Friday, October 29, 2004

For a TRAY?

OMG, I'm shopping for these deviled egg trays online -- how fun! And they range for $3.99 to $340.00 -- can you imagine, $300 bucks plus for a tray to hold EGGS? Check it out: Shocking!

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Deviled Eggs

I'm such a crappy cook, but boy do I loved Deviled Eggs... and these spidery ones crack me up! (Hey Meredyth, it's getting to be that time again :)
Spidery Deviled Eggs

If deviling your eggs isn't enough this Halloween, spider them too. Cut pitted black olives in half lengthwise and nestle one half on top of an egg for the body, and then cut the other half crosswise into thin slices to form the creepy legs.

Classic Deviled Eggs
From Real Simple

6 peeled hard-cooked eggs
3 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 tablespoons plain yogurt
2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
Squirt of lemon juice

Cut eggs in half, lengthwise. Remove the yolks and blend them by hand with mayonnaise, yogurt, Dijon mustard, lemon juice, and salt to taste. Spoon the mixture back into the whites. Dust with paprika.

Yield: 6 servings

Heavenly Halloween Hands

Just got back from reading hands in Long Beach for a regular gay man's dinner group -- there were 40 fellas there in costume and me :) There were lots of K-Mart inflatables and even a rabbi and a priest coming in together -- they called themselves the beginning of a joke that you had to finish yourself: "A rabbi and a priest go to a gay party..." (Jeffrey and Alan, you crack me up!)

I haven't done my count, but my hosts tell me I must've done about fifteen 10-12 minute readings... I was pooped afterwards, but boy did I have fun! Some of them fellas were so cute, and one guy in drag was just impossible to imagine as a male!

Most of them were also in the 35-50 year age range and in long-term relationships, so it was a very mature group and they took what I said seriously. One fellow was even in a wizard's costume, and after reading his fingerprints I told him he was appropriately dressed -- his purpose was Spiritual Teacher and should be teaching ME.

Actually, I had some pretty deep conversations in some of those sessions that were quite moving -- to me as well as to them. I swear, I love doing this.

Now I need to follow up with them and hopefully book full readings or get referrals... I swear, this is the hardest part... to follow up! I have to keep remembering I've got to help get this information out because I know the impact it has on people -- and get out of my own fear-of-rejection stuff... ah, take a deep breath and go!

But tonight I have to find my tip jar money -- first time I got to do that and it felt weird because what I do isn't "light party entertainment." Probably figures why I've misplaced money somewhere again! Yikes.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

These are few of my favorite... SMELLS :)

Got this idea from Stacey, Coffee-Smell Lover :) Started to write a novel on her comments, so I figured I'd post here too (Thanks Stacey!).

I like all the standard stuff... oh first of all, I have a kinda of deficient nose... teeny nostrils or something that clam up when it's cold and make me snore like a grizzly... but that being said:

The standard stuff: vanilla, smells connected to holidays and seasons: pine, pumpkin, cinnamon potpourri, lavender etc., roses, cut grass. Foodwise -- I love food smells when I'm hungry, otherwise it's kinda icky... but I do love garlic, BBQ meat, fresh bread, apples and anything Filipino. I love romantic smells -- all those aforementioned boy/man smells are great, never get tired of that.

But my favorite: A memory smell -- one of those that catch you off-guard that and immediately shoots you into another time of your life and you CAN'T not be there! There's one that hits me only once in awhile: The first time I was in love (at 16) in the Philippines... and it was a combination of freshly baked pan de sal (we stayed awake til the wee hours), burning wood (stoves? trees?) and rain. I'm sure there was a little "man" smell in there too, but I don't remember that very well. My eyes well up whenever I get that smell hits me... but it's a smell (and surprise) I always welcome.

How about you?


PS I forgot about the smell of jasmine and/or gardenia -- also first encountered in the Philippines with a flower called sampaguita. I have a night-blooming jasmine next to my front door here in LA and when that sucker blooms, I can't get enough of it... I inhale it like there's no tomorrow and it's like... well it's better than food and almost better than The Big O.

Penis Envy -- NOT

Last night's dream was not an unfamiliar one... there's always someone in there having a baby... a newborn... and for some reason that baby always turns into something freaky or else I dream I squish it or drop it or something... that's gross, I know, but hey, in dream talk that baby is a part of me that wants to be born and I don't like it, so it gets squashed.

So I dreamed my cousin had a baby -- and it turned into a penis. A white penis. I kept trying to not freak out (in the dream), but I did anyway and woke up.


My Life Rating

Got this from Smashlee:

My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?
HAHAHA, no big surprise! LOL

Monday, October 25, 2004

The Enneagram

The Enneagram

For Stacy and Joann and all you curious folks out there -- this is the most incredibly deep system I've ever encountered, even though at the surface it seems just light-weight as "What color are you?" and "What tree are you?"

