December, Christmas Eve

When I was a little very little (2? 3?) my godmother, Tita Sol, told me I used to stand in front of the TV pretending to conduct music, right there along with Mitch Miller. She loved that... she even taught me my first song, "More" -- that standard by Frank Sinatra! No nursery rhymes for me, in any language, I had to have the "real stuff"... Little did I know I would be so involved in music growing up (high school), and so crappy as a conductor in college (the first time around), and then be back to it again later in life. I obviously lost the cojones I had when I was this little girl's age. Oh, where is she now?! (Me, not her.)

I just found out my other godfather, Tito Tony, died last Thursday, so I'm going to San Diego and meeting my family to attend all the... everythings. So, so sad... he will be missed. Christmas this year is already bittersweet.

Best lookin' alphabet ever

(c) http://www.atento.ru/pornoname/

Thanks, Miss Allie!

"You're off the hook!"

Hello all,

I’ve met with my advisor and we’ve decided that there is a great deal that is promising in the music I've presented.

The program is an ambitious one and will need, in his professional opinion, a period of time for work and refinement.

We haven’t given that period of time an end date yet because he would like me to concentrate more on my creative process than on a calendar.

Any plans for this November are off and we will see how my creative process goes.

I am very happy with this outcome right now and know that I am on the right path with this music.

Thanks everybody for your continued support.

Madley (née Sheila)

Raindrops

It was 82 degrees outside today, the first day of Daylights Savings Time... I've got a lot of nerve talking about rain.

(Yes, God, I'm grateful for where I live :)

Raindrops on roses...

I used to think rain was God having himself a good cry, for whatever reason God would need to have a good cry. It happens so rarely in my life that I would be happy for those rains... and it had to be for good because the next day, especially obvious in L.A., the sky would be beautiful. Clean, clear, crisp, fresh. Days like that are even more rare than the rain days, and I feel really "connected" to all that is greater than me.

Tonight I had a good, good, earth-shattering cry. Release and a cleansing... a knowing. And tomorrow... a clean sky.

My Own Private Nagano

I finally got my jury date today for my November 28 recital, after weeks of asking for it... I knew it was coming. Today confirmed -- Halloween at 3:30 in Prof Myers office.

My nerves are shot. I can't calm myself down.

So I call for down-to-earth support... and got exactly what I needed.

"Remember Ilia at Nagano. Mental discipline. Ten days of focussing on being focussed, to push the fear out, to get rid of the nerves. Be a machine. You can do it. Focus on being focussed."

So I have my notebook. I'm focussed, because the only other choice is fear, and complete breakdown. I put this picture of him the second he finished his winning long program right at my desk/piano. Thanks, Nancy -- thanks, Kulik.

Seisouso

Just because...



I saw this program being created in the summer of 1998 almost daily through the viewfinder of Ilia's video recorder. He didn't have a coach at that time and wanted to review his practices... how lucky was I?

Yes, THAT lucky.

Oh, and here's one nice piece from 1998:


Enjoy!

El Rey

Okay, that's not really his entire last name, but it's part of it! LOL

===

Oh jeez, I'm SO FRIED and yes, Andrew, I almost COMPLETELY forgot to eat today because it was my first day back of class at the Academy. We were supposed to have met with our groups (check :) and as a composer I was supposed to have four sketches based on Oscar Wilde's "Lady Windermere's Fan" (um... no check).

I was so stressed out that I was only bringing in one of the four -- frickin' perfectionist that I am, had one done that was -- how do you say, DA BOMB -- but nada on the others. But because of my "honest outburst" at the beginning of class (I said if I were on Top Chef, I would've gotten me and my collaborators eliminated :( and my polite asking at break, we got a reprieve until tomorrow night. WHEW!

Pero ahorita mi cerebro esta CANSADO.

I'm fried... learned that from my new friend at Harry's (Diner). Handsome food server de Mexico who's fun to flirt with when I need some kind and gentle, yet male energy. :) Yo puedo practicar mi español y he gets to serve me food! :) He works two other jobs, one being mortgage loan stuff (yeah, I have stuff to learn there!) -- can I just say that AMBITION is nice on this soccer dad -- and he gave me his card. :)

A sight for aching eyes, and getting Oscar Wilde out of my head tonight... ¡hasta mañana!

Dream of Tillman

I'm so bummed -- I missed the bank. I knew lack of sleep last night, added to exercising with Andrew means I would take an afternoon nap, but I didn't think I'd go for two hours. Ugh.

But what was weird was that I was having one of those "Pay attention, this is a LESSON dream" dreams... and I have to write it down now before I forget the dream AND the lesson.

===

I don't when this was, but I was still living in this apartment, and yessirreebob, it still was a wreck. And Yvette and Tyler were still alive! I don't know where they came from but they were really sweet and I was ecstatic to have them back... until ANOTHER sheltie and ANOTHER pug came out of the woodwork somewher and I had FOUR dogs in this teeny, tiny place. I was really upset because I couldn't love them all equally until I could figure out which were MY REAL DOGS. I walked them and looked for clues, but it was so subtle... I hated it.

So I'm in the house feeding this melange of animals, and all of a sudden I hear a knock at the locked but open security door. "It's me, Tillman -- can we come in?"

"No, damnit! I told you, no one comes into this mess ever, it's fucking embarrassing... DON'T."

But it was too late, and there was Tillman F. from freshman year at college walking in. Damn I wish I could remember his last name so I can google him... I just sent an email to my college roommate Betty, hopefully she'll remember :) Tall, (over 6') handsome, and very British -- I have one picture of him somewhere at a Halloween party at a dorm party where you're supposed to dress like your roommate... we're holding drinks and I'm sure we're both smashed... I can't remember the night as much as I remember that picture... I wonder where the hell that is... I also remember I saw Rocky Horror for the firs time that year on campus and he was dressed as the Tim Curry character in fishnets, etc... and I seriously didn't know what going on. That was quite a phenonemon for a kid from a middle class, mixed neighborhood.

Anyhoo, Tillman walked in, didn't care aobut the house and came up and hugged and kissed me quite warmly. Funny, I knew it was Tillman, but he sounded and acted like Hugh Jackman, with a kick-ass Aussie accent. That's okay... not so bad! Hugh Jackman as Rocky Horror... oh, I digress.

In followed his mother, his father, his sister, her boyfriend, a crazy brother and a girlfriend, all casually dressed because they were in traveling mode.

Wait. I thought I was the girlfriend. But no, she was a hometown girl in Australian -- and the feeling of around was pretty sad... and anticipatory, as they were all anxious to get in their shuttle van and catch the flight home.

We all went outside into the driveway and people kept themselves busy... someone took a tour of a cemetary, somebody was playing frisbee with the four dogs, and The Girlfriend let us have time together. That was weird. It felt like he was my boyfriend... everyone knew it, and didn't care, including The Girlfriend. But I guess she knew Tillman had decided to go home to his life with her and it was killing me. Fortunately, she wasn't one to gloat, and he was in his last throes of saying goodbye.

We finally gathered into the van... on the way to the beautiful International airport that always shows up in my dreams (it's NOT LAX for sure) and got out wandered around. More waiting, more hugging from him and sad, sad kisses. But I couldn't get him to stay, as much as he loved me... he needed to go home. It was like I was the affair or Other Woman, everyone knew it but were okay because they liked me and knew the inevitable outcome. So most were tippy-toeing around us.

