Friday, April 29, 2005

Ben Affleck, Dead Cats and...

My nipples!

HAHAHA In my dream, I'm at a friend's house that has lots of cats... LOTS of cats... and so many that there every fourth or fifth one was a dead one... yikes! Somehow Ben had to come find me at that house, and we were trying to clean up... we were grossed out but laughing... and all of a sudden he got some cockamamie idea he wanted to kiss me and feel my nips...


I woke up giggling! Although Ben went to my college (Oxy) and he's a tall guy, I've always preferred ex-Harvard man, Matt Damon... yeah, like I'd really have a choice... I'm still laughing though... probably because I was watching Project Greenlight last night... Hmm... Now THAT would be a dream come true, directing real-budget films..........................

Does Your English Cut the Mustard?

Hmmm... not too bad. :) And what the hell IS a halcyon anyway?

Your English Skills:

Punctuation: 100%

Grammar: 80%

Spelling: 60%

Vocabulary: 20%

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

I emerge!

3:41 pm the next day -- not too bad for 449 pages! And I was so proud of myself I actually solved a few of the puzzles BEFORE they characters did! I'm not a puzzle master, but boy do I love them. I have a Hal 9000 in my hand, remember? (The Grand Synthesizer, named after the computer in 2001 A Space Odyssey.)

What a fun read :) Went to Harry's Family Restaurant -- a lovely 24-hour coffee shop/diner and read there for awhile and had a terrific dinner of scrambled eggs and fried zucchini... slept for tiny bit and finished that sucker. Fun!

Now I can open the book Viv gave me for my birthday: SECRETS of the DaVinci Code! hehehe

But first... gotta run some errands before the post office closes! Darn that real life stuff gets in the way! LOL

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The (Damn) Da Vinci Code

I knew I shouldn't have started it! This wasn't supposed to be an "input" time, it's an "output" time -- write now not read! And you know the best time to read a novel is when you have LONG PERIODS OF READING TIME TO DO IT. Otherwise you MAKE long periods of reading time and do it anyway...

But somehow I ran out of bedside-to-get-you-sleepy- reading and picked up the book my brother lent me and...

I'm hooked. See y'all upon completion.

Oh what a night!


Must be left over stuff from yesterday's Lunar Eclipse.

Finished my two hours of writing yesterday (YAY!), but didn't get a chance to read it all in class. Today was my first Monday class at the new location and with the students who are supposed to be the final class... and everything was so damn distracting! People had to leave early for kids, for an audition, the street-cleaning trucks couldn't get by, cars had to moved -- and out of five, I went last again. Why do I do that?! Teacher said from now on, Madley, you practice not being last! Then of course I couldn't read the whole piece I wrote -- AND BOY I DIDN'T LIKE THAT AT ALL. So lesson learned -- be polite but take care of ME first. (OOh, so hard for a water heart line.)

Went straight to the bookstore to check out the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene -- the book Sergio Mora was talking about on The Contender last night that Joey Gilbert was reading about STRATEGY... man, is that a fabulous book. Some people might think it's manipulative and cruel, and yes, they quote Machiavelli -- but they quote a lot of other folks too... think what you will, but I think it's a terrific read! (And yes, I read La Princessa too, the women's answer to Machiavell's The Prince.) I love reading these mano a mano kind of things... the psychology of man facscinates me to no end.

Fell asleep and was 10 minutes late for my first Esoteric Astrology Class with dear Heidi Rose Robbins -- we studied Aries/Libra tonight and boy did I have a blast! Didn't realize I had so much Aries (and Libra) in my chart:

Sun Aries
Moon Libra
ASC Aquarius
Mars (ruler) Pisces 1st House
Mercury (soul ruler) Pisces 1st House
Venus Aries

Very interesting stuff -- I can't wait until I can read a progressed chart correctly. I'm still getting the glyphs for Jupiter and Saturn mixed up and boy, do I hate not having this language at my fingertips yet.