This isn't like that.

For a quick introduction: Enneagram Introduction and Research. There are links to the Riso-Hudson Test(s) (one free, one not), etc. And one of these days I'll have have a section on recommended reading as well.

Also, don't get hung up on the "labels" they put on them. Like "The Enthusiast," "The Perfectionist" etc. Everyone who uses it has a different "name" for all the numbers to make it easy for people to relate to... I find it very limiting and, as some practitioners do, choose to use the numbers alone.

So, when you get a chance... let me know what you think...

From your 7w6 (7 w/ a 6 wing), sexual subtype :)

Saturday, October 23, 2004

IK (Heart) EG

Ilia Kulik and Ekaterina Gordeeva
Ilia and Katia, Antwerp, 2003
(Photo: Susanne Kempf)

I wrote a song!

Well, just the lyric, actually -- and it took me maybe fifteen minutes to get it all down! WOO HOO!

I called Jeffrey and just barfed up my whole Tony/G3rry dream again and told him I hate to whine to anyone and he was so sweet: "I've known you too long to judge you, I never do -- it's whining without judgment." Is that not sweet?! Damn him, I told him I want a boyfriend and he said all his friends were gay. DAMN.

Anyhoo, another friend completely interpreted it the way I needed it (psychologically, Jung-ingly, etc -- down-to-earth, as in "You know everyone in your dream is a part of you, it's not about the person themselves." Rats, I know that, I just wanted to feel LONGING for awhile... but it got me off my butt to realize it's about the acceptance of the "young male" part of me that's ready to go out into the world (as opposed to the female part I've been sending out to do a "man's job" and has been fucking it up all over the place -- of course she would, you wouldn't send a man in to breastfeed now would you?)

Well, la-di-dah... it's boring to write here, but it's out of my system and I got sick of my own dang apathy... so while waiting for Jenny to get to her house from the store, I sat out on the steps of her apartment building and pulled all the "feeling" shit out, told a story et voilà! out comes a song. Three stanzas and a chorus, and even a little twist, if I can figure it out correctly.

I'm so impressed with myself -- I caught the inspired moment and ran with it... and I think I have a country-type story and I don't generally like that kind o' music! Must be all this redneck talk lately ;)

P.S. I DID end up finding G3rry Alt@mero online -- apparently he won $10,000 in a Reno casino! heheheh

Friday, October 22, 2004

"Frenetic Escapism"

I HATE that this is the phrase that pegs a 7... because everywhere in my life I see that I do it... even writing here is doing it! SHIT!

Last night I finally got the old electric heater out and slept slept slept... and it was so warm and toasty I barely got up this afternoon... and I dreamt of Tony Bardwell (a guy in high school who was just there, meant nothing to me), which turned into a big dream about G3rry Alt@mero... the big daydream of my life. Yes, those are there real names because I can't find them on the internet and they'll never find me anyway). I say daydream because I think I've only ever spoken to him for an hour and a half all together... but I had a crush on him from 4th grade to 12th grade (with various other fellows in between).

It was the most incredible dream... I actually got proposed to and that's certainly not ever happened in my life OR my dreams.

Yes, I'm going to talk a long walk in the park after that one... G3rry Alt@mero and frenetic escapism...

Skating Down Memory Lane

Oh, boy, all I need is encouragement to go on with my "past life" in order to avoid the future and the now (no, not that past, that's entirely a different topic [past lives and past life regressions])... but I dug stuff out anyway.

Of course I'll start with the best (towards the end of my "job" :)

The Noise Crew

The Percussionist and Sound Man (or the other way around), Sarah Kawahara, Ilia, Gregg Russell the Tap Coach and Yours Truly freezing her ass off and trying not break her neck. It also looks like we have a little ectoplasm with us (a ghost) -- or someone just breathed hard near the camera.

This was taken at one of the few rehearsals in Simi Valley at Sarah Kawaraha's rink. She's Scott Hamilton's choreographer and eventually did the 2002 Winter Olympics Opening and Closing Ceremonies... she's such a nice woman! She was fortunately harder on Ilia ("C'mon, you should be able to do four double axels in a row -- you're the Gold Medalist!"), but that's okay, sometimes he could be a big sleepyhead (I should talk... no, maybe I shouldn't). But this was quite a diversion for him, since he was working as his own choreographer since his win, and now he was working with veteran. He paid attention.

These four or five sessions weren't at the regular rink -- I don't know why this dang "hideaway" rink was so much colder than Iceoplex. I never had to wear gloves before, but my fingers would have frozen on the videocamera if I didn't. Oh, BTW, that was my "job" -- to videotape him and run the (music) tape player at practice (I know, I know, lucky me!).

