YAHOOEY!
I could actually tell I was going down... Andrew's been pointing out that I actually have muscles in my legs (darn squats). Now if I could only SPOT REDUCE -- but he says there's no such thing. Good thing, I suppose... I'd go in there with my gut and my chin(s)... and... hahaha okay, maybe it's better I melt the fat away with these metabolizing muscles (like a candle) so I don't look nuts...
So exciting :)
 Should have kids You scored 85 % Parent Material! |
Your high score suggests that you would be an excellent parent. Not only are you willing to put in the time and effort (and believe me, having kids is going to take plenty of both!)into raising children, but you are also willing to make necessary sacrifices. On top of that, you are patient and loving where children are concerned, and you might even have some good insights about raising them. You would have them for the right reasons (not because you feel obligated, and not so that they can take care of you, but because you really do love childen). If you scored this high and don't want children, don't worry-nobody is going to force you to have any if you really don't want to, and you are not a "bad" person. Go ahead and read what I wrote to people who scored "shouldn't have kids," and you'll see what I mean. That being said, maybe you'd be ideal for charity work with children, like Big Brothers/Big Sisters or tutoring? Just some food for thought. |
My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The Should You Really Have Kids? Test written by science_gal on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
I know I'm sleeping well because I'm dreaming up a storm... I'm rested so the mind can take its little "trips."
Night before last I was cooking. Cooking up a storm... there were lots of friends preparing for banquet or buffet in a community center of some sort... I was helping with everyone and seemed to be the expert with all the recipes. Most were "comfort foods" of the people cooking them -- stews, one-pot-wonders, baked/broiled food, etc. And there was enough for an army. We never got around to eating it though...
Last night -- poor G3rry Alt@mero, if I couldn't have him in real life (4th-12th grade), he's there big time in my dreams! I learned how to be invisible and fly and found him and his family. Eventually I taught my family how to be invisible and fly, and taught him too... it was so lovely because we could help people as well as build our own house... flying and being invisible.
I'm going back to bed to see if there's more -- the two above seem heavy-duty (and obvious!). Good night, G3rry.
| Buff sweetie You scored 25% masculine, 58% athletic, 18% exotic, and 56% refined! |
You like a buff guy with a clean and polished look. However, you do prefer a more innocent look to him and not the testosterone pumped manly man kind. Someone you might like is.......Brad Pitt. (At least in this picture - his style changes so much it's hard to generalize about Brad) But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test! |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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| Link: The What type of MAN turns you on Test written by thinkandcome on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test |
Just got this email from an old friend from high school that I met again at a reunion in 2004 (after 26 years). He and his new young and beautiful wife we a perfect pair...
Now look it, I'm being serious. T an I are having aIt's just so sweet! John was the ex-bandmate I'd get to sit next to because I played bari sax and he played the sousaphone (tuba) and we had many a fun time at 8:00 am in the morning, yakking away!
baby girl in july, just found out the sex last week.
Our first, Is that funny are what? I'll be 46 when
shes born. I kill me. My greatgrand father had five
girls in his late fiftes. So kinda a family tradition. L J
A couple of weeks ago I drove down to the Disneyland Hotel to meet my dear friend, Parrish -- a young buck I met 12 years ago when he was fresh out of college and had just moved to Los Angeles from Chicago to make it in the film/TV business.
We were inseparable friends as soon as we met, he eventually rented a room in my house, and we spent lots of $ on movies and dinners out. But alas, Chicago beckoned him home, so off he went, though he's always stayed close to his "Ate" (older sister) via phone and email.
Fortunately we could spend at least a few hours together though I cringe every time at a Disney property. He makes me of a good time in my life: my play had just been produced and I had lots of confidence, energy and verve. I also lived in a sweet house, worked as an independent contractor in a law firm (night shift even!) and was in writing and acting classes... I just felt happy then... and he reminded me (and always reminds me) of how strong and important I was to him then. It felt great to be in that space again.
Lastly, Parrish showed me pictures of his beautiful fiancée, Kay, who he's marrying in March in Bangkok. Oh I wish I could go! It's going to be quite the formal -- and fun -- weeklong event... and you know, if Love can hit a crazy bachelor like him that hard... hell, I'm SURE there's hope for me yet! ;)
Parrish, just know I'll be with you and Kay in spirit... and I'm looking forward to meeting you both here sometime soon.
dis·trac·tion n.
1. The act of distracting or the condition of being distracted.
2. Something, especially an amusement, that distracts.
3. Extreme mental or emotional disturbance; obsession: loved the puppy to distraction.
dis·trac·tion n.
1. A condition or state of mind in which the attention is diverted from an original focus or interest.
2. Separation of bony fragments or joint surfaces of a limb by extension.
Interesting word for me today.
I'm feeling just a little bitchy right now... the feedback I'm getting from my non-virtual world is just a bit shady to me.
