach is a bit nauseous right now... I'd just taken some Advil at the movie theater with Viv C. at The Grove. We went to see Stars Wars after a HUGE Brazilian BBQ dinner (meat galore woohoo!) -- after a long Enneagram class studying #4s and on barely any sleep... I warned her if I started snoring she better tap me -- which of course she did in the beginning because I really didn't get any of it.

I think all the effects kinda made me sick too... I only really got into when Hayden Christensen got bad and Jimmy Smits appeared -- JIMMY SMITS? LOL I was a bit in shock there... the best part was watching YODA. (Not listening to him, all that backwards talk made me nuts.) He just reminded me of My Beloved Yvette:


(Boy, I miss you, girl.)

Mr. Hayden and Mr. Ewan were cute enough to watch... but that movie make me ill.

I'm a sucker for New Letters

DLL\"e\"30 cutler / / yoga\

I got this from flickr but don't exactly know the link to it... I think it's fun!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I did it!

Poor Laurie, has been waiting forever for this crazy piece... but after 2 hours, it's finally done, spell-checked and sent via e-mail. I was supposed to do something realy short -- 775 words, but OOPS, I went about 500 over.

Oh well, it'll give her a lot to cut... I hope it's something cohesive!


Yeah, I'm feeling pretty rotten about myself lately -- stressed out and overworked, things falling apart all over the place.

I have to turn in a short article I've been avoiding for days, weeks, months it seems. I'm feeling so guilty I can barely stand to be in the same room with myself... so I'll just bookend here.

I'm finishing this sucker up -- I'll be back in one hour.

Friday, June 10, 2005

No Munchkins for Madley

momNo munchkins, but no menopause either ;)

At my last astrology class we were getting blown away -- or rather, dreamily swayed -- by the Virgo-Pisces evening, and for me, especially the esoteric phrase for Virgo:

"I am the Mother and the Child. I God, I Matter am."

Which I then proceeded to wonder aloud if I was pregnant. (I swear I must be the most irregular gal on the planet.)


But today I wrote my classmates back: "No babies -- but no menopause either ;)" And for once in a long while, there was absolutely no angst, no drama there at all. Very nice, very lovely.

On top of that, I got a nice e-mail back to boot from our 12th house stellium Lady L:

"That's okay - you didn't need the pureed peas all over your carpet anyway :)

"That said, you'd be a great Mom! Maybe we could organize a timeshare where we could cooperatively parent a child (you take Monday night, I'll do Tuesday night, etc)."

That was so nice to be acknowledged like that -- and funny too -- thanks Lady L! I don't know why that woman-of-all-women rite of passage passed me up -- especially since even as I youngster I wanted to be a midwife (I loved to visit the nursery at my mom's work) and I was good with kids too. But I know it's for some good reason -- and I just don't have to be sad about it anymore.

BTW, that's a photo of my mom and her eldest (me).

Monday, June 06, 2005

Look What I Did, Ma...


I read my piece about the quack doctor in the Philippines at Beyond Baroque in Venice last as the end of the session of Terrie Silverman's CreativeRites writing class... I was so proud of myself! Felt weak in the beginning and bit in the end too -- needed a little editing I think but got pretty warmed up doing Mom, Dad, etc. (Not bad for writing the open/close that afternoon... I changed my mind last minute about what I was going to read!)

Hell, other than that, I did everything I could to be prepared (nice comfortable clothes, hair straight, makeup even, and a highlighted black binder with my piece in it). I'd done my "Jack Nicholson walk through" at the show the night before -- apparently Jack checks out his venues and gets comfortable before he actually have to perform there -- and I KNEW I wasn't gonna read some loose or stapled papers there, nor was I going to sit.