It felt really good to be wanted like that, even though it was another airport scene (i.e. Parrish!) and I was devastated. Finally he snuck me into an elevator so we could be alone -- sorta. Some Filipino (younger) lady got in there too, just staring away and I remember the irony of that -- but he didn't care. More hugging and kissing and tears... and acceptance... so, so strange. I'm half-awake watching this dream and thinking Why the hell am I dreaming about TILLMAN?

Then we have to go back to the gate area. I begged him... please, please stay with me. I'll be anything you want... just stay. I can't bear missing you, I won't survive.

Finally, he said it. "I love you, you know that, and I always will. And I don't want you to change, I want you to be who you are. But I'm going to go home and be with her. She's different and I need that -- she's a grown-up."

GULP.

DOUBLE GULP.

But before I could react to him... he said, "All is not lost though. I have somebody I want you to meet and I think you two might get along."

It was Tillman's twin... only now he really looked like Hugh Jackman (or maybe I'm more awake and I'm crossing my fingers and toes). And he was dressed very -- grown-up -- not in a suit or tux, but in adult clothes. So much so that I knew HE could be an adult and I could be -- well, adult too, but not force myself to be "the structured one."

Oh my goodness.

I smiled a big smile as we shook hands... and I knew I was in a good, hopeful place. And in real, waking life, I knew I had to GROW UP if I was going to ATTRACT that too...

Ah, that was the lesson. Now, on to find that picture of Tillman...

The TABA of the Crabs

Youtube.com is a miracle! I will never be sad again after watching this. HA!

Two Months from Yesterday

SAVE THE DATE: My Final Recital

... and the beginning of a new chapter! :)

Dearest family and dear, dear friends,

It's all systems "GO" for the Sheila S./Madley K. Senior Composition Recital to receive my B.A. in Music.

Please save the date:

Tuesday, November 28, 2006
7:30 pm
Occidental College's Herrick Chapel
Los Angeles (Eagle Rock)

(Anyone know of a local grad student or semi-professional who might be willing to conduct an award-winning 7-9 minute chamber orchestra piece, please point them my way asap!)

Invite to follow -- YAHOOEY!
Sheila/Madley

===

Took forever to send that out to my nearest and dearest, BUT IT'S BEEN SENT! YAY!

More importantly, I have a RECITAL DATE, the huge campus chapel and a potential Jury date end of October.

Good old Norm, my therapist, really nailed me on "trying to look good by going to therapy but not doing the work -- especially when you are one of the most CAPABLE people I know."

Wow. For once, I really heard that, from someone strong and firm, objective, who's feelings I wouldn't be afraid of hurting if I had a visceral reaction to that statement (which I did) -- and had no agenda except for my best interests.

I was thrown -- I told him I couldn't agree 100% with that statement and that 85% was more true. "I wouldn't have been where I am now, looking at the hardest time of my life, if I hadn't been in therapy at all."

And yet he was right, I needed to seriously STEP IT UP, because my very firm agreement with him was that I would (1) either finish the recital by December 31, 2006 (a date I choose carefully), or (2) let it go forever and GET ON WITH MY LIFE.

I'm choosing to finish it, and today, two days after booking everything and having my first meeting with my composition prof -- it's REAL and THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL IT'S NOT HAPPENING.

For my jury there are going to be NO SURPRISES. I've been through this before! And getting my B.A. is only a step on the way through to the rest of my life.

WHEW. It feels good to say that.

Next -- catch up with all the events I've been to lately -- most recently (Sept 26) -- The Contender finale at the Staples Center -- GO GRADY!

Diane's Dream

She told me this weekend she had a dream that her daughter called to tell her she and her husband were pregnant -- before her older brother and HIS wife were.

I just told Diane I'd log it here so we could see if that prediction was going to come through... maybe D's psychic! :)

Real quick...

(... because I'm so behind with these posts...)

Born out of necessity (couldn't afford the gym fee) but now it's actual goal: today I started training with Andrew for my first 5K!

Can't believe it... but today wasn't too bad. Remember, I did run 12 miles a week at one time... well, 23 years ago with a trainer who held my hand down to get me not be embarassed and run (it worked!).

It's gonna be in Dec or January... right after I GRADUATE so I have another goal and I don't just fall into depression...

Looking forward to this!

So it finally happened...

After thirty -- count 'em 30! -- years of driving, I ran out of gas for the very first (AND LAST) time. Fortunately it was in my carport... the old girl just didn't want to start up.

So as I'm waiting for AAA to bail me out of this one, why not blog?

===

This week has been a week of healing, I must say. The high point -- or rather the low point, or TURNING point was Monday evening. My dear friend Nancy was in from New York and we planned a day of play -- swimmng at the Omni Hotel pool, getting our hair blown out at a swanky salon, then having the oysters at Sai Sai in the Biltmore Hotel -- my goodness, we've been craving these oysters for a year, but they got a new chef and they changed. Very good though, and we even had the Kobe beef short ribs (thank god for expense accounts ;) with potato gnocchi (all too rich for my taste -- what happened to my palate?!).

But everything that day was covered by my incredible feeling of dread and illness. I'd had a miserable cough for over a week, I wasn't sleeping at night, I hadn't worked out in awhile, I was still peri-menopausing and I was frickin' flat broke -- I WAS DEPRESSED. And I couldn't shake it.

Fortunately, dear Nance was the wise and strong one for me and broke it down to basics: I'm taking care of my emotional life (with my shrink, Norm), I'm doing well mentally, and even have gotten back to regular healthy habits (cleaning, etc.) Everything that's happening to me is ONLY PHYSICAL -- so take care of it. :)

What great words! I know that logically, but somehow the drama queen in me wants to make it very existential -- you know, WHY IS MY SOUL HERE and all that. The answer is: go to the doctor, figure out what's up, take your meds, get yourself straighted out and you're fine.

Got squeezed in to see Dr. Tilem, who I adore because she's so matter of fact and non-judgmental. I got prescriptions for bronchitis (who knew?!) and my anti-depressant. My BP was way too high and she insisted I get that under control so I got my Rx for that too. And on the way out, hey, let's get some lab work done. After the follow-up in three weeks, we'll deal with the damn hot flashes and sleep apnea...

Wow, that felt good to take care of myself -- I think I'll just read my book, The Time Traveler's Wife, here in the shade of the building for awhile -- and get a $36 parking ticket. ACK!

The next day my labs come back really sucky -- I'm anemic and my kidneys are overworked because of my high blood pressure. Now I have to fit in iron three times a day, spaced out from my antibiotic. Geez! This calls for a med chart because I'm never going to remember anything. So I make one from Excel.

Today is the first day I've taken everything, and of course the BP med gives me a headache, so I have to add Extra Strength Tylenol to my regimen today. Bleech. But at least my head doesn't hurt.

Now to get some food... after the gas man with his $7/gallon gas comes, of course.

I'm Shocked!

Did not expect this at all... and almost disappointed! LOL

So much has happened but not ready to write about it... yet. Off to the library I go!

Madley

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Book and Music Lab is over

...and I'm having a hard time tonight coming down from it. We started early tonight at 6pm with other guests from the academy to learn the four different vocal ranges for each of the voices in musical theater (SATBaritone!) -- went over the repetoire and basically kicked some ass until 11pm. I of course didn't leave til 12:22 -- Bonnie and Ross and yakking because -- because we can!

So thrilled to be part of this org -- tomorrow I have to turn my formal application for the Introductory Year... can't wait!...

