Whipped

This afternoon I was bemoaning the fact to my friend Lana that I have to make a trip up north and I DON'T GET TO SEE BRAD... which is the whole reason I planned to make this trip in the first place. A week and a half ago I needed to see him -- I was desperate to see him.

Now it happens I have a lot of errands to do up there, and I missed spending any quality time with my parents and family during my last visit. And yes, a couple of fantastic networking possibles are in the works there too... but listen, I WAS GOING THERE TO SEE BRAD. And I think he wanted to see me too.

Dammit.

But I'm stalling. Stalled. And I'm hard-pressed to get into my car and drive the 347 miles (and I even missed my niece's birthday dinner tonight too -- Happy Belated again, S!) -- a trip I hate when I'm alone because I get sleepy every 45 minutes and have to take a nap. Maybe I'll just buy some more Streisand tapes to sing to this time... Yentl, A Star is Born...

In any case, out of my mouth popped:

"I can't believe how pussy-whipped he is."

"Oh, yuck, Madley! I hate that word."

"Fucking guys. They fall for the One Girl and that's it, they can't see straight. It's HER pussy and no one else's!"

"I've always hated that word. It's so crass."

"What -- pussy?"

"Yeah. Gross."

"I know -- in our day it used to be one of the foulest words you could use to describe... I don't think you could even hear it anywhere except in pornos. But everyone uses it now."

"Really?"

"Yup.

"I gotta get out more."

"It's no big, Lana, it just means a guy is a wimp -- a big chicken-shit."

"Yuck. I still don't like to hear it."

"It's said so often it doesn't even mean anything anymore. Like 'bitch.' Everyone says it all the time -- it's not nice and I wouldn't say it front of my parents, but it's common. Pussy, pussy, pussy--"

"Madley!"

"See? Doesn't mean anything! Actually, it kinda makes me laugh--"

"Huh? Because?"

"Well... you know, my friend Travis here in L.A. was coming out of the gym and was crossing the street when suddenly some guy in a car cuts him off and almost runs him down, then screams out the window, "IDIOT!" like it was his fault for walking. Last I heard pedestrians get the right of way here in California, right?

"In any case, Travis sees that this guy is pulling into the Ralph's parking lot... which is where he is headed himself.

"So of course, he's pissed off -- and probably way puffed up -- and goes up to this unsuspecting guy: 'Hey -- did you just call me an idiot?"

"The guy puffed back. 'Yeah.'

"Well, your Mr. Tough Guy when you're in a car like that -- that was really rude back there. Do you want to call me an idiot to my face?'

"Don't forget now, Travis is over six feet tall and JUST GOT OUT OF THE GYM and apparently Car-Guy was just 'normal-size.'

"Car-Guy manages to sputter out, 'No, no, man,' as he tries to back away. 'I don't want no trouble.'

"But Travis was having none of it. 'You owe me an apology.'

"'I'm sorry,' says Car-Guy. 'Sorry.'

"'Good,' says Travis. 'Now say you're a pussy.'

"'What?!' says Car-Guy.

"What?!" says my shocked friend, Lana.

I tell her I'm completely flabbergasted when Travis says he said that, so he explained: "He WAS a pussy, so I made him say it. I said, Say it. Say you're a pussy. And he said it -- he said, 'I'm a pussy.'"

"Oh my god, Travis, I can't believe you made him say that."

"Hell, yeah! And then he started to walk away and I said, "Hey -- you got vaginal secretions dripping out of you!"

"No way, you did not say that!"

"Yeah, I did. Maybe I went too far to make him humiliate himself like that--"

"You think?!"

"... but he's lucky I didn't punch him out right there. That was rude of him. HE REALLY WAS A BIG PUSSY."

"Bleech," Lana says after that closing remark. "I'll never get used to it."

I tell her the word is just the punchline of a joke to me now, and new word for a coward/baby/loser. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore -- um, except when it's used with the word "whipped."

It makes me jealous.

And I'll admit it -- crass is as crass does: someday I hope someone will be that whipped for me.


Edited 8/6/08, 3:09 pm: Changed the pseudonym of "Robert" to the real Travis, who wanted credit for his humorous handiwork. And also to correct "vaginal fluids" to "vaginal secretions." When in doubt go to the source. :)

What Kind of Girl Am I?

[Apologies in advance to songwriters and Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley, in case I completely rip this song apart... I had to read my own rules again because I'm so tempted to just post a YouTube video of Filipina sensation Regine Velasquez singing her signature song... but hey, I'm rushing to make the midnight deadline, so I might as well get this right too. ]

So that was the big question looming over me today, as I finally left the house to run some errands and got behind the wheel. Tom Leykis was on the radio.

