The Secret of the Universe

...according to Stacey -- and now, TO ME. It all makes sense -- how could I not see it before?

The Secret of the Universe

Thanks, Stacey. And I'm lucky I know when someone does something magical for my soul...

Year of the Rooster

Vivian, the soon-to-be-photojournalist :) took these at the Chinese New Year Parade in Pasadena, CA last Sunday, February 13. (That's her friend Mando on the stilts :)

Funny, when I saw these three zoo people walking around with chickens, I thought there was going to be a cock fight somewhere or these guys were on their way to gettin' roasted. (I'm so Filipino -- and yes, cock fights are illegal in the U.S.) Ends up if you pet one during the Year of the Rooster, it's good luck. So I did of course -- how can it NOT be good luck to pet a c*ck during the year? (I'm a BAD Filipino at that! hehehe)


More soon -- this week's been jam-packed -- glad you gals (and Hairy) are keeping the fires warm amongst yourselves here, you're always welcome!!!

ME ME ME

No thinking allowed today... thanks Hairy Hoser!

1. What time did you get up this morning? 3:38 PM
2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds -- my birthstone -- of course! Never owned one though...
3. What was the last film that you saw at the cinema? The Wedding Date
4. What is your favorite t.v. show? The Apprentice
5. What did you have for breakfast? $1 Double Cheeseburger at Mickey D's (well that was embarrassing)
6. What foods do you dislike? overly "healthy" stuff with no taste
7. What is your favorite cuisine? my mother's
8. What are your favorite potato chips? Sour cream and onion Pringles
9. What is your favorite c.d. at the moment? "Wicked" soundtrack
10.What is your favorite sandwich? Last night I had a BBQ beef... not too bad! No real favorite -- something anyone else makes for me.
11.What characteristics do you despise? Not willing to grow
12. Favorite item of clothing? Hale Koa hotel T-shirt from Hawaii
13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Today... mmm, Venice.
14. What color is your bathroom? white, blue, purple
15. Favorite brand of clothing? "clean"
16. Favorite time of day? Right about now.
17. What was your most memorable birthday? 31 -- Karaoke party -- there were people there from all walks of my life, it was so strange!
18. Where were you born? Wilmington, Delaware
19. Favorite sport to watch? Figure Skating
20. Who do you least expect to do this? Hope
21. Who do you expect to do this first? Allie
22. What fabric detergent do you use? Tide/All -- whatever I steal from Mom
23. Coke or Pepsi? Coke
24. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Vampire
25. What is your shoe size? 10
26. Do you have any pets? Yvette, my pug
27. Any new and exciting news? nope
28. What did you want to be when you were little? First woman baseball player
29. What should you be doing today? cleaning the house, lots of accounting
30. Birthday and Sign? 4/10 Aries

More funky dreams

That's what I get for taking a "nap" at 8:15 pm -- woke up at 1:30 am a bit freaked out... I'm humming the music to Wicked, making friends with Barbra Streisand in college (I LOVE BABS, so no snarkiness allowed here :), then walking around by myself in the town square of Brugge, Belgium...

Brains and dreams and memories are just... weird.

Note to dear Jeffrey -- YES on Wicked, YES on Bye Bye Birdie and YES on Rick's Academy Award party, especially if you'll drive! And I'm answering you here as a lovely thanks for checking up on me here all the time!!! When someone said you should write your blog to a "someone" -- well, betcha didn't know my someone was YOU!!! Love ya...

Happy Talk

Happy talk, keep talking happy talk,
Talk about things you'd like to do,
You gotta have a dream, if you don't have a dream,
How you gonna have a dream come true?

From the musical South Pacific (1949)
Music by Richard Rodgers
Lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein II

(Hey, this is like an Answer Girl blog entry, how fun! I could go off on a South Pacific tangent -- Bloody Mary, Liat, me, my mother -- right now... but I'll save it for another day :)

===

Had a terrific lunch (three hours!) with my Composition professor, off-campus even! Of course I'd offered to "buy the muffin" as we usually meet up in the cooler or the cafeteria... but off-campus... uh-oh, I only had $20 on me... Fortunately he picked Thai food and my car was in good, clean shape... what a wonderful catch up time, productive and enriching. Good talk about my recital, Filipino-American stuff... just good talk, filling for the soul! And the banana-coconut soupy sweet dessert -- wow, was that tasty! And he bought... how lovely was that :)

[So as to not jinx him, I won't speak anymore about the "search" process except that my mother is praying for him to get it so he can for sure help me out. :) Oh Mom... always looking out for me!]

