When by some Miracle of Miracles...

Still raw. Did I make a huge mistake?



Look at how he looks at her
Will someone ever I look at me that way-
Full of all the feelings and the soft
Unspoken words that lovers say?
I thought that I knew ev'ry single
Look and sweet expression on his face,
Yet this is one that I don't recognize,
Although I've sat and studied him for hours.
But now I see how love completely occupies
A pair of' eyes...

See the way' they gaze at her,
Like slaves they follow every where she goes.
Do my eyes forget themselves
And do I ever look at him
And smile in such a way
That what I'm feeling shows?
Sometimes I have the feeling
Everybody knows...
And even though it's crazy,
Still I can't help wondering
If I'll ever live to see the day
When by some miracle of miracles,
He'll turn around
And look at me that way!

Need You Now

I will be going back to the Bay Area -- the scene of the crime -- in a few hours and I'm feeling super-anxious and moody about it all. Did this week away help? YES... and I'm grateful to my hosts. Am I "done"? No frickin' way.

Just heard this today back from dinner -- it's perfect.



Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one I’m a little drunk
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Wishing on a Star

Funny, this song was always about me and Matt T's song in high school. We were never boyfriend/girlfriend... but very good, good friends who got together a lot. :)

When I came back my first Christmas from college, I threw a Christmas party at my mom's house, and yes, I wanted it stacked with more dudes because I was a selfish -- or probably more to the truth, insecure -- chick back then. Ended up there was about 15 guys -- and TWO, count 'em TWO girls there! So basically it was a non-alcoholic cocktail party w/ the fellas -- OOPS.

Now I don't know how my little brother Jeff knew this, but I heard him tell his fellow 9th grader, Archie: "Hey, watch this." And he put this song, Wishing on a Star" on the stereo.

Like a magnet, wherever Matt and I were in the house, we zoomed in on each other at met in the living room to slow dance. (Remember those, SLOW DANCES? LOL) And then I heard Jeff say to Archie: "See, I told you."

That memory always makes me smile... Hi Matt T, wherever you are.

But now... yeah, it's a Brad song. Wherever YOU are.




I'm wishin' on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishin' on a dream
To follow what it means

I'm wishin' on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishin' on a dream
To follow what it means

And I wish on all the rainbows
That I see
I wish on all the people
Who really dream

And I'm wishin' on tommorow
Praying it'll come
And I'm wishin' on all the lovin'
We've ever done

I never thought I'd see
A time when you would be
So far away from home
So far away from me

Just think of all the moments
That we spent
I just can't let you go,
For me, you were meant

And I didn't mean to hurt you,
But I know
That in the game of lovin',
You reap what you sow

I feel it's time we should make up, baby
I feel it's time for us to get back together
Make the best of things, oh baby,
When we're together,
Whether or never.

I feel it's time we should make up, baby,
I feel it's time for us to get back together
Make the best of things, oh baby,
When we're together,
Whether or never.

I'm wishin' on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishin' on a dream
To follow what it means

And I wish on all the rainbows
That I see
I wish on all the people
We ever greeted

And I'm hopin' on all the days to come
And days to go
And I'm hopin' on days of
Lovin' you so

I'm wishing on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishing on a star, oh oh,
And I wish on all the rainbows that I see--

I'm wishin' on a star
To follow where you are...

Dreaming

I thought I'd be blogging everyday for 30 days here so as not to whine, cry and obsess to my friends on Twitter and Facebook... but it seems I can't really do that here either. I sit in Sacramento w/ my dear friend, and I tell her I can't think of anything else or talk about anything else because I'm so aware of how frickin' BORING it is. She tells me that's why I'm here, and that's why SHE'S here... but still, I'm sure even the bestest of friends can only take so much... hell, even if "Brad" himself were reading this now, he'd be screaming UNCLE right now to stop this boring shit...