Yeah, yeah, before you bust my chops for listening to such a... a radio host... (!) hang on there with me. The Boy/Pup put it on while I was driving once, which is okay, because I actually like it when people play what they want in my car, it introduces me to new things. I was not ready for Tom Leykis, but it sure made me understand The Pup.

Samples of LEYKIS 101:

* Never spend a lot of money impressing her on the first date
* Stop seeing her if you don't get laid by the third date
* Never date single mothers

But the three I remember most:

* Never have a sex with a woman without a condom, no matter what she says because anyone no matter who has sex without birth control wants to get pregnant. And just having an orgasm isn't worth that.

* Some women are crazy... you meet them after one night, you bang 'em and suddenly you're their obsession, they jam up you up with calls and emails and texts and they LOVE you. And if a guy is a pussy, he'll just go along with it: "Um, I love you, too?" Come on guys... it's not worth it!

* Getting married is good for the girl -- shitty for the guy. Don't do it.

UGH.

So why am I bothered by all this? Because... I'm recognizing my own stupid-ass behavior in some of these women. And I feel like a complete retard when it comes this stuff. Sorry, it's not very PC, but you kinda talk slum-y to the slum-y... and that's where I'm at.

I was actually a bit... moved?... this afternoon -- so much so that I almost called that damn radio show to THANK TOM LEYKIS for making me see myself -- and swearing never again to be that icky, needy, plotting, desperate woman that he and his listeners so often fall prey to.

I would've called as one of my many female aliases (oh come on, I know you have aliases too -- I only use the male ones for online stuff where I don't have to use a voice) and I would've been the woman that every other woman HATES, but all the locker room jocks and piggish couch potatoes go, "YEAH! RIGHT ON!"

But I couldn't risk The Pup hearing me and my story after OUR first night... eeee gads. Talk about GOOEY.

Anyway, I'm not using this post to beat myself up... really, don't worry, I'm not! Things are just so malleable in my life right now -- and yeah, I'm missing Brad right now as we speak. The question just begs to be asked today: What Kind of Woman Do I Want to Be?

Why can't I fall in love like any other girl?
Maybe then I'll now what kind of fool I am.

No answers tonight. Just the question.

Clear Desktop, Clear Life

Three weeks ago I got into a rip-roaring discussion with The Boy/Pup that made me so furious that I vowed to not to speak to him or answer his emails or open his MySpace notes for a whole week -- HA! Take THAT, I said to myself (since I didn't say it to him... oh, I didn't mention that? Er...)

And to top it off, I was taking the beautiful 1024 x 768 full screen closeup photo of his tan shirtless godlike body off of my desktop. SO THERE! That'll punish ya! Goodbye dreamy eyes, exquisite obliques, rock-hard -- yikes, get thee out of my head! (No, no... those pictures are not for sale. Yet. ;)

This is how my screen looked for three weeks:

And you know what? That's kinda what my brain looked like too -- clear and vast, open to possibilities. For three weeks my path finally opened again to MYSELF, not to him or the two other aforementioned fellas. Just me and space, me and the ocean, me and the sky...

Of course I talked to him the next day -- and every other day after that (I'm not crazy enough to let that go of THAT after a mere "heated conversation" -- see, I told you I didn't remember things very well!). But my head has been cleared -- like the first 20 minutes after a good rain in L.A. that takes all that gunk out of the sky and you remember that you didn't always grow up breathing this disgusting air... Anyway, I feel like I can touch my brain again.

Today, though, I read a quick article about 9 Simple Ways to De-Stress Your Life that Actually Work -- liked the word "de-stress" and the good overview of everything we already know.

What caught my attention though was the photo the author used to accompany his piece. I knew immediately it belonged on my PC -- not too Thomas Kinkade, a little fantasy, a lot of anonymity and complete calm. Ahh....

By golly, I put that "more-grounded me" on my desktop in a flash! There's no fear or obsession in that picture, nor, today, in me because of my three-week "clear desktop cleanse." But now with the new pic I can remind myself -- I'm ready, I can step back into the world again and it's probably not too bad a place.

Losing It

It's 10:11 pm and my mind has been racing to think of what my sophomore post would be--

Relax. I say to myself. Tell me about your day. Anything "thematic" happen?

Well, yeah -- I've lost all kinds of shit today!

I can't find my house and car keys -- and they're on a big college neckband so I can feel it in my purse or hang it on the key cabinet (yes, I actually bought and painted a key cabinet, just for this purpose).

