Friday, May 01, 2015

Hot off the press and
making our blood pressures high.

Dear N,

I already know how feel, finally... I don't have to wait for HER2 retreat to begin and end this weekend.  Because until last night, I was letting myself feel ANYTHING... until I watched this "Grey's Anatomy" last night, the aftermath after Derek's death.

All of a sudden I was Meredith, trying to survive without "my" him.  And I couldn't stop weeping.  It was hard to admit to Pam at Denny's when she asked me:  "Do you love him?" because I was so pissed off at what I thought was an idiot move on his part, to try and leave me.

Simbanggabi, 2014

But last night, that's all I could say:  "I love you.  I love you.  I love you."

And "I don't want to live without you.  Ever."

Yes, I'm an emotional drama queen... but now acknowledging how I feel freed me up to admit how hurt I am, instead of being the "strong" one.  I can weep.  I can grow.  I can move.

As Joel says, quoting "The Tao of Steve" I must stay busy and "Be excellent." And most of all, of course, pray.