Now I have to try and relax... shouldn't have had that small chili and potato from Wendy's! LOL

Good night :)

Hollywood Heat and The Devil

It's a funny world I live in now -- right smack in the middle of "higher end" Hollywood, at the bottom of Runyon Canyon. Where lithe, young bodies go to exercise themselves and their dogs, on a street that's alive all hours of the night, and "Notices of Intended Filming" are posted on apartment gates like parking tickets. The 100+ degree weather has finally let up and I don't feel betrothed to the air conditioner.

Good puppy Nero seems to know everyone here, so I'm imagining Alan (especially) and Jeffrey are pretty social on their walks. Even really late (or really early :) there's always someone walking their dog... and I swear no one here looks like they're older than 40.

For the second night they're filming on Camino Palmero. The cast must be there because last night there were only security guards -- tonight I spoke with real LAPD.

After petting Nero and letting us cross the street, I asked one officer what they're doing. "Oh, it's 'Entourage.'" Funny, not even a preceding "the TV Show" or "a show on HBO" -- I guess Entourage is public domain now. :)

We took a different walk, and kept thinking I'd love to see the star, Adrian Grenier (the younger guy on the right), but then I thought, what the heck would I say to him? "I like your work," I suppose, so not to feel too stupid.

But the truth is, I like him because he reminds me of David Frankel (the older guy on the left).

It's funny, I tuned in to watch Entourage because much as I hate to admit it, I LOVE movies/shows about backstage show business shenanigans. Makes me still feel part of, I guess. How funny to find out that David Frankel, my ex-boss from The Ellen Burstyn Show directed the pilot to Entourage... and I bet he had a lot to do with the casting of Mr. Grenier. I have a picture of David at age 27 with the moppiest, curly mullet ever, and he was a dead-ringer for Adrian... and yes, you could say I was obsessed... David was my first "crush" on a "real" person in Hollywood. (Fan stuff -- Scott Baio and the like -- doesn't count!)

I was hired to work for David when we shot the pilot at Warner Bros. He was the Supervising Producer/Writer and I was to be his Assistant/Writer's Assistant. Whatever that meant because I'd never done that before! Previously I was typing a script on this new thing, a computer, with a producer named Norman Steinberg on the weekends on the Paramount lot (Yes! The same lot Scott Baio and Happy Days used tape at and I used to take the bus to see!). Norman's secretary, Juanita, didn't want to work on the weekends, so I got hired to type.

Boy did I learn a lot. At that point, I didn't know how to be an "assistant" to anybody, I was basically a production secretary on a magazine show before that and never had to "place calls" or "leave word" or "do a schedule." Juanita, the pro, taught me all of that. And when they shot they pilot, Norman asked me to work at the Warner Bros. lot for him and David since Juanita was already at his "real" office at Disney. Sure, why not.

So there I sit, all alone in a small office for this three-week shoot, and in comes David Frankel. I about croak... what a handsome guy! I was expecting an old person -- doesn't "Producer" mean "old"?

"Hi, I'm David."

I said hello back and he walked into the office to make calls. I'm sure I called Juanita, asking her why she didn't warn me -- he's so cute and only one year older than me! -- but she probably didn't think anything of it because David certainly wasn't HER type.

Anyhoo, I learned almost everything I know about scripts and assisting on that shoot. No one in the production office knew how to put out a script properly and I sure didn't either... someone finally brought one in from somewhere with all the colored pages for changes and headers at the top, etc. and I learned -- because I did I do everything! I put out pages, I xeroxed pages, I stayed at night to make the revisions, I drove to Disney to make the colored pages, collated and then distributed the scripts, and then I was back early in the morning for the scripts to be at the table read. OMG!

And in the meantime, David couldn't have been nicer. Quite uninterested in me, but really funny, super polite, even asking my opinion on jokes as we both learned about sitcoms. (Oh, and guess who played Ellen's daughter? Megan Mullaly, of Will and Grace fame.) Some other time I'll talk bout my six-month stint in New York when then show went into production... there are few good David Frankel memories there too and I don't want to forget them. :)

At the end final week of taping, I got a little crazy. (Probably from the sleep deprivation and all the responsibility!) I had befriended two of the actors, Billy Wirth and Maurice Davis, during the rehearsals and, yes even met David's dad. I got to speaking to him because I was on a "research project" to find out anything he might be able to say about David for the warm-up comedian -- only I don't know if I made that assignment up for myself or someone asked me to do that. In any case, someone in the office said David's dad was a really nice man, and wasn't it nice of him to take the time out of his busy schedule to fly to L.A. to see his son's show. (I thought this was normal as I'm sure MY parents would have come to see a show I had done!) I repeated that to Max, who said, "As long as I have a nice hotel room and the NY Times, I'm happy." Little did I know then that this was Max Frankel, Executive Editor of the New York Times -- what a humbling piece of information. I knew David was a Harvard man, but I didn't know from what beginnings he came... just that they were 100000% different than mine.

So the crazy part: at the final taping, I had bought congratulatory balloon bouquets to dear Norman, David, Billy and Maurice -- which, upon hindsight, sure seems like a HUGE faux pas! I mean, who the hell was I? An assistant on an assistant's wage paying over $120 for four corny arrangements! Well, it felt terrific at the time, and the look on Billy's face, just standing across backstage and waving at me with the balloons in his hand: PRICELESS.

In any case, I veered off in a weird direction, thinking about David Frankel in 1986 -- twenty years ago. Didn't expect that to do that, it was a nice trip down memory lane -- er, Fuller Avenue to be exact. Not much has changed for me but my name!... yet in saying that out loud, I know things are changing quickly... and I will always be a Hollywood girl.

Sending you good energy, David Frankel -- much happiness and thanks :)

Flattered... and proud!

The Los Angeles Fire Department's Public Service Officer, Brian Humphrey,
surprised me this morning in my comments box:

Ms. Katarungan,

First and foremost, please allow me to share how pleased we are that you safely survived your ordeal.

We've taken the liberty of sharing your well-crafted and (at the proper times) lighthearted missive with our LAFD News & Information blog visitors.

In doing so, we hope that members of the community and the Firefighters who serve them will gain better insight into what it may be like if they are (heaven forbid) ever trapped in an elevator.

We hope that you will be able to join us for the upcoming Firefighter Festival of Hollywood, when we hope that you'll be reunited with the crew from Fire Station 27's 'A' Platoon.

Again, thanks for sharing your experience.

Respectfully Yours in Safety and Service,

Brian Humphrey
Firefighter/Specialist
Public Service Officer
Los Angeles Fire Department
Brian Humphrey | Homepage | 07.19.06 - 11:02 am | #

So there I am on their blog and a great intro -- please feel free to read. I couldn't be more proud.

(BTW, the LAFD has a huge following (congrats!) -- my stats yesterday were incredible!)

L.A.F.D. Rules!

If ever there was a time to be blogging, this was it -- yes, tonight after a late night visit with a friend, I was stuck in an elevator for the first time in my life!

Right now I'm pet/housesitting at Jeffrey and Alan's in Hollywood. As I'm driving up and clickin' the clicker to open the garage gate, I'm thinking about how cool it is to always have a parking space in a condo building with an elevator in Hollywood. Life's good.

I threw out some garbage from my car (okay, I dropped by Mickey D's and had a McChicken sandwich) into the garbage can next to the elevator. Hmmm, I think, it's empty, someone just cleaned the garbage out. I get into the elevator, put my access key in and press 3 and proceed to daydream as I always do in elevators.