Afterwards, Viv and I went to House of Pies at Franklin/Vermont -- smack in the middle of Los Feliz/Hollywood -- great burgers. Viv asks me something about the new horizontals that have appeared in her right hand (of course they'd come up Viv, you're coming out into the world!)... and all of a sudden, this young, soul-patched and multi-pierced and tatted urchin fellow in the booth across from our table sticks his palms out and asks if I can read his palms. Never passing up a chance to look at hands, I said, Sure and tapped on the chair next to me (I'd read his hands, but I wasn't gonna move too).

He came over in a flash and I did a good short read that he and I liked. I asked about spiritual things because of all the stuff coming out of his moon... he of course says he's into witchcraft and showed me his 5-point star silver ring that matched all the other hardware on his face. :) , The weirdest piece was the huge hoop from inside his lower lip to his chin...where was the insertion point -- I couldn't figure it out.

But as we got comfortable (and anybody who knows me knows I like to ask questions!), we find out he's only been here for three weeks from Pensacola, FLA -- came with some friends to stay with a friend, who is gone now because she has cancer and he's on the streets and trying to find work (at The Grove, no less). I asked where his buddy was that came in with him... he kinda was shy about telling us they were at the strip club next door but he was only 18 and couldn't get in.

Of course, I'm thinking this could all be a fine manipulation (I'm in the town of actors and bums, remember, and sometimes they're one in the same), but he was way too naive for that, especially after I read his hands. I saw he was ambitious and an artist (he's a rapper), and even showed us his sketchbook (of some pretty scary drawings). Martin said he'd like to get into animation as well as being a tattoo artist (he did 12 of the 17 on his own body)... the whole reason he's here is family is really a mess in Pensacola and he didn't them to have to take care of him and his siblings too and he wanted to find his own way.

He also said he just found out February 18 that he became a father, and now he really wants to make something of himself so he can go back and grab custody. Now that may have been laying it on thick, and I'm telling you, maybe 15 years ago when I had all that room in the house at Eagle Rock that guy would've been sleeping on my couch that very second. But not now... a good hand reading and some encouragement to take care of himself (so he could take care of his kid) was enough.

As he got out of his seat, the fellow in the booth in front of him came over and said, "We couldn't help but notice that you read hands... would you be kind enough to look at my girlfriend's hands just for a moment? She's had a really bad day."

Of course I didn't mind, but I wanted to check with Viv... and she was very worried about our buddy Martin sitting alone in his booth. I asked Mara to sit down in the hot seat and her boyfriend (darn, I hate forgetting names) teased that I would be known now as the House of Pies Official Palm Reader. I thought that was cute -- as I checked out whether I thought they could afford to drop me a few dollars... but then I let that go and got down to reading her beautifully soft water hands/water heart line that were jam-packed with gift-markings... poor girl, I know she's not at ALL doing what she's supposed to yet...

Her boyfriend asked me if I could see she had a Pure Heart -- what do you mean by that, I asked, because I know she's sensitive, nurturing and empathetic -- and he said, yes, she is, and they smiled at each other... how cute was that? I also told her she had to learn how to maintain her own identity so she could get out the career confusion she was in (mole/freckle)... she needed to have the Courage to Have a Self (mole/freckle). There was so much more -- thank goodness her boyfriend had nice earth hands/earth heart line so they could balance her out.

Viv by this time has paid our bill -- and paid Martin's as well. She was at his booth busy talking with him when we we hear some "Zorba the Greek" type music on a loud speaker or... was it... it was! There was an old guy at a table with his friends playing a mandolin!

"Yes, " says The Boyfriend, "it's a rocking night at the House of Pies!" (And I didn't need an index card note to tell me I needed to write this all down as soon as I got home :)

We tell Mara and The Boyfriend about Martin's poor plight, and of course Viv is worried sick about him. We've told him about shelters, but he didn't want to go to them yet, he was trying to work it out on his own and he didn't seem like he was strung out on anything... but it was really time to leave before I started gathering a crowd.

But wait, here comes Martin back in the restaurant... he says it's too cold to go out right now. Oh poor Martin... and we just tell him to take care of himself and say good night to them all.

In the parking lot, Viv's still anxious -- we both know that we did the best we could do, and bought him food without supplying him with potential drug money, etc. At least we've been around long enough for that.

