Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Little Chinese Babies

On the eve of the Chinese Women's Gymnastics team winning the gold medal, I have to admit something that's been bothering me for last few months:

I've been surrounded by men who are "into" Asian girls.

Now that wouldn't seem like a problem considering I am an Asian gal myself... but I never considered myself thought of myself (1) as attractive or (2) desirable so NATURALLY, I would never think the race that my face and skin are akin to as either of those things.


Ideal to me was dark-haired and European -- like Olivia Hussey ("Juliet") or Finola Hughes or Isabella Rossellini.

Not me, not "my" people. We're weird. "Exotic" Less-than. Whore-y. Wrong.

Loaded with stereotypes, none of them admirable -- oh, except maybe "hospitable." (Yeah. LOVE that one. And "No," I'd hiss back: "I've never lived in Subic Bay!")

Less you think it doesn't smart to admit that right now -- it stings like a sunofabitch. But for once, being around these men who have a simple, honest preference for Asian women of different colors, looks, nationalities... I've now come to a kind of curiosity of little Asian faces, little girls' faces like my own -- like I'm an alien seeing them for the first time.

I'm fascinated... and I mourn. The time I've lost in self-hatred and non-acceptance is time I'll never get back!

Oh, one would think I would hate these guys who are only proud to announce their desire for my specific kind -- but I know now it's only a preference, like we all have preferences about everything else in life. No malice in it. And I get to realize, by TRANSITIVE PROPERTY -- that I am desirable too.

The teachers have come -- I guess it's taken this long for this student to be ready. I look into the mirror today and finally do not turn away.