Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas all!

This year, this season seems more hopeful and more joyous than ever before -- I don't know why. I also don't NEED to know why anymore, just be present now.

Merry Christmas -- and a wonderful, new, prosperous and full-of-love 2006 to everyone!

Saturday, December 24, 2005

My first "Simbang Gabi"

Filipino ParolI'm at my folks house in the SF Bay Area. After a miserable drive up the 5 north in the middle of the night (let's just say it took longer than I planned) I took oodles of delicious naps yesterday, and yes, watched LOTS OF TV. I was a "heppy gel."

This morning at 5:00 am though, I went with them to attend my first Simbang Gabi ("Church at Night") which is really, well, mass in the morning. It's a Filipino tradition where there's a novena -- nine masses -- every morning nine days before Christmas. And a little "snack" afterwards.

This is the first year my parents' church (and the church of my childhood), St. Edward, put on their first Simbang Gabi. Although I only had an hour and half of sleep (okay, I'm a late night bird, but we all knew that), I'm so glad I went! First of all, I was shocked that half the church was full, mostly with Filipinos, but with a smattering of other nationalities too. And they all looked so festive as well!

Mom said Father Keyes would sing the whole mass, which I have to say I truly loved. My favorite period in Music History was Renaissance/Medieval and I LOVE gregorian chant... I often tell people I learned more in that Music History class than I ever did in 12 years of Saturday CCD (catechism) classes.

During the Eucharistic Prayer, where there is much repetition of the same chant, it was very meditative... and when the chant changed you knew it was for something wonderful being said, or in preparation for a response... I so appreciated it. (You'd think someone who professes to want to compose a Missa Brevis would remember what the actual names of these parts of the mass are... oh dear, I'll have to look it up later.)

I have a feeling I would have loved to hear the mass in Latin.

In any case, I've never heard The Lord's Prayer in Tagalog before: "Ama Namin". Father Keyes says he already knows it after these nine masses -- now I want to learn it too!

But the best part of it for me was during communion when the choir (yes! singing Tagalog!) sang a song that had the same musical structure as the OPM (Original Pilipino Music) have written... kind of a pop/romantic structure, but I'm sure after Father Keyes edict (12/5/05) that "the purpose of Music in Liturgy is to bear the word of God" it is truly an appropriate song for the mass.

Whatever it was, it made me cry. Here I am, 35 years after first stepping foot in St. Edward, weeping because the two things I hated so much in my life -- church and being Filipino -- had finally been joined to make me feel so very... rich.

Happy too, I guess. It made me proud that this little Filipino community (okay, in Newark it has become huge, but it wasn't always like that!) made a new tradition this year that brought them back to their past and celebrated their culture! That's so unusual, as we usually like to ignore it try to be as American as possible... but the tide is at last turning.

I was so proud to be in the lineage of a great tradition. It really was overwhelming. And I did feel sad that I had no children to pass it on to... last night when I was telling my mom about babysitting Kate, she did say, "It's such a shame you don' t have children. You are so good with them."

For once, I didn't feel like she was being critical... just expressing a feeling. And I could respond in kind: "It is, Mom. But maybe I'm supposed to be with many people's kids and share myself in other ways."

That felt good to say that. There was no sting in those feelings at all, and we really connected. I truly felt heard and seen.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Just Breathe

My first real foray into supporting music on the web!

I love this song by Rachel Fuller and Pete Townshend (yes, THE Pete Townshend) called Just Breathe (his acoustic guitar and her lovely voice) --

Rachel's just discovered blogging after being on the VH1 show Kept and now has a great following. And she's so excited about being #1 ever!

Just Breathe

Please go check it out and help her stay #1 on the Independent Artist Company chart -- you won't regret it, it's a terrific song and message! I LOVE IT!

Congrats, Rachel!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

On Dasher

Got this from sp3ccylad...and I'm not surprised at the answer! (But I DID have to look up Seven Minutes in Heaven... other than Billy Wirth's first movie, who knew it was a kissing game?! How fun... I want to play it sometime!

You Are Cupid

A total romantic, you're always crushing on a new reindeer.

Why You're Naughty: You've caused so much drama, all the reindeers aren't speaking to each other.

Why You're Nice: You have a knack for playing matchmaker. You even hooked Rudolph up!

Salina the Psychic

The bad thing about not booking yourself with solid appointments, concerts, parties and meetings is that one day you actually land at home with your FEELINGS.

And I was feeling OUT OF MY MIND and JUMPING OUT OF MY SKIN today. After sleeping in (finally!) and feeling great because of the workout the day before... I couldn't get out of my own crappy thinking: yes, of course, about Uranian, what, did you think I was obsessed about anything else?!

So I yanked $20 out of the ATM and went to the Psychic Eye bookstore down the street for 15 minute Tarot reading.

As I was shuffling the cards, I mumbled something about the cards being hard... she cut me off and made me concentrate on Uranian... and she did an 11-card spread.

"You're already good friends, aren't you? There's already a structure there that you're wanting to bust out of... but you're not being honest about it. But this isn't bad news... you're just proceeding the wrong way right now, and the timing's off..."

Hmm. I felt like I needed to ask for action.

"Let's do a pyramid," she said. Once the cards were out, again, she says I'm proceeding mistakenly. The Moon card comes up: "You have to use smoke and mirrors, be sneaky... you have to find out if he could be interested you... because if you ask him straight out, you won't get the right answer." Okay. Sneaky. I can do that!

I went for a drive after that and felt better. amazing how one consultation with another human being completely beats all the free or readings in the world. And IntuitViv... she's got my number too.

Lay low.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Once you go Asian...

... you don't do Caucasian!

HAHAHA What a hoot! I've got to get a T-shirt to wear myself. Hee Hee

Thank you Nicole, for the biggest laugh all weekend. Thanks (by transitive property) to your Pilipino man, Treb, too!

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Kick-Ass Week continued

German UranusI missed my training session with Andrew this morning... I had hoped he got me email the night before (that I'd have to reschedule), but he didn't and waited for me. UGH...I blew it, and yes, he called me on it too. I should've warned him at the beginning that the training sessions wouldn't be as hard as getting my ass there. Double UGH.

And it the week continued... D got in for the weekend and I picked her up from the garment district. We then drove two hours to Costa Mesa to pick up RQ, who was in town for a conference. Just so you know, Costa Mesa is NOT L.A., it's Orange County and another planet away -- and in Friday afternoon traffic, my ass got kicked a little more. And it didn't help that we were in the carpool lane and missed our exit by 10 miles because we were yakkin'. And that we had to wait for a valet at the Irvine Cheesecake Factory where we'd stop to use the restroom.

More driving and we barely made our dinner with Jeffrey and Alan (hi guys!) at Mer's restaurant at The Grove. And of course, I'm not dressed to see Uranian's show at a club -- I'm wearing a short skirt, T-shirt and black sandals and I look stupid. Especially retarded after the last two times I've seen him he's complimented me on how HOT I've looked. :) (Can I UGH any more?).