"Come on, Viv, let's go home. He's not a stray and we can't take him in." We need to take care of ourselves.

But then Viv looked in to the restaurant one last time. "Hey, look!"

I turned.

"They're talking to him!" Mara and The Boyfriend were sitting at the counter and talking with Martin.

"That's good -- right?" she asked.

We decided it was a great sign and hoped they all made a connection -- there were synchronicity markings in four of the six hands in there, so I'm sure everything ended up quite all right...

Whew! What a full, full, perfect and enriching day... full to brim.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Let's try it again

Timer's set for an hour because that's how high it will go. We'll see what happens.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Full o' Poop

So much for Sacred Writing Time -- slept right through it. Twelve hours of much needed sleep -- and the ole bod is aching because of it. And now, for more "other people stuff" (babysitting tonight) instead of taking care of me. Oh g-d (that's for the Passover folks), I'm really LOADED with it...

I did have some douzy dreams though (much to "sacred" -- ha, more like x-rated) last night, and I also dreamed Jack climbed into bed with me and gave me hug. I remember at the time wondering is this real or is he in a dream... it's such a nice hug... and it wouldn't be that much of the ordinary since he still comes by after work about 7:30 am to use the computer (which is really a-okay with me, unless I'm on it for a deadline, as was the case yesterday). And yes, yes, those who've followed the saga, Jack's still around :)

But what's weird was I couldn't TELL if it was a dream or not, and that's never happened before. The pillow was in the computer seat and the volume was turned off on the speakers this morning (the tell-tale signs of his presence), but I guess I'm just gonna have to ask him. And he'll tell me the truth... he's like that, you know.

I'm either going nuts or my conscious and unconscious worlds a becoming one big mush pot.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Sacred Writing Time

Oh for Pete's sake, I was the one who brought up the stupid phrase "Sacred Writing Time" in class yesterday -- that I didn't have trouble writing as long as sat my ass down at the computer with the intention to do it. I could futz around writing for way more than just the hour I'm allotting. (Thank god for blogging... kinda got me in the habit.)

So Teach called me on it! Darn her. I'm supposed to email her -- HER, not even a class buddy -- four Sacred Writing Times and keep those appointments. Ooh, I'm in trouble. Doesn't she know I'm pretty SHITTY at making/keeping/appointments?! AARGH.

Well, okay, I'll try it with the word SACRED. Hrrrmmph... if I just take a breath... That's pretty sobering. Out comes my calendar...

EEE GADS. Now I have to schedule my sleep time too? Oh boy, not good for a Vampiress.

Oh shit, if Madonna could do three hours in the morning, so can I. No, no... two... at 11:00 am Saturday, Sunday and Monday, then I have class Monday afternoon. Okay. DONE.

(Scary. And isn't that word -- scary -- close to SACRED. Interesting.)

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Eating like Crap

UGH! I can't get full... not even my favorite ice cream is filling me up...

I've never felt this way before... stressed because of things I have to DO as opposed to things I'm trying to avoid... this growing up thing is the fucking pits.

Wish I could say more... but I know it won't be relief until I take care of the "Saturn-y" things I have to... and I have to speak authentically TOO?! ACK, this is for the birds...

Monday, April 18, 2005

Another class

Just got back from a make-up writing class. Very exciting, as I am trusting the process of writing this way -- as in I have no idea what this is I'm writing, a book, short story, a play, a one-woman show? -- and it's f*cking weird.

But I'm hooked. And I finally feel comfortable being nuts and getting these stories out. OUT OUT OUT, I say. And can one really be comfortable being nuts?

I'm wondering where Jeffrey is... I need to go visit him and Alan and their new corgi-shepherd pup before he isn't a pup anymore.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

The Day of the Itlug

It's 3:38 and I just finished! My goodness, I impress myself -- I've got lots of stories in there I guess, because they're just all happy to come out! Five pages, 2037 words... and yakking about my mother's story of the Shiny ITLUG...

Oh god, I'm cracking up just thinking about it again!

You know, I'm tempted to put my writing stuff here in this blog so everyone can read it... but there's something in me that knows I will start writing for a result instead of for discovery. So maybe later I will... I don't know where any of this is leading right now and I just want to be open-minded and clear for the ride, not looking for approval...