Took me a while to realize that there was nothing happening. Nothing.

Press 2. Nothing again. How about 1? Why isn't this thing moving? Hm. Okay, open sesame... oh dear, it's not gonna open either. Did I put the key in right? Yes. Aw, hell. No need for anxiety attacks now, this is why you've had all this emergency training, right? Just breathe.

There's an alarm button there... what does that do? No, no alarm yet, let's use that call button. It says it will flash when the call is answered. It's not flashing. Nothing is happening.

I don't want to alarm anyone yet, so I call Jeffrey in Chicago on his cell phone. It's probably 5:45 his time... well, who knows how early he gets up, but maybe he has the number to the super? Er, manager? Oh wait, these are condos, there is no super/manager, or a super manager for that matter. Hm. Well, it's moot anyway, I get his voice mail... and hot damn if my cell phone isn't flashing "low battery." Hang up fast.

So it's time to press the alarm button. It's a bell like noise and a white light goes off in the elevator each time you press it. Like a Staples Easy Button or something but with sound and light. Oh, I get it. It's an alarm to physically alert someone that there's something wrong with the elevator. It doesn't go anywhere, it just sounds pretty and makes pretty light. Oh shit. Nobody here is awake.

Well, hm. I'm going to wait until 4:00 am then I'm going to use my precious battery juju on 911. Trying to remember the other number they say you should call -- one that starts with 3 because this doesn't feel too emergency like... but what is it? 311? 399? Oh hell. Practice your speech because you're on the clock.

California Highway Patrol picks up after I say "ONE" into the phone.

"Hi, I'm stuck in an elevator at _ _ _ _ N. Fuller Avenue and I'm running out of juice on my phone!" The lady dispatcher says she'll connect me to the fire department and I'm telling her to please hurry... (the nerve of me.)

She connects me right away with the fire guys: "What's the address?" "_ _ _ _ N. Fuller Avenue and my battery's going dead." "What's the number you're calling from?" "It's my cell, _ _ _ _ _ _ _ but I'm running out juice!" At least I got out the address.

"Don't panic, and don't try to get out because you might hurt yourself. We're sending someone out right away."

"Okay."

I finally allow myself to sit on the floor. I did that well, I think to myself. I didn't panic, I acted like a grown-up would. If I had had a baby or a child with me, I would have been the perfect picture of calmness, no claustrophobia in sight at all. As a matter of fact, hm... I start singing: "Raindrops on rose and whiskers on kittens..." No, no, things weren't so bad and I don't know all the lyrics, even though I just sang it with my babysitting charge, Kate, tonight. What was that other one? Oh, yes, from The King and I: "Whenever I feel afraid, I hold my head erect, And whistle a happy tune, so no one will suspect I'm afraid." :)

Nah, don't need it... and I'm now I'm giggling because I know I'm gonna blog about this right away.

About ten minutes later, I hear noise. "Ma'am, you all right? Do you have any medical problems?"

I say I'm okay. They yell back: "Ma'am? Are you all right?" So I yell back that I'M OKAY WITH NO MEDICAL PROBLEMS. I'm also thinking of something light to say to ease the tension but then think that maybe that would be an obstruction of justice or something like that -- I stay silent.

They tell me they're working on it, so I start braiding my hair. I know -- braiding my hair? Works better than whistling, I guess.

I hear more male voices. They ask me what floor I'm on -- I say the ground floor. Okay, they're close, better get up. Wish I had put a bra on before I left... oops.

A few minutes later a voice says, "Ma'am, can you push on the door, going from left to right? Push with all your might." I push and groan my Superwoman groan:

"Nothing. Sorry."

"That's okay ma'am." Suddenly the door magically opens: and there are at least five firefighters dressed to the hilt. I'm a bit wowed and must have been grinning a big ole Cheshire smile, but then I remember to be humble and grateful.

"Thank you, thank you!" I say.

There's one among them in jeans and a tank top: "Don't do that again."

"Are you the super?" I say, forgetting there aren't "supers" in LOS ANGELES. "No," he says, "I'm in 101. What happened?"

The head/lead/oldest firefighter tells me there are no stairs to the ground floor, I'll have to go to the first floor from the outside. I thank him because I'm housesitting and have no idea where the stairs are. Then I walk out onto the street with the gang -- there are two huge fire trucks and the at least four more firefighter guys out there. Wow.

"Thank you again," I say. And they all -- well, probably most of them anyway -- wave. Good old L.A.F.D.!

Now I'm thinking about the stairs, as I go in the front door with Michael. I tell him that the elevator call button GOES NO WHERE. He's not happy with that. I almost say some smart ass remark about homeowners fees, but wisely hold my tongue because I'm not wanting to cause stress for my dear Jeffrey and Alan. But I'm sure that will get fixed soon. I mean what if they got someone hysterical (crazy/sick not funny/hilarious) in there?

I say good night and walk up the two flights. Oh goodie, I'm not out of breath -- training with Andrew works! Nero is waiting for me and gets all petted down before I start typing this.

Tomorrow I'll worry about the metaphysical implications of BEING STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR ON THE GROUND FLOOR... oops, guess I just figured it out. Well, I'm going to have a good sleep now... thanks again, L.A.F.D.!

Perspective

...and all I want are my puppies.

A Blogthing

You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

I'm Home!

It's 12:50 am and I just got back from my Academy music class that ended at 10:30... yes, yes, because I was talking to my teacher, Ross, at my car about an incredible project he's working on. (MMMs the word, but I will say my MOTHER will LOVE it!)

I haven't checked my emails or my messages yet because I'm too excited -- I keep thanking God for blessing me with my new life! It's not just musicals... it's that ALL of music makes sense to me now. It's that all the people make sense! It's that I, MYSELF make sense now... as in everything is all coming together. My love of music, my wanting to make it, the emotionality of it... yikes!

If I could write a joyous piece right now... this would one of the moments it would be centered around... YIPPEE!!!

Quan Yin

How did it happen I met a new website client today who tells me about the female buddha of healing compassion, Quan Yin? Did you know she's also the goddess of barren women?

Hm.

tick... tick...BOOM!

tick... tick... BOOM!tick... tick...BOOM! by Jonathan Larson ("Rent") - EXTENDS TO August 6th!

I was prepared to be disappointed because CJ had so recommended it, and yes, for the first five minutes I was stiff and underthrilled...

Until I allowed myself to relax, and not judge myself for being 46 and in the same damn place this almost-30-year-old caracteris. Once I could do that... of course, I saw myself in him.

I lived in a 5th floor studio walkup with three people in Hell's Kitchen in the late 80s. I got mistaken once for Santa Claus as I dragged my 30 pound of laundry in the snow to the laundry mat. And yes, I've done the corporate thing... for a long time.

But today I'm taking classes at the Academy of New Musical Theater -- I've found home, and shock (ha! not to my real friends), it's in musical theater! As a composer and hopefully bookwriter too... and our idols are both the same: Stephen Sondheim. Almost makes me want to change my name back to its original S.S... (NOT.). Wonder if I'll ever get to meet the infamous Mr. Sondheim before... before I go BOOM!

So eery that prevailed over the whole show, and lingered in the lobby as I read memorabilia of Jonathan's life: that he died 10 days before turning 36, just before RENT went to Broadway. That he was born only two months before me. That I get to be here and he isn't... it's so incredibly sad.