Relationships...crushes...dreams...hopes -- are these things a distraction from being the "real" me? From living the life and being the person I am "meant" to be?
And "meant to be" according to who? And on who's fucking time table?
It's a really big question that can't be answered in a flash; and at the same time, I'm not going to beat myself up for having a life that on the outside looks like ONE BIG FUCKING DISTRACTION.
Ugh.
This is what my life LOOKS like. And if you want to call it a distraction to actually be AWAKE for things that are happening along the way -- you know, something akin to "smelling the roses" -- then be my guest. What matters is what I think my life needs to be about, and how I do or don't make myself happy.
Yes, now I have something to THINK about... or wait, I forget, you think I'm too much in my head anyway... damn, these airy hands.
Well, whatever I'm doing, you just talk amongst yourselves and don't tell me any of it. I've got enough distracting pollution around me as it is.
"A House Is Not A Home"
by Burt Bacharach
sung by Luther Vandross
A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight
A room is a still a room, even when there's nothin' there but gloom
But a room is not a house and a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart
Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your face appears
But it's just a crazy game
When it ends, it ends in tears
Pretty little darling, have a heart, don't let one mistake keep us apart
I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs and turn the key
Oh, please be there, sayin' that you're still in love with me, yeah...
I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs and turn the key
Oh, please be there, still in love
I said still in love
Still in love with you...yeah...
Are you gonna be in love with me
I want you and need to be, yeah
Still in love with me
Say you're gonna be in love with me
It's drivin' me crazy to think that my baby
Couldn't be still in love with me
Are you gonna be, say you're gonna be
Are you gonna be, say you're gonna be
Are you gonna be, say you're gonna be
Well, well, well, well
Still in love, so in love, still in love with me
Are you gonna be
Say that you're gonna be
Still in love with me, yeah...
With me, oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...
Still in love with me, yeah...yeah...
How in the hell does a Filipino woman like me who abhors the sun get frickin' FRECKLES? Geez. I wonder if that dermabrasion stuff works on these things...they're cute on Lucy Liu, but not on me. Anyone know? Geez, my skin sucks.
Just got back from a Robert Wilson production of Puccini's Madama Butterfly at the LA Opera -- holy cow, tonight was NOT the night to see a Asian woman off herself for "honor." I understand it (Miss Saigon was more my speed)... but dear god, I don't LIKE it. Not in the places I've been lately...and am still.
Hope you all have a great Half-Nekkid Thursday...
Hairy Hoser reminded me of Iz and his rendition of "Over the Rainbow" -- that it was great to get over the "funks" with. Thanks HH, it was nice to haul out that CD.
Still haven't crawled out of my hole to blog here again. I will. Someday.
A hearty day out with the little munchkin I babysit, Kate. She's quite the salve for the crappy week I'd been having... thank goodness, though, things are finally looking up once again.
Happy HNT!
I didn't think it'd happen to me... but it has:
I have to "edit myself" (including entire posts) from my blog. Apparently too many people "can get hurt" from me havin' my own damn feelings... so I'm just going to go underground with an anonymous blog and leave the "nicer toned" things here.
Don't worry: in a few posts, you won't remember there was any kind of change at all.
It infuriates me that I feel I have to censor myself like this... it really does. And I have loved my blog. Yet at the same time, I'm certainly not at a point in my own development where I can just tell people to FUCK OFF and mind their own business, or that whatever MY truth is is MINE even if they're in it, and if they have a DIFFERENT truth, then they can go WRITE their OWN BLOG.
Maybe when I'm 110 and folks have already rotted in Hell I will have cojones enough for that to be me. Maybe.
But until then, I've gone deep into hiding. The Public Me will be pleasant, perky, and personable.
Have a good night. :)
| Your Stripper Song Is |
 Toxic by Britney Spears "With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride You're toxic I'm slippin' under" You may dance for someone - but only to weaken their defenses. |
So happy to share:
Andrew Heffernan, my personal trainer, triathlete and good bud, has just begun writing small "fitness tips" in his blog and to his training clients. He's so knowledgeable and clears up many of my misconceptions about diet and exercise -- and he's funny too as he helps me make sense of it all... otherwise I certainly would not be doing this!
His first three tips (entries/posts/essays):
1. Drink water.
2. Eat up...often! (and yes, that miserable client climbing the canyon is ME)
3. Without a --- to stand on... (and now I know why the h*ll we're always doing squats and lunges!)
Check out Andrew's blog, Dynamic Fitness and drop him a line with questions/comments you might have... I'm sure he'd love to hear from you!
Very exciting... Andrew wanted me to increase my weight training with him from two times a week to three, one of those days being more of a cardio day (as in up Runyon Canyon).
In those two weeks with the added workouts, I lost four pounds, total of 11 so far!