But catch me in person... it's a funny-ass story. Itlug in this instance means "eggs" like what you scramble, but she uses it as in a MAN's eggs.... MWAHAAHAHHAH

(BTW, good job writing, Missy :) <-- that must be the writing guy in my head I just discovered in today's session. He's wearin' a kilt and looks like Billy Connolly in the movie "Mrs. Brown" -- you know... this guy.

Mrs. Brown

I guess that's my "Writing Guy/Coach" in there. Heya -- Hi! :)

Funky Flower — anyone know what it is?

funky flower

Who knew that when I got a digital camera I'd want to take pictures of FLOWERS?! That's so not what I thought of myself growing up, I was a bruiser, a big lug. But now... hell, I like everything there about these pretty things, so every now and then, I'm gonna post photos of ones I take.


Good god, it's also 2:05 am -- I'm stalling, but I'm gonna do it anyway. One hour from now, I'll check in with some writing.

Saturday, April 16, 2005


* I'm really late for a big house party I'm supposed to be at 5:00 pm -- I hate when I'm that rude, it's not nice and it doesn't matter if it's big and goes all night...

* I finished another website I'm very proud out of:
"Under El Gran Mesquite" A World Premiere Written and Performed by Gonzalo Venecia Whatcha think?

* Geez, I've got lots more websites to catch up on too... looking forward now that I'm back on track...

* Which means, YES, I'm consistently back on my meds.

* Mom retracted her "ugly child" statement when I brought it up last week. "How can a mother say that about her first-born child?" I think she's a bit horrified someone said that, not to mention it was HER who said it. Nevertheless, I'm quite comforted that (1) she retracted it and (2) she doesn't think that anymore. That's all that counts :) Now if I would just lose weight so "you'll still be around to take care of us..." (oh, I can here Terrie my writing teacher saying "Start there, do a ten-minute spontaneous on that line!")

* My friend Rick gave me an author-autographed book called "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" by T. Harv Eker for my birthday. I've heard way too much about this guy and thought oh, boy, another Anthony Robbins or Rich Dad dealy -- I've read enough of those for now. But I opened it last night and I can't get enough of it! Healers like me don't often know a lot of practical/financial info... but now I do!

Watch out, I'M THINKING BIG AND IT'S ALL GREAT! Thank you, Ricardo :)

* I spend a few hours at Barnes and Noble reading a book on "Choosing the right dog for you." I read it cover to cover -- and went home feeling very satisfied! Just had to read it made me feel great. And last night I decided when I get another pal... I'm getting me a mutt puppy. THERE! hehehe After all my snobbishness (that's even chronicled in my play, Carabao Bookends) about getting a purebreed... I just realized that that's someone else's idea of great that I bought into, not mine! Hey, I like mixing EVERYTHING for something one of a kind and unique -- why not a pupster?! hehehe If you've known me long, you'll know that's VERY me...

* I got to the post office to drop off my taxes at 5:26, four minutes before closing. Yay, I was on time to file a big fat zero! But not next year, folks...

* I just cleared out six spaces in my alloted 10 spaces of matches on and this one fellow is being persistent in wanting communication with me — now am I ready to put my money where my mouth is? It's a bit exciting... can I AFFORD $49.95 right now? HA, just got a gut answer... not right now, but soon. I'm not feeling afraid of a relationship anymore!

* I used to make greeting cards... and I'm going to do that again (according to T. Harv) and in a big way. But right now, gonna make one for my friend and get to this party...

Who doesn't love a List?