I'm crazy at the table and can't be present. I spill BBQ sauce on my shirt. Alan suggests I spill more on my shirt and go with a "tie-dyed" shirt that smells good. HAHAAH That's funny, but I'm even more ill because Uranian just called to ask me if I'm still coming. Yes, I say... and he says he'll put me on the guest list. I think he means how many people are coming to put on an RSVP -- he says, "I can only put one on the guest list." DUH. And then I react like a dork: "And you picked ME? Oh THANK YOU!" AAARRGGHHHHHHHHH! Sweet Jehovah's Witness (as Viv C. would say) -- What the hell is happening to me?!

I'm so inauthentic I can't tell my friends we need to get our butts moving... I say, sure, go ahead and order a dessert! And can we go to Cost Plus and get me a wrap or something and some chinese slippers because I look TERRIBLE and we have to go because he's got me as his one guest.

We dash into Cost Plus and I look at Jeffrey: "Jeffrey, be my Will... DRESS ME!" and he goes to the exact right part of the store and everyone is throwing scarves on me and R. is laughing saying, maybe you'd like to wear a mask, or a cabinet (or whatever was around) with that?

D. buys a beatiful blue/purple scarf for me before I just walk out with it and we kick ass on the freeway getting to Santa Monica. Of course I'm on the phone with Viv, who's at Rite Aid and looks for what kind of footwear they have at this drugstore that might look better that these miserable sandals. But there wasn't anything there but slippers and men's fake penny loafers, and D. & RQ can't stop laughing how nuts I'm acting.

But we get there, and of course, I'm stuck in the bathroom when they come out to do their first piece. It was lovely... the music was fun and "he" was the best (I'm biased of course, and this is the first time I see him play). He also had a whole corner booth of friends and supporters... and D. & RQ agree he's cute.

I won't go into any more Uranian stuff... other than I read his his ex's hands and her friends hands by candlelight at the club... details and minutiae are for another time, another blog.

After some fake salsa dancing with my girls (where I could not believe how big and ugly uncoordinated and terribly dressed I felt but continued to dance my way into a better mood :) we drove back to Costa Mesa and spend the wee morning helping RQ with song selection for his February cabaret show. That was fun! (How did I learn so much?) Two hours of sleep and we having breakfast in L.A. at Cafe du Village in Larchmont and I get my second ass kickin' in 24 hours.

D. asks me what the hell am I doing with my life, why am I not finishing my recital? Why am I letting myself get so distracted with other people's drama that I complete forget myself? I frustrate her with all my talent and potential going for naught. And why am I not working out? Why am I letting Uranian, who's obviously not ready to seriously be in a relationship with ANYBODY rule my life? And if he really picked you, IS HE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU TO PICK HIM?

She wouldn't entertain my bullshit. Ah, that's what good friends are for. Focus, focus. My workouts, my recital. I gave her date of when I'm going to finish it before -- St. Patrick's Day -- so I can MOVE ON with my life. And how did she start this?

"Who is Madley?"

And I realized my first three definitions of myself were the same ones in a quiz I took in a Psychology class in 1979: I'm Filipino. I'm fat. I'm a girl.

Wow. What a surprise that was... that THAT is how I define myself right now. It was eye-opening and sad all at the same time, and I changed that right away... after a few tears.

And when it came to my money issues: "How do you expect to get ahead?"

Shock: I've never HAD an expectation to get ahead! Not one fiber of my being ever expected to "get ahead." No wonder I'm so fucking poor! Quick, I change that too.

We go back to her hotel, meet up with her sister and niece and relax before they go to dinner/airport and I go home to catch back up with my life. MY life. Not mine and Uranian's, MINE.

Thank God.

A Kick-Ass Week

CarpentersOne of my top five Christmas songs happens to be on the all-Christmas radio station right now, "Merry Christmas, Darling." God bless your soul, Karen Carpenter -- and thanks for all the best karaoke songs an alto can sing.

What a week I've had. It was an ASS-KICKIN' week... where many of my friends (Heidi, Catheryn, Randi) kicked ass in their writing class perfomances Sunday afternoon, in her (Lynn) annual Chrismas choir concert Sunday night. Monday night was a kick-ass esoteric astrology lecture (Phillip), Tuesday was another great bunch of readings. Wednesday I'd worked for the third day with a client (Anita), and when she left at 9pm, I was ready to collapse. Answer email? What's that.

Thursday night I went to see Wagner's Parsifal starring Placido Domingo at the L.A. opera with Uranian and friends... 4 and a half HOURS on our proverbial German Romantic Opera behinds.

Afterwards, we went to a Little Tokyo diner/dive and there was a traumatic sighting of a famous Asian actress I was once introduced to when I was an "up and coming, award-winning playwright who writes terrific parts for Asian women." Of course, actor love playwrights "(Write a part for me?" and she was quite nice to me. Tonight she didn't recognize/acknowledge me so I didn't bother to remind her... and it made me so sick to my stomach I spilled my miso/tofu soup on the table, almost getting Uranian (but he was very quick to dodge).

I was a mess the rest of the night, just one big open sore -- I was a has-been, or rather a never-been. So what did I do while I stared at the walls? I teased Uranian TWICE that we shouldn't hang out with him anymore because when he goes back Europe in the summer, it will be too painful to see him go, so we better just avoid him altogether so we don't get attached. Smart, huh. Nice.

The second time I told him in front of our other friend as we were walking towards the cars. Big haha, right?! Well, the evil/asshole Uranian my classmates told me about came out with a vengeance. It was all over his face as he lashed out:

"Well, I DONT NEED YOU to hang around with anyway!"


"Oh my god. I've hurt your feelings. Uranian, I'm so sorry!"

I was so lucky that defensive guy quickly disappeared.

"I'm so so sorry," I said again. "I just realized how much I was going to miss you and I was PROTECTING MYSELF from feeling really bad by teasing you instead."

"It's okay."

We walked a few more minutes and when we got to my car, he gave a me huge bear hug. In a semi-private voice he said, "It's going to be painful anyway when I leave... so while I'm here we might as well enjoy the pain!"

We both chuckled and hug a little harder.

When I got on the freeway, the tears just eked themselves out, amidst all my self-criticism and beating myself up with terrible self-talk: "What the fuck are you doing? Why couldn't you be more emotionally authentic? Why did you pull the teasing crap like that? Why did you hurt his feelings like that, enough to make him so defensive and protective? Why couldn't you be real?!"

Ick. I wasn't nice to myself at all. And I knew I had to send him note right away. But none of the words I typed in the email "captured" the awfulness I felt, so I called and caught him in the car.

"Hello, Madley."

"Uranian, do you have a minute?" (sob sob sob)

"Yes, of course."