I also was nervous because this was a Saturday class, and I kinda floated in all the classes because of my weird schedule and didn't feel like I belonged anywhere! So, I prepared my introduction for Terrie to read too, and took fairly good notes at the tech (where the hell was everyone at our call time at 6?!? Ridiculous!) But eventually... the whole thing was just such a natural thing to do... is that okay to say without bringing the wrath of the Compliment Spirits on me?! hahahah (Guess you had to be there.) I had a lot of (nervous) energy going in but calmed down once I started doing Mom. Who knew I had such stories?

Got a little too punchy on a few funny lines too... hopefully that slid by because I wasn't ACTING it, just doing voices (I don't profess to be an ACTRESS -- yet.). And got a GREAT note from R -- the characters were all clear and different, only one character needs a little help, she said... ME! hahahah I was in a good place so I could hear that well.

The variety of performers was amazing. We started with Carrie, a slightly disabled girl reading her piece in a bikini, Andrea's lonely lesbian pregnancy, then Meredith the Aspiring Mom feeling inept with her two under 3, then me. :) After me the great Elaine talked about how Rita Moreno saved her life, and then there was an exquisite reading from Alla, an older ex-ballet dancer and Jew from the former Soviet Union reading, "Katya." Oh, her energy and reading and story was just so LOVELY, I can't think of any other word (Heidi gets claim to the "exquisite" word)... so calm, so gentle and meaningful, I could have sat there listening to her beautiful Russian accent all night...

After Alla was Orna, who did an improv on a novel she's writing about a progressive Hansel and Gretl. It was quite unique, especially with her accent from Israel, and she kept talking about men as wolves and vaginas sucking their blood... UNIQUE is all I can say to that! Then Kathleen did a fun piece about how she got sick on the Back to the Future ride at Universal Studios and was WAILING... really cute! And for the finale...

John F At tech, I'd met a cute guy -- and saw him later with his terribly pushy wife -- hey I've seen that before, when Christian Slater's then-girlfriend Nina Huang was yanking his chain when he wanted to stay and pet my then-puppy Tyler in front of Sushi on Sunset. (Yes, I used to walk my dog on Sunset Blvd.) Pushy, protective: "Stay away, ladies -- and come on John, we have to go home!" Bleech. May I never end up like that with my husband! And he can stay as long as he wants to after he performs... geez. (Or at least I HOPE I'm not the overbearing, jealous, protective, moody...)

John was the only male in the lineup and he closed the evening by trying out some new comedy material he was gonna do in NY in a few days. Boy, was he good, I LOVED his comedy and we were all rolling -- talk about a pro. (Fuck that JFsucks site -- assholes). I loved the fact that his mom was a nun and his dad was a Franciscan brother -- too great a story! And when my friend R and I asked if he'd been on TV (he looked so familiar!) he said, "a few things here and there." Duh! Americ@'s Funniest H0me Video's replacement for Bob S@get with Daisy F. plus a lot of guest hosting and VH1 things. HUMBLE. (His name is John Fvgels@ang if you can figure that out -- I don't want any of this be searchable because I wasn't too nice to his wife up there -- and yes, Jeffrey, really familiar huh?! ;) Humble is good, I liked that -- and there was a nice handshake to boot.

Went out afterwards to the divey but tasty La Cabaña w/ CJ, Kathleen and Kathleen's VERY STRANGE friend Fern (I am being kind here). She was really pushy about my reading her hands at the table and dear CJ was politely trying to shoo her off so I could eat. She kept looking ouside herself for answers -- completely acting out her Lesson of POWERLESSNESS right there in front of us. Horrible horrible. She was also an astrologer/psychic who did readings herself but who never charged... (I did I mention she was in the school of Sacrifice?) Uh-oh, I shoulda known better. But I was feeling so annoyed I actually said go ahead, do ME now. And she was okay for "whip creme on catshit" as TL calls those kind of readers, but I know better, especially since I've been trained by the best in doing readings -- I take the best and leave the rest (cat shit). Learned later she dug hard into poor CJ... ooh, I hate people who don't know the effect they have on people when they read and end up beating peoplea their core. NOT GOOD. And because you haven't paid them... they don't take any responsibility for it. YUCK.