Rehearsal here was at 11:00 pm so we could have that rink to ourselves with all the sound stuff. Ilia was doing "Bring On Da Funk, Bring on Da Noise," tapping on ice like Savion Glover to this funky song -- and he had microphones on his skates! Hence the sound man and a live percussionist too. It ended up being a great hit, "Noise." Three years later Sarah actually put Savion and Ilia on stage tapping together (well, one on stage, one on ice) at those Closing Ceremonies -- genius!

It was a cool adventure away from the other rink, and the bonus: the first day there I was shaking hands with Scott Hamilton -- gulp! He came in to check the youngster out with Sarah, and to tell Ilia where NOT to park his porsche because he would get bird crap on it, because he knew from parking HIS porsche there. LMAO -- birds will shit on Olympic medalists too.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

101 Things About Me -- An Epic

Ah, tonight is as good as any to at least start this list… in looking at the other fab women who’ve done this, it’s 101 Things About Me, not 101 Things I LIKE About Me. Thank goodness – I don’t think I could come up with that many, especially in the pissy-*ss mood I’m in right now…

Here we go!

1. I have an old pug dog named Yvette.
2. I had a sheltie named Tyler since he was 5 ½ weeks old who I still I miss a lot.
3. Before these two animals, I’ve never had a pet before, save a fish or two and a turtle. My sickly brother was allergic to cats so Mom stayed clear.
4. (DELETED) Sorry and thx, M.
5. I started piano in the 4th grade and played first clarinet until 9th grade.
6. I switched to sax so I could play in jazz band. My teacher gave me a tenor because I could carry it, and bari because I could blow into it. I was not thrilled, but eventually marched with the tenor.
7. I played the recorders in Collegium Musicum in college. I loved the Renaissance music… ended up playing the bass recorder (which needs a neckstrap!) because, again, I was one of the few who could keep air going through it. I guess I’m just a blowhard.
8. I love Donald Trump!
9. I have an autographed book from Donald Trump to me from Bill Cosby’s assistant.
10. I used to work for the exec producers of The Cosby Show in NYC. I LOVE NY!
11. I used to work in Saks Fifth Avenue ON Fifth Avenue (in Corporate Compensation) – I’d never be able to work in retail otherwise because…
12. I am not a clothes-shopper!
13. I was big as a kid and ended up being an excellent seamstress because of it. As a senior I took sewing for an easy A – my classmates were making aprons and I was making my mother’s nursing uniforms, prom dresses, costumes and overalls.
14. I do not own a sewing machine anymore.
15. I knit and crochet. Learned in 4th grade but only like to do things that knit up quickly.
16. I once spent $80 on beautiful striated deep purple mohair, made a beautiful cardigan… wore it for a year without cleaning it, and then ruined it in the dryer. What an idiot.
17. I’ve never lived in a place where there were laundry facilities since I’ve left my parents home (except for the dorms).
18. I HATE THE LAUNDRYMAT (even though the one I go to now is the best, newest one ever).
19. I know how to say thank you in Ethiopian (went out with an Ethiopian by way of France – we spoke broken English and broken French and I found out they don’t eat rice – isn’t that what we send over there?!)
20. I love ethnic foods – I’ll try almost everything! Ethiopian is great if you can handle eating with your hands – or someone else’s (the oldest person at the table gives you your first bite… it’s an honor… I think it’s cool, my friends think it’s disgusting and unsanitary.)
21. I’m a snob about European things – especially the food – and often dreamed of being Eurotrash.
22. I wish I could speak ONE OTHER LANGUAGE well. I understand Filipino but can’t speak, and I fumble around in various other ones, but nothing enough to get out of an airport. :(
23. I can say Hi, how are you? and Thank You in Armenian and love Armenian food. (There are a lot of Armenians where I live, and I have had many friends… no guys though)
24. I was born and raised Roman Catholic. Once I went to college I only went to church when I was near my parents.
25. I joined the Church of Religious Science in my early 30s and followed Dick Sargent in line the day we became members. (Yes, that’s the second Darrin on Bewitched.)
26. I actually dared to take my parents there once. Mom fell asleep (“Look, everyone else is!” …they were meditating) and Dad loved the minister (“He speaks the Truth”) but both wanted to know why they didn’t talk about Jesus? hehehe
27. My parents are leaving for India on a tour with their priest friend and 27 other older Catholics for 15 days tomorrow morning.
28. I hate it anytime my parents are out of the country (which is often), I get worried, as if I’m their parent – I hate it! But I’m happy for them.
29. For being Europe-loving snob, I’ve only been to Amsterdam, Brugge (Belgium) and Paris. But it was great.
30. I once HAD A JOB in Lugano, Switzerland teaching drama to rich kids in summer school – hired and ready to go – but I chickened out because I never asked my parents for money to get there. I regret that to this day.
31. I once fell in deep LIKE with my current composition professor, whose birthday is exactly on mine. He’s French, grew up in Mexico and is the most incredible composition teacher and mind, cute as a button and sexy accent to boot. So glad we're friends now!
32. Now that I’m NOT in LIKE with Dr. B, life is better, but it’s hard to get motivated to compose again!
33. I have read over 300 pairs of hands.
34. I cannot believe that I am truly undecided in this election – it’s the first time ever.
35. I once lost 105 pounds in 9 ½ months healthfully and looked incredible for three years.
36. I went for three years plus with back-to-back abstinence with no sugar or white flour, three meals a day and nothing in between. (Who was that person?!)
37. I then gained it back plus more because I wanted to eat the powdered sugar on the Tunisian/Moroccan dish b’stilla at my birthday celebration.
