Iz

Hairy Hoser reminded me of Iz and his rendition of "Over the Rainbow" -- that it was great to get over the "funks" with. Thanks HH, it was nice to haul out that CD.

Still haven't crawled out of my hole to blog here again. I will. Someday.

HNT #8

A hearty day out with the little munchkin I babysit, Kate. She's quite the salve for the crappy week I'd been having... thank goodness, though, things are finally looking up once again.

Happy HNT!

Censor

I didn't think it'd happen to me... but it has:

I have to "edit myself" (including entire posts) from my blog. Apparently too many people "can get hurt" from me havin' my own damn feelings... so I'm just going to go underground with an anonymous blog and leave the "nicer toned" things here.

Don't worry: in a few posts, you won't remember there was any kind of change at all.

It infuriates me that I feel I have to censor myself like this... it really does. And I have loved my blog. Yet at the same time, I'm certainly not at a point in my own development where I can just tell people to FUCK OFF and mind their own business, or that whatever MY truth is is MINE even if they're in it, and if they have a DIFFERENT truth, then they can go WRITE their OWN BLOG.

Maybe when I'm 110 and folks have already rotted in Hell I will have cojones enough for that to be me. Maybe.

But until then, I've gone deep into hiding. The Public Me will be pleasant, perky, and personable.

Have a good night. :)

A Song of My Own

Your Stripper Song Is

Toxic by Britney Spears "With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride You're toxic I'm slippin' under" You may dance for someone - but only to weaken their defenses.

What Song Should You Strip To?

Half-Nekkid Thursday #7

What can I say -- it's been rough-ass week.

Happy 1st Bloggerversary HNT...

A plug for Dynamic Fitness

So happy to share:

Andrew Heffernan, my personal trainer, triathlete and good bud, has just begun writing small "fitness tips" in his blog and to his training clients. He's so knowledgeable and clears up many of my misconceptions about diet and exercise -- and he's funny too as he helps me make sense of it all... otherwise I certainly would not be doing this!

His first three tips (entries/posts/essays):

1. Drink water.
2. Eat up...often! (and yes, that miserable client climbing the canyon is ME)
3. Without a --- to stand on... (and now I know why the h*ll we're always doing squats and lunges!)

Check out Andrew's blog, Dynamic Fitness and drop him a line with questions/comments you might have... I'm sure he'd love to hear from you!

Four more pounds down!

Very exciting... Andrew wanted me to increase my weight training with him from two times a week to three, one of those days being more of a cardio day (as in up Runyon Canyon).

In those two weeks with the added workouts, I lost four pounds, total of 11 so far!

And if I felt non-participatory in my last weight loss triumph of 1988 of 100 pounds or so (which is why I didn't do it the O.A. way this time)... let me just say:

I'VE BEEN PRESENT FOR ALL THIS WEIGHT LOSS 100%. Yup. This success I will feel part of, for sure.

Skating, Family-Style

My skating girlfriends couldn't wait for me to see "Kristi Yamaguchi's Family and Friends" special and one of them sent me a tape.

"Get ready to laugh!" she said on the post-it in the package.

It was lovely to see Ilia with his family, as well Katia skating (pairs) with Daria. That will always be a heart-ringer, that pair... she's beginning to look like her mom did when she started competing and winning... and of course, she's the spitting image of her dad.

And Ilia...he's got a clone in her daughter. What a character she is.

I didn't laugh though... I just cried. All these kids, the skaters I grew up with...and spouses, their babies. It was so very heartfelt and warm...

All I could feel was "Why didn't this happen to me?"

All is okay

For those of you who've asked... I'm okay. He's okay, we're okay. What's changed is, as one of you so kindly put it, my energy around him/dreams, etc.

And that's okay. Nice retrograde Venus, stuff huh?

Best to keep moving forward, quietly, consistently. It's only January 10 and I feel like I'm behind on the whole frickin' year.

Except working out. Three times a week with Andrew is amazing... it's like something I DO, now, not just an appointment I can blow off or not. It feels good.

At least something does.

Heartsick

[Note: I'd originally taken this down due to a self-imposed censorship and pressure. But after all the support I had to not do that to myself -- and even from he for whom this was written -- I've decided to re-post. Fuck it! It is, however, minus the half-face photo, at his request. Granted. 1/26/06)

HEARTSICK

I knew tonight
When my meal came alone
That tonight would be "so long"

I knew tonight
When you asked if I cut hair
That your list was something I'd never be on

I knew it, I've been here before
Friendship takes over, possibilities die
And tears gush from a sickened heart

Weak with disappointment
After weeks burst with life
And hope, alive, with anticipation
And dreams of a precocious path

But not with you.

