Saturday, September 18, 2004

A Rectal, A Recital

I had a physical today with Dr. Tilem -- my first in two years since my insurance had run out. But Mom couldn't stand the thought of me maybe crashing my head or something dumb like that again without insurance (because of course I'd run her broke) so we got some online that would accept my pre-existing conditions.

I stayed up all night (like I usually do) but then I didn't want to nap in case I'd miss the appointment at 9:00 am. Her nurse, Alexandra, is a nice lady from Poland who's only been here for 10 years... she used to be in Hotel Management and now she's poking around doing my EKGs. After that, I'm lying there butt naked under all that paper covering me and the Dr. says she'll be right back... I take advantage of getting a few zzzzzs, noting that hmmmm, it's been awhile.... ah well, I like to catch a little snore (understatement!) when I can.....

ONE HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER, Dr. Tilem comes dashing in with Alexandra, apologizing profusely... "What time is it?" I ask. She says 10:30. I say I needed the nap, but she's a bit freaked out that she did that and hurries through a pap and pelvic -- and before I know it she's in there with a rectal that I didn't expect: "I'm gonna do a rectal exam" and two seconds later I'm going "Huh?" and it's over and I'm thinking that was so fast she couldn't have been calculating any kind of information could she? Well, who cares, I passed -- pardon the pun.


So, I decide to go to Eagle Rock and finally have this first meeting with french Bruno the 2nd (my composition prof) re: this ever-hanging on senior recital. I haven't seen him since April 30 or so or even e-mailed him since two weeks ago... first person I run into on campus is Dr. Grayson, my old composition professor from 1981-83 who's retired and visiting the music department and he comes out to practically attack me with a hug! HAHAHA It's really funny he had so much affection for me -- probably just nostalgia, not me in particular -- I just remember being horrified/terrified/panicky around him back in the day because I was such a lousy student. But he was really glad to see me, and we chatted til he was interupted by another visitor.

Things haven't changed too much since then... I'm a bit of a lousy student again and not very focussed. But I finally I've decided that I'm not ready for November -- I had a great summer, but it certainly wasn't great for composing music. Good thing, Bruno says, because they're getting really strict with the recital dates and reservations and the spring is practically filled up, better book a date now.

Great with me -- February it is, I have to actually go through some rigamarole to get on the calendar with the department head and I gotta book it now. They're probably pretty wary about me anyway since I cancelled three times last year... yikes, I'm really holding my breath trying not to beat myself up for that... it just wasn't the right time, Madley... you are not a complete fuck-up or flake.

I'm not looking forward to telling the folks or my brothers... but I finally am daring to dream to have the wonderful recital I know I can do, and am willing to make it a REALITY. It doesn't feel like I'm suffocating again.