38. I refuse to go back to Overeaters Anonymous H.O.W. to lose that weight again, as good as a program it was for me.
39. My first 12-step program was Debtors Anonymous and I was quite instrumental in bridging some specialty meetings from NY to LA.
40. I also belonged to SLAA – Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. My first assignment from my sponsor was to not talk to any men on the phone once the sun went down. And no drivebys (to stare at the object of my crush's apartment).
41. I had a short affair with a married guy – he was my acting partner for the kissing scene in The Rainmaker. He was the best Starbuck and I was a terrible Lizzie… but once we finally kissed (we’d been too shy to actually do it), it was way too incredible… but he was only married for three months and we never got to actually doing it (thank goodness) but got close… and we sucked when we presented the scene too. After that, I just quit that scene study class… too painful to be there and he was the stage manager too… but I did give my sheltie his last name… Tyler GABLE… man, he was sexy… probably still is.
42. One of these days I will fit into a teddy and stockings again, I swear before I die.
43. I’m too lazy to consistently have my hair done… and I actually like this little patch of gray on the right side of my forehead! (Just like my godmother :)
44. I had brain surgery because I hit my head on a slide at Raging Waters. They kept me in the hospital for 7 days because I was also having a 28-day period – and had hemorrhaged myself into a hemoglobin of 7 (instead of a normal 14) and should have been comatose. That marked the beginning of my big downslide into depression and eventually a new turn UP in my life. :)
45. I love giving makeovers. First one was when I was five – I gave my Barbie a bob!
46. I used to be a paid Color Consultant and did lots of makeovers.
47. In 1983, long before all these other makeover shows, I worked for a health and fitness show and we did the first “Lifeover” show where they would change someone’s life, not just their clothes. Trainer, nutritionist, fashion consultant, hair/makeup consultant, etc… and weekly appearances on the show and cameras everywhere. But they couldn’t have a failure… so they picked me! Dream come true for me – they just needed to have someone they could “watch” and it was a nighmare… fortunately I got a shrink for a year too – and a fun little documentary (15 minutes) done on me and 25 pounds lost in 8 weeks. I also got three fan letters. Hehehe
48. Despite my rotten experience, I love true makeovers… but advise great caution. One of these days I’ll really write about it… it’ll be a chapter someday, that’s how funky it was.
49. I am a terrific FAN. My hand teacher makes fun of my Jupiter Mate Selector (which means I’m only attracted to powerful, no-doubt, total confident people) because I’m trying to find my own power through them instead of developing my own.
50. I was a fan of Scott Baio (Happy Days and Joanie Loves Chachi) before I went to college and told everyone I was going to LA so I could be close to the Happy Days set. Ended up sophomore year I figured out how to Hollywood on the 182 bus and cut many Friday classes to go to the tapings and dress rehearsals. Ended up meeting him many times as a fan (yuck), but only a few years later wound up working with his brother’s fiancée who was the makeup artist on the above-mentioned health and fitness show! Hahaha Currently I think he’s permanent bachelor and I hear he’s a dog with his women… doesn’t matter, I’m not blonde!
51. My very first “star” crush was Davy Jones of The Monkees, and now of infomercial fame.
52. No that’s a lie… there was David Henesy of “Dark Shadows” (who I’ve just read is a hotelier in Jamaica and Colombia) and Mark Lester of “Oliver!” (who is now an acupuncturist). Boy, that was fun just now looking all that stuff up… I’ll have to illustrate my list later!
53. But my first real true “star” was Donny Osmond. Yup. I was going to become a Mormon for him and he and I and Marie would be the best of friends. Ended up I just BECAME Marie Osmond later in high school. (Ah, another opportunity for pictures!) I did end up meeting him on that said health and fitness show and gave him flowers on camera. What a dream!
54. Then I pretty much got into “real” guys… until 1984’s Summer Olympics and I lost it over Greg Louganis, Gold Medalist Diver (as I'm an Olympics junkie). And when I heard HE was coming to the show – well, everyone teased me that he was as gay but I didn’t care and loved the 10 minutes I got to talk to him.
55. Oh, I forgot Andy and David Williams in the early 1970s – Andy Williams’ (the singer) nephews. Yes, I’m on their mailing list now too, and met them at a gig they did at a coffee shop in the LA.
56. Good grief, this is whole thing is sounding like big time namedropping and I’m a stalker with no life of my own – truth is I just had a great imagination and no guts. By the time I got to Cosby I was pretty damn jaded (finally!) and the tried to be a fan to MYSELF and have tried to make my own mark.
57. Until I met Ilia Kulik, Figure Skating Gold Medalist, 1998, three months after he won his medal. Met him online actually, asked him if he wanted a fan club, he said yes, gave me his publicist’s number and I ran with it with a bunch of other Krew like me. Then he moved to LA… and well, that’s another whole story itself. Iliushka is the best and last – nothing can top working with him and getting to know him and his family. Ever.
58. Okay, back to me… how boring, I feel like I was doing the Donald self-promotion thing… ick. The stories are better, the names just sound yucky.
59. I have two younger brothers who graduated from Ivy league schools (oh dear, I just did it again).
60. My mother was a registered nurse, my dad a US sailor. Very typical couple of the Filipinos in the America in the ‘50s.
61. I went to Occidental College early decision (I only applied to one school) – it was the east coast atmosphere and college life I longed for but was too chicken to go to and I wanted to be near the entertainment industry (read: Hollywood). I have always loved this college. Maybe that’s why I'm having such a hard time leaving it!
