Tuesday, August 05, 2008


This afternoon I was bemoaning the fact to my friend Lana that I have to make a trip up north and I DON'T GET TO SEE BRAD... which is the whole reason I planned to make this trip in the first place. A week and a half ago I needed to see him -- I was desperate to see him.

Now it happens I have a lot of errands to do up there, and I missed spending any quality time with my parents and family during my last visit. And yes, a couple of fantastic networking possibles are in the works there too... but listen, I WAS GOING THERE TO SEE BRAD. And I think he wanted to see me too.


But I'm stalling. Stalled. And I'm hard-pressed to get into my car and drive the 347 miles (and I even missed my niece's birthday dinner tonight too -- Happy Belated again, S!) -- a trip I hate when I'm alone because I get sleepy every 45 minutes and have to take a nap. Maybe I'll just buy some more Streisand tapes to sing to this time... Yentl, A Star is Born...

In any case, out of my mouth popped:

"I can't believe how pussy-whipped he is."

"Oh, yuck, Madley! I hate that word."

"Fucking guys. They fall for the One Girl and that's it, they can't see straight. It's HER pussy and no one else's!"

"I've always hated that word. It's so crass."

"What -- pussy?"

"Yeah. Gross."

"I know -- in our day it used to be one of the foulest words you could use to describe... I don't think you could even hear it anywhere except in pornos. But everyone uses it now."



"I gotta get out more."

"It's no big, Lana, it just means a guy is a wimp -- a big chicken-shit."

"Yuck. I still don't like to hear it."

"It's said so often it doesn't even mean anything anymore. Like 'bitch.' Everyone says it all the time -- it's not nice and I wouldn't say it front of my parents, but it's common. Pussy, pussy, pussy--"


"See? Doesn't mean anything! Actually, it kinda makes me laugh--"

"Huh? Because?"

"Well... you know, my friend Travis here in L.A. was coming out of the gym and was crossing the street when suddenly some guy in a car cuts him off and almost runs him down, then screams out the window, "IDIOT!" like it was his fault for walking. Last I heard pedestrians get the right of way here in California, right?

"In any case, Travis sees that this guy is pulling into the Ralph's parking lot... which is where he is headed himself.

"So of course, he's pissed off -- and probably way puffed up -- and goes up to this unsuspecting guy: 'Hey -- did you just call me an idiot?"

"The guy puffed back. 'Yeah.'

"Well, your Mr. Tough Guy when you're in a car like that -- that was really rude back there. Do you want to call me an idiot to my face?'

"Don't forget now, Travis is over six feet tall and JUST GOT OUT OF THE GYM and apparently Car-Guy was just 'normal-size.'

"Car-Guy manages to sputter out, 'No, no, man,' as he tries to back away. 'I don't want no trouble.'

"But Travis was having none of it. 'You owe me an apology.'

"'I'm sorry,' says Car-Guy. 'Sorry.'

"'Good,' says Travis. 'Now say you're a pussy.'

"'What?!' says Car-Guy.

"What?!" says my shocked friend, Lana.

I tell her I'm completely flabbergasted when Travis says he said that, so he explained: "He WAS a pussy, so I made him say it. I said, Say it. Say you're a pussy. And he said it -- he said, 'I'm a pussy.'"

"Oh my god, Travis, I can't believe you made him say that."

"Hell, yeah! And then he started to walk away and I said, "Hey -- you got vaginal secretions dripping out of you!"

"No way, you did not say that!"

"Yeah, I did. Maybe I went too far to make him humiliate himself like that--"

"You think?!"

"... but he's lucky I didn't punch him out right there. That was rude of him. HE REALLY WAS A BIG PUSSY."

"Bleech," Lana says after that closing remark. "I'll never get used to it."

I tell her the word is just the punchline of a joke to me now, and new word for a coward/baby/loser. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore -- um, except when it's used with the word "whipped."

It makes me jealous.

And I'll admit it -- crass is as crass does: someday I hope someone will be that whipped for me.

Edited 8/6/08, 3:09 pm: Changed the pseudonym of "Robert" to the real Travis, who wanted credit for his humorous handiwork. And also to correct "vaginal fluids" to "vaginal secretions." When in doubt go to the source. :)