Heartsick

[Note: I'd originally taken this down due to a self-imposed censorship and pressure. But after all the support I had to not do that to myself -- and even from he for whom this was written -- I've decided to re-post. Fuck it! It is, however, minus the half-face photo, at his request. Granted. 1/26/06)

HEARTSICK

I knew tonight
When my meal came alone
That tonight would be "so long"

I knew tonight
When you asked if I cut hair
That your list was something I'd never be on

I knew it, I've been here before
Friendship takes over, possibilities die
And tears gush from a sickened heart

Weak with disappointment
After weeks burst with life
And hope, alive, with anticipation
And dreams of a precocious path

But not with you.

I knew with your tired embrace
Your need to be left alone
And those potent hands
Would never comfort me to sleep

I knew with my heavy smile
That lied "the world is all right"
That my place in your orb would diminish
To nothing but an atom of affection

I knew, I knew...

They said don't do it, you deserve better
As a man who can't love, cruel
And mean, he'll do it again
Let him walk with his charms, far away... so far

But no, she said...
Deep, a refusal to listen
Or be polluted by fear
The heart yearned to be open
Again, to embody love
And to know God once more.

I knew not of evil,
Asleep in the angry man
They pushed, but it's not what I knew
Passion and growing zest, spirit
Screaming to get out too...
A soul like me
A soul who liked me

But not today.

I knew it, I tasted it.
All courtesy... none of it present
A buddy or pal I will not be
Because now I know it --
I want more...

From you, from my world
From a man. From The Man.

Don't want to let go...
So lonesome already
Desperate, pathetic
Weeping for a song unsung...

I miss you!
... or was it just the fancy
And hope I'd be yours --
Or be someone's. Someday.

My heart reeks of pain
And is seeped in the ache
The wail, and festering sobs

I bared my soul again
Willingly, resilient
To hope... until there was none

Tonight hope died
And now you've become another story
Just "a guy I knew..." story

Volle Kraft voraus, you once said.
You will live this
Full steam ahead.

Without me.

Yet I will remember my crumbled heart
Maleable again because of the love I had
For you.

Volle Kraft voraus...
And my eyes will dry again.