I babbled. "One more time, I'm sorry I couldn't say what I was feeling...because what I realy got in touch with was that exactly how much I was going to miss you! I'm so enjoying spending time with you and getting to know you, a man who's willing to grow and work on his own stuff, who's musical, who's grounded... and now you're going to go... and I've had some important people leave me before and I could barely stand the pain of to go through it again, I was just protecting myself and was mean to you instead."

"Oh, Madley, you know I'm going to be calling you from there all time! It only costs 5 cents a minute -- the same as if you had a friend in Omaha. And forget it, I'll be emailing all the time.

"But it'll be different. And I'm sorry that I saw that 'bad guy' that everyone talks about who got sharp with me. I've never met him before and it was scary."

"Yes, when sometimes old habits are hard to break... I felt myself get defensive and attacked."

We talked about how we show our defensiveness... and how important it is to have people around you to call you on your stuff, especially when you're "not taking cave time, and you tell them inspite of themselves, they have to be alone and take care of themselves, I need that."

"I understand."

"And that's why I'm bit afraid to go. I need you guys... I can really be myself and honest around you guys where I find it difficult with other people."

Uh-oh. He's going in to "group speak" and it's not just me...

"I don't know if I can survive without the support I have I need you all."

Oh god. Insert sword...

"And someday, when I meet The Love of My Life, I want to be just myself and honest all the time."

...and twist.

It's not me. It's never going to just me, separate from our friends in this healing community. NOT LIKE "THAT" anyway.

So what do I do? Madley goes inauthentic and defensive again. "Yes, same here, Uranian," I barrel through. "I hope to meet The Love of MY Life and hope he can be as forthcoming and authentic as you."

CROCK OF SHIT. All I could feel was let down: once again, it wasn't "me," as in Let it be Me. Fuck. So let's just be supportive again and let this go.

We talked maybe another 20 minutes while he sat in his garage carport/driveway. We laughed, I wasn't in a shitty mood anymore, and felt completely heard. So I'm grateful for that.

But... why another good man "passing through." Oh well. Can I just say that that's for shit? I didn't feel like being authentic anymore. FUCK IT.

Mixed Drink

You Are a Mai Tai

You aren't a big drinker, but you'll drink if the atmosphere is festive.
And when you're drunk, watch out! You're easily carried away.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Private/Public Post

To dear Michael:

You've completely outdone yourself... WOW. Happy Anniversary!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Half-Nekkid Thursday #6

Missed Thanksgiving...but got a pic from that day to share:

Madley and Patric

Me and my percussionist friend, Patric from the Black Forest, at our "patients running the asylum" (we're all hand readers) International Thanksgiving dinner.

Yes, we had those lumpia I just fried (Filipino eggrolls, vegetarian and non) with German potato salad, tofurkey, pastel de papas (a Chilean dish) and Honey-Baked ham... yum... getting hungry all over.

Not much for the nekkid-ness, but doing wonders for the appetite... ma sarap!

Happy HNT!

Meeting Ice Skater

IK & EGA long time ago a friend of mine from Cosby told me every now again her and her friend, Tera, used to have dreams at night about each other, on the same night. They'd always laugh and say they were "havin' a meetin'" -- just out of the body and in the dreamworld instead, and it wasn't any less real than in the waking world. Every since then, I've loved thinking that way about dreams.

So, boy, did I have a "meetin'" with The Skater, Iliushka last night!

I've been working very hard this week on the calendar that his fan club is selling to its members, and either my brain is fully IK images or there was a real meeting of the minds last night.

I got dropped off at his big house for some reason -- and it's loaded with women: the women of his family. His wife, his daughters, his inlaws, aunts (but none on his side). I guess I need reinforcements because Diane and Rick from up north are there too, and somehow keep me grounded. I guess I'm there to do an interview.

"The women" all speak Russian and are milling about all over the place, ready to make a trip to the store or something. It's foggy outside so it's a big to-do with everyone bundling up. It's not quiet at all, but nobody even pays attention that I'm there, both good and bad I suppose. Finally they leave and I'm left in the house with him, my friends watching TV with and his four-year-old daughter.

We really get to hang then, and the guy is both laughing and complaining, just like old times at the rink. How he feels he's never left Russia now, how he regrets not being able to discover the America he's always dreamed of...when he came to L.A. to be an actor and a star, right after he won his Gold Medal...

That was a long time ago that we could hang and talk like that. I know he has a life he loves, with all the women of his life. But after tonight's dream, I can't help thinking about that road of his less taken.

And selfishly, maybe we would have had many more heart-to-hearts after the practices at the rink. I miss those.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Movie Dream

I hate middle of the evening naps. Shoot.

In this dream, I was making a movie... starring Uranian and me... about getting married. But it was icky... he didn't want me... my parents were watching so we couldn't be real... EVERYONE was watching so we couldn't be real... it was such a struggle.

I woke up from the dream and the first thought was of a book:

He's Just Not That Into You

I've read this book. I LOVE this book. It's sobering and it's real. If a man is truly wants you, he will do the work. (ME: If you are meant to be together, wild horses can't keep you apart.) friends, rejoice! I've dropped my expectations to absolutely ZERO with Uranian. I have a flirty friend who's growing and learning just like I am. But he's just not that into me. It's true and it sucks. THE END and I'm fine. :)

If I stay "in the flow" -- I can really enjoy this new friendship as what it is. Be in the moment.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Keys to My Heart

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.


All true.

I'm still wanting him...badly... and I don't know if it's growth or insanity, but I want him to want me like THAT. Flirting all over the place, but I've at least grown from high school, NO FIRST MOVES from me.

And any other time I've had relationships with men, it's very first quick, almost instant that I know... I've never had a romance develop from friendship... sounds backwards, huh? Don't even know if I can do it... and the fact that I can't... what is the "healthy" thing?

I'm speaking nonsense.

It is Finished

Four years of Hand Analysis study (which included one year of Enneagram):


I'm so pooped... more later...

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Crazy Kisses

I'm in the middle of hell weekend... so tired, but have to blog about this... TL finally mentioned I was a little more "wet" -- meaning emotional -- because I have water heartlines. Uranian smiled... he didn't know how watery I was...

My weekend of Enneagram week -- Seven week -- and I was on the panel... just everything is so rough...

I couldn't keep my paws of Uranian... hugging, kissing on the cheek... took forever to say goodbye...hugs/kisses, hugs/kisses...

Last final kiss on cheek I just blurted out, "I just can't stop kissing you!"

He just smiled. Probably very flattering for him, eh?

I'm an idiot and I feel crazy.

Friday, November 18, 2005

I Move On (A great Chicago hit)

The Universe says MOVE, dammit -- and you move.

Jack found out today my three-unit apartment building has been sold, but they won't close until the first of the year. Hmmm. His realtor gave him good figures if he still wanted to make an offer, but he got discouraged...and then found out he was "let go" of his current security post and now has to interview again on Monday. That sucks. But I guess the Universe is telling HIM something also.