I can't find my headset to my cell phone, so of course I can't drive and talk at the same time -- one of my favorite things to do.

I can't find a photo album of 1998 photos I'm supposed to scan for a web group's commemorative 10th anniversary newsletter about our favorite Olympian.

Good god, yes... I AM LOSING MY MIND. No, I've already lost it...

Hey, don't be a drama queen... just tell the truth.

All right -- I lost a MAN this week! And I just didn't want to admit it.

Okay. That's better, right?

Yes. (Cue: Ann-Margret singing theme to Bye Bye Birdie)

"Brad" had a big crush on me in high school... I actually played his mom, Mrs. MacAfee to his Randolph in Bye Bye Birdie. He was a freshman to my junior, a scrawny squirt who loved hanging with us band/drama geeks as a respite from an ugly and volatile home life. Brad remembers me as being so nice and sweet, and that I paid a lot attention to him, but I, of course, don't remember any of this. I wanted to continue making out with the senior actor/quarterback playing Conrad Birdie!

One promise Brad always made was that someday he would grow up and be as big as a football player, and then I would want to be with him and kiss him again. Again? Sorry Brad, I don't remember that either (but you all already know I have pretty a selective memory anyhoo).

I saw him once 3-4 years later when he was in the service -- and wow, he did grow up to be 6'1" and 230 pounds big... and we did make out! But I was away living the college dorm life and he was "experiencing" Westpac as a U.S. sailor (and I use that term loosely... ahem). There couldn't have been two more different lives.

Fall 2007 and Brad finds a slew of us on Classmates.com and follows me and my name change on MySpace. How strange to be talking to this man after 30 years, especially when his memory of me is so sharp and affectionate. He was still a shrimpy punk in my head...

But he liked to talk -- and shockingly enough nowadays, on the phone, as he wasn't the typing type. How refreshing that was. He and his wife of 19 years were "having trouble" and Brad, who stayed in town, never met someone like "me" who was so wise, mature and empathetic to his situation.

A few months later there's huge blow-up between the two of them, and by law he has to move out of the house. So we talk... and talk. Every night we talk, like clock work since March. I was just closing in on the last month of my stressful senior recital, as well embarking on a new adventure on the "man" front... which Brad would counsel me on, kindly and gently, as a strong male voice of reason and experience.

We always joked that we were each other's "Number #2" and would flirt endlessly too. And I never felt more "heard" and "cared for" and appreciated because he really knew the essence of me... from high school to today. I LOVED MY DAILY CALLS, while relishing the fact that I didn't really have to commit to a "real relationship" with Brad. You know, that "don't really have him so can't really lose him" syndrome? And he was working on getting back with his wife anyway... as much as she would let him.

But guess what? I unexpectedly "fell" anyway, and fell for him hard. Went up north for a week in June, stayed with my parents but spent any evening time I could with Brad. After months of being so close "in the heart" it was hard to not want to be as close in the flesh! It all culminated one night in a high school-type "makeout session" in a parking lot -- imagine that, two almost 50-year olds! LOL. Thank goodness the Newark P.D. were otherwise detained :)

However, "it didn't feel right" and Brad knew he needed to go back to Sally and figure it all out, at least for the kids. (Yeah, it was nice to be THAT catalyst, huh?)

So I had a few good heavy duty cries and emails and said goodbye, just like Babs did with Nick Nolte. I came back to L.A. thinking it would now all be different.

And it wasn't. It got better... and my heart opened wider! My loving friends were so nervous that I would get hurt by this whole situation, but like Star Trek's Enterprise, I was boldly going where I'd never been before: I told them I'd rather practice being open and work a stronger heart muscle than to keep it closed and not ever care for this man!

It also seemed that his heart was closing when it came to Sally at the same time. He was throwing up his hands, surrendering to it never being good again, to the end being near.

Now if anything I learned from Brad, is that I don't deserve to think of myself the way I used to in high school... a gal with not quite the "most pristine" of reps. He told me how I should be treated because of how wonderful I was ... and for the first time in a long time I KNEW I WAS WANTED and worthy of a good, good life.

Whether or not that would be with Brad, we would see.

"Don't put us in a box, Madley," he'd say. "No one knows what's between us but us... and we don't know the future either. We just gotta tell the truth, NOW. I care for you... a lot. You will always be special to me. Remember that."

"Okay."

"And I know I have to be very careful with you..."

"Uh, okay."

"Now -- so how's your fella today?"

Isn't that weird that we could still talk about our Number #1's so freely?