What Kind of Sexy Are You?

You Are Independent Sexy You drive men crazy with your "playing hard to get act." Except, it's really not an act at all. You're a strong, sexy woman with her own life and interests. And it makes men even more interested in you! What Kind of Sexy Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

No surprise there! heheheh (Thanks Stacey!)

So much for Internet Dating...

MWAHAHAHAH!

Budding Jordan cyber love ends in divorce

Yup -- I would've fainted too. HAHAHA

I'm no movie snob!

I see what I want to see, no matter who tells me what.

Guess I had to see The Wedding Date -- which I can't get out of my head...

NICK: Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close... your... eyes. You're safe. You can relax. I'm not going to kiss you. He's gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he'll realize what he lost.

KAT: You're worth every penny. [WATCH THIS SCENE HERE] Mama mia!

Nice pic of Dermot's palm too... Nice hands. Reminds me of two old crushes I had in real life -- Eric Wells and Dustin Halterman, both actors, but worlds and ages apart... that's for another day.

As Tony says in West Side Story
Something's coming,
I don't know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!

Gussied up for Gael

HUBBA-HUBBA! No, I didn't really see him in person tonight, just went to see Bad Education tonight with a girlfriend. What a dreamboat this Gael is. Between him and Diego Luna of "Y Tu Mama Tambien" -- ohfuggetaboutit... I'm cuckoo for these hunky Latin Actors. Good old Antonio (Banderas) of course leads the way, being all the more age-appropriate..."

It's the first Saturday night I've been OUT to have FUN with a FRIEND in a long time... and she since she's been chomping on the bit to try the "other side of the fence" (as in she went to her first girl bar last night), all her energy and "let's just not think and let's dance and be present" vibe has caught on tonight! And I'm so happy, excited... joyous!

1997 is when the world as I knew ceased to exist -- I hit my head on that damn water slide, started up on depression meds, broke up with my first real boyfriend, had lots of stress.

1998 I got fired from my longest job ever (four years). It was horrible trying to make it work, and quite a relief to be gone from an atmosphere I hated.

1999-2001 I worked on "Xena" in an office of five and it was the best thing for me to "cave it" at home, be a hermit, find a world online. I didn't even have a phone. But I did learn to not have to think about anyone or anything else but myself, and that was a miracle -- UN MILAGRO.

Then I found hand analysis, started to venture out, went back to two colleges to finish my degree, had some successes in theater and music.

Now, I'm ready to join the rest of the world again -- I really felt it tonight. All of a sudden there's a new Los Angeles there again, one worth putting lipstick and non-tennis shoes on, blowdrying my hair and finding some earrings...

It's funny, I don't have to date, I don't have to have a relationship. I am beginning to feel normal. Like wanting to wake up before 10, go to sleep before 1:00 am -- join the rest of the planet on the non-vampire schedule. And I'm not getting claustrophobic or panicky about it either... that's such a good sign!

Next week... have to do better checking in with my teammages about my "nanny chores" ... I pretty much sucked this week and even forgot my meds a number of times. Today, I'm going to do better.

Oh just thought of this... because I was in a scheduled chat tonight for Kulik's Krew, I turned my IM on (it's 99% NEVER ON) and lo and behold, I got very cleverly IM'd by a clever fellow in Burbank. Now I haven't played that "hook up" game in a VERY VERY long time, but this YOUNGSTER was a witty one and made me laugh. But eventually I had to leave, I said no... and yes... I FELT THE POWER OF BEING ME by being able to say NO! So wonderful.

As TL says -- you can't say YES until you really can say NO. And what I learned from a Channeling Venus workshop this past week (yeah VIV!) -- I avoid NO like the plague -- but I also avoid YES too. But now the channel's open for any kind of heartfelt decisions -- but only about what's good for ME.

So today I said NO to hooking up -- and I said YES to the rest of my life.

[Oh, and did I mention I'm meeting with my composition professor next week -- I'm attending his public presentation for the interview to get this tenure position and he asked me to come. Bien sur, Monsieur! I'll be there. But better yet, he encouraged me to finish my composition recital -- in case he doesn't get the position, he'll be gone next year, and then where would I be? Oh... hadn't thought of that... so I'm going full-steam ahead... and it feels good to be that focussed!

It feels like when I first moved to NYC -- A Whole New World and Who Am I in it?

Fab Fab Fab.

[Which also reminds me that this week my favorite Bachelorette Couple, Meredith and Ian broke up! Talk about another fairy tale crushed. But at least this time... I'm not consumed with other people's lives... my own (finally) feels so much more important. Yay!]