No matter how much I try to distract myself or keep my mouth shut though... it all comes out in my dreams. Every time I sleep I've dreamed some heavy-ass story. People say I'm "having a meetin' with all the important players" or "Your subconscious mind/spirit/soul is processing all this in your sleep because the awake you cannot handle it." I know he'd think that was a good thing, because he knew how little good, quality sleep I get... he'd say I was getting good REM sleep in those ZZZZZZZZZzzzzz... but this morning is the FIRST TIME that HE was in it. Funny, I've even dreamt about Brad Jr., but never him.

Only in this dream... he was the Brad I knew in high school. Not today's Brad, who's 6 ft/240 and built like a football player -- but Brad at 15, 5 ft tall/74 pounds. Maybe that's because that's who I really see, the heart of the young Brad to whom I was so special back then... but I digress.

Triangles... this dream was all about triangles. I was going to try out a new therapist, but she ended up being my old therapist in Beverly Hills that I adored. But in the huge waiting room, there were lots of people there to see her... I was there after working out and showering in a co-ed locker room (wow, that's weird) and I found out there was an older woman who was going to see Dr. Therapist because she and her girlfriend were fighting: she wanted to be with ME. Huh?

I was there because I was struggling the triangle between Brad and his soon-to-be ex-wife who still owned his heart... and he was there because of his issue with her... vs. a new, hopeful life without her. Funny it wasn't between ME and HER, it was between HER and HIS NEW LIFE... and I was a part of that.

The waiting room was crazy. Watching it I thought "Is this a frickin' clinic or what -- what happened to her Beverly Hills office?" Young Brad was clinging to me, sitting really close, while the lesbian woman kept trying to talk to me, with her girlfriend in tow. At one point I stood up and told her I wanted to be with HIM, and then he stood up too and grabbed my hand... and we were almost a foot apart in height, and his hand was smaller and delicate, not like the strong, earthy, working man's hands I know and love today. That kind of shocked me... BUT I DIDN'T CARE, and gratefully, neither did he... and he climbed up on a step, got to my height, and kissed me in front of her.

"She's choosing me," he said to her. "So leave her alone."

Then I got called in to the therapy room. Dr. Therapist wasn't quite ready for me... but I didn't care. I had it all figured out already in the past few minutes: I didn't believe in triangles. Period. "Love on a TWO-way street" as the old R&B classic goes, not a lonely (or three-lane) highway!

It felt great to "meet" you tonight, Mr. Brad. I miss you.

Muli

Thank you for this and the loose translation, Inday Perlita.



Araw gabi, bakit naalala ka at di ko malimot limot ang sa atin ay nagdaan
(Day ang night always remember you and couldn't forget what just happened)

Kung nagtatampo ka ay kailangan bang ganyan, dinggin and dahilan at ako'y pagbigyan
(If you're not feeling well, you don't have to act like that but please listen to my reasons and give me a chance)

Kailangan ko ang tunay na pagibig mo dahil tanging ikaw lang ang pintig ng puso ko
(I needed your sincere love cause my heart is only for you)

Hahayaan mo ba na maging ganoon na lang - ang isa't isa ay mayroong pagdaramdam
(Will you just leave it like that - needed to express words to each other)

At kung nagkamali sa iyo patawad ang pagsamo ko, tayo nat ulitin ang pagibig natin ngunit ikaw lang at ako, ngunit ikaw lana at ako...
(If I did something wrong, forgiveness is being requested, let's start all over
again in terms of our relationship but it should only be you and me... it
should only be you and me...)

Bakit di pagbigyan muli and ating pagmamahalan, kung mawawala ay di ba sayang naman, lumipas natin tila ba kailan lang...
(Why don't we give our love another chance, it will be a total waste if we're going to
just end this relationship considering our recent, happy past...)

Oh God... grant me the serenity...

I miss you, I miss you. I MISS YOU.

I never had it so good before... and yes, of course I'm grateful.

But it doesn't make me miss you less.