One month later is this past Saturday. After a half-month of not seeing her, Brad finds out that Sally has broken her leg and is now Absolutely Helpless. And on MySpace his update read: "Going back to rescue the day. Mood: Gallant."

(Ah.)

The Savior Knight can now bring deliverance and he has his old job back. All is copacetic in their world again, roles return intact. And there isn't any room in there for me.

Thursday, after missing him three days on the phone and getting no peep online... I called Brad after a class. I like to think I bowed out graciously. He just sounded... so happy, joyous to be able to go back to his home and "fix it all up" again and take care of "his business"... how could I do anything otherwise?

"I'll understand if we won't be able to see each other next week when I'm there."

"Oh. You're very sweet, Madley." (Ooh. Two steps back and it sounds like a bad movie now.)

"I keep thinking 'grace and dignity' and I can do that. So we're okay, really."

"This open communication thing is hard, isn't it?"

"Yup. But no regrets! 100% eyes wide open, Brad, so I'm all right."

"I wish I had a more than one life to spend with you women!"

"Uh..."

"I love you, Madley. You know I do."

"I know -- I know."

I told him I'd be sad for a bit, and that I would really regret not ever being able to "lie prone" with him to watch a bunch of really cool movies (since he's quite the movie buff for not being here in L.A.)! And that, as they say, was that.

Fortunately, I told myself, if ever he wants me, he knows where to get me -- and then he'll have to jump through the hoops he taught me to put up for myself! (Again... we'll see.)

I cried in the car, driving myself to three faux tacos from Jack-in-the-Box. Bleech. But like I said, I'll live.

"Guy A" is gone (I still have Guy B and Guy C left, but that's another day) and now our relationship will be memorialized here in one August blog post. And a bunch of emails, MySpace conversations and photos. Soon I'll lose the memory of this too...

But maybe now I can find my keys.

Turtle Blast, Here I Come!

I promised myself a small Turtle Blast (all 480 calories worth) from the drive-thru Baskin-Robbins tonight after I finished this post and it closes in 93 minutes so I better get crackin' -- I say, whatever gets the old girl movin'!

Well, something was coming -- and yesterday, it came.

Thanks to my newfound community at Twitter.com and the fact that I'm an absolute newbie there (these people are SMART, kids), an article found me: The One Month Launch by Nick Cernis. Basically -- you can do anything in 30 days with a minimum of Perfectionism attached -- so JUST START.

Intriguing... especially on the last day of a month... but it caught fire in this head. I can do anything for 30 days...right?! (Note to self: post re: Overeaters Anonymous-HOW.)

Of course, I wanted to call my friend Diane, who I am always scheming with to somehow get paid to work for ourselves in our respective fields ("Death to Bosses!") to launch SOMETHING to make me some good old hard cash. Especially since the theater gig ended mid-June -- I've been dry. Really dry. Sahara dry.

But finally, 3-1/2 months after my senior recital -- I had enough clarity to know this isn't about launching another business... it's about being creative again. Or disciplined. Or both... yeah, um... both.

"How" was the next dilemma: which of all my crazy jack-of-all-trades creative outlets should I turn to? Fortunately... only one has been sticking in my head (and that's because there's no money/camera for video, no musical collaborators who probably can stand me right now, and too much drama in my life to isolate that into a play...):

WRITE IN YOUR DAMN BLOG.

Ha! Okay. There it is. Doesn't cost me a dime and I don't have a pencil sharpener to fuss w/ pencils and doodle around with... but it'll get me going. To what, I have no idea, but at least I'm frickin' MOVING! (Which reminds me, I have GOT to get some new walking/running shoes. Mine suck.)

What's the launch? MADLEY THE WRITER.

(Hm. I think I like that. :)

A few guidelines/rules for myself though so it counts (because I sure know how to cheat on myself... bad girl!)

Rule #1. At least ONE POST PER DAY, August 1-30, that's actually dated the day it gets posted -- in other words, not futzing with the post options to postdate or pre-date something. ONE PER 24 HOURS. And better one good, thought-out post than a zillion random thoughts... I'll save those for Tweets...

Rule #2. Posts have to be ORIGINAL CONTENT BY ME, not just a YouTube vid I like, or a list of links of people whose blog I read that day or a lyric that makes me long for The Boy/Pup (no, you don't get a link to him yet, I barely know ye!)... ack, I'm getting distracted again already. Something with THOUGHT, Missy, or it doesn't count.