62. I kissed my first boy when I was five years old. Garlind (sp?) was in the third grade – my first older man.
63. I kissed my first “real” kiss in the 7th grade with Brad E. in a garage party at my house – something I never thought about often until I saw him at our 25th high school reunion last year – and he told the whole world I was his first kiss! Yikes! I do remember it wasn’t great (where was his tongue?! Oh, I’m a bad girl.)
64. My favorite part of my body – my hands! Loved my fingers and my nails since I was a kid – no wonder I’m a hand analyst! My palm... well, there's much too much to know in there now...
65. I was a nun in a past life – no joke. (I do live in LA, remember?)
66. I have always loved my hair too. Always. Hate the idea of coloring it… but hate looking old.
67. I once worked as a “nanny-babysitter” for nine months, 10 hours a day, of a 2-year old named Shannon. I LOVED THAT LITTLE GIRL! I was only 23 and her mom said, “Just make sure she gets fed and gets a nap – and have your regular days.” So she and I (and a friend) went to the Hard Rock Café for lunch before her parents ever did… she played with Tyne Daly’s kids… oops, there I go again.
68. I’ve always been with YOUNGER men. Runs in the family.
69. I don’t smoke. Can’t inhale, never could, not in a cigarette, not in a bong. Figure I have enough vices. But I love the smell of pipe smoke.
70. I have long legs and a short body. An old roommate said I looked like a dancing M&M – how’s that for a picture!
71. I’ve been to Tokyo with my brother and sister-in-law to act as nanny for my 4-month old niece. I saw a lot of the hotel, and about a mile diameter outside of it. My first meal outside of the hotel was to have Russian food with some Kulik’s Krew friends in honor of Ilia. Someday I’ll go back to see the real Japan, especially after The Last Samurai.
72. My favorite romantic movie is A Little Romance with Diane Lane. I will never ever get tired of that film, and it always makes me laugh.
73. Hey did I forget Mel Gibson? I did. But he was only for the movies… saw all his old ones when he was an unknown. My favorite war movie is (there are many!) is his Gallipoli.
74. I also had a thing for Jeremy Irons. YUMMY. And I love that he’s FUNNY.
75. I only met my grandparents (on mom’s side) twice, and could say nothing to them, nor could they talk to me. That’s sad.
76. Until I was about 32 I hated all things Filipino, except for a few families and the food. When I left home for college I left it all behind me… until I met a professional (shock!) psychologist at a temp job – she introduced me to Filipinos in the arts and it changed my life.
77. My play Carabao Bookends was selected as the Theater Entry for the Festival of Philippine Arts and Culture. I wrote and starred in it and it was received well. Unfortunately, me as an actress sucked – didn’t focus enough on the great role I wrote myself!
78. I hate cooking. I hate being around food unless it’s time to eat. YUCK.
79. However, I LOVE GREAT FOOD, and adore all the cooking shows.
80. I don’t own a working TV. Not since December of 2003. Shocking to me!
81. When I have access to cable television, I only watch HGTV and The Learning Channel. When it’s regular TV, it’s The Apprentice, The Bachelorette and Law and Order.
82. If I have to come back, I want to be a triple-threat Broadway star and be Maria in West Side Story and look like Catherine Zeta-Jones. And I will marry an Antonio Banderas clone.
83. I still haven’t paid my student loans.
84. I’ve got lots of $$ owed to the IRS. Again.
85. I’ve never owned property or had more than $2,000 in a savings account, ever.
86. I have NO IDEA what I’m doing after I finish my degree. But whatever it is, it’s going to be organic – from the person I am, not who I think everyone will accept me as.
87. My parents didn’t give me a car in college because they feared I would pick up hitchhikers (even though I never did and never have before ever).
88. They did instead buy a house for me and my (sort of) cousins to live in right after college -- where I did end up picking up lots of strays! (roommates, not animals).
89. I did have a young cat for six months named Montague (from Romeo and Juliet) because he had an M in white hair on his forehead of gray – he ran away the day we were taking him in to get fixed. Talk about ESP.
90. I’m completely amazed I’ve gotten this far and a bit horrified at my diarrhea of the mouth… but will continue because I’m so close to the end!
91. My first crush who crushed on me back was when I was 16 – but we met in the Philippines and it was never meant to be (another epic story). It's the subject of my second full-length play that's gone through at least seven full drafts in 10 years. AARGH!
92. My next boyfriend after that was when I was 31 – and I was still emotionally acting like a 16-year-old! Scary. He was a cutie from New Zealand… but it lasted only 3 weeks (!!!) as he got together with the woman who became his wife (and then ex-wife).
93. When I was 36 I met and stayed with "Jack" for four years, even though I knew after two weeks it was IMPOSSIBLE – I just wanted a boyfriend no matter what. What a mess.
94. I love musicals. I’m not fond of opera – well, not any I’ve seen or studied.
95. I’ve made a few short films. I’ve STARTED many short films.
96. I eventually want to make features -- that I write myself. An auteur!
97. I LOVE ORCHESTRATION (setting something written on the piano to all the instruments in an orchestra).
98. I’m not fond of composition. YET. I don’t feel like I have much to say there.
99. I love plays but can only write full-lengths. One-acts bore me.
100. I love the fact that I’m facile on the computer and can even build websites that look and work well.
101. I’ve come to terms with not having children from my body… although at times it can make me really sad. But I think it’s that I didn’t have a child inside of me that makes me sad… now I’m seeing that I probably will always be a good auntie and a lousy mommy. Good thing Somebody Upstairs figured that out for me.