It was "REAL LIFE" sung by Wilson Cruz and Andrew Samonsky that made me lose it. Such a beautiful song, that made me feel for my fellow artists, especially the ones in L.A., who keep young, keep plugging away, still live like kids but have hope and don't choose "REAL LIFE." And it made me feel for me too.

Last night I babysat beautiful Kate and we watched The Sound of Music again, except with the Julie Andrews commentary turned on. Watching the kids sing "The Sound of Music" for the Baroness and seeing The Captain melt and love his family again... it made me wonder what happened to my dream of having a boatload of kids (twins, triplets, adopted -- you name it, I wanted them!). When did that dream die and I have to try and "prove" myself. And why is that mutually exclusive from being an artist?

So more tears came. Knowing that that's usually a very open, receptive, vulnerable place (for anybody) -- I had a Scarlett O'Hara moment:

"Okay, God -- if I'm meant to have a family and the man who loves me -- BRING IT ON! I won't make up excuses like I'm too fat, too poor, not accomplished, not ready. Whatever that next trip is, I will embrace it... BRING IT ON and I will choose LIFE."a

After my nap.

Thank God for "You Tube" - Ilia

The first time I saw Ilia Kulik EVER during his Long Program on the Olympics, and fortunately I had taped that. But this Short Program, which I LOVE LOVE LOVE, I don't have. Now I can always watch it, and immediately I'm in 1998... (and still hating Scott Hamilton's commentary too).

Thank you everyone for posting!

Last warmup before Short Program

Interview w/ Tracy Wilson before the Short Program

Nagano Short Program, "Revolutions"

After the win interview

The Lake House

The Lake House

Didn't want to like it and hated the music.

But I loved it. God help me.

First day of Musical School

Tonight was my first day of class at ANMT with Ross the teacher. And Joyce. And one other guy who'll be there next week. Three of us tonight, four of us after that. Can I just say I'M THRILLED?!

It's the Composers Lab and I'm feeling good because I know I have the tools. I can work a computer, including the music program, I've written for voice and orchestra, and now I just have to learn the how to thrive in the new world of musical theater and its special lingo.

The first 1/2 hour we just spent getting to know each other, and Ross rightly said he wanted me to talk about how I felt like bursting in tears. I'd said if I do start the waterworks, it's because it's been a long, circuituous route to be in that class, but give me a half an hour and then I'll be into the work.

Well, we did better than that... we all stayed an hour after class still excited to share stories and go over our material on musical notation.

First assignment: to write 32 measures of a melody that's aching to be sung by a Mandy Patinkin or... Of course I couldn't think of anyone else, but it doesn't matter who right now... I'm excited. And we have to do a lead sheet, or a whole piano vocal score if we can. Well, hell, OF COURSE I can... watch me kick ass (if I don't get on my own back.). But here's the kicker... it has to be HANDWRITTEN, in pencil and on manuscript paper.

Holy shit.

I haven't done that since my junior year at the start of the 80s... geez. I was shocked that he said that, but he said there's something to learn so I guess I will try it. After all, I did get a suggestion in 1981 that I would be great music copyist because I had a solid hand. :)

But then he said to me alone, you know, if you really want to do it on the computer and then copy it, you can do that -- just don't tell me you did it, okay? I think he knows I'm know my notation stuff, but no, I'm not gonna cheat. Unless it ends up being a five- minute piece -- then you better believe I'm using the PC! LOL

I've spent the last five days copyediting a novel and finished it just a few hours before relaxing and going to class. It was a terrific exercise for me (and nicely paying too), and now... I get to be all about me and music for awhile.

Tomorrow is the Book Lab (the script of a musical), but I have to leave early so I can read hands at a grad night at Universal from 9:30 pm to 3:00 am. WOW! This has been the busiest week I've had in months, (and yes, I'm having a bit o' trouble relaxing and sleeping), but I wouldn't have it any other way. Every move I've made, every appointment and job I've taken has been FOR MYSELF and no one else. And it's nice to take all the credit for those decisions too... though I haven't figured out yet how to balance it all, I am one heppy gel. :)

Il Divo and Hero

Boy, do I hate that Mariah Carey song "Hero" -- at least her version of it. Just got a streaming video of the Il Divo boys doing it and again I burst into tears. What is it with me? Boy, these fellows are something else... married, who cares, but when they sing, especially the bass guy... wow.

Their concert is already sold out in LA for June 28... let's see, who can I get to go with me on the 29th? Zowee...

On another note, I'm working on some hard, deep-rooted crap in my life with my good old therapist, Norm. Namely SLEEP... and my lack of a willingness to do the best thing for me. I just turn into a nasty or scared or a combination of both little BRAT.

Last night I was supposed to be in bed by 2am and up by 9am... both times I set for myself, neither of which I did. Ugh. I will say I had a good dream going up and down the elevators in Century City and then meeting G3rry Alt@mero at home to sell real estate... hm... G3rry, why do you come to me in my dreams when I'm stressed? What are you telling me?

I didn't wake up until 12:40. Yuck.

Academy of New Musical Theater

Dear CJ, Viv, Heidi, Viv G and Claudia,

Yes, folks, that's the Academy of New Musical Theater -- and I've just returned from an afternoon and evening with them!

Can I just tell you -- I was nervous to go, I was 7 minutes late and they were just getting started with the Demonstration of their Introductory workshop... talk about resisting that what I want most! But not three minutes when the Founder and Artistic Director, John Sparks started talking about what musical theater was -- IT'S ABOUT FEELINGS, FOLKS -- okay, I'm bawling like a baby. Sob Sob Sob... and I know I've waited all my life to be here.

I didn't think there would be almost 40 people there -- so good to be in like-minded people! And of all ages and from what I could tell from the questions afterwards, all levels of experience in book writing, lyrics and composing...

I CAME HOME TONIGHT.

There were a few short performances of how it each of the labs worked... and afterwards I met the man who will be teaching the music course... talk about a lot in common! He's gonna be a great teacher, not to mention a frickin' funny guy.

Speaking of funny guy... Kevin, Catheryn's friend, found me afterwards. I told him I knew he'd find me as was the only large, beautiful Filipino woman in the room so he couldn't miss me! hehehe We went to a good Chinese place close by, and it was very nice to have my door opened for me, etc. The (straight) man loves his musicals... and is a very pleasant fellow.

We went back to for the dress rehearsals of the four mini-musicals that will be performed on Tuesday... talk about different levels of experience.... I actually felt myself feeling relaxed. And guess what -- I wasn't the only large, beautiful Filipino woman in the room: the composer of the last musical was Filipino and had been introduced to ANMT by Kevin (who she knows from church). Interesting, eh? I said hello and even met her parents... of course the (typical) first thing out of their mouths was" "Do you speak Tagalog?" ("No, I was born here, but I understand a little" is my normal response to that, just FYI.)

So... I'm letting you know I'm in a terrific place -- and my tooth/jaw doesn't even hurt anymore! Please remind me that I had today when I'm miserable... please!

Thank you all for being there for me in this endeavor, the closest and most hidden in my heart (excluding boys/men, but that's another email :)

With smiles,
Madley

Crawler

adopt your own virtual pet!

I'm in need of some YOUTH around here...

adopt your own virtual pet!

Armed and Naive

Still giggling from my Sunday evening-before-I-lose-the-sun walk at the park where I used the walk the pupsters...

Walking on the path right next to the L.A. River, I could hear "popping" sounds and saw four people -- two teams of two -- in army fatigues and black ski masks shooting "machine guns" at each other, hiding behind trees, skulking around.

