Thursday, November 17, 2005

Spurred Heart

It's amazing, after all these classes...

I'm supposed to be a "healer" and "artist" and all around "ulnar person" (which means focussed on the inner world of intimacy and creation, as opposed to outward success and power).

And yet I'm reminded this week JUST HOW SHITTY AT RELATIONSHIPS I AM.

I've got the protective armour of a dinosaur too... and I cringe at the expectations I continually discover I have of myself.

It's horrible.

I really wanted to get to know this fellow -- let's call him Uranian, some people will know who this is, others who know astrology will know what he's about...

We've been spending nice time together, nice LONG time, hours even... and I've got it in writing... yes, I bring joy to his belly! Pretty good for a perfectionist like him to have a change of heart and attitude, eh... I'm not bad.

But the next day, I was wiped out... no self-take care on my part... bad news. Could barely function and took myself to a friend's for two and a half day to coddle myself. (Thanks Chiquitita!) But saw him again...

my lipsAnd knew I would "just be a friend." AAGH! (And yes, those are my lips. He said he liked them. Merde!)

He was one of the aforementioned new male "grown ups" I've gotten to know recently... and no, I guess I'm not for him. Part of me wants to blame myself... what did I do? What did I do too much of? Did I flirt too much, make too many innuendos? Am I just always going to be disgusting and fat and someone UNLIKE his mother who makes him feel so totally unseen?

Because now I feel unseen too, and that's what's most painful: HERE WE GO AGAIN.

Me without love.

Too much crying lately... I can't take all the goodbyes that are happening this month. Hand class is ending -- good, because I hated the commitment, but I'm saying goodbye to a structure that held me for four years.

The apartment I've been living in for ten and a half years -- up for sale. Where will I live? With who? How?

God, I'm feeling sorry for myself... I just want to have a partner... be with one man that knows me, sees me, holds me. I'm so lost right now, and really, really sad...

I just don't know how to do it. How do people keep their heart OPEN?! Eight weeks of Alchemy of Love and I still don't know how to do it.