And if I felt non-participatory in my last weight loss triumph of 1988 of 100 pounds or so (which is why I didn't do it the O.A. way this time)... let me just say:
I'VE BEEN PRESENT FOR ALL THIS WEIGHT LOSS 100%. Yup. This success I will feel part of, for sure.
My skating girlfriends couldn't wait for me to see "Kristi Yamaguchi's Family and Friends" special and one of them sent me a tape.
"Get ready to laugh!" she said on the post-it in the package.
It was lovely to see Ilia with his family, as well Katia skating (pairs) with Daria. That will always be a heart-ringer, that pair... she's beginning to look like her mom did when she started competing and winning... and of course, she's the spitting image of her dad.
And Ilia...he's got a clone in her daughter. What a character she is.
I didn't laugh though... I just cried. All these kids, the skaters I grew up with...and spouses, their babies. It was so very heartfelt and warm...
All I could feel was "Why didn't this happen to me?"
For those of you who've asked... I'm okay. He's okay, we're okay. What's changed is, as one of you so kindly put it, my energy around him/dreams, etc.
And that's okay. Nice retrograde Venus, stuff huh?
Best to keep moving forward, quietly, consistently. It's only January 10 and I feel like I'm behind on the whole frickin' year.
Except working out. Three times a week with Andrew is amazing... it's like something I DO, now, not just an appointment I can blow off or not. It feels good.
At least something does.
[Note: I'd originally taken this down due to a self-imposed censorship and pressure. But after all the support I had to not do that to myself -- and even from he for whom this was written -- I've decided to re-post. Fuck it! It is, however, minus the half-face photo, at his request. Granted. 1/26/06)
HEARTSICK
I knew tonight
When my meal came alone
That tonight would be "so long"
I knew tonight
When you asked if I cut hair
That your list was something I'd never be on
I knew it, I've been here before
Friendship takes over, possibilities die
And tears gush from a sickened heart
Weak with disappointment
After weeks burst with life
And hope, alive, with anticipation
And dreams of a precocious path
But not with you.
I knew with your tired embrace
Your need to be left alone
And those potent hands
Would never comfort me to sleep
I knew with my heavy smile
That lied "the world is all right"
That my place in your orb would diminish
To nothing but an atom of affection
I knew, I knew...
They said don't do it, you deserve better
As a man who can't love, cruel
And mean, he'll do it again
Let him walk with his charms, far away... so far
But no, she said...
Deep, a refusal to listen
Or be polluted by fear
The heart yearned to be open
Again, to embody love
And to know God once more.
I knew not of evil,
Asleep in the angry man
They pushed, but it's not what I knew
Passion and growing zest, spirit
Screaming to get out too...
A soul like me
A soul who liked me
But not today.
I knew it, I tasted it.
All courtesy... none of it present
A buddy or pal I will not be
Because now I know it --
I want more...
From you, from my world
From a man. From The Man.
Don't want to let go...
So lonesome already
Desperate, pathetic
Weeping for a song unsung...
I miss you!
... or was it just the fancy
And hope I'd be yours --
Or be someone's. Someday.
My heart reeks of pain
And is seeped in the ache
The wail, and festering sobs
I bared my soul again
Willingly, resilient
To hope... until there was none
Tonight hope died
And now you've become another story
Just "a guy I knew..." story
Volle Kraft voraus, you once said.
You will live this
Full steam ahead.
Without me.
Yet I will remember my crumbled heart
Maleable again because of the love I had
For you.
Volle Kraft voraus...
And my eyes will dry again.
Got this from YankeeBob the perfect thing for an exhausted Madley to do on the evening of the first day of the year (spent the whole day at The Grove and howled at The Producers). Should be a good/painless recap (thanks YB!).
(Update: it's taken me a week to look at this... so much for jumping into the new year!)
1. What did you do in 2005 that you’d never done before? Graduated from Hand Analysis
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Never make them because I never keep them -- and worse, beat myself up for not keeping them. So no more beating myself up!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No
4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes... my pug Yvette. :(
5. What countries did you visit? None (how sad)
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? A prosperous income and a college degree and LOVE. Or at least an international airline ticket somewhere.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? November 24, 2005 -- Thanksgiving. The moon and the stars were all in the right place that night ;)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Singing at Lynn and Stephen's Friday salon the night before their wedding... finally "came out" as a performer sort of!
9. What was your biggest failure? Not having my own money and going into lots of debt, and not singing at Andrea and Matthew's wedding.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No
11. What was the best thing you bought? A pair of earrings and matching necklace -- I've never done that before and they make me feel pretty :)
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? My niece, Stephanie, and sweetie pie Kate!
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? A few teachers.
14. Where did most of your money go? Into my stomach
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Falling in "friendship," and sort-of love...
16. What song will always remind you of 2005? "Something Good" from The Sound of Music... it's the Enneagram song for a certain One I know (and it includes my disintegrated Seven self).