A Mysterious Kiss

Thanks to Hairy Hoser for this one -- I'm glad you were bored, cause I LIKE finding out I'm "Mysterious!" (And you're "Entrancing"... wow, wonder what your answers were to get that! :)


You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

This one's for YOU, Viv C.

I am SO not surprised at what I scored!!! Only 1/2 my age exactly.

Boy, I'm in trouble.

===

You Are 22 Years Old

22 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

What Kind of Soul Are You?

No energy today at all... but I can tell I'm on the upswing... I actually got a little warm today and had to take off a sweatshirt... very good news.

I used like being sick when I was young because it was the only time Mom-The-Nurse gave us 100% attention. It was her mission to get us well as soon as possible and without getting anyone else -- especially her -- sick. So into quarantine we went... but I'll tell you, that "containing the germs" stuff really works. Sometimes I get shocked -- she can be a straight-out Westernized Registered Nurse who goes to the Tylenol on first sign of an illness, and yet be the most superstitious Filipino woman I've never met ("Say your rosaries. Here's the holy water from Lourdes. Now the asuangs (witches?) won't get you."

Ah, the benefits of cultural diversity.

===

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness. Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul. You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable. Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings. You have great vision and can be very insightful. In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself. Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend. You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer. Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Porn Star Name

I'm sick as a dog today (I live in L.A. and I can't get WARM!) but this one had me howling!!! Thanks to Tasty Stacey for this one -- you should check her Porn Star Name too. Better yet, find out what yours is and tell me! hehehe

Your Porn Star Name is: Rhonda Rimmer

Get your own Porn Star Name

Howdy, Mr. Consciousness!

Hi there Jeffrey,

Well, you can see what time it is... I happened to have gone to bed early last night, but just woke up from this really incredibly dream... of which you were a big part!

I dreamed I was sleeping... just like I was last night (with the light on because I fell asleep reading). But as I was starting to get up I could feel myself asking for my parents... like they shoulda been around or I was living with the or something... but when I woke up I heard someone testing a microphone. Outside my house.

When I opened my eyes, my apartment was empty -- exactly how it was when I first moved in here. I went to the door and it was my friend Parrish and some other Filipino guy I didn't know saying, "Hey, morning sleeping head." When I turned around, you were in the kitchen cleaning up. And I said, "This is weird! Jeff, what's going on?"

Then some other people I know would "pop" in on the floor, and just be waking up... but before I could say hi, they'd disappear again! And I keep saying, "Jeffrey, what IS this? Why are they asleep and popping in and out of my apartment?"

They'd keep popping in and out, and my parents would pop in and out too, but the only ones who'd stay awake and up and about were me and you and Parrish. Every now and then Alan would pop in, standing wide awake... but then he'd pop out again. It wasn't until I heard you say, "Oh, Alan, come on honey, stick with it, it's not that hard" did I get it...

I told you, "I get it, I get it!" When were really come into being our real conscious selves, we pop into Consciousness as adults... we "wake up." And we STAY awake as long as we choose to!"

You said YUP. I got it because you were always "awake" and kept wanting Alan to choose to stay awake, and because he didn't pop in asleep, he was purposely choosing to turn it on and off and you were getting a bit frustrated.

So then I just saw bunches of my friends pop in and out, asleep, starting to wake up, and I'd watch their reactions to waking up to a strange-but-familiar place. Some would cry, some would be startled and shock themselves and disappear back in the ethos in an instant. I also noted people who didn't quite show up at all... and I kept expecting them too... and people who's names I only know through the web who showed up with faces. It was quite the show, these people popping in like bubbles...

But then I said to you, "Is that all there is, watching people come in and out of consciousness?" You looked at me as you finished up the kitchen and were right about to tell me something...

And I woke up.

Weird huh? But not so weird too (isn't it funny how we talk)? I'm gonna probably post this on my blog too... I just want to remember it because it didn't feel like a regular dream... like there was something else to it.

Whatcha think?!

Closer

Went and saw "Closer" by myself yesterday and really got bothered by it. Most of the time I'm in a movie I just take the ride (hopefully there's a ride to take). But sometimes one will hit me weird, funny, in my funny bone I think. Like this is my life, or this is what I want my life to be, or I'm screwed like these people or maybe I just want my hands on Jude Law? Natch.

It's still bothering me a lot... but I'm off to see Million Dollar Baby now. Hope it's good!

Arcane and Mysterious

Upon reading comments on dear Hope's blog, I was excited to hear her say when describing me that I was learning something "arcane and mysterious." Wow, how sexy is that -- reading hands never sounded so cool!