Hopefully there's a little time... I need to get my wits about me. Everything is ending right now and unstable! (And my car's even in the brochure... No, NOT my car, thank you.)

I did find out Saturn is in Leo in my 7th house... relationships -- all relationships, but mostly "partner" relationships are going to be real now, out in the world, not dreamy-landy...well something like that. Peeling away layers, keeping what's good, leaving what's excess.

And so it is.


WOO HOO! I love my hair in a bob, and this one's got long shaggy layers underneath (that you can't see). Lookie, R, I got a bob again! Tell me you love it!

Nice poundage lost after a month at the gym... and lost a ton at the salon! I couldn't help myself, my hair looked so BAD... and then of course I walk by and it says "Women's Haircuts start at $14.99."

I'm no dummy, I know that means we'll bargain... so of course I pulled out my "living as a student and poor" story that really is no story, and the lovely Armenian Rosa gave me a good deal. I said no blow dry, but hell when you're in the chair, it's hard to say no. So I'm happy. It's so funny, I would've hauled out the scissors myself if I didn't already know from EXPERIENCE it never ends well.

Felt good though... at least it wasn't SUPERCUTS where they nickel and dime you to death. This from a woman who used to go to Alex Roldan at the Bel Age Hotel on Sunset in Beverly Hills, or with Salazar wherever he would end up. I LOVE SPENDING OODLES OF MONEY IN SALONS! But only when you have real money to spend. My money is not my own right now.

But I think I'll treat myself once a month to a little something. She of course said she'd give me a deal on microdermabrasion... hell, it made my one girlfriend look TONS younger and softer... what the hey, why grow older and uglier?

Got to make some real money again. This feels too good.

A Seducer? Who, ME?!

Your Seduction Style: Sweet Talker

Your seduction technique can be summed up with "charm"You know that if you have the chance to talk to someone...Well, you won't be talking for long! ;-)
You're great at telling potential lovers what they want to hear.Partially, because you're a great reflective listener and good at complementing.The other part of your formula? Focusing your conversation completely on the other person.
Your "sweet talking" ways have taken you far in romance - and in life.You can finess your way through any difficult situation, with a smile on your face.Speeding tickets, job interviews... bring it on! You truly live a *charmed life*

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Half-Nekkid Thursday #5

It's not me this time, but according to the rules, I'm allowed to TAKE an HNT shot, which I did!

This is after dinner at a Oaxacan restaurant and we had the requisite tootsie pops (Hi Viv!). Happy HNT, all!

Spurred Heart

It's amazing, after all these classes...

I'm supposed to be a "healer" and "artist" and all around "ulnar person" (which means focussed on the inner world of intimacy and creation, as opposed to outward success and power).

And yet I'm reminded this week JUST HOW SHITTY AT RELATIONSHIPS I AM.

I've got the protective armour of a dinosaur too... and I cringe at the expectations I continually discover I have of myself.

It's horrible.

I really wanted to get to know this fellow -- let's call him Uranian, some people will know who this is, others who know astrology will know what he's about...

We've been spending nice time together, nice LONG time, hours even... and I've got it in writing... yes, I bring joy to his belly! Pretty good for a perfectionist like him to have a change of heart and attitude, eh... I'm not bad.

But the next day, I was wiped out... no self-take care on my part... bad news. Could barely function and took myself to a friend's for two and a half day to coddle myself. (Thanks Chiquitita!) But saw him again...

my lipsAnd knew I would "just be a friend." AAGH! (And yes, those are my lips. He said he liked them. Merde!)

He was one of the aforementioned new male "grown ups" I've gotten to know recently... and no, I guess I'm not for him. Part of me wants to blame myself... what did I do? What did I do too much of? Did I flirt too much, make too many innuendos? Am I just always going to be disgusting and fat and someone UNLIKE his mother who makes him feel so totally unseen?

Because now I feel unseen too, and that's what's most painful: HERE WE GO AGAIN.

Me without love.

Too much crying lately... I can't take all the goodbyes that are happening this month. Hand class is ending -- good, because I hated the commitment, but I'm saying goodbye to a structure that held me for four years.

The apartment I've been living in for ten and a half years -- up for sale. Where will I live? With who? How?

God, I'm feeling sorry for myself... I just want to have a partner... be with one man that knows me, sees me, holds me. I'm so lost right now, and really, really sad...

I just don't know how to do it. How do people keep their heart OPEN?! Eight weeks of Alchemy of Love and I still don't know how to do it.

Monday, November 14, 2005

In writing

I just have to put it in writing... I have to marry for LOVE. That's it, nothing else will do, as good as it may sound sometimes.

Cryptic I know, but for today...Hey.

Saturday, November 12, 2005


Just came back from a DGA screening of RENT with Gonz at the Pacific Design Center ("the Blue Whale") in West Hollywood. I can't believe I've lived here since 1978 and I've never been there... except maybe once to see if they had change for the parking meters. Well, it is a design industry showroom... why would I be there?

Anyhoo, the place was packed, and with a mixed crowd, not just the old white folks (read: ancient SAG members) who were at Steve Martin's "Shopgirl." And after the first song, which acted like an overture, the audience applauded like crazy, me included, as if it were the first song in a live a musical. It was thrilling.

(Check out the "Seasons of Love" video here -- "measure your life in love" -- how cool (and innocent!) is that?! :)

Oh yeah, and I cried like a baby during that thing too, right when Tracie Thoms starts a-wailing. What else is new... a musical overture and me is definitely a recipe for weeping.

Why is that? Am I reincarnated frustrated musical theater star from the '20s or something? Or have I just missed the boat here and now trying to find my place in the world?

When I told R that I was going to see this today, she said, "Oh, yeah, that's the show Kevin and I decided we had gotten too old to for."

"What do you mean?"

"We watched the show on Broadway and just thought, 'Hey, why don't you just PAY THE RENT?!'"

Well, I did laugh at it then... and when I saw the rest of the movie after the "overture" I knew what she meant. Guess it's this generation's "Fame" or something (where I also always cry like a baby at "Hot Lunch" -- I'm not proud!).

I do remember that time in NY though -- I was 26 in 1986 (this was supposed to be 1989), and it all felt right and exactly the same. I was a mess by the time I left in 1988, completely depressed, basically not being asked back to work on "The Cosby Show" and deep in recovery at Debtor's Anonymous 12-step meetings. I'd go to lunch meetings and after work meetings... I remember being in those basement floors of churches with 8-10 folks in a circle, and feeling safer and more sane than I'd ever been before. And of course, that's how I found out it was time for me to "get well" and leave NYC.

For remembering all that, I will love this movie RENT. I enjoyed seeing Taye Diggs and his wife Idina Menzel (Elphaba!), and watching that Jesse L. Martin sing and dance (who knew?!)... but I couldn't stop oogling Rosario Dawson (she's gorgeous), and loving the character of Angel. Go Wilson Jermaine Heredia -- I'm a big fan now! (And my confirmation name is Jermaine... I know, strange... but it was the closest saint's name I could get to G3rry Alt@mero. hehehe)

The music was so-so... a bit to rock-ish for my taste, I bit too "on the head." But the production was great. Except for "Seasons of Love," I barely remember anything... except Collins and Angel dancing in the street. I hope I find a love like that someday.