Stolen from the lovely Stacey :)

1. First Name: Madley
2. Were you named after anyone? I picked my name -- it's a village in England.
3. Do you wish on stars? Don't you?
4. When did you last cry? At my parents' home last week writing about Yvette.
5. Do you like your handwriting? Yes, always have -- it's pretty and fun and changes all the time.
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Salami -- most of the time.
7. What is your birth date? April 10
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? I bought a "collection" of Brazilian bossa novas -- it stinks. I'll never buy an unknown "collection" again just because it's cheap.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Oh yeah.
10. Are you a daredevil? Surely not physically, but in some areas, yes.
11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? Yes. And she's out of my life for good!
12. Do looks matter? Yup.
13. Where is your second home? Wherever mom and dad are.
14. Do you trust others easily? Yes... everyone gets a pretty high starting out level.
15. What was your favorite toy as a child? Knitting machine. Unfortunately it broke pretty fast -- I'm gonna get another one someday and make everyone sweaters and scarves quick!
16. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? Trigonometry -- what is that anyway?!
17. Do you have a journal? You're reading it... don't write in books anymore because I keep losing them!
18. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Only with people who get it... other of my friends don't get it and are easily hurt, so I don't. Can be very funny -- but I don't use it to be mean... or is sarcasm inherently hurtful?
19. What are your nicknames? Auntie Madley, Auntie Schmad, Mad, Sheil, Shebe, Sis :)
20. Would you bungee jump? Nope. See #10.
21. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Never.
22. Do you think that you are strong? Yes.
23. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Pistachio almond fudge (why do these lists always ask this question?)
24. Shoe Size? 10
25. Red/pink? PINK!
26. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? Laziness.
27. Who do you miss most? My pooches, Tyler and Yvette.
28. Do you want everyone you sent this to send this back? N/A
29. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? no shoes, grey sweats
30. What are you listening to right now? AOL Showtunes radio -- "T-E-A-M" from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown -- pretty ironic since I played Lucy in my high school production! YAY!
31. Last thing you ate? Cheese/baguette/oj (I just got's 4:23 pm!)
32. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Purple!
33. What is the weather like right now? Sunny and 82
34. Last person you talked to on the phone? Anita.
35. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Height/weight proportion (I know, I should talk, but that's the truth.)
36. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I stole it, but yes, I like Stacey!
37. What is your Favorite Drink? Cappuccino blast from Baskin-Robbins (YOU ASKED!)
38. Favorite Sport? Typing -- haha. To watch, figure skating. To play, racquetball -- it's been a long time.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Writing Class: SUCCESS!

Wow, nothing feels better than showing up for yourself, lemme tell you!

Didn't get too much sleep (three hours?) but got up, got to class early (as L. says -- why be late to something that you know you love?) and read my SHIT, man. And regardless of the response of the class and my teacher -- I DONE GOOD!

I'm OUT... I've written something again and it's OUT IN THE WORLD! (Yeah, like this isn't?) But you know, this -- blogging -- is different... well sorta, but not really.

Oh hell, it doesn't matter. I'm in a class, I'm learning, I'm growing, I'm stretching and I'm CREATING!!!! Oh, that's the best part!!!!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

I did it!

It's 1:16 by my clock -- I stopped writing at 1:11 am and I'm so frickin' proud of myself! I had no idea where I was going at all... started just crappin' around, but then set out to write about how mad I was at my mother...

...and ended up writing such good things about her! Oodles of memories have come flooding back, I can't even type them all... and mostly all wonderful ones... what the hell happened?!

Oh, sometimes I HATE being a "healer" -- everything just gets turned around for the better and I can't stay mad! HAHAH That I would name myself Madley, eh?

Ended up writing about how Modern Mom took my sickly little brother to a QUACK DOCTOR in the Philippines... "You just do what you have to do."

I think I'm gonna learn a lot about my mom doing this writing... and find some compassion for her, but especially ME.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

"Fever Pitch"

Okay, so I'm not QUITE back to normal... or maybe this IS normal for me... I woke up at 4:30 pm, hung on to the computer for a few hours and took myself to see this movie. Sweet film (I'll see Drew Barrymore in anything, and Jimmy Fallon is just as dear and crazy as Adam Sandler -- and yes, I know fans -- er, FANATICS, having been one myself, many, many times. You DO realize I live in Los Angeles, right?!?!