Rule #3. I am not to worry about selling shit, or who's reading this or what the hell it's for (unless it comes up in a full post I can be proud of). Because then I'm not in mining mode, I'm in distribution Hell... which has always stopped me before. JUST BE DISCIPLINED AND WRITE, DAGNABBIT!

Rule #4. I have to CONGRATULATE MYSELF EACH DAY AS A SUCCESS... and not just wait for the end of the month. Can I be here NOW, please?

===

With that done, I do have to list some folks that have already opened my eyeballs to writing and to life that I've discovered through Twitter. (Did I mention how much I love Twitter?! Oh yeah, I did.) They probably don't even know I read them, and they're all folks I've never met BTW (as I have great writer friends I know in the flesh too) but that's cool, it kinda doesn't matter. The Good Karma bucket goes around anyway :)

I'll start with three for now (otherwise I'm bound to break Rule #2):

Men With Pens - Web Business Tips for Writers, Freelancers and Online Entrepreneurs. Twitter with James Chartrand, and boy, you are CONNECTED!

Rock Your Day - Stay Focused, Work Smarter, and Stop Out Stress, Baby! I love what Dave Navarro (not that one) writes about working in Emergency mode ON PURPOSE.

The Producer's Perspective - A Theatre Producer in NYC gives his opinion on everything Broadway and beyond. My heart lies here folks (musical theater) -- and unfortunately I just missed meeting Broadway and Off-Broadway Ken Davenport when he Twittered he was here at a Hollywood Starbucks. Someday! For now, I get my NYC fix here every day.

===

Let's see... did I do it? Did I launch? Yup, I did. It's 9:11, I have to time to link and proof and that Turtle Blast is a waitin'! (Boy this reward-consequence way thing can get fattening...)

What did you launch today?

Something's Coming

I don't know how to explain it, but something's happening, something's changing... already changed... Talked to today about work, skills, talents, money... purpose... future, fantasy, reality, men, boys, friends, jail and God...

Oh my. I need a steak.



Will it be? Yes, it will.
Maybe just by holding still,
It'll be there!
Come on, something, come on in, don't be shy,
Meet a guy,
Pull up a chair!
The air is humming,
And something great is coming!

A Timely Article

I don't usually post an article verbatim, but hey, when it speaks to ya... (And YES, that's a barong on a white guy and a brown bride... DON'T ASK.)

===


Change Your Luck In Love
A simple answer can shift your path

Source: California Psychics

If you've ever been in love with someone unavailable (or a string of someones) - like that guy who works 80 hours a week, that gal who's traveling all the time, that oh-so-mysterious "bad boy" with a drinking problem (oh yeah, and six girlfriends), or someone who's already married, then chances are you've sung the "all the good ones are taken" blues...

But if it's true that, "every relationship you have is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself" then perhaps it's really you who is the unavailable one. Gulp. Don't believe it? Crazy, you say? Why would you possibly want someone you can't have?

Ponder this...
By falling for partners that are just out of reach, you get to have the idea of being in a relationship and some of the benefits, without the potentially painful risks a full relationship requires. If you can't actually make a whole life with them, you can't ever lose that life, either - get it? But by having at least a partial relationship, you get to stave off the loneliness you might otherwise feel from having no relationship at all.

Part timers
Yet by seeing them sometimes, by getting some of their attention, you get this and many other side benefits - one of the biggest being the "you never know" factor (and sex!). You never know when you'll hear from them, you never know when you'll get to be with them, and you never know when you'll draw their attention next. This is part of what makes it such a thrill and feeling of accomplishment - heck, even victory - when you do. Sadly, this is much more exciting and rewarding to many people than the sweet security of a partner who is always there, always available, and offering their love on a regular, reliable basis.

Just an opinion?
Consider this: scientists have found in brain studies that it's more compelling to get something you want some of the time, than it is to get what you want all of the time. This is what's so thrilling and even addictive about gambling for many people - with every hand of cards or roll of the dice, there's a release of chemicals in the brain that creates a rush of excitement. You could win, or you could lose and it's that unpredictable potential of possibilities, again the pull of the "you never know" factor, that keeps gamblers coming back for more.

So perhaps the allure of the "just out of reach" lover is just that - they're out of reach. So, if you're hooked on someone you can't have, ask yourself: If you could have them, would you still want them? Do you really want them, or do you want the feeling of winning that comes with getting them? Because with over six billion people on the planet right now, we promise you, all the good ones are not taken. They just may not interest you. But waking up and admitting this to yourself is the first critical step in healing your real relationship - the one you have with yourself - so that you can move forward toward having the life, and the love life, you truly desire.