One last thing: I forgot, and am GLAD TO HAVE BEEN REMINDED, how bad AIDS was then. No one lived when they were diagnosed, no one... and no one talked about it, it was that scary. Back then it was mostly gay men getting it, and when I worked on Cosby as the Director of Guest Relations (I know, big title, blah blah blah), I had a crew of Broadway ushers that worked for me/us on tape nights. The head usher, Mim, had a one fellow, Bill, she adored... and he had these weird marks on his face. I didn't know what they were... small little bruise like things. I didn't want to ask what they were, I didn't want to know. But a few months later, I heard this sweet man had died, and Mim was distraught. I was just so ignorant and naive...

I'm so grateful for what AIDS is not now...and I KNOW WE'RE NOT DONE!... and I'm glad this movie reminded me too.

Friday, November 11, 2005

For Our Vets, 2005

This story will always move me. Always.

The Story of the Unknown Soldier

Armistice Day was observed all over the United States by veteran's parades, public services both religious and secular, with two minutes of silence to honor the dead. In 1920, the British Unknown Soldier was buried in Westminster Abbey, the burial place of kings and queens; that same year a French Unknown Soldier was interred at the Arc de Triomphe in Paris, where a perpetual flame burns.

In 1921, the American Unknown Soldier, symbolizing all the unknown dead, was chosen in an unusual way. Six soldiers of the American Army of Occupation in Germany were selected from different sectors to act as pallbearers. They met at Chalons-sur-Marne, and were interviewed by General Rogers. Next day, Sergeant Edward F. Younger of the 59th Infantry was asked to make a choice among four caskets, with unidentified bodies disinterred from American cemeteries at Bony, Belleau Wood, Romagne, and Thiaucourt.

When the sergeant was ready to perform his solemn duty, he received a bouquet of white roses, with instructions to proceed into the City Hall at Chalons, where the four caskets stood. Sergeant Younger realized fully the grave importance of his action; and after bowing his head, he walked around the coffins three times. On the fourth round, he seemed involuntarily drawn to the second one. Reverently, he laid the roses on it, saluted and reported to his commanding officer that he had accomplished his mission.

The body of the Unknown Soldier was brought home on the cruiser, Olympia, reaching Washington, D.C., on November 9, 1921. For three days thousands of people passed by as the body lay in state in the rotunda of the Capitol. For this important Armistice Day in 1921, President Harding requested that flags be flown from sunrise to sunset at half mast, and that all Americans pay silent tribute as the casket was lowered into the tomb at 11 A.M. on November 11, 1921. There were elaborate ceremonies. High army, navy, and other service personnel, along with diplomats, who had followed the caisson to Arlington, heard the President's address. Many wreaths came from all over our country, and from abroad, these were placed on the plain white marble tomb, on which is these words:

Here rests in honored glory An American Soldier Known but to God.

Veteran's Day 1968

I've always liked this holiday... maybe because it's one of the first holidays that I remember clearly.

Our family and the G's (and perhaps others too) were going to have a picnic in the park off Hesperian Blvd. in San Lorenzo. Of course, the night before my parents were up late skewering the marinated beef chunks for shishkabob, and getting everything ready for the coolers. Parties like these were no small matter... we never just ate hot dogs and hamburgers (those were what "Americans" ate), we had full out steaks, chicken and the fun shishkabobs, as well as pancit (rice noodles), rice (still in their rice cookers), macaroni salad, lots of soda and all kinds of funky desserts.

I didn't know what Veteran's Day was, except that we were going to be in the park all day with the families... good times. (If I ever find the picture taken that day, I'll repost it here.) But maybe since all our dads were in the Navy, it meant something more to them...

When we woke up the next morning, my mom said that our "uncle" Tito Tony called and that his wife and the mother of buddies, Tita Tessie, was in labor. Dad said, "Yes, she had a boy! Get up so we can see them all!" I was so excited because there was going to be a baby around, and now I was old enough to take care of it (or at least handle it)!

But when we got to the park, I heard the REAL news -- Tita Tessie had a girl, and her name was Cynthia Lee. Dad was just teasing us so we would get up!

So ever since then, November 11 has always been Veteran's Day AND Cindy's birthday. She's not a little baby anymore... she just married herself a wonderful Welshman and had her first baby, Jack (pictured above).

This one's for you, Cinch -- Happy Birthday and love to Steve and Jack!

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Half Nekkid Thursday #4

I'm a Certified Hand Analyst... I have to put up my left (inner world) hand at some point.

(Yes, it's a fiery hand with a water heart line... if you know more than that, please don't tell everyone about all the "issues" I have! LOL)

Happy HNT!

A Memorial for Claudia's La Rue

I was so priviledged to accompany Claudia last October 24, when she had to put poor ailing La Rue down. Anita and I went with her to the vet, but she went in with La Rue alone. It was just so awful for her, and a sad, sad day. But La Rue that morning could not bear even being petted, and finally, Claudia knew the day had come.

Sunday, she celebrated La Rue with her friends and planted her ashes in a beautiful potted camellia tree.

Some of La Rue's friends: Patric, Anita, Claudia, Kathy, Viv, Tracy, Madley.

A photo of La Rue.

Randy and DeCarla came by later (I love this picture, thank you very much!)

And after a walk...look what odd sculptures one can find in Los Angeles!

More photos of the memorial are HERE.

Blessings to you, La Rue.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

But I knew that ;)

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Friday, November 04, 2005

I'm A Dirty Little Secret

I feel so boring right now, when the truth is, I'm just feeling relaxed. So let's take a test, shall we?

The Dirty Little Secret
Deliberate Gentle Sex Master (DGSMf)

Innocent but fundamentally sexual, like the word "finger". You are the Dirty Little Secret.

Few women have the confidence for sex mastery, and among nice girls, like you, it's almost unheard of. So congratulations. You've had plenty of adventures, but you've remained a kind, thoughtful person. Your friends appreciate your exploits. They even live vicariously through you.

Your exact opposite:
The Wild Rose

Random Brutal Love Dreamer
You seek pleasure, but you're not irresponsible. You are organized and cautious, and you choose your lovers wisely. One, you don't like dirtbags. And two, you like to maintain control. Or at least lose it selectively. You might notice that older men single you out. They have an eye for your sensual nature. Take it as a compliment.

You enjoy making people happy, and it's inevitable that many guys will fall harder for you than you for them. You're not completely comfortable in a serious, long-term relationship right now. Our guess is that the key to extended happiness will be finding a responsible, but kinky, mate.