Before the show at dinner, I told R to remind me that if I really wanted to be "talent" from now on (after being below-the-line since forever), I was really going to have to act like it. NO having full days before performing. NO rushing to the theater, NO non-professionalism with my cohorts, and most of all, NO acting like an asshole to the below-the-line folks, but NO acting like one either. If you've ever been one, you'll know what this means -- think how a secretary acts when the boss is around... sorta.

[I remember once I told my cousin Hector that I hated when my cousins in the Philippines called me Ate, which means older sister/relative (but still your own generation). I said it made me feel old. He told me to just let them do it as their sign of respect to you... and the people younger than them will do the same, and that's the way it is so relax. I've never forgotten that, and now I LOVE when they call me Ate Madley! And recently, my 11-year-old niece was going to introduce met to her batch of different nationality friends and she whispered to me: "What should I tell them to call you? Madley? Miss Madley?" Not wanting to remain a "Miss" forever, I opted for Auntie Madley. hehehe I love that these non-related, mosly non-Filipino kids are going to be in their thirties someday and will still be calling me Auntie Madley... because that's the way it is.]

Anyhoo, the best thing: John F. saw ME perform... and I actually was talent tonight alongside him, not just an audience member. WOW, that felt good. I've come a long way and am pleased as pancit.

PS. Had two disturbing dreams last night: (1) That my youngest brother had deep dark, unbelievable secret he had to tell us -- he was dying of AIDS -- and if you know my brother, this is quite amazing and completely gut-wrenching; and (2) I was makin' out with tuba player and quarterback John Sutter again. WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN?!

Friday, June 03, 2005

Good God...

I can't sleep! GRRRRRRRR

Hey There Astrology Classmates!

I told ya I give y'all a shout out — Viv, Kim, Louise, Mia, Elizabeth and Ms. Heidi!

Heidi Rose BTW, here's a picture of of our dear Esoteric Astrologist herself, Heidi Rose, after her "The Alchemy of the Heart" talk last month. (You look MAH-VELOUS, dahlink!) Anyone out there in the blogsphere want an insightful, supportive esoteric astrological reading (in person or the phone) Heidi is the person for you (we all ALREADY know how fab she is)!

So, gals, after class, I was way too wired to go home to face the computer work (missed ya, Viv)... so off to the bookstore I went to buy The Alchemist. It's been on my mind lately... I'd read it before, but quickly and don't remember much. But for some reason, I think Sergio Mora ("The Contender") said he read it and boom, there I am in Barnes and Noble.

Grabbed it at 11PM and off to the coffee shop I went, highlighter in hand and munching on zucchini sticks until 2:25 AM... what a great read it was again, especially about one's own Personal Legend! And now I know I won't forget it... there was so much talk of the HEART, which is what Heidi talks about in her talk... hell, I didn't even realize people even COULD be full of HEART until I saw The Contender, when these rough-housing, full out boxers talked about each other having a lot of HEART. Soften the heart, listen to, strenghen it... Ahhhhhhhhhhh What does it all mean?!?!

AndrewGuess I'll find out at her workshop on the 11th. Can't wait.

Oh, BTW, fellow bloggers and classmates, take a gander over at THIS GUY'S blog! It's Heidi's husband, Andrew and his Triathlon Journal. He just put up his journal which is a great read -- send him a comment or two to encourage him to get back on the blog!

[Oh, and you can leave me one too :) See ya Monday!]

Hairy Hoser's Music Play

Hey y'all go over to my blog-buddy Hairy Hoser's Let the Music Play post and try and guess the song to the first lines on his PC (and tell him Madley sent you :) I'm usually good at that... but I guess maybe that was in the 70s! LOL Good luck and hope you do better than I did!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

"She's GREEN!"