In the same sentence she described herself as a "spinster" -- which always made me CRINGE when I learned it was a LEGAL TERM FOR AN UNMARRIED WOMAN -- but you know, if you're gonna be a spinster, you might as well be arcane and mysterious too!

The first class of this hand analysis year went off spankingly well this weekend, despite my mad dash to complete all our forms, policies, etc. We're in our fourth (and supposedly!) final year and we only lost one person to attrition. She also happened to be Terry-Linn's assistant, so that's been rough on the staff, but we're adjusting well to this new configuration.

This year Terry-Linn has now incorporated The Enneagram in her teachings -- not separate to but as part of the school and our teachings -- to her now, hand analysis and The Enneagram are not separate. I actually learned it first, a long time ago (in a class taught by a NUN!) and I'm just so glad I can speak to both with for friends, family and clients.

So this weekend we combined our first Enneagram class with the Map II class -- and the best part about it was there was a STRAIGHT MAN IN IT! Woohoo! And he sat next to me at lunch and class... and he's such a brat! He KNEW weren't used to having a straight, European guy around and when we asked if his ascendant was in Scorpio (okay, we've got professional astrologers in there too), he said "My ascendent is in Leo, ladies -- THAT'S what you all are feeling" -- I almost spit up my beef teriyaki! But he was right... it WAS really nice. Flirt, flirt, flirt all day long... so glad to know I still have it in me.

My assignment this month (other than CLEANING MY HOUSE and INVITING MY R.C.K.G. TEAMMATES OVER FOR MONTHLY MEETING -- yikes -- nobody's been in here for years...) is to call one of them EVERY SINGLE DAY and tell them what The Nanny has for me to do day.

Every single day. So I don't disappear into the big mysterious hole. Like I did when I went up north... people can't stand it because I'm out of touch... hey, you all got a taste that too :( Basically I forgot any and all of my needs and just fall into the schedule of my family. So I'm not allowed to do that anymore -- I have to call someone and stay out of the depths.

I'm hoping it'll also help me get out of my decidedly UN-arcane Reality TV fix with my a friend last night -- The Bachelorette and Brat Camp, and then the trio on VH1. The most horrible thing was I realized I weighed more than ALL OF THE WOMEN on Celebrity Fit Club. I couldn't tell my friend of 18 years that -- she couldn't believe how large those women were already, and hey, maybe she already knows -- and at another time in my life I would made a big self-deprecating, hardy-har-har joke... but this time, I'm only tell you. :(

Time to laminate Hope's essays on exercise and food and fitness. After lunch.

"Merry Christmas, Darling"

Nothing like the #1 Filipino Pasttime for the holidays: Christmas Karaoke!

"Gulay"

I'm so proud of myself! I actually cooked something Filipino today that I would serve my mom and dad!

I've taken this turn for the good and am trying very hard to eat more vegetables. I feel like I forgot how to cook... so when I was home I made myself WATCH my mother cook and ASK QUESTIONS so I could cook like her -- healthy and quick (she get a delicious, healthy, almost-no-fat meal on the table in 20 minutes!).

Gulay means "vegetables" -- my mother is nuts about them and defines them as GREEN. Unless she's out somewhere she can't get them (like McDonald's!), she has to have veggies at every meal she has rice. She has also passed this to us -- all three of her children have to them at every (rice) meal, and we used to giggle at other Filipino families and what passed as gulay there -- corn, cucumbers in vinegar, coleslaw? Vegetables to us was something sauteed in garlic, onions and tomatoes (or other variants), has some kind of chicken, pork, fish or beef in it, and has lots of sabaw (soup or sauce) to soak onto your rice... yummy!

My mom said when she grew up in Surigao they were so poor they could only have vegetables with their rice, and only ate fish when they could afford to get it (they lived near the ocean but weren't fishermen) and hence is her favorite bayan (spelling? I mean meat/protein and I can't find it in the dictionary) is fish. The only time they would eat chicken or pork was when there was a town fiesta or during the Christmas events. Hence, when she went to visit her sister and other relatives in her small town of Tagana-an and bought meals and groceries and demanded (!) vegetables -- THEY THOUGHT SHE WAS NUTS. She was luxuriating in the variety of greens and fruits she could have there and they were pigging out on lechon (roast pig)!

Today it was just broccoli with chicken -- I was so proud. And after I cooked it all... I wasn't really that hungry and ate very moderately. How did THAT happen?! Maybe that's the true secret of cooking.

Ooh, something fun!

I haven't done a "