Of course I knew they were playing -- how could they do that so openly in GLENDALE? Had me a giggle and kept on my walk...

On the way back, they seemed to be paralleling me, but I wasn't going to give up my slow-as-hell-but-consistent pace, and at one point I was right in the line of fire behind one of the gunpersons...

And POWIE, one little pellet, the size of a piece of medium doggie kibble, hit me -- somewhere so easy I can't remember where, but not hard at all.

"Hey!" I yelled -- "GO THE OTHER WAY!"

The person closest to me turned at saw me, then started moving the other direction...thank you, I thought to myself... then one of the gunperson's got nailed by somebody else and I heard a female laugh. Heya! I started wondering how competitive I was myself. Answer: Not very. Unless you count perfectionism as competition with yourself -- most of the time I just call that insanity. Anyway, it's getting pretty dark and I continue on my walk when...

Blue and red lights go off! A siren yelps, then a man on the loudspeaker:

"PUT THE WEAPONS DOWN AND BACK AWAY!"

Ah! The Glendale Police Department to the rescue!

Once more: "PUT THE WEAPONS DOWN AND WALK AWAY!"

Oh my. Are these folks being stubborn? I look in the dark to see the four people drop the "weapons" on ground with the arms up and start walking towards the Glendale P.D. SUV. One of the homes that border the park must have called them... and these war mongers were gonna get in trouble. OOH!

OOH?!

Am I crazy? All of a sudden, in the pit of my stomach, I thought: Am I RETARDED that seeing games like this out in the public didn't make me worry or concerned? Am I that old, or jaded, or NAIVE?

Granted this isn't Israel, or Iraq, or even the Philippines where real machine guns can pop out onto anyone's arms in a second... but it didn't even PHASE me, until the police officer called it a "weapon."

Yikes. But you know, I just chalked it up to age, wisdom and focus on my walk because I still had ten more fence pushups I wanted to do...

FOCUS ON MY WALK? Isn't that funny, me? Yes, me. And I'm still smiling... my, I've changed, if but a little... Is THIS what they call "The Wisdom of Menopause"?! :)

Joann Rides :)

I flew into San Jose yesterday to spend a week with my parents and my brother and his family -- can I just tell you what a RELIEF it is to fly that one hour than driving 12-13 (for me, as I tend to nap on the road!).

Then SNAP -- great idea, I have to cab it to bro's house from the airport -- let's call a blogging friend and say hi in real life!

I've loved Joann's blog, Taxi Vignettes, since she and I both started a few years back -- I loved cabs in NY and always enjoy my adventures in them ;)

So she met me near the info desk downstairs -- beautiful Joann who just had her photo taken with Governor Arnie and has an 8x10 of it on her dashboard! I will have to say, I love putting people together with their writing, and I've met REALLY COOL PEOPLE via the internet... so here's to you, Joann, proving the rule that the net can be a lovely place!

Now... on to gourmet vegetarian dining in San Francisco...

Trader Joe's Disco

Saturday night at Trader Joe's and I find myself freezing (I'm always freezing in that store) but shaking my hefty ol' booty while I pushing my empty cart down the aisle...

I realize it's The Commodores' "Brickhouse" -- and heya, I'm back in high school! Where Kurt S. once called ME a brickhouse. Because I had big boobs. And because I thought it was funny. And I liked my big boobs. And yeah, we even played that song in Rock Band... everyone always "funked out"!

Hurry, hurry, it's COLD... and OMG, I'm dancing again! This time it's Evelyn Champagne King's "Shame" and I've about lost it now because I'M SINGIN' FULL OUT IN THE FROZEN FOODS SECTION.

And I don't care! I'm sick as a dog, can barely breathe, sweating from a temperature, but that loud-ass music is makin' me lightheaded and I like it. And to top it off... I hear a guy say:

"Boy, they play great music in Trader Joe's -- LOOK, everyone's dancing!"

It didn't occur to me that he could've been making fun of me until later... he just sounded so enthusiastic and was probably about my age too -- so I'm choosing to continue to think he was as "up" as I was!

What a lovely, Saturday night moment. :)

The Day of 100s

Oh dear... Andrew got it in his head that since today was my birthday, Viv and I had to do something SPECIAL -- and he remembered that when he was doing martial arts, on New Year's Day they did 1,000 kicks.

So in celebration of my birthday (poor Viv got dragged along), we did 100 seconds of plank, 100 leg presses, 100 lat pull downs, 100 push ups and 100 crunches.

"Happy Birthday!" the smiling trainer says. Then Viv and I go to lunch a do a little shopping.

Four hour laters... we are both aching. Can't even IMAGINE how miserable tomorrow morning will be... oh dear!

Evil Trainer. EVIL! hahahaha

Happy Birthday to me!

And yes, I've just woken up for the zillionth time sweatin' like crazy -- could it be menopause already?!? Darn.

Have a workout today, then a lunch, then spending the evening watchin' videos with a friend. A mellow day... but not a mellow year!

* Finish recital
* Go to Europe
* Get to goal weight
* Make a sh*tload of $$
* Finish apartment
* Learn how to cook

I'm breaking through that "wall" this year... and it feels good!

Down 3 more pounds (16 total)!

YAHOOEY!

I could actually tell I was going down... Andrew's been pointing out that I actually have muscles in my legs (darn squats). Now if I could only SPOT REDUCE -- but he says there's no such thing. Good thing, I suppose... I'd go in there with my gut and my chin(s)... and... hahaha okay, maybe it's better I melt the fat away with these metabolizing muscles (like a candle) so I don't look nuts...

So exciting :)

But there ain't any eggs left...

Should have kids You scored 85 % Parent Material!

Your high score suggests that you would be an excellent parent. Not only are you willing to put in the time and effort (and believe me, having kids is going to take plenty of both!)into raising children, but you are also willing to make necessary sacrifices. On top of that, you are patient and loving where children are concerned, and you might even have some good insights about raising them. You would have them for the right reasons (not because you feel obligated, and not so that they can take care of you, but because you really do love childen). If you scored this high and don't want children, don't worry-nobody is going to force you to have any if you really don't want to, and you are not a "bad" person. Go ahead and read what I wrote to people who scored "shouldn't have kids," and you'll see what I mean. That being said, maybe you'd be ideal for charity work with children, like Big Brothers/Big Sisters or tutoring? Just some food for thought.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 69% on Parent Material

Link: The Should You Really Have Kids? Test written by science_gal on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Dream on

I know I'm sleeping well because I'm dreaming up a storm... I'm rested so the mind can take its little "trips."

Night before last I was cooking. Cooking up a storm... there were lots of friends preparing for banquet or buffet in a community center of some sort... I was helping with everyone and seemed to be the expert with all the recipes. Most were "comfort foods" of the people cooking them -- stews, one-pot-wonders, baked/broiled food, etc. And there was enough for an army. We never got around to eating it though...

Last night -- poor G3rry Alt@mero, if I couldn't have him in real life (4th-12th grade), he's there big time in my dreams! I learned how to be invisible and fly and found him and his family. Eventually I taught my family how to be invisible and fly, and taught him too... it was so lovely because we could help people as well as build our own house... flying and being invisible.

I'm going back to bed to see if there's more -- the two above seem heavy-duty (and obvious!). Good night, G3rry.

Quick Catch-up

1. I've lost two more pounds (yeah!) - 13 altogether. I'm so LUCKY to have Andrew as my trainer! And if you get a chance, check out his fitness tips -- they're terrific!
   