I let you go and am letting us both off the hook. And still, for today... I pray you come back to me.



What are you doing the rest of your life?
North and south and east and west of your life?
I have only one request of your life
That you spend it all with me.

All the seasons and the times of your days.
All the nickels and the dimes of your days.
Let the reasons and the rhymes of your days.
All begin and end with me.

I want to see your face,
In every kind of light,
In fields of gold and
Forests of the night;
And when you stand before
The candles on a cake.
Oh let me be the one to hear
The silent wish you make.

Those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes
In the world of love you keep in your eyes,
I'll awaken what's asleep in your eyes,
It may take a kiss or two...

Through all of my life...
Summer, winter, spring and fall of my life,
All I ever will recall of my life
Is all of my life with you.

As quick as it came...

It's gone.

I didn't even get a chance to blog about him, my "Guy A" or (pseudonym) "Brad." I wanted to be in the moment, not put labels on it, enjoy where we are -- where I was. There are a few pictures, but our world was made mostly of long powerful talks -- and quiet caresses.

This week was so powerful... two days in the City, and a Saturday afternoon with old, old friends. and kind of an official "coming out" as a couple... again, I've never done that before. It felt right, it felt good. To be part of a twosome, to do my social flitting-about at the Reunion, but to come home to his table where he and his son were quietly enjoying themselves as well. And for the first time, he called me his girlfriend. Why did he do that? We never talked about our status... I thought we agreed to stay in the "Now." But that afternoon, I heard him say something about his "girlfriend" -- and he meant me.

But my best memory is feeding him a few spoonfuls of my Tomato Bisque soup at dinner. How intimate that can be -- that was a shock.



I'm not willing to live
Blinded by another lover
who leads me on
'Cause they know just how to give
Just enough to get what they want
And then they're gone

Well I've been there and done that before
But this time I'm going through another door
Give me something real now
That I can feel now
Hit me with a love that won't let go
If you're gonna choose me don't refuse me
Baby, show me what you've got
And give me something real.

True love has no disguise
You shouldn't have to make your feelings a mystery
There's no room for surprise
Not inside a heart that's aching for honesty
'Cause I've followed illusions before
But daydreams don't do it for me anymore

Give me something real now
That I can feel now
Hit me with a love that won't let go
If you're gonna choose me don't refuse me
Baby, show me what you got
And give me something real
We can share a feeling so rare
Let's make a love of our own

What's past is past
So let's make this last
Show me what I've never known

Give me something real now
That I can feel now
Hit me with a love that won't let go
If you're gonna choose me don't refuse me.
Baby, show me what you've got
And give me something real.

If Only For One Night

PAIN, PAIN, PAIN... and a heavy heart. Slicing up my arm is less painful that this.

Can one really be in love with the "idea" of a person and not what's really in front of them?

Today... I'm a fool.



Let me hold you tight
If only for one night
Let me keep you near
To ease away your fear
It would be so nice
If only for one night

I won't tell a soul
No one has to know
If you want to be totally discreet
I'll be at your side
If only for one night

Your eyes say things I never hear from you
And my knees are shakin too
But I'm willing to go through
I must be crazy
Standing in this place
But I'm feeling no disgrace

For asking......

Let me hold you tight
If only for one night
Let me keep you near
To ease away your fear
It would be so nice
If only for one night

I tell you what I need is
One night, one night oh (and oh, oh)
What I need is
One night, one night
Of your love, of you love, of your loving ooh
I'm asking...

Let me take you home
To keep you safe and warm
Till the early dawn
Warms up to the sun
It would be so nice if only for one night

If only for one night
If only for one night
If only for one night, night, night, yeah one night
If only for one......... night

Talk about "Technicalities"...

This sh*t is hard.

"Blue" Zucchini

So much to yak about re: the 50th Wedding Anniversary Party and that will come up in another post.