Carol Allen is the host of Enlightening Relationships on California Psychic's Karma Sol Radio, and author of the eBook, Love Is in the Stars which can be found at a website of the same name.

Revelation

I can't take crass talk anymore!
Not in emails, IMs, on the phone, in person... nowhere.

I don't know when that happened... but it finally hit me over the head yesterday:

It's ugly, it's gross, it's rude, classless and it's impolite.

It is NOT sexy or "hawt"-- it's not romantic and it DOESN'T turn me on, baby.

Mind you, I'm not talking about regular swearing. I can swear up a blue streak and have had a mouth like a sailor since high school.

And I'm not a prude either (and I'll leave that one right there).

But you know what? I don't know you. And some things are left for private moments for special people and not to be flung around lightly.

I don't know why I didn't get that until this late in my life... but that moment's here.

It makes me feel sleazy and whore-y -- and I won't stand for that anymore, it's not funny.

So cut it out.

===

Edited to add (after loving feedback from wonderful friends):

Now the real work is not judging myself for all of this.

It's like the veil has been lifted... and I see now how horribly I've thought of myself and let myself be treated all these years!

If I had a daughter I'd never stand for how I let myself be spoken to... who let me feel this way about myself, and let me believe that this self-talk and self-image was OKAY?

Well, the point is it's not anymore.

"Because of You" I Feel No Shame...

I don't know how I ran into these guys on YouTube... two Pilipinos now living, loving and making music in Australia. I've never heard this Keith Martin song -- I love it and Sigrid and Lee's sound. I'm hooked.



I've watched this a zillion times already... and I think I like it because I'm watching two Filipino faces -- warm, kind, happy, NORMAL -- happy and singing, especially Sigrid. She kinda reminds me of me... but sweeter (and I enjoy her!)...

That's all I got today.

Because of You

If ever you wondered if you touched my soul, yes you do.
Since I met you I'm not the same.
You bring life to everything I do.
Just the way you say hello.
With one touch I can't let go.
Never thought I'd fall in love with you.

Because of you my life has changed.
Thank you for the love and the joy you bring.
Because of you I feel no shame.
I'll tell the world it's because of you.

Sometimes I get lonely and all I gotta do is think of you.
You captured something inside of me.
You make all my dreams come true.
It's not enough that you love me for me.
You reached inside and touched me internally.
I love you best explains what I feel for you.

Because of you my life has changed.
Thank you for the love and the joy you bring.
Because of you I feel no shame.
I'll tell the world it's because of you. (2x)

The magic in your eyes, true love I can't deny.
When you hold me I just lose control.
I want you to know that I'm never letting go.
You mean so much to me, I want the world to see
It's because of you.

Because of you my life has changed.
Thank you for the love and the joy you bring.
Because of you I feel no shame.
I'll tell the world it's because of you.
You.

The Best Thing About Me

Been a long time since I've taken a quiz... HAAHAHAHAH the answer is not surprising considering my Purpose is found on LEFT JUPITER (Live your Passions). And of course, gotta work that Lesson to have that Purpose.

And fortunately, I'm not a heroin addict.

In any case -- take this test! Leave me your result... I'd love to hear what you the best thing about YOU is :)

Your result for The Best Thing About You Test...

Passion

Hot! Passion is your greatest virtue

Passion is an intense emotion that compels feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for anything, and that often requires action. Get that? Requires action. It's very likely you submit to your deepest needs and live life with a flair few others achieve, but many envy. All 7 virtues are a part of you, but your passion runs deepest.

Passionate types: artists, writers, composers, athletes, and heroine addicts.

Your raw relative scores follow. 0% is low, and 100% is perfect, nearly impossible. Note that I pitted the virtues against each other, so in some way these are relative scores. It's impossible to score high on all of them, and a low score on one is just relatively low compared to the other virtues.

YOUR VIRTUES

40% Compassion

33% Intelligence

25% Humility

44% Honesty

0% Discipline

29% Courage

75% Passion

Take The Best Thing About You Test at HelloQuizzy

Travis and Jaja

Congrats! Now get ready for "Salo-Salo" the DVD...

"More Than You Know"

Ah, the late, late, lonely nights...

Loved this moment in The Fabulous Baker Boys -- great story, characters and especially soundtrack (Dave Grusin KICKS SOME SERIOUS BUTT.)




More than you know
More than you know
Man of my heart, I love you so
Lately I find you're on my mind
More than you know

Whether you're right
Whether you're wrong
Man of my heart, I'll string along
I need you so
More than you'll ever know

And yeah... it's more than he'll ever know. (see previous post)

Deanna and Jesse sittin' in a tree...