ALWAYS AVOID: The Hornivore, The Manchild, The Last Man on Earth

CONSIDER: The Bachelor, The Backrubber

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Sweet November

I'm so looking forward to staying put! I was in Sacramento, Idyllwild and San Diego for three weekends and I'm broke and pooped.

At least I'm taking my pills regularly combined with seeing my trainer :) twice a week has made my sleeping absolutely delicious. Tonight is an exception... I usually sleep a bit earlier and wake up earlier... and I feel very rested. Could be because of the time change and the weather...

It doesn't matter. I feel better, and it's time to get some real work done.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


Got this from the answer better than I thought I would (thought I'd be Lucy!):

You are Woodstock!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Friday, October 21, 2005

Half-Nekkid Thursday #3


Last day of class and Patric decides to doodle on my arm in turquoise Sharpie. And because he's so sweet, I let him.

Do! Make it!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Google Images

I stole this from Osbasso, who stole it from the lovely Ago-go, who stole.....

Go to Google and click on the images link. Type in the following and post the first (or your favorite) picture the search engine finds.

- The name of the town where you grew up
- The name of the town where you live now
- Your name
- Your Grandmother’s name (pick one)
- Your favorite food
- Your favorite drink
- Your favorite song
- Your favorite smell

The name of the town where you grew up:
Newark, CA

It's up in the Bay Area, "The Capital of Fremont"

The name of the town where you live now:
Burbank, CA
This photo probably has to do with the Burbank airport (now known as "Bob Hope Airport")

Your name:
There's a little town in England called Madley that hosts a big satellite linkup... I have to visit someday!

Your Grandmother’s name (pick one):
Nieves (Mom's mom, which means "snow")

I looked up Dad's mom too, Purissima -- I didn't know there was a tulip with that name, so beautiful.

Your favorite food:
Steak -- no big surprise!
(Apparently other carnivores have used this photo too...where's dinner?)

Cranraspberry drink
Your Favorite Drink:
Cranraspberry drink (one of many)

Ended up getting this cute photo of cranraspberry taffy... doesn't that look delicious?

A House is Not A Home
Your Favorite Song:
"A House is Not A Home"

This was the very first image -- I even bypassed pictures of Ilia skating to the song.

Your Favorite Smell:

I want to inhale it into my very pores. (Nightblooming jasmine will do in a pinch. :)

Friday, October 14, 2005

Song of the Spirit

Heidi read this to us in her Alchemy of Love class -- I want to say it was the first class "Invoke the Heart" but I'm not sure.

There is a tribe in East Africa in which
the art of intimacy is fostered even before birth.
In this tribe, the birth date of a child is not counted
from the day of its physical birth
nor even the day of its conception, as in other cultures.
For this tribe the birth date is marked
the first time the child is a thought in the mother’s mind.
Intending to conceive a child from a particular father,
the mother then goes off to sit alone under a tree.
There she listens until she can hear the song
of the child she hopes to conceive.
When she has heard it, she returns to her village
and teaches it to the father
so that they can sing it together as they make love,
inviting the child to join them.

After the child is conceived, she sings it to the baby in her womb.
Then she teaches it to the old women and midwives of her village,
so that throughout the labor,
and at the miraculous moment of birth itself,
the child is greeted with its song.
After the birth, all the villagers learn the song of their new member
and sing it to the child when it falls or hurts itself.
It is sung in times of triumph or in rituals and initiations.
This song becomes a part of the wedding ceremony
when the child is grown-–
And at the end of life, his or her loved ones
gather around the deathbed
And sing this song for the last time.

Two weeks ago Heidi gave us this assignment:

Song of Self - Extending the Heart

Create a performance, no longer than 3-4 minutes that is a Song of Yourself. You can use words, dance, music, song, objects or some or none of the above. Think about your audience too. Where are we in the space in relationship to your performance?

There is no right way to do this.

She also said to "push ourselves" and face our fears...

So I wrote this piece. My Song of Spirit, called Lily, an organic, off-the-top-of-my-head title -- until I was reminded that my mother's childhood nickname in was Lily (for Soledad).

I handed out music (voice part only) and rehearsed the class twice on the Yamaha piano I brought with me. Then they sang it to me. Heaven.

This week, I had the CD and we played it on Gonz's laptop so they could hear the accompaniment. Then they hummed it to me...and I went numb.

Maybe Mom didn't sit under a tree waiting for a song to reveal itself -- but now the "missing link" of nondeservingness is gone. I've celebrated myself.

Here it is: Lily
(:57 seconds).

And please -- hum it to me on my special days.

Humble thanks

An open thanks to all who left me comments re: my HNT photo yesterday -- so wonderful to be seen and responded to like that. Thanks, Osbasso, for making HNT happen.

And to those who wrote about my eyes and lips... I am equal parts self-conscious and moved. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Happy Half-Half-Half Nekkid Thursday


I started with the "half" part, trying to be all arty-farty and such -- then I remembered 5th grade science class and the fact that I had photoshop...

And it's true, it's true -- neither side matches the other. Now I know what side is my "good" side! hahahah (no sarcastic comments from the peanut gallery, please).

Happy HNT!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

"In My Daughter's Eyes"


So much to say about this wedding in Sacramento last weekend -- will complete soon. Suffice it to say, Andrea was shocked and moved when her mom and Rick surprised her by singing this Martina McBride song to her at the reception.

What a beautiful moment!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Half-Nekkid Thursday

Ah, blogging is so fun -- thanks for turning me on to this, YankeeBob!


Okay, I'm not that creative for today, my first Thursday -- but it's also not often I get to show off a nekkid Pacific-Islander-and-ready-to-climb-coconut-trees foot that's freshly manicured in a Pimp My Ride kind of color (that I love so be nice). And did you notice the background -- it's the HNT guideline page! But next week I'll be a bit more...inventive. :)

Wanna play? Just click on the button and read the guidelines -- and share away!


Thursday, September 29, 2005

John Fugelsang -- NOT "my bad"

[First guy I've ever heard address the phrase "my bad" -- I HATE that phrase, and thank goodness he rolled his eyeballs at that one. I DON'T GET IT...what kind of crappy English is that?!]

John Fugelsang Guess my unconscious self got mixed up -- it replaced John Fugelsang with his America's Top Home Video's predecessor, Bob Saget. I KNEW I should've been making out with Fugelsang instead...

Just happened to catch tickets with my writing teacher to see his show tonight, surprising my brother, who happened to be in town on business. It was a good night, and poor Mickey, didn't see it coming -- welcome to my world! I've never told my family about my writing/performance class, and here he is at a cabaret in West Hollywood surrounded by all of us artist types. But knowing my engineer bro, I don't think he felt too out of his element -- after all, he once was an award-winning drummer!

Fugelsang was terrifc (and quite hot in longer hair and jeans -- and a shirt too). I loved the storytelling part because that's what I saw him in first (yeah, remember THAT EARLIER POST). He can tell a story with the best of them... and after enjoying full out characters like that... I didn't want to hear stand up. Set-up/joke, wet-up/joke, set-up/joke... bleech.

