Thursday, January 06, 2011


Fell sleep at 6:30 this morning, then shot out of bed at 8:45 wide awake, energetic. Maybe it was just manic. God "said" get your ass to church so I was there in 20 minutes.

The rest of the day is haze. Got in a mess with my dad (absolutely my fault), and I've been sitting in the muck of it (after the apologies, head hangin' low and giving each other space -- AKA avoiding the hell out of... well, you know).

That's when I realized I've let myself slip again -- not taking care of myself, not paying attention to my own wants and needs. Like not taking my meds consistently since Simbang Gabi. I could be reacting physically to not having my drugs, not eating right, and definitely not moving.

No wonder I feel like crap. Put an emotional conflict on top of that? I just want to run. Or hide. Or both. Hence today's tweet:

Simple Blessing #6: Driving around at 2:45 am, listening to LA talk radio, thinking (or not) and just being my old vampire self.

I don't like that "ME" much anymore, but tonight... it was like an old comfortable pair of sneakers. I just want to get out.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

The Bonfire

Yesterday, New Year's Day, my whole family sat around a huge round table at dim sum (love those tables -- there's no head/hierarchy), happy and full. So I took advantage of those sated stomachs to tell them how special it was for me that we be together, all 11 of us, at least one day a year. Especially since the kids are starting to go away to college.

Brother1 asked Niece1 which college she wanted to go to so he would know specifically what college to light a candle for. She balked and didn't want to say, to not jinx it or raise everyone's -- including her own -- expectations.

But Brother1 insisted: "I don't want to have to light 15 candles!" (for all the schools she applied to). She finally admitted her #1 to a school in SoCal (yay from me!).

Then Sis-in-Law2 (her mom) says, "What about Nephew1, so he can get into BCP (high school)?"

Bro1: "I'm sure he's already a shoe-in, so he doesn't need a candle."

Me: "We'll just light a match for him then." (LOL. Later Nephew1 asked if he could at least have a lighter. Sure, Dude, you can have a lighter!)

So then I add: "Since we're all lighting candles and matches -- I want you all to light an extra candle for TWO things for me this year--"

Bro1: "A BMI of 30?"

(Ooh, he's quick.)

Me: "You got it, Bro1. Actually I only need to get to a BMI of 35, but more importantly, I want a kidney this year, and I want the transplant. I'm finally ready -- and I really need to have my life back, wherever that is."

Sis-in-Law2: "Okay, that's good, 'Day -- yes, of course! And the second thing?"

Me: "Well, as you can see, there are only 11 people around this table. If you notice, there's someone that's missing..."

One of the kids: "You want a dog?"

Um, NO. Not now, anyway.

Sis-in-Law2: "Ah... You want to get married!"

YIKES. I immediately back off (that fear-of-commitment thingy rearing its head): "I don't have to get MARRIED, but after all these years, I finally want to find my life's partner--"

"We're gonna need a bonfire for that."

Thanks, Bro1, ya got the line of the night. The tabled roared -- and I still giggle when I think about it. :) But I don't care... a bonfire IS what I probably need, and the bigger the better. Truly.

So... I'm thanking you in advance: please find a BONFIRE to light -- for me, my kidney and my man.