So The Bachelorette, Deanna, picked the Wild Card (and Wild Man) in an "upset" to everyone but us die-hard romantics, Jesse.

This shit never ceases to make me weep.

The "other" guy, Jason, the one who didn't get picked but was just as in love with Deanna -- was at the "After The Final Rose" show too. He was given the opportunity to ask and say anything to her... and it was heartbreaking to see HURT written all over someone's face like that...

But he had dignity, self-respect, calm... and a generous heart. After all his questions to her were done... his final statement was: "Watching the show again backstage... You never looked at me the way you looked at Jesse."

Which brings me to YENTL, once again:



Look at how he looks at her
Will someone ever I look at me that way?
Full of all the feelings and the soft
Unspoken words that lovers say?

I thought that I knew ev'ry single
Look and sweet expression on his face,
Yet this is one that I don't recognize,
Although I've sat and studied him for hours.
But now I see how love completely occupies
A pair of' eyes...

See the way they gaze at her,
Like slaves they follow every where she goes.
Do my eyes forget themselves
And do I ever look at him
And smile in such a way
That what I'm feeling shows?
Sometimes I have the feeling
Everybody knows...

And even though it's crazy,
Still I can't help wondering
If I'll ever live to see the day
When by some miracle of miracles,
He'll turn around
And look at me that way.

===

I want to be in love. Like that -- no less.

THERE! I SAID IT!

Surprised? Yeah, me too. Don't you know I'm emotionally stuck at age 16?!?!?! Yup.

Last week I was given a heartfelt, loving "talkin' to" about what I do when it comes to relationships -- and mind you, this girlfriend has known me for over 20 years.

"You want to be married," she says. "I love you and I know you -- you want to be with one person, as much as you think you don't and fight it. You do. Trust me."

(Ick, my eyes are watering just remembering this conversation.)

"You pick completely unavailable men. Look at the ones you're 'with' right now: not one is completely available to you or appropriate for you at all."

Yes, I still bristle at the word "appropriate" too -- after all, who's to say who's "appropriate" really... no one truly knows except the two people that are in the relationship, right?!

Apparently one of those guys, the one I've really fallen for (I know, all you friends of mine are saying "you mean fallen for THIS TIME, Madley") -- is a completely "ridiculous" choice, and I'm pretty stupid -- yes, stupid -- to even be toying with the idea that he could ever fall in love with me.

S-T-U-P-I-D. And R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S.

Wow. Harsh and to the point.

But you know what? I've never had my heart opened up so wide before in my life until this man... so I'm going to going to keep that emotional armor away for just a little bit longer and be wistful and longing and dream of love... and cry with more songs from Babs...

... because I like the way he makes me feel... about me, about my life, about my past, about the future...

... and I like remembering again that I even HAVE a real heart that still wants to be loved.

I'll think more about "appropriateness" another day... thank you, Scarlett O'Hara.

Edited to add Deanna and Jesse's website. Thanks M.B.!

Chicken!

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

-- T. S. Eliot

Catherine and her Ice Cream Cone

Her Mom and Dad, Aunt and Uncle, cousins, sister and friend all came up to see "Wicked" but two-year-old Catherine was too young to go. So we watched an outdoor wedding at the Marriott and "toured" at Bonaventure Hotel and its 32-story outdoor elevators in her stroller for hours (whew!).

Eventually we did get a special treat -- ah, the simple pleasures!

Where the Hell is Matt?

Leave it to Prince Gomolvilas of Bamboo Nation to find ANOTHER wonderful video to make me cry. (Albeit, that's not a difficult feat.) Thanks, Prince!

Enjoy... I know you'll love it.


Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Leaving Newark

Mom, Dad and that Adobong Manak guy.

"The Prince of Tides"

Know that I will always love you. And thank you forever.





Remember me,
"Lowenstein"

"Adobo Nation" guest, Travis Kraft

In Redwood City tonight with Travis as he did "Adobo Nation," the new magazine show on The Filipino Channel. I was certainly more nervous about it all than he was -- what a pro!

He was interviewed by the lovely Jaja Bolivar -- about the American Adobo video that's had over 200,000 YouTube hits, and about Poolboy Films' new DVD, Salo-Salo. And what a coincidence: Jaja and he had done an interview together just a few months prior!



Congrats on a great job, Travis (but you knew that already)! This episode of ADOBO NATION airs on TFC this Sunday, June 29, 2008 @ 6:40 pm PT -- be there and meet the "Adobo King" LMAO

As for me... it's back into the writing trenches... (the craziness lately has been overwhelming...)