I wanna see the guy who's done Hamlet.

Anyhoo, it was a fun night. I could see his wife behind him -- she was enjoying it a lot too -- which is great to see in this town (as opposed to a spouse who's bored to death). I toyed with sending him an "appreciation email" via my teacher (okay, a FAN LETTER), but thought differently when I remembered I was ON STAGE with this guy and we met under different circumstances. You know, we were fellow performers?! [Got to get out of this "fan" mindset...okay, done.]

So maybe he'll find this if he googles himself. ;) John -- great show!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I'm so proud

My wedding present -- this website for Lynn and Stephen.

I love weddings... and this was a joy. If you liked it -- spread the word :)

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Kissing Bob Saget

Bob Saget How is it my dreams are THAT much more exciting that my real life?

Getting a powerful environmental message from David Letterman -- about forests, golf courses (?), electronic waste, as well as giving HMOs a chance to do their work... Wacky stuff.

Also, about paying attention to people who have BEEN in earthquakes and floods and all natural disasters because they now real terror... and to love the one you're with.

HAHAHA I'm still laughing at all of this... because in the end I had to learn how to really play golf (not playing at playing golf) so I could be with my Kissing King, Bob Saget. How in the hell did he get into my subconscious? Maybe I shouldn't fall asleep with the radio on.

Whatever it was... it was the best makeout session ever! EVER.

Where in the world is Moldova?

This is such a good game I got from Sp3ccylad... I've finally learned where some countries are!

European Countries - Level Three

I still sucked though -- 31/45 countries right (69%) and 144 miles error. (And yes, I did it twice -- got the same score!)

Try it -- how'd you do?

A Maddening Day

And that's all I'll say about that.

Thank God for a quiz/meme from Stacey, Allie and DevilBoss -- love these pseudo-slambooks, they make me feel so very... youthful. Thanks ladies!

10 years ago I was…
I was six months in this apartment. I laughed when my landlady said the tenant before was here for nine years... I'm not laughing anymore. I was also working for Disney for a Texan named Skip who loved to juggle his many younger Asian lady dates... and was eight months into my first real relationship, that should've ended after two weeks, but instead lasted two years (officially) and two years after that. Hm.

5 years ago I was…
I think I was working for Xena: Warrior Princess. I think. Yeah. Okay, so it was a quiet time.

1 year ago I was…
This is depressing... still doing what I'm doing now... reading hands, trying to finish college, without a man but not really wanting one... but I think I was harder on myself than I am now.

Yesterday I was…
Taking the terrific Alchemy of Love class with the fab Heidi Rose -- the topic was "softening the heart" and was great. Almost as great -- the split pea soup and grill cheese sandwich at the House of Pies afterwards!

5 snacks I enjoy the most:

  1. Watermelon
  2. DIPS, any kind of dips!
  3. Chicken wings
  4. Anything passed as hor douvres, especially at weddings

5 songs I know all the words to:

  1. Puppy Love, Donny Osmond (of course)
  2. It's Too Late, Carole King
  3. As Long As He Needs Me, from "Oliver!"
  4. For All We Know, The Carpenters
  5. Just My Imagination, The Temptations (good god, I'm a karaoke queen!)

5 things I would do with a billion dollars:

  1. Buy and furnish a bitchin' house on solid rock with a view and a huge guest house in LA with a cook, a trainer and a housekeeper; a place in NYC and Paris.
  2. Buy my dad a Jaguar, my mom a daily housekeeper and them a vacation home big enough for them and their friends in Hawaii -- and other fricking thing they want!
  3. Put lots away from the nieces/nephews (and me); buy houses/trips/oodles of presents for relatives and friends; invest in their cool creative projects
  4. Travel forever and make films, theater, art
  5. Build a school in both Surigao and Iloilo, Philippines...

5 places ideal for running away to:

  1. Switzerland
  2. South of France/Italy/Greece
  3. Paris
  4. Russia
  5. Manhattan!

5 items you’ll never see me wear:

  1. Ruffles
  2. Anything midriff-y. Are you kidding?
  3. Gold
  4. A watch
  5. Anything itchy

5 best TV shows:

  1. My Fair Brady, Kept (anything on VH1)
  2. Celebrity Poker Showdown
  3. The Apprentice
  4. Entourage
  5. Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List

5 biggest joys in life:

  1. My family (shout out to Stephie!)
  2. Musicals! (immediate tears at the overtures)
  3. Los Angeles
  4. Great food, wine and company
  5. Growing, learning, creating

5 favorite toys:

  1. The sungka game (shell game) my mom gave me and taught me how to play when I was a kid.
  2. Adobe Photoshop
  3. My high school tiara
  4. Deck of cards
  5. Yamaha electric keyboard

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Love on a Two-Way Street

If you knew that was a song by The Moments, you're an old school gal/guy like me!

MamacitaG posted about Pandora, which is like your own personal jukebox. You put down one song, and it finds other songs similar to it based on musical analysis -- melody, style -- and it just keeps finding more and more stuff all based on one song!

I did "A House is Not a Home" by Luther Vandross -- and I've gone back thirty years thrilled t0 listen to three-minute R&B hits I haven't heard in that long a time. It's terrific... I love trips back like that... especially on our first rainy day in LA.

Clean, blue sky in Los Angeles is delicious.


Speaking of "I found love on a two-way street and lost it on a lonely highway"... (okay, bad segue, I admit it)...

The one-week-old crush is over.

Quickest recovery yet.

I learned enough to say "Schwarzewald" (Black Forest), where he's from in Germany... but I realized you just can't "make" people love you, especially if you're not their type... I'll just be a friend for now and continue with my work on myself...

(Go ahead, try it, I dare you. Think of someone who liked you a lot but you couldn't reciprocate. And no matter what they did, how nice they were or how much weight they've lost (!) -- could you like them? LIKE like them -- like THAT? Nope. So it just sucks being on the other end of that equation. Oh well.)

I did have a bottleneck of feelings though, as he brought his "friend w/ benefits" to our monthly end-of-class party... I was a bit shocked, but I didn't feel like the usual loser... just felt a bit sadness, a tad of longing.

So I went to see a nice mushy romantic comedy, Just Like Heaven. Roger Ebert likes it, so I'll go. I take the ride, loving performances by Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo... and as predictable as this movie is (okay, I didn't know exactly EVERYTHING, there was one big surprise I didn't anticipate), at the very end...

Out poured the tears. And I couldn't stop though the entire credit crawl.

It's not often I get "there" about "relationship." I'm too guarded, too full of excuses and promises to myself (when I lose weight, when I finish school, when I get a better job, apartment, life) to be open the possibility of finding a partner/lover/husband to witness all the minutiae that makes up a person's life and make them feel seen and vulnerable and loving...