There's a bit of news though: I did quit the part-time/hardly any time assistant job I was doing in Hollywood where I got my car towed for having my tail end in someone else's driveway. I'm so glad I took action... it was killing me to have a real secretarial/asst responsibility to someone again. I'm never going to do that again. Ever. I can swallow it for a week on a temp job -- but not like that! She liked me a lot and is a lovely woman... but it's not me anymore. Like trying to stuff my size 10 feet in a 5.5 Cinderella slipper -- IT DIDN'T FIT. At least I didn't have to hit my head over it. :)

And now for the big trick: It's 11:52 PM by my PC clock -- and I'm gonna stare at my computer's blank screen and WRITE SOMETHING for an hour. I'll be back to report that I did... "bookending as life coach"! hehehe

Back to Basics


I'm back from my folks -- We walked the kids without the dogs -- I love these nuts! Oh yeah, there's me too... taken at my "ancient" elementary school according to my niece, but what I prefer to call "classic." hehehe

Auntie Madley

I'm doing okay being here... so far so good.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Angry at home

It's difficult to get down to nitty-gritty family anger and resentment when you're staying with your parents. I end up being too grateful and guilty. It sucks.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Aragoy! And Happy Birthday... me! (And Bruno, Rita and Mando too!)

At 12:15 am in the middle of "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" I started clearing my throat and asking what time it was... and Mom and Dad sang Happy Birthday to me! hehehe It was quite funny... it must be pretty amazing to find yourself looking at your baby girl who now has hair grayer than yours! LOL

I always tease my parents on birthday that I was born exactly eight months and 29 days after their wedding... and my Mom just as consistenly says, "Oh no, your father was a good man... we never even kissed until we were engaged!" hahahaha I love to tease them like that!

Tonight I asked her what happened 45 years ago today, in the middle of the morning... she said, "Oh, I had a baby."

"Just any baby?"

"I had you."

"So tell me again."

"Well, it was early in the morning and your dad and Tito Sonny were holding me up, trying to get me to the car. I was telling your Tita Sol that I wanted to push so she said PUSH and I did and my water broke and I was in constant pain. So they helped me to the car.

"What time was it?"

"I don't remember. By eight in that morning I was having some pain, but I knew they'd just put me in the prima gravada room and..."

"The what?"

"It's when the mother's already in her 30s when she has her first kid... they were really careful with you back then. Even though I was only 33, they would've put me there and I would have had to stay in bed all day and do nothing. At least at home I could have washed the dishes, done some ironing--"

"Haven't changed a bit, have you, Mom?"

"Nope. How boring would that be? But I think I waited too late... because then I really felt like bearing down. We only lived one minute away from the hospital but I wanted to go in the car because I couldn't walk anymore. But it took awhile because your dad couldn't back out of the driveway. I think he was nervous."

Dad chirped in, "I told her she should have walked -- it was only one block!" (Somehow I think they've had this little discussion a million times :)

"So when I went in I was already pre-admitted since I worked there and I was too far along they didn't even put me in a bed, they sent me straight to the delivery room."

"So did you feel me coming out?"

"No, I told you, back then they put everyone to sleep. But when I woke up, your dad was at my bedside and said, 'Honey, we have a baby girl.'"

"Awwww... Mom, how long were you asleep?"

"Only about 20 minutes... it was a light laughing gas. It was very painful!"

"Were you screaming? Because you normally have such a high tolerance for pain."

"Well, not really--"

"Yes, she was," Dad interrupted. "'AraGOY!"

We all laughed -- how cute that was to catch my mom in as unlikely a situation as her screaming -- and so much so that she had to do it in her old childhood dialect that she can't even remember anymore.

"AraGOY!" my dad kept teasing. Of course, it's a more "hicksville" dialect than his -- she's from Surigao in the Visayas -- and he loved to mimic it. Most of the time Filipinos will yell, "A-RAY!" (pronouced "a-RYE" like rye bread), and here's my Thoroughly Modern Mama screaming, "AraGOY!" like Tarzan. hehehe

It's a very sweet picture... a lot esteem-friendlier than the one she told me over a decade ago when I was taking an acting class and our teacher told us to ask our mothers about the circumstances of our birth. He said a lot of what happens during our birth imprints on us even through our adulthood... so it would behoove us to find out what that was, and that there were other therapies (rebirthing, etc.) that could help us understand it all...

After struggling to get my mother to remember ANYTHING, I finally was able to get her to almost role play that night... she was obviously very, very there. So again, I got her to, "And your dad came in and said, 'Honey, we have a baby girl.'"