2. P and I are good friends again. I got over myself... and it feels great.
   
3. I'm getting lots of sleep -- it's amazing what happens when you take your anti-depressants every day.
4. I met my new landlords today. In May my rent will go up 87.5%. Not that I'm surprised, it's been the same teeny rent since 1995 -- oh well, decisions have to be made.
   

Happy Birthday, Patric

What Type of Man Turns You On?

Buff sweetie You scored 25% masculine, 58% athletic, 18% exotic, and 56% refined!

You like a buff guy with a clean and polished look. However, you do prefer a more innocent look to him and not the testosterone pumped manly man kind. Someone you might like is.......Brad Pitt. (At least in this picture - his style changes so much it's hard to generalize about Brad) But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 3% on masculine You scored higher than 14% on athletic You scored higher than 3% on exotic You scored higher than 62% on refined

Link: The What type of MAN turns you on Test written by thinkandcome on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Another grin

Just got this email from an old friend from high school that I met again at a reunion in 2004 (after 26 years). He and his new young and beautiful wife we a perfect pair...

Now look it, I'm being serious. T an I are having a
baby girl in july, just found out the sex last week.
Our first, Is that funny are what? I'll be 46 when
shes born. I kill me. My greatgrand father had five
girls in his late fiftes. So kinda a family tradition. L J

It's just so sweet! John was the ex-bandmate I'd get to sit next to because I played bari sax and he played the sousaphone (tuba) and we had many a fun time at 8:00 am in the morning, yakking away!

And for being a "band geek" like me... the guy was a quite an athlete too. Here's my favorite picture of him... again, how lucky I was in back then!

Something to smile about

A couple of weeks ago I drove down to the Disneyland Hotel to meet my dear friend, Parrish -- a young buck I met 12 years ago when he was fresh out of college and had just moved to Los Angeles from Chicago to make it in the film/TV business.

We were inseparable friends as soon as we met, he eventually rented a room in my house, and we spent lots of $ on movies and dinners out. But alas, Chicago beckoned him home, so off he went, though he's always stayed close to his "Ate" (older sister) via phone and email.

Fortunately we could spend at least a few hours together though I cringe every time at a Disney property. He makes me of a good time in my life: my play had just been produced and I had lots of confidence, energy and verve. I also lived in a sweet house, worked as an independent contractor in a law firm (night shift even!) and was in writing and acting classes... I just felt happy then... and he reminded me (and always reminds me) of how strong and important I was to him then. It felt great to be in that space again.

Lastly, Parrish showed me pictures of his beautiful fiancée, Kay, who he's marrying in March in Bangkok. Oh I wish I could go! It's going to be quite the formal -- and fun -- weeklong event... and you know, if Love can hit a crazy bachelor like him that hard... hell, I'm SURE there's hope for me yet! ;)

Parrish, just know I'll be with you and Kay in spirit... and I'm looking forward to meeting you both here sometime soon.

I can't help it

I'm so mad I could spit.

Distraction

dis·trac·tion n.

1. The act of distracting or the condition of being distracted.
2. Something, especially an amusement, that distracts.
3. Extreme mental or emotional disturbance; obsession: loved the puppy to distraction.


dis·trac·tion n.

1. A condition or state of mind in which the attention is diverted from an original focus or interest.
2. Separation of bony fragments or joint surfaces of a limb by extension.


Interesting word for me today.

I'm feeling just a little bitchy right now... the feedback I'm getting from my non-virtual world is just a bit shady to me.

Relationships...crushes...dreams...hopes -- are these things a distraction from being the "real" me? From living the life and being the person I am "meant" to be?

And "meant to be" according to who? And on who's fucking time table?

It's a really big question that can't be answered in a flash; and at the same time, I'm not going to beat myself up for having a life that on the outside looks like ONE BIG FUCKING DISTRACTION.

Ugh.

This is what my life LOOKS like. And if you want to call it a distraction to actually be AWAKE for things that are happening along the way -- you know, something akin to "smelling the roses" -- then be my guest. What matters is what I think my life needs to be about, and how I do or don't make myself happy.

Yes, now I have something to THINK about... or wait, I forget, you think I'm too much in my head anyway... damn, these airy hands.

Well, whatever I'm doing, you just talk amongst yourselves and don't tell me any of it. I've got enough distracting pollution around me as it is.

A room is not a house...

"A House Is Not A Home"
by Burt Bacharach
sung by Luther Vandross


A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight

A room is a still a room, even when there's nothin' there but gloom
But a room is not a house and a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart

Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your face appears
But it's just a crazy game
When it ends, it ends in tears

Pretty little darling, have a heart, don't let one mistake keep us apart
I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs and turn the key
Oh, please be there, sayin' that you're still in love with me, yeah...

I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs and turn the key
Oh, please be there, still in love
I said still in love
Still in love with you...yeah...

Are you gonna be in love with me
I want you and need to be, yeah
Still in love with me
Say you're gonna be in love with me
It's drivin' me crazy to think that my baby
Couldn't be still in love with me

Are you gonna be, say you're gonna be
Are you gonna be, say you're gonna be
Are you gonna be, say you're gonna be
Well, well, well, well
Still in love, so in love, still in love with me
Are you gonna be
Say that you're gonna be

Still in love with me, yeah...
With me, oh...oh...oh...oh...oh...
Still in love with me, yeah...yeah...

HNT #9

How in the hell does a Filipino woman like me who abhors the sun get frickin' FRECKLES? Geez. I wonder if that dermabrasion stuff works on these things...they're cute on Lucy Liu, but not on me. Anyone know? Geez, my skin sucks.

Just got back from a Robert Wilson production of Puccini's Madama Butterfly at the LA Opera -- holy cow, tonight was NOT the night to see a Asian woman off herself for "honor." I understand it (Miss Saigon was more my speed)... but dear god, I don't LIKE it. Not in the places I've been lately...and am still.

Hope you all have a great Half-Nekkid Thursday...

Iz

Hairy Hoser reminded me of Iz and his rendition of "Over the Rainbow" -- that it was great to get over the "funks" with. Thanks HH, it was nice to haul out that CD.

Still haven't crawled out of my hole to blog here again. I will. Someday.

HNT #8

A hearty day out with the little munchkin I babysit, Kate. She's quite the salve for the crappy week I'd been having... thank goodness, though, things are finally looking up once again.

Happy HNT!

Censor

I didn't think it'd happen to me... but it has:

I have to "edit myself" (including entire posts) from my blog. Apparently too many people "can get hurt" from me havin' my own damn feelings... so I'm just going to go underground with an anonymous blog and leave the "nicer toned" things here.

Don't worry: in a few posts, you won't remember there was any kind of change at all.

It infuriates me that I feel I have to censor myself like this... it really does. And I have loved my blog. Yet at the same time, I'm certainly not at a point in my own development where I can just tell people to FUCK OFF and mind their own business, or that whatever MY truth is is MINE even if they're in it, and if they have a DIFFERENT truth, then they can go WRITE their OWN BLOG.

Maybe when I'm 110 and folks have already rotted in Hell I will have cojones enough for that to be me. Maybe.

But until then, I've gone deep into hiding. The Public Me will be pleasant, perky, and personable.

Have a good night. :)

A Song of My Own

Your Stripper Song Is

Toxic by Britney Spears "With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride You're toxic I'm slippin' under" You may dance for someone - but only to weaken their defenses.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Half-Nekkid Thursday #7

What can I say -- it's been rough-ass week.

Happy 1st Bloggerversary HNT...

A plug for Dynamic Fitness

So happy to share:

Andrew Heffernan, my personal trainer, triathlete and good bud, has just begun writing small "fitness tips" in his blog and to his training clients. He's so knowledgeable and clears up many of my misconceptions about diet and exercise -- and he's funny too as he helps me make sense of it all... otherwise I certainly would not be doing this!

His first three tips (entries/posts/essays):

1. Drink water.
2. Eat up...often! (and yes, that miserable client climbing the canyon is ME)
3. Without a --- to stand on... (and now I know why the h*ll we're always doing squats and lunges!)

Check out Andrew's blog, Dynamic Fitness and drop him a line with questions/comments you might have... I'm sure he'd love to hear from you!

Four more pounds down!

Very exciting... Andrew wanted me to increase my weight training with him from two times a week to three, one of those days being more of a cardio day (as in up Runyon Canyon).

In those two weeks with the added workouts, I lost four pounds, total of 11 so far!

And if I felt non-participatory in my last weight loss triumph of 1988 of 100 pounds or so (which is why I didn't do it the O.A. way this time)... let me just say:

I'VE BEEN PRESENT FOR ALL THIS WEIGHT LOSS 100%. Yup. This success I will feel part of, for sure.

Skating, Family-Style

My skating girlfriends couldn't wait for me to see "Kristi Yamaguchi's Family and Friends" special and one of them sent me a tape.

"Get ready to laugh!" she said on the post-it in the package.

It was lovely to see Ilia with his family, as well Katia skating (pairs) with Daria. That will always be a heart-ringer, that pair... she's beginning to look like her mom did when she started competing and winning... and of course, she's the spitting image of her dad.

And Ilia...he's got a clone in her daughter. What a character she is.

I didn't laugh though... I just cried. All these kids, the skaters I grew up with...and spouses, their babies. It was so very heartfelt and warm...

All I could feel was "Why didn't this happen to me?"

All is okay

For those of you who've asked... I'm okay. He's okay, we're okay. What's changed is, as one of you so kindly put it, my energy around him/dreams, etc.

And that's okay. Nice retrograde Venus, stuff huh?

Best to keep moving forward, quietly, consistently. It's only January 10 and I feel like I'm behind on the whole frickin' year.

Except working out. Three times a week with Andrew is amazing... it's like something I DO, now, not just an appointment I can blow off or not. It feels good.

At least something does.

Heartsick

[Note: I'd originally taken this down due to a self-imposed censorship and pressure. But after all the support I had to not do that to myself -- and even from he for whom this was written -- I've decided to re-post. Fuck it! It is, however, minus the half-face photo, at his request. Granted. 1/26/06)

HEARTSICK

I knew tonight
When my meal came alone
That tonight would be "so long"

I knew tonight
When you asked if I cut hair
That your list was something I'd never be on

I knew it, I've been here before
Friendship takes over, possibilities die
And tears gush from a sickened heart

Weak with disappointment
After weeks burst with life
And hope, alive, with anticipation
And dreams of a precocious path

But not with you.

I knew with your tired embrace
Your need to be left alone
And those potent hands
Would never comfort me to sleep

I knew with my heavy smile
That lied "the world is all right"
That my place in your orb would diminish
To nothing but an atom of affection

I knew, I knew...

They said don't do it, you deserve better
As a man who can't love, cruel
And mean, he'll do it again
Let him walk with his charms, far away... so far

But no, she said...
Deep, a refusal to listen
Or be polluted by fear
The heart yearned to be open
Again, to embody love
And to know God once more.

I knew not of evil,
Asleep in the angry man
They pushed, but it's not what I knew
Passion and growing zest, spirit
Screaming to get out too...
A soul like me
A soul who liked me

But not today.

I knew it, I tasted it.
All courtesy... none of it present
A buddy or pal I will not be
Because now I know it --
I want more...

From you, from my world
From a man. From The Man.

Don't want to let go...
So lonesome already
Desperate, pathetic
Weeping for a song unsung...

I miss you!
... or was it just the fancy
And hope I'd be yours --
Or be someone's. Someday.

My heart reeks of pain
And is seeped in the ache
The wail, and festering sobs

I bared my soul again
Willingly, resilient
To hope... until there was none

Tonight hope died
And now you've become another story
Just "a guy I knew..." story

Volle Kraft voraus, you once said.
You will live this
Full steam ahead.

Without me.

Yet I will remember my crumbled heart
Maleable again because of the love I had
For you.

Volle Kraft voraus...
And my eyes will dry again.

Interview With A Vampire... er, Madley

Got this from YankeeBob the perfect thing for an exhausted Madley to do on the evening of the first day of the year (spent the whole day at The Grove and howled at The Producers). Should be a good/painless recap (thanks YB!).

(Update: it's taken me a week to look at this... so much for jumping into the new year!)

1. What did you do in 2005 that you’d never done before? Graduated from Hand Analysis

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Never make them because I never keep them -- and worse, beat myself up for not keeping them. So no more beating myself up!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes... my pug Yvette. :(

5. What countries did you visit? None (how sad)

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? A prosperous income and a college degree and LOVE. Or at least an international airline ticket somewhere.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? November 24, 2005 -- Thanksgiving. The moon and the stars were all in the right place that night ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Singing at Lynn and Stephen's Friday salon the night before their wedding... finally "came out" as a performer sort of!

9. What was your biggest failure? Not having my own money and going into lots of debt, and not singing at Andrea and Matthew's wedding.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No

11. What was the best thing you bought? A pair of earrings and matching necklace -- I've never done that before and they make me feel pretty :)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? My niece, Stephanie, and sweetie pie Kate!

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? A few teachers.

14. Where did most of your money go? Into my stomach

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Falling in "friendship," and sort-of love...

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? "Something Good" from The Sound of Music... it's the Enneagram song for a certain One I know (and it includes my disintegrated Seven self).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Happier, I think... more present, if anything.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Working out, losing weight, writing music, KISSING.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Being afraid to be myself

20. How did you spend Christmas? Quietly, at my youngest brother's house with family

21. How will you spend New Year’s? I spent the Eve driving from the Bay Area, then at Claudia's and barely made it for the countdown, then talking w/ Patric in the car for awhile.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005? YES.

23. How many one-night stands? Same guy, (lovely!) but never all night, so I guess that doesn't count. [It's not the same guy as #22 though.]

24. What was your favorite TV program? Kept, The Apprentice, My Fair Brady... a lot of the makeover/design shows, Celebrity Poker and Jeopardy.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes.

26. What was the best book you read? I'm reading it: The Year of Magical Thinking (Joan Didion)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? WICKED, Rachel Fuller and el cajon.

28. What did you want and get? Company for dinner at my house to help a friend. WOW! It felt good.

29. What was your favorite CD of this year? WICKED

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Crash.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Was with Mom and Dad -- at midnight they gave me so PJs... it was so sweet because they sang Happy Birthday too!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To be in love and have it reciprocated.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Non-existent until Dec 4, 2005... I woke up and got extremely flattered for it. ;)

34. What kept you sane? Lexapro and my hand group, Heidi Rose, Viv C and Viv G.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry from "My Fair Brady" -- and Austen Earl and Seth Frye from KEPT.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? I plead the 5th

37. Whom do you miss? Yvette and Tyler, and my immediate family

38. Who was the best new person that you met? Uranian

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: FLIRTING IS GOOD!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Something Good"

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good