Monday, October 02, 2006

Dream of Tillman

I'm so bummed -- I missed the bank. I knew lack of sleep last night, added to exercising with Andrew means I would take an afternoon nap, but I didn't think I'd go for two hours. Ugh.

But what was weird was that I was having one of those "Pay attention, this is a LESSON dream" dreams... and I have to write it down now before I forget the dream AND the lesson.


I don't when this was, but I was still living in this apartment, and yessirreebob, it still was a wreck. And Yvette and Tyler were still alive! I don't know where they came from but they were really sweet and I was ecstatic to have them back... until ANOTHER sheltie and ANOTHER pug came out of the woodwork somewher and I had FOUR dogs in this teeny, tiny place. I was really upset because I couldn't love them all equally until I could figure out which were MY REAL DOGS. I walked them and looked for clues, but it was so subtle... I hated it.

So I'm in the house feeding this melange of animals, and all of a sudden I hear a knock at the locked but open security door. "It's me, Tillman -- can we come in?"

"No, damnit! I told you, no one comes into this mess ever, it's fucking embarrassing... DON'T."

But it was too late, and there was Tillman F. from freshman year at college walking in. Damn I wish I could remember his last name so I can google him... I just sent an email to my college roommate Betty, hopefully she'll remember :) Tall, (over 6') handsome, and very British -- I have one picture of him somewhere at a Halloween party at a dorm party where you're supposed to dress like your roommate... we're holding drinks and I'm sure we're both smashed... I can't remember the night as much as I remember that picture... I wonder where the hell that is... I also remember I saw Rocky Horror for the firs time that year on campus and he was dressed as the Tim Curry character in fishnets, etc... and I seriously didn't know what going on. That was quite a phenonemon for a kid from a middle class, mixed neighborhood.

Anyhoo, Tillman walked in, didn't care aobut the house and came up and hugged and kissed me quite warmly. Funny, I knew it was Tillman, but he sounded and acted like Hugh Jackman, with a kick-ass Aussie accent. That's okay... not so bad! Hugh Jackman as Rocky Horror... oh, I digress.

In followed his mother, his father, his sister, her boyfriend, a crazy brother and a girlfriend, all casually dressed because they were in traveling mode.

Wait. I thought I was the girlfriend. But no, she was a hometown girl in Australian -- and the feeling of around was pretty sad... and anticipatory, as they were all anxious to get in their shuttle van and catch the flight home.

We all went outside into the driveway and people kept themselves busy... someone took a tour of a cemetary, somebody was playing frisbee with the four dogs, and The Girlfriend let us have time together. That was weird. It felt like he was my boyfriend... everyone knew it, and didn't care, including The Girlfriend. But I guess she knew Tillman had decided to go home to his life with her and it was killing me. Fortunately, she wasn't one to gloat, and he was in his last throes of saying goodbye.

We finally gathered into the van... on the way to the beautiful International airport that always shows up in my dreams (it's NOT LAX for sure) and got out wandered around. More waiting, more hugging from him and sad, sad kisses. But I couldn't get him to stay, as much as he loved me... he needed to go home. It was like I was the affair or Other Woman, everyone knew it but were okay because they liked me and knew the inevitable outcome. So most were tippy-toeing around us.

It felt really good to be wanted like that, even though it was another airport scene (i.e. Parrish!) and I was devastated. Finally he snuck me into an elevator so we could be alone -- sorta. Some Filipino (younger) lady got in there too, just staring away and I remember the irony of that -- but he didn't care. More hugging and kissing and tears... and acceptance... so, so strange. I'm half-awake watching this dream and thinking Why the hell am I dreaming about TILLMAN?

Then we have to go back to the gate area. I begged him... please, please stay with me. I'll be anything you want... just stay. I can't bear missing you, I won't survive.

Finally, he said it. "I love you, you know that, and I always will. And I don't want you to change, I want you to be who you are. But I'm going to go home and be with her. She's different and I need that -- she's a grown-up."



But before I could react to him... he said, "All is not lost though. I have somebody I want you to meet and I think you two might get along."

It was Tillman's twin... only now he really looked like Hugh Jackman (or maybe I'm more awake and I'm crossing my fingers and toes). And he was dressed very -- grown-up -- not in a suit or tux, but in adult clothes. So much so that I knew HE could be an adult and I could be -- well, adult too, but not force myself to be "the structured one."

Oh my goodness.

I smiled a big smile as we shook hands... and I knew I was in a good, hopeful place. And in real, waking life, I knew I had to GROW UP if I was going to ATTRACT that too...

Ah, that was the lesson. Now, on to find that picture of Tillman...