WHEW! So much for not being able to come up with 101 things -- I still have more to write! Goodness, what an 7 (Enneagram #) Ego-maniac I am! But now I'm not in a bad mood :) And I'm glad I wrote this.

And if you actually got through it -- well, by golly, where I can send you a medal?

Monday, October 18, 2004

OMG So happy to be home!

Back in LA, after another weekend of hand analysis and the enneagram, which by the way is really kicking my ass! At least I got another slab of meat -- ribs this time -- to ground me a little.

[I will have to say it was a traumatic time driving back from Newark -- it took me 12 1/2 hours -- yessirree, you read that right TWELVE AND HALF HOURS. I KNEW I should have left at 11 PM when I'm wide-awake -- last week when I left at 11:10 PM I got there by 4:45 AM -- 5 1/2 hours, sun and traffic free. (I finally figured out that I always want to sleep in the car when then sun's out!) This time, I couldn't even get out of Livermore (15 miles out) before taking a nap -- I had to stop every hour for a snooze, and one time for a big two hour NAP. YIKES! I'll drive at night from now on -- I didn't leave earlier because mom and dad don't like me leaving at night -- I just realized that's for their comfort and convenience not mine!!! What a pain in the ass this last time was!]

I have a staff meeting at 10 am tomorrow on the westside again... but when I get back I'll rest (do "Venus time" thank you very much) get back to this lovely blog.

Until then... I have to go deposit some $$ in the ATM so things don't go bouncy-bouncy in checking account -- thank goodness for all night banking!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Stuck in $5/month Dial-up HELL

I'm still at my parents' home who have quite the timer on their [miserable] dial-up service so I'm just getting on -- Oh MY, I've been missed :) That's so heartwarming!

Real quick -- I just pulled an all-nighter so I could finish an 8x8 [frickin'] scrapbook my parents promised their buddy priest who accompanied us to Hawaii -- oh good god, it's been a [another] scrapbook nightmare. They just left for daily mass with it in hand (with five minutes to spare) AAARRGGHHHH! Mom thanked me profusely -- I told her it was worth a thousand bucks -- and she didn't flinch.

Can't wait to get to MY home Friday night :) and DSL...

Thursday, October 07, 2004

101 Things I Love About Me

HAHAHA I'm sure that's not how this started -- BTW how DID this start? Somehow I've run into a bunch really cool ladies here in the blogosphere and they're all doing it... so why NOT? (Hello ladies :)

First things first -- I can't sleep for shit and it's 8:35 in the morning. I think I'll pop another Midol, that'll put me out and I'll do this list in the car to Northern Cal. Or if I'm awake in an hour, I'll start it then :)

Rx for Heaven

The Miracle Drug
The Miracle Drug

Thank God! (And chemists too.)