17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Happier, I think... more present, if anything.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Working out, losing weight, writing music, KISSING.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Being afraid to be myself
20. How did you spend Christmas? Quietly, at my youngest brother's house with family
21. How will you spend New Year’s? I spent the Eve driving from the Bay Area, then at Claudia's and barely made it for the countdown, then talking w/ Patric in the car for awhile.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005? YES.
23. How many one-night stands? Same guy, (lovely!) but never all night, so I guess that doesn't count. [It's not the same guy as #22 though.]
24. What was your favorite TV program? Kept, The Apprentice, My Fair Brady... a lot of the makeover/design shows, Celebrity Poker and Jeopardy.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes.
26. What was the best book you read? I'm reading it: The Year of Magical Thinking (Joan Didion)
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? WICKED, Rachel Fuller and el cajon.
28. What did you want and get? Company for dinner at my house to help a friend. WOW! It felt good.
29. What was your favorite CD of this year? WICKED
30. What was your favorite film of this year? Crash.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Was with Mom and Dad -- at midnight they gave me so PJs... it was so sweet because they sang Happy Birthday too!
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To be in love and have it reciprocated.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Non-existent until Dec 4, 2005... I woke up and got extremely flattered for it. ;)
34. What kept you sane? Lexapro and my hand group, Heidi Rose, Viv C and Viv G.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry from "My Fair Brady" -- and Austen Earl and Seth Frye from KEPT.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? I plead the 5th
37. Whom do you miss? Yvette and Tyler, and my immediate family
38. Who was the best new person that you met? Uranian
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: FLIRTING IS GOOD!
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Something Good"
Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth
For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
This year, this season seems more hopeful and more joyous than ever before -- I don't know why. I also don't NEED to know why anymore, just be present now.
Merry Christmas -- and a wonderful, new, prosperous and full-of-love 2006 to everyone!
I'm at my folks house in the SF Bay Area. After a miserable drive up the 5 north in the middle of the night (let's just say it took longer than I planned) I took oodles of delicious naps yesterday, and yes, watched LOTS OF TV. I was a "heppy gel."
This morning at 5:00 am though, I went with them to attend my first Simbang Gabi ("Church at Night") which is really, well, mass in the morning. It's a Filipino tradition where there's a novena -- nine masses -- every morning nine days before Christmas. And a little "snack" afterwards.
This is the first year my parents' church (and the church of my childhood), St. Edward, put on their first Simbang Gabi. Although I only had an hour and half of sleep (okay, I'm a late night bird, but we all knew that), I'm so glad I went! First of all, I was shocked that half the church was full, mostly with Filipinos, but with a smattering of other nationalities too. And they all looked so festive as well!
Mom said Father Keyes would sing the whole mass, which I have to say I truly loved. My favorite period in Music History was Renaissance/Medieval and I LOVE gregorian chant... I often tell people I learned more in that Music History class than I ever did in 12 years of Saturday CCD (catechism) classes.
During the Eucharistic Prayer, where there is much repetition of the same chant, it was very meditative... and when the chant changed you knew it was for something wonderful being said, or in preparation for a response... I so appreciated it. (You'd think someone who professes to want to compose a Missa Brevis would remember what the actual names of these parts of the mass are... oh dear, I'll have to look it up later.)
I have a feeling I would have loved to hear the mass in Latin.
In any case, I've never heard The Lord's Prayer in Tagalog before: "Ama Namin". Father Keyes says he already knows it after these nine masses -- now I want to learn it too!
But the best part of it for me was during communion when the choir (yes! singing Tagalog!) sang a song that had the same musical structure as the OPM (Original Pilipino Music) have written... kind of a pop/romantic structure, but I'm sure after Father Keyes edict (12/5/05) that "the purpose of Music in Liturgy is to bear the word of God" it is truly an appropriate song for the mass.
Whatever it was, it made me cry. Here I am, 35 years after first stepping foot in St. Edward, weeping because the two things I hated so much in my life -- church and being Filipino -- had finally been joined to make me feel so very... rich.
Happy too, I guess. It made me proud that this little Filipino community (okay, in Newark it has become huge, but it wasn't always like that!) made a new tradition this year that brought them back to their past and celebrated their culture! That's so unusual, as we usually like to ignore it try to be as American as possible... but the tide is at last turning.
I was so proud to be in the lineage of a great tradition. It really was overwhelming. And I did feel sad that I had no children to pass it on to... last night when I was telling my mom about babysitting Kate, she did say, "It's such a shame you don' t have children. You are so good with them."
For once, I didn't feel like she was being critical... just expressing a feeling. And I could respond in kind: "It is, Mom. But maybe I'm supposed to be with many people's kids and share myself in other ways."
That felt good to say that. There was no sting in those feelings at all, and we really connected. I truly felt heard and seen.