And as good as it feel to be open for those few minutes, which was spurred by my hardcore, week-long crush... it reminded me how closed I am 99% of the time I am. Open for others... but not for me. So I vowed to stay open. And I've cried just a little bit more.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Flamenco - Tango - Milonga

Sally and Pablo
Weird night tonight -- probably anticipating weird weekend of hand class/enneagram class and full moon. I don't know why everyone's making such a big deal about this harvest moon -- people around me are just a bit TOO AWARE. Weird weird.

This one's for you, Allie -- you probably hate J.Lo, but if you can stand to get 2/3s through the Ain't It Funny video -- take a look at the cajon (box drum) player. That's the friend I was flirtin' with in my Yo Estoy Loca post. Fun, no?

Sally PotterThis brings me to tango...and the fab movie The Tango Lesson, a film by Sally Potter. I loved this movie, and one day will learn this dance. But most of all I want to be like Sally Potter, FILMMAKER-STORYTELLER-PERFORMER. Better do it before I croak.

SeisousoAnd I remember lending the video to Ilia when he was working on his tango, Seisouso. I know that skate better through the video camera taping him than I do watching it live....

Lastly, I remember I'm in the middle of finishing my own milonga. Can't wait til it's finished... can't wait to share it.

(First things first, Missy.)

Friday, September 16, 2005


How fun this was!

And to Allie dearest, who asked the fab question "is this real or a metaphor" -- my answer is I WISH! Really. I wish.

But the NO SEX LAST NIGHT issue aside, I did do some cuddling with Meredith, CJ and Susan at the Hollywood Bowl last night for Fireworks and French music...and yes, it was very, very cold. The temp, not the music. Although three songs by Saint-Saens was a bit much, especially that organ concerto. They had a piano out AND an organ, and I think both players must have played a total of 45 notes. BLEECH.

Anywho, a great time was had by all. We had walked uphill from the church parking lot we met at so the downhill stroll back was just perfect. But this old body was not used to either... and it was great because I fell straight asleep when I got home, no sleeping pill needed at all.

Exercise. What a concept.

Here a few more photos from last night (it was hard to get things in focus) -- if you ever get a chance to go to the Bowl -- you must. And bring a blanket -- and/or a hot fella. ;)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Yo estoy LOCA!

In a message dated 9/14/2005 6:07:48 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Heidi Rose writes:

Did you have fun going out last night?
Love love---

Oh my god, Heidi, I'm crazy!!!



Bunch of us went out to dinner at Finn McSomethings (?) Pub -- D.B. Sweeney was there -- he's getting older, but still cute -- and Viv C spotted him first! :)

TL, Claudia (who's still in shock after two weeks having broken up with her guy), Anita, Patric, Viv C, Tracy and Eli. Nice time.

Afterwards, Viv C, Patric and I walked three blocks to a club called Mor that Viv G had disappeared to after the seminar -- it was a $2 cover so what the hey, we went to see if she was still there. She wasn't. It was techno, white people music but loud dance music still makes me want to shake my booty. But we didn't... we just sat for awhile, then walked to Viv's and my car.

And we stood out there in the parking lot -- for at least an hour! Good god, I felt like I was in college again -- a perfect night near the ocean and staying up yakking about sex and drugs and every stupid thing we'd ever done... and the possibility of every last thing in the world... it was all was fresh and new and full of hope...

I could have done him right there. I love cars. I love vans.


At 1:30 I drove him to his car and called it a night.

I was relieved to tell Viv we did NOT make out in the car.

Today, there was a last minute call for Anita's birthday at the Woodranch (at the Grove) where Mer works so she could serve us and give us major discounts. He sat next to me and we split a tri tip salad and a baked potato. TL was shooting me looks. And asks me out loud if we can straighten out money before class. (I still owe her a few hundred.) Good timing, TL. Fortunately she leaves early before I kill her.

At the end of the evening, we walked Anita and Viv to the elevators... he wanted to get a coffee and walk. So we walked.

But first he wanted to go to JCrew. (Not my favorite store. No clothing store is.) So we go in and he's looking for hats. He's looking at stuff... and I say that it would look good on him.

"Hey," he says, "you're flirting with me." (He didn't seem to mind it.)


"Yeah. So? Why not?" I'm a Seven after all.

"Why are you doing that?" he laughs.

"Because I can." I have no idea where I'm going with this.

"Oh you can, huh?"

"Yeah! Because you're safe." OH GOD. Did I just tell a man he was SAFE? UGH.

"Safe. Hm."

End of that most miserable exchange.

AARGH! Fortunately the rest of the night was uneventful... he bought a coffee and we kept walking for a hour -- of course I couldn't keep my mouth shut now and I'm babbling at the mouth because I'm trying to redeem myself from "flirting with a SAFE guy."

It finally got cold and he walked me to my car. Big hug. Nice. He was feeling better... really struggling with ego v. core self (EGO is beating the shit out of him in anticipation of parents arrival) -- but was much lighter by the end of the evening because of me.

Nice. Nice to be around a handsome single, straight man willing to talk about life. And not just his.

I can't say I have a crush on him... it doesn't feel like that because I know it's futile. But I like his company... I'll miss him not in class.

But it surely has awakened a "need" -- this autumn that's coming in is hitting hard... like I've never experienced before. Longing almost... like a Four longs but without the deep angst. Melancholy... yet with hope.

Anyway...did I have fun?

Yes. Definitely yes.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Fat Man Walking

Inspiring and exactly what I needed to hear.

"Walking across America to lose weight and regain my life!"

Sleep Apnea

Dr. Dean Edell mentioned on his radio show that sleep apnea or sleep disorders are more of a result of depression or obesity that actually sleep problems.

Great. After lying in bed thinking I'm asleep for an half an hour, finding out it's only 5:12 am... oh jeez. Maybe I'll just stay up and this headache will go away.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Speaking of Donald Clark Osmond

with Donny and Marion
He was a guest on the health and fitness show I worked on as a Production Secretary (and that's Marion Ross, "Mrs. C" on Happy Days, as one of our hosts).

Yes, this is on camera... everyone in the office knew I had been crazy about him when I was kid, so they invited fellow officemate, Armeen and I to come to the set at the Marina del Rey hotel to say hello.

Well, I wasn't going to meet my teenage idol empty-handed... so I bought I little bouquet of white mums with a big purple flower in it. Like he really needed flowers.

Little did I know that the producer and the crew had a surprise for me -- I was going to get to give it to him on camera! HAHAH I thought I had calmed down after all the Donny Osmond songs Armeen and I shouted/sang in the car... but no, this was absolutely nauseating!

Then all of a sudden, there I am on stage interrupting Marion. How tickled I am! I still look at that picture and crack myself up.

I said something like, "These are for you -- and the there's a purple one in the middle." He said something like Prince has usurped the color purple now... and it was over. Wish I had tape.

me, Donny and Armeen

We took a picture afterwards, Armeen and I, with the guy I was going to convert to Mormonism for. Ah, the mind of a 10-year-old. But I'll always have a special place in my heart for Donny. Don't you? :)