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

My head ACHES

I just woke up from a nap (its 8:42 PM) with a splitting headache -- I can't tell if it's stress or allergies, or blood pressure or that time of the month, or eyestrain or what!!   AAACK!

My old practitioner from Religious Science (as in I'm no longer a member) said that a headache is about not doing what you know you should be doing... but my head hurts so I can't figure out what that is...


So I took a Midol and drank some water.  Wonder what that'll do -- I hope something.

Blog surfing - by day and by night

A weird time of day for me (yes, 3:47 in the afternoon) but I started surfing and realized that I was getting TONS of blogs in English. Shocking, actually, because I usually read them at night and I usually only get 13-year-olds from Japan and Singapore who've designed all their pages from scratch with (annoying) .midi music and huge graphics of babies and eyeballs...


When you surf, you get blogs of people who've just posted... so of course, the US is fast asleep when I'm reading -- but Asia is up and running and the kiddies are back from school writing in their class-required blog.

I've got to read more when there's daylight.

I'm still here :(

This is unbelievable -- I was supposed to be up north on Sunday. I've spent all day and all night (unless I'm passed out) working on this damn scrapbook for my mother for her 45th wedding anniversary Hawaii trip last July -- and it's WEDNESDAY.

Why did I think it would only take a 24 hours to do it? The f*cking thing had 173 photos and 35 12x12 scrapbook pages (front and back) -- that's 70 layouts and oodles of glue. Not to mention all the CAPTIONS that got reprinted from the website, cut and also glued to go with each pictures. Here's what they look like (and yes, you-know-who wrote the titles and the captions). Hawaiian Hell

I'm also feeling a bit sickish... I just got medical insurance again (yay!) and yesterday my (legal!) blood-pressure pills finally came in from Canada. So, since I was up a 6:00 am, I thought I'd pop that and a good old Lexapro before I fell asleep. Bad idea. The stuff kept waking me up to go to the bathroom every hour and a half -- not mention giving me dry mouth, making me a teeny nauseous, a terrible sleep with a headache to boot. That should all go away in a day or two. Man, why don't I learn my lessons about these things? I hate starting up again...

Actually, truth is I hate being on them, period. When I'd lost all that weight (14 years ago!) I had perfect blood pressure, cholesterol, etc. Now, 120+ pounds later, my body is ALL FUCKED UP without the GETTING FUCKED GOOD PART. (Well, that's not exactly true, but that's also another story. ;) [And no, that's not Jack.]

But I've got to get serious about this HEALTH thing... I'm not liking it in this skin much anymore and these pills SUCK. Next week I have all kinds of labs and treadmill stress test to take for my physical (gotta take advantage of that insurance) and there's probably good news from the mammogram I took last week. Although I think she shoved those boobs all over the place because all the muscles around my chest are sore -- bitch!

Well, back to those few pages -- hey, and I have a clean kitchen sink! Life is grand.

Imelda speaks!

"Filipinos want beauty. I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums."

MWAHAHAAHAHHA - can you believe it?!
And here's the perfect illustration of it:

Mad in Hawaii
My 7-year old nephew took this in Hawaii -- my favorite photo yet! HAHAHAH

Monday, October 04, 2004

Easygoing vs. Firm

Just sent this to Jack:

One of the things I like about you is that you can always be counted on. You're as good as word.

One thing I like about me is that I'm flexible and easy-going. And it's probably something you like about me too, as witnessed by the people you complain about and don't like in your life

But one thing is for certain: I AM NOT YOU.

I will agree that I need to work on "boundary" issues and being more responsible, accountable and firm. However, it's not your job to work on that with me -- actually, I would really appreciate it if you would be sensitive to my needing to work on those things. In other words -- don't throw gasoline on an already volatile and fragile situation here. Please.

If it's someone with good boundaries you need -- go find one. I'd really rather you decide to be my friend for what I am and what I'm working on, instead of wishing that I was more like you -- or different than who I am and am trying to be.

If I'm mistaken in assuming this is what you think, then please clear this up.

Via e-mail is preferable, not phone and not via a visit. Please note that I'm going away and will not very available except via email once or twice daily.

I look forward to hearing from you.


I feel amazingly calm right now. That's good, very good.

The Bachelor "0 for 5"
The Bachelorette "2 for 2"

Meredith and Ian

The Bachelorette, Meredith Phillips and her beau, Ian McGee

I just posted this an MSN board and I really liked what I had to say! LOL (I did have to correct it here for misspelling though. :)

Hi all,

I learned this from Dr. Pat Allen, who wrote "Getting to I Do" and does incredible seminars in the L.A. area:

"There's only ONE EGG, and there's a zillion sperm. In nature, as it should be." (Okay, something like that, I'm paraphrasing, but you get the gist.)