I knew with your tired embrace
Your need to be left alone
And those potent hands
Would never comfort me to sleep

I knew with my heavy smile
That lied "the world is all right"
That my place in your orb would diminish
To nothing but an atom of affection

I knew, I knew...

They said don't do it, you deserve better
As a man who can't love, cruel
And mean, he'll do it again
Let him walk with his charms, far away... so far

But no, she said...
Deep, a refusal to listen
Or be polluted by fear
The heart yearned to be open
Again, to embody love
And to know God once more.

I knew not of evil,
Asleep in the angry man
They pushed, but it's not what I knew
Passion and growing zest, spirit
Screaming to get out too...
A soul like me
A soul who liked me

But not today.

I knew it, I tasted it.
All courtesy... none of it present
A buddy or pal I will not be
Because now I know it --
I want more...

From you, from my world
From a man. From The Man.

Don't want to let go...
So lonesome already
Desperate, pathetic
Weeping for a song unsung...

I miss you!
... or was it just the fancy
And hope I'd be yours --
Or be someone's. Someday.

My heart reeks of pain
And is seeped in the ache
The wail, and festering sobs

I bared my soul again
Willingly, resilient
To hope... until there was none

Tonight hope died
And now you've become another story
Just "a guy I knew..." story

Volle Kraft voraus, you once said.
You will live this
Full steam ahead.

Without me.

Yet I will remember my crumbled heart
Maleable again because of the love I had
For you.

Volle Kraft voraus...
And my eyes will dry again.

Interview With A Vampire... er, Madley

Got this from YankeeBob the perfect thing for an exhausted Madley to do on the evening of the first day of the year (spent the whole day at The Grove and howled at The Producers). Should be a good/painless recap (thanks YB!).

(Update: it's taken me a week to look at this... so much for jumping into the new year!)

1. What did you do in 2005 that you’d never done before? Graduated from Hand Analysis

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Never make them because I never keep them -- and worse, beat myself up for not keeping them. So no more beating myself up!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No

4. Did anyone close to you die? Yes... my pug Yvette. :(

5. What countries did you visit? None (how sad)

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? A prosperous income and a college degree and LOVE. Or at least an international airline ticket somewhere.

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? November 24, 2005 -- Thanksgiving. The moon and the stars were all in the right place that night ;)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Singing at Lynn and Stephen's Friday salon the night before their wedding... finally "came out" as a performer sort of!

9. What was your biggest failure? Not having my own money and going into lots of debt, and not singing at Andrea and Matthew's wedding.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No

11. What was the best thing you bought? A pair of earrings and matching necklace -- I've never done that before and they make me feel pretty :)

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration? My niece, Stephanie, and sweetie pie Kate!

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? A few teachers.

14. Where did most of your money go? Into my stomach

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Falling in "friendship," and sort-of love...

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? "Something Good" from The Sound of Music... it's the Enneagram song for a certain One I know (and it includes my disintegrated Seven self).

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Happier, I think... more present, if anything.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Working out, losing weight, writing music, KISSING.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Being afraid to be myself

20. How did you spend Christmas? Quietly, at my youngest brother's house with family

21. How will you spend New Year’s? I spent the Eve driving from the Bay Area, then at Claudia's and barely made it for the countdown, then talking w/ Patric in the car for awhile.

22. Did you fall in love in 2005? YES.

23. How many one-night stands? Same guy, (lovely!) but never all night, so I guess that doesn't count. [It's not the same guy as #22 though.]

24. What was your favorite TV program? Kept, The Apprentice, My Fair Brady... a lot of the makeover/design shows, Celebrity Poker and Jeopardy.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Yes.

26. What was the best book you read? I'm reading it: The Year of Magical Thinking (Joan Didion)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? WICKED, Rachel Fuller and el cajon.

28. What did you want and get? Company for dinner at my house to help a friend. WOW! It felt good.

29. What was your favorite CD of this year? WICKED

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Crash.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Was with Mom and Dad -- at midnight they gave me so PJs... it was so sweet because they sang Happy Birthday too!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? To be in love and have it reciprocated.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? Non-existent until Dec 4, 2005... I woke up and got extremely flattered for it. ;)

34. What kept you sane? Lexapro and my hand group, Heidi Rose, Viv C and Viv G.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Christopher Knight and Adrianne Curry from "My Fair Brady" -- and Austen Earl and Seth Frye from KEPT.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? I plead the 5th

37. Whom do you miss? Yvette and Tyler, and my immediate family

38. Who was the best new person that you met? Uranian

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: FLIRTING IS GOOD!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Something Good"

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good