When by some Miracle of Miracles...

Still raw. Did I make a huge mistake?



Look at how he looks at her
Will someone ever I look at me that way-
Full of all the feelings and the soft
Unspoken words that lovers say?
I thought that I knew ev'ry single
Look and sweet expression on his face,
Yet this is one that I don't recognize,
Although I've sat and studied him for hours.
But now I see how love completely occupies
A pair of' eyes...

See the way' they gaze at her,
Like slaves they follow every where she goes.
Do my eyes forget themselves
And do I ever look at him
And smile in such a way
That what I'm feeling shows?
Sometimes I have the feeling
Everybody knows...
And even though it's crazy,
Still I can't help wondering
If I'll ever live to see the day
When by some miracle of miracles,
He'll turn around
And look at me that way!

Deanna and Jesse sittin' in a tree...

So The Bachelorette, Deanna, picked the Wild Card (and Wild Man) in an "upset" to everyone but us die-hard romantics, Jesse.

This shit never ceases to make me weep.

The "other" guy, Jason, the one who didn't get picked but was just as in love with Deanna -- was at the "After The Final Rose" show too. He was given the opportunity to ask and say anything to her... and it was heartbreaking to see HURT written all over someone's face like that...

But he had dignity, self-respect, calm... and a generous heart. After all his questions to her were done... his final statement was: "Watching the show again backstage... You never looked at me the way you looked at Jesse."

Which brings me to YENTL, once again:



Look at how he looks at her
Will someone ever I look at me that way?
Full of all the feelings and the soft
Unspoken words that lovers say?

I thought that I knew ev'ry single
Look and sweet expression on his face,
Yet this is one that I don't recognize,
Although I've sat and studied him for hours.
But now I see how love completely occupies
A pair of' eyes...

See the way they gaze at her,
Like slaves they follow every where she goes.
Do my eyes forget themselves
And do I ever look at him
And smile in such a way
That what I'm feeling shows?
Sometimes I have the feeling
Everybody knows...

And even though it's crazy,
Still I can't help wondering
If I'll ever live to see the day
When by some miracle of miracles,
He'll turn around
And look at me that way.

===

I want to be in love. Like that -- no less.

THERE! I SAID IT!

Surprised? Yeah, me too. Don't you know I'm emotionally stuck at age 16?!?!?! Yup.

Last week I was given a heartfelt, loving "talkin' to" about what I do when it comes to relationships -- and mind you, this girlfriend has known me for over 20 years.

"You want to be married," she says. "I love you and I know you -- you want to be with one person, as much as you think you don't and fight it. You do. Trust me."

(Ick, my eyes are watering just remembering this conversation.)

"You pick completely unavailable men. Look at the ones you're 'with' right now: not one is completely available to you or appropriate for you at all."

Yes, I still bristle at the word "appropriate" too -- after all, who's to say who's "appropriate" really... no one truly knows except the two people that are in the relationship, right?!

Apparently one of those guys, the one I've really fallen for (I know, all you friends of mine are saying "you mean fallen for THIS TIME, Madley") -- is a completely "ridiculous" choice, and I'm pretty stupid -- yes, stupid -- to even be toying with the idea that he could ever fall in love with me.

S-T-U-P-I-D. And R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S.

Wow. Harsh and to the point.

But you know what? I've never had my heart opened up so wide before in my life until this man... so I'm going to going to keep that emotional armor away for just a little bit longer and be wistful and longing and dream of love... and cry with more songs from Babs...

... because I like the way he makes me feel... about me, about my life, about my past, about the future...

... and I like remembering again that I even HAVE a real heart that still wants to be loved.

I'll think more about "appropriateness" another day... thank you, Scarlett O'Hara.

Edited to add Deanna and Jesse's website. Thanks M.B.!

The Way He Makes Me Feel

It's a big "Yentl" night tonight for some reason... Dear God, aching again. I hate it. Wish I hated him.

There’s no chill and yet I shiver
There’s no flame and yet I burn
I’m not sure what I’m afraid of
And yet I’m trembling

There's no storm yet I hear thunder.
And I'm breathless, why I wonder?
Weak one moment,
Then the next I'm fine.

I feel as if I'm falling every time
I close my eyes
And flowing through my body
Is a river of surprise.
Feelings are awakening
I hardly recognize as mine!

What are all these new sensations?
What's the secret they reveal?
I'm not sure I understand
But I like the way I feel.

Oh, why is it that every time
I close my eyes he's there?
The water shining on his skin,
The sunlight in his hair?
And all the while I'm thinking things
That I can never share with him.

I'm a bundle of confusion
Yet it has a strange appeal.
Did it all begin with him,
And the way he makes me feel
I like the way he makes me feel.