It's not chauvinism -- it's natural. We women are the ones who have everything to gain/lose and it's up to them to COURT and WOO us and give up their Bachelor Ways and grow up (Thank you, Dennis Prager) and hash it out with the other suitors (do we have to watch a bunch of women catfight about it to get "picked"?!) -- and it is only our perogative to say yes or no, because that man has to be Our Hero. What successful marriage did you see that the fellow wouldn't slay a dragon for the love of his his wife? Those are the men we need to be with -- Men Who Love US. That's why it works with The Bachelorette -- and I have 100% confidence that Jen will make it 3 for 3 because that's The Way It's Supposed To Be.

WHEW... I don't know where that came from, because my life is a hodgepodge of my dumbing down for men (pick me, pick me) instead of having them rise to the occasion or already BE at the occasion. Probably why I feel so strongly now.

Thanks for listening,
Madley (way past Cinderella age)

Madley Loses but Wins

Okay, now back to REAL reality.

Good Old Jack just left slamming the door and telling me to fuck off. Hmm. What's wrong with this picture? That I put up with this shit.

He always threatens to leave because I can't talk to him immediately, OR that I will talk with him sitting down, not eating, not futzing, not MOVING, just there listening and not interupting when I say I will.

Well, I'm in my room tonight finally finishing up a scrapbook (!!!) for my mother before I can go and get some rest (figure THAT one out, I'm one sick chick), but feeling good, listening to some really old jazz on the radio, lights and photos everywhere and dearest Yvette at my feet snoring away. (BTW, she's a lot better -- on antibiotics for infection.)

He comes over after a poker class, one of the events of that social group he blasted last week, wanting to talk. I say, let me finish this, eat a piece of salami, get water and then I'm available.

"Are you sure?"


"Completely available?"


"I'm double checking."

"Okay, yes."

So I get my salami in the kitchen where's he's doodling on the computer and he starts talking. I tell him I'm not done eating and he starts huff/puffing. I give the dog something to eat too and he puffs harder because that's not part of the deal, to feed the dog.

I feed the dog anyway, go to the bathroom, then go to my room to eat and listen to the jazz he can't stand.

"I gotta go. You said salami and now you're eating tuna too." (I never said I didn't have eclectic taste ;)

"Okay, okay. I'll stop. Here I come."

I pull a chair up next to the computer. "So, what's up? How was the poker event?"


"What's wrong?"

"You said you'd talk after you were done, not feed the dog and mess around. I'm leaving."

"Hey, hang on there. You don't have to leave. I'm sorry, you're right, I promised. I'm here now."

"I don't want to talk now, I wanted to talk when I wanted to talk before. If you didn't want me to come in, you should have said it was a bad time and I wouldn't have come in."

"Well, come on, Jack -- don't put me in that position, it's not very nice..."

"You have to decide if it's a good time for you or not then because then I just won't come in, I'll just leave."

I guess this is what he calls working on my boundary issues. He thinks HE has to work on it with me.

I take a deep breath. "You're right. I shouldn't have let you in. I was in a good place and hoped you would be too." (Let's see if that works.)

"I don't want to talk anymore."

Well. That's it for me. I was very calm:

"Okay, then get out."

"Get out? Get out?"

"Yeah, get out. You're always threatening to leave, so you can just leave. I won't ask you to stay anymore and fall for that 'making me feel guilty' stuff anymore. Get out."

"Well fuck you." SLAM (door) SLAM (screen).

I sat there deep breathing, but not in a panic. It felt great to not be in a panic or feeling bad! I just unplugged both of my phones and posted these two posts. :)

I think what I'm learning now -- take people at their word. And also know that I'm not the person he wants me to be -- someone as straightline and narrow as him. I'm obviously someone much more flexible -- for good (easy-going) and bad (not firm). As you can see it can be hard for me to have a backbone... but you know, I'm realizing my vertebrae do exist in there somewhere.

Also, I had resigned in mind that there would always be a Jack in my life -- because he's kinda like glue? Always there for me, bad or good? I don't know. But tonight... I actually daydreamed for one lovely minute or two -- life moving on past Jack and wishing him well, but far away...

It was really... rich.

Life as rich... what a concept. I like it already.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Weekend Wrap up

I'm going to visit my "elderly" (with a nod to DevilBoss there) this week for a little R&R -- I know there's something clever to call that but it's certainly NOT just for Rest and Recuperation -- ah, I know, Recovering (I'm exhausted) and Replenishment (I'm broke). But it makes me crazy before every trip -- like I want to be the neatest packer there so I arrive with my car, my dog and me PERFECT so they know I can take care of myself -- not to mention the apartment spotless so in case I die while I'm away everyone will THINK I was perfect.

Truth of the matter is I'm a wreck, my dog's a wreck, my apartment has always been a wreck, I don't take very good care of anything and I need to go the only place I feel like calling "home."

If that makes me a 44-year old baby, well, then there you have it.

Newark, California, here I come.