In the meantime, here's a little after-event giddiness from Mom, who loves anything a little bit "blue." :)

Dialysis at Sea

At lunch just now I was excited to tell my parents that there are cruises that have dialysis centers in them, but mostly for people who do peritoneal dialysis, not hemodialysis like what I do.

"But, can you imagine! There's a whole cruise line for dialysis, it's called Dialysis at Sea--"

"Boring."

Wow... deflated.

"Thanks, Mom. Way to kill any kind of enthusiasm. What do you think, it's just a bunch of sick-ass people lying around getting dialysis on a boat? Forget it."

Sigh. I'm on my own here.

The Proposal

Cute movie... and funny, I actually believed Ryan Reynolds was a cool guy (as in "not a jerk").

Much of the movie was shot in Alaska... which was the second time Alaska came up for me today. I've been looking for SOME PLACE TO GO, and SOMETHING TO DO to veg out after this July 11th event of my parents.

Mom suggested Hawaii, "because if we go there, you won't have to pay for anything." I quite nicely told her the vacation was to get away FROM THEM. With a smile, of course.

Another friend came back from Mystic, CT and I looked at the blue water photos from the Inn at Mystic -- such a deal for midweek, but I'd have to haul ass across the country. Don't know if I have energy for that.

Mystic made me think of the water though -- and Lake Tahoe. Thought maybe it would be the right speed for me to go by myself for awhile -- a spa sounds incredible -- and maybe have a friend or two join me later after I decompress?

But then my Physician's Asst at dialysis today said there are cruises that have dialysis available on them: I looked up Dialysis at Sea and a cruise around Alaska came up in July! That might be the answer.

It just looks so peaceful and maybe a good place for an old single gal like me to take it easy. I'll let you know.

PS I had to double up on my anti-depressants today, and yes, it's getting that bad.

Happy Father's Day

After a great Father's Day lunch w/ Mom, Dad, my brother and his in laws, I uncharacteristically decided to go to the 6:00 pm mass.

Fortunately, the hymns were easy to sing, the church wasn't crowded, and the priest spoke clear English. Had a very calming effect on me.

At the end of the mass, Fr. Jim asked all the fathers to come up for a special blessing. Up they all went: 18-year-olds who barely have facial hair to hobbling black-haired old men with inch-long silver roots; they were white, black, Filipino, Indian, Mexican... they kept coming up, surrounding the altar, these fathers that we were to honor...

And I wept.

My body shook, overwhelmed by the humanity of it all -- these men who raised and loved us, made mistakes and made us strong -- walking up to be applauded and blessed. Although my dad wasn't there with me just then, the spirit of fatherhood took over me... generations past, generations to come...

How grateful I am for the fathers in my life: Dad and my brothers, grandfathers and godfathers who have left this plane, and fathers separated from and missing their children. What responsibility you've chosen to bear! May you always know how truly important, respected and loved you are.

All the Way

My dad has a Frank Sinatra CD in the car I use to go to dialysis every other morning at 5:30. Nowadays this is the song that's in my life and running through my head.

Ah, life.

[I wish I could find him singing the long version on video -- this is the short one.)



All the Way
(S. Cahn, J. Van Heusen)
[Recorded April 29, 1963, Los Angeles]

When somebody loves you
It's no good unless he loves you all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you all the way

[Chorus:]
Taller than the tallest tree is
That's how it's got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue sea is
That's how deep it goes if it's real

When somebody needs you
It's no good unless he needs you all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in-between years come what may

[Bridge:]
Who knows where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you all the way all the way

[instrumental-last two lines of Chorus]

So, if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you all the way all th

$5 Y'all

Now THIS is the Travis Kraft I know. HEEHEE

From my new pink camera

I like this pic of my mom relaxed and in a funny mood...

===

All is well with me -- lots of doctors appts to get ready for Stanford transplant evaluation so not a lot to write about (YET!)

Mushy Song Monday

I know. This has got to be the worse :) How awful to be in love!