I Have Nothing

[I'm officially hooked on YouTube.]

I forgot how much I love this song --



I HAVE NOTHING

Share my life,
Take me for what I am,
'Cause I'll never change,
All my colours for you.

Take my love,
I'll never ask for too much,
Just all that you are,
And everything that you do.

I don't really need to look
Very much further,
I don't wanna have to go,
Where you don't follow.
I will hold it back again,
This passion inside,
Can't run from myself,
There's nowhere to hide.

Chorus:
Don't make me close one more door,
I don't wanna hurt anymore,
Stay in my arms if you dare,
Or must I imagine you there,
Don't walk away from me,
I have nothing, nothing, nothing,

You see through
Right to the heart of me,
You break down my walls,
With the strength of your love.

I never knew,
Love like I've known it with you,
Will a memory survive,
One I can hold on to?

I don't really need to look
Very much further,
I don't wanna have to go
Where you don't follow,
I will hold it back again,
This passion inside,
Can't run from myself,
There's nowhere to hide.
Your love I'll remember forever.

Chorus:
Don't make me close one more door,
I don't wanna hurt anymore,
Stay in my arms if you dare,
Or must I imagine you there,
Don't walk away from me,
I have nothing, nothing, nothing...

Don't make me close one more door,
I don't wanna hurt anymore,
Stay in my arms if you dare,
Or must I imagine you there,
Don't walk away from me,
Don't walk away from me,
Don't you dare... walk away from me.
I have nothing, nothing, nothing...
If I don't have you, you...
If I don't have you, oh you.

Breaking a Story

Happy to report that I've actually got a new story to work on -- a two-act play with three characters (not a musical!) that seems to be writing itself right now...

Feels good to work on something creative for myself lately... thank you, God (and Nancy) for giving me Shakespeare In Love to inspire me. Haven't seen that film for ten years... and now... well, it so pertinent!

Write what's happening NOW. (I'm sure it's no Romeo and Juliet, but it'll have to do.)

Wish me luck.

"A South Pacific Pearl"

One of my favorite of DWTS Season 6 Champion Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas -- their Rhumba... can't say much more than I love everything about it.

This Nearly Was Mine

I am so overwhelmed and filled with emotion these past few... months... and even more so recently... that I can't even talk about it... much less come up with my own "original material" about it. So I'll beg the masters, Rodgers and Hammerstein, and the incredible Brian Stokes Mitchell do it instead. (This was an incredible performance -- a standing ovation after this song in the MIDDLE of the show.)

("It's dying. Pluto square Venus... dying. So, so sad.")



This Nearly Was Mine (from "South Pacific")

One dream in my heart,
One love to be livin' for,
One love to be livin' for
This nearly was mine.

One man for my dream,
One partner in paradise,
This promise of paradise
This nearly was mine.

Close to my heart she came
Only to fly away,
Only to fly as day flies from moonlight.

Now, now I'm alone,
Still dreamin' of paradise,
Still sayin' that paradise
Once nearly was mine.

So clear and deep are my fancies
Of things I wish were true
I keep remember evenings
I wish I spent with you.
I'll keep rememberin' kisses
From lips I've never owned,
And all that lovely adventures
That we have never known.

One dream in my heart,
One love to be livin' for,
One love to be livin' for
This nearly was mine.

The way to write a song -- ON THE FLY!

I wish I could write like this -- instantly and in front of people!



David Bowie is and always be FANTASTIC, and Extras is funny show -- thank you to Susan Isaacs at Gray Matter for sharing it. AND congrats on finishing the book, Susan -- I'm thrilled for you! :)

St. Anthony, a MIRACLE please!

Three different invocations:

St. Anthony, St. Anthony
Please come down
Something is lost
And can't be found

Dear St. Anthony, I pray
Bring it back, without delay.

Something's lost and can't be found
Please, St. Anthony, look around.

Saint Anthony of Padua (Italy), lived from 1195-1231. Born in Portugal, he was a Franciscan monk and lived in Morocco before settling in Padua. He was known as an eloquent speaker. Prayer cards manufactured in Italy identify him as the saint of "miracles," but to most Catholics, he is the Patron Saint associated with the return of lost articles and missing persons.

Please, Sir, bring me back those missing DVDs!

UPDATE: Eureka, St. Anthony found them! Of course they were in a "special pocket" of my bag because I knew how "special" they were -- but I forgot about exactly WHERE that special pocket/place was... until about 30 minutes ago... thank you, St. Anthony!!!