"But I had a feeling it was a girl... I never had a boy's name, and everything I touched was pink. And I knew with your brothers too... I never had girls' names when I was pregnant with them."

"But back to me, Mom... when did you see me?"

"Oh, they brought you in right away."

Now this was the moment I was looking for... what that thing was that was supposedly imprinted on my psyche that caused me to spend ton 'o dollars on shrinks:

"So they bring me in, Mom, and you see me..."


"And what did you think when you first saw me?"

"Oh, napakapanggit ang anak ko!"

I was shocked. Translated: "How ugly is the child of mine!"

Ouch. Yeah. AraGOY!

But it's been years since that telling of my birth, and I'd really gotten over that. My mama... she's no sentimental gal... and it hasn't killed me, so no biggy anymore... but tonight I, being the masochistic nutcase I am, just wanted to test the waters:

"Mom, did I look like anybody when you first saw me?"

"No. And I didn't know your dad's family."

"Did I have hair?"

"Yes. We all had hair, so you had hair."

Okay, she just wasn't gonna say I was a cute baby, so I wasn't gonna push the ugly statement either -- for what? More torture? No thanks, have had enough for awhile! I'm going to bed tonight giggling and thinking of my mother in the rollers I set in her hair and my dad in a grovelly voice singing happy birthday and appearing with a little present when I staring at Ellen Burstyn and Sandra Bullock...

There's no ARAGOY in this birthday today -- HAPPY DAY TO ME!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

"When Your Head Hurts...

... it means you're not doing what you know you should be doing."

So says Dr. David J. Walker of the Los Angeles Church of Religious Science. I used to belong to this fab church in-between my bouts of Catholicism -- and once going to David for a "treatment" of a three-week long headache -- and that's what he said and I started to feel better! Not like magic... but like Universal Truth... and it was comforting.

And my headache is currently going away! Have had it all day... just took some aspirin too, so that might help the cause. I hope I sleep okay tonight.

When wake up tomorrow, I will write about the dinner I had with my family at Santana Row. Very strange.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

"What Dreams May Come"

When it first came out, this movie was a MUST-SEE for me... and I didn't want to see it with anyone. I knew it would be deep... really deep... and I didn't want to have to worry about anybody else's reaction to it but mine.

I do that you know: worry about other people one zillion times more than I do myself.

I'm at my parents home right now in Newark, CA up in the Bay Area. I feel safe here -- real -- or is THIS the fantasy world? I can never remember... and right that movie is on again and means even more to me now...


I've fallen into the pit again. Hard. I can't even write about it right now, except that in writing class I found out -- very viscerally -- how incredibly angry I am. Deep, intense resentment and agonizing anger... and it has to come out somehow. Now. Or I will die... I know this now.


I am going to commit to writing in this blog at least once a day for the next 30 days -- until May 6th. I may lose what readers I have with my pissed-offedness or incredible self-absorption... but I have to start somewhere, and this feels like the best place. There are so many lies I've told myself... and I can't do it anymore, I'm all twisted up in them...

So maybe I'll be as prolific as Yankeebob or L I P G L O S S or I may whine for a month or I may write stories that may actually qualify for SOMETHING in my new writing class. I just want to get out of my own little hell.

So here's one truth: I miss my doggies -- both Tyler and Yvette -- so very, very much. I lost my little family...

...and I feel so, so alone. Last night my friend Lu let me spend the night... thank God... and finally, as I typed this... more tears. Those are good, not stuck in me...

I can't believe how empty I am...

Thank you all for your kind thoughts... you can't know how much it all means to me.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Not Normal Yet

I think Wil Wheaton is losing his beloved pet this week too. Such a sad, week...

It's been so beautiful... spring is here, the weather is really warm and all the pollen is out. God, I miss my late night walks...

It's terrible being home at night alone. I have vampire hours, and I'd love Yvette sitting on my feet under my desk... it's been six days and I still haven't picked up her bowl or put away her leashes... and I haven't been able to spend two nights in a row in my house... thanks Viv, thanks Michael... 15 years without late night walks just about rips my heart out...

Too much, can't write again.