Sunday, February 06, 2005

Gussied up for Gael

Gael Garcia Bernal in The Motorcycle Diaries

HUBBA-HUBBA! No, I didn't really see him in person tonight, just went to see Bad Education tonight with a girlfriend. What a dreamboat this Gael is. Between him and Diego Luna of "Y Tu Mama Tambien" -- ohfuggetaboutit... I'm cuckoo for these hunky Latin Actors. Good old Antonio (Banderas) of course leads the way, being all the more age-appropriate...Diego Luna and Gael Garcia Bernal"

It's the first Saturday night I've been OUT to have FUN with a FRIEND in a long time... and she since she's been chomping on the bit to try the "other side of the fence" (as in she went to her first girl bar last night), all her energy and "let's just not think and let's dance and be present" vibe has caught on tonight! And I'm so happy, excited... joyous!

1997 is when the world as I knew ceased to exist -- I hit my head on that damn water slide, started up on depression meds, broke up with my first real boyfriend, had lots of stress.

1998 I got fired from my longest job ever (four years). It was horrible trying to make it work, and quite a relief to be gone from an atmosphere I hated.

1999-2001 I worked on "Xena" in an office of five and it was the best thing for me to "cave it" at home, be a hermit, find a world online. I didn't even have a phone. But I did learn to not have to think about anyone or anything else but myself, and that was a miracle -- UN MILAGRO.

Then I found hand analysis, started to venture out, went back to two colleges to finish my degree, had some successes in theater and music.

Now, I'm ready to join the rest of the world again -- I really felt it tonight. All of a sudden there's a new Los Angeles there again, one worth putting lipstick and non-tennis shoes on, blowdrying my hair and finding some earrings...

It's funny, I don't have to date, I don't have to have a relationship. I am beginning to feel normal. Like wanting to wake up before 10, go to sleep before 1:00 am -- join the rest of the planet on the non-vampire schedule. And I'm not getting claustrophobic or panicky about it either... that's such a good sign!

Next week... have to do better checking in with my teammages about my "nanny chores" ... I pretty much sucked this week and even forgot my meds a number of times. Today, I'm going to do better.

Oh just thought of this... because I was in a scheduled chat tonight for Kulik's Krew, I turned my IM on (it's 99% NEVER ON) and lo and behold, I got very cleverly IM'd by a clever fellow in Burbank. Now I haven't played that "hook up" game in a VERY VERY long time, but this YOUNGSTER was a witty one and made me laugh. But eventually I had to leave, I said no... and yes... I FELT THE POWER OF BEING ME by being able to say NO! So wonderful.

As TL says -- you can't say YES until you really can say NO. And what I learned from a Channeling Venus workshop this past week (yeah VIV!) -- I avoid NO like the plague -- but I also avoid YES too. But now the channel's open for any kind of heartfelt decisions -- but only about what's good for ME.

So today I said NO to hooking up -- and I said YES to the rest of my life.

[Oh, and did I mention I'm meeting with my composition professor next week -- I'm attending his public presentation for the interview to get this tenure position and he asked me to come. Bien sur, Monsieur! I'll be there. But better yet, he encouraged me to finish my composition recital -- in case he doesn't get the position, he'll be gone next year, and then where would I be? Oh... hadn't thought of that... so I'm going full-steam ahead... and it feels good to be that focussed!

It feels like when I first moved to NYC -- A Whole New World and Who Am I in it?

Fab Fab Fab.

[Which also reminds me that this week my favorite Bachelorette Couple, Meredith and Ian broke up! Talk about another fairy tale crushed. But at least this time... I'm not consumed with other people's lives... my own (finally) feels so much more important. Yay!]