Mad Mad I'm Elphaba from Wicked! (Can't wait, Jeffrey, 6/29 I haven't forgotten :)

Actually I'm just in a piss-ass mood today. Hopefully better tomorrow... want to go to astrology class badly, just to connect with people again. Too much on the computer lately... and "feeling too much" to blog.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

40 Questions Asked and Answered

[Stolen from One With Cat.]

1. My uncle once: escaped from the Japanese in the Philippines in WWII

2. Never in my life: got married

3. When I was five: I gave my Barbie a pretty bob haircut

4. High School was: the most I was "me" for a long time

5. I will never forget: the first time ;)

6. I once met: a french chef from Bora Bora on a red-eye to New York... that's a HELL of a story I'll write about someday.

7. There’s this girl I know: who can't wait to be a "real" lesbian -- she's looking for "butches" so you know any, let me know

8. Once, at a bar: I felt uncomfortable. I always do. Filipinos just don't do that ("where's the FOOD?"), and I can't stand the smell of beer.

9. By noon I’m usually: just waking up or still asleep

10. Last night: I was just a little bit miserable. I've heard it was Moon in Pisces blues. If anything, I remembered I had been forgetting about taking my Lexapro... and took one.

11. If I only had: a comfortable, steady income

12. Next time I go to church: will probably be when I'm around my parents

13. Terry Schiavo: too sad -- could barely stand to hear about it

14. What worries me most: I'll leave this planet without accomplishing what I should

15. When I turn my head left, I see: an air conditioner and pretty green plants covering the driveway fence

16. When I turn my head right: a kitchen that's inhabited by an 8-year old brat (me)

17. You know I’m lying when: I giggle (because you've already suspected.)

18. What I miss most about the eighties: living in NYC and weighing 121 pounds.

19. If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: Kate from "Taming of the Shrew" That'd be fun. However, DramaQueen in here would love to be Juliet stopping at the Lark/Nightingale scene and meeting her Romeo over and over again and never grow up... in reality, I'd only get cast as the Nurse. "A sail! A sail!"

20. By this time next year: I'm getting ready for another adventure... anywhere!

21. A better name for me would be: Vampira

22. I have a hard time understanding: Myself. And French.

23. If I ever go back to school I’ll: take theater and film and not worry about not getting cast because of my skin color. I'd just go be as BOLD as I was in high school.

24. You know I like you if: I can't stop talking with you or I start teasing you.

25. If I won an award, the first person I’d thank would be: Mom and Dad. Of course.

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: Unique? Have no idea about Slim Pickens -- is that a real person?

27. Take my advice: teach your kids how to have a bedtime and put themselves to sleep. It's torture as an adult... my worst vice.

28. My ideal breakfast is: FREE! Anything with scrambled eggs -- steak, corn beef hash -- eggs benedict... Ooh, I also love DINNER at breakfast too. haha

29. A song I love, but do not have is: Old Devil Moon (I don't know why I have this THING for that song... a cute young fellow sang 10 years ago in a seminar I was called the Joy of Singing. It still sticks and I don't even really know what the heck that song is ABOUT! (Heya, love ya, Warren!)

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: hanging out with people who live here so you'll know the "real" LA. There's nothing to see, and none of it is in guidebooks.

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: Crisp and clear? LOL

32. Why won’t people: STOP TALKING about NOTHING!

33. If you spend the night at my house: it must mean I really like you to let you see me at my worst -- and that you're crazy to want to do it.

34. I’d stop my wedding for: a relative's untimely death... but other than that, the show goes on because it's been THAT LONG in the waiting! hahahha

35. The world could do without: Britney Spears, her mate and their spawn

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the belly of a fat, ugly, hairy guy -- or girl! YUCK!

37. My favorite blonde is: Madonna, when she's blond.

38. Paper clips are: the best, especially all the different colored ones

39. If I do anything well, it’s: making a mess

40. And by the way... I never get tired of these things!