tick... tick...BOOM!

tick... tick... BOOM!tick... tick...BOOM! by Jonathan Larson ("Rent") - EXTENDS TO August 6th!

I was prepared to be disappointed because CJ had so recommended it, and yes, for the first five minutes I was stiff and underthrilled...

Until I allowed myself to relax, and not judge myself for being 46 and in the same damn place this almost-30-year-old caracteris. Once I could do that... of course, I saw myself in him.

I lived in a 5th floor studio walkup with three people in Hell's Kitchen in the late 80s. I got mistaken once for Santa Claus as I dragged my 30 pound of laundry in the snow to the laundry mat. And yes, I've done the corporate thing... for a long time.

But today I'm taking classes at the Academy of New Musical Theater -- I've found home, and shock (ha! not to my real friends), it's in musical theater! As a composer and hopefully bookwriter too... and our idols are both the same: Stephen Sondheim. Almost makes me want to change my name back to its original S.S... (NOT.). Wonder if I'll ever get to meet the infamous Mr. Sondheim before... before I go BOOM!

So eery that prevailed over the whole show, and lingered in the lobby as I read memorabilia of Jonathan's life: that he died 10 days before turning 36, just before RENT went to Broadway. That he was born only two months before me. That I get to be here and he isn't... it's so incredibly sad.

It was "REAL LIFE" sung by Wilson Cruz and Andrew Samonsky that made me lose it. Such a beautiful song, that made me feel for my fellow artists, especially the ones in L.A., who keep young, keep plugging away, still live like kids but have hope and don't choose "REAL LIFE." And it made me feel for me too.

Last night I babysat beautiful Kate and we watched The Sound of Music again, except with the Julie Andrews commentary turned on. Watching the kids sing "The Sound of Music" for the Baroness and seeing The Captain melt and love his family again... it made me wonder what happened to my dream of having a boatload of kids (twins, triplets, adopted -- you name it, I wanted them!). When did that dream die and I have to try and "prove" myself. And why is that mutually exclusive from being an artist?

So more tears came. Knowing that that's usually a very open, receptive, vulnerable place (for anybody) -- I had a Scarlett O'Hara moment:

"Okay, God -- if I'm meant to have a family and the man who loves me -- BRING IT ON! I won't make up excuses like I'm too fat, too poor, not accomplished, not ready. Whatever that next trip is, I will embrace it... BRING IT ON and I will choose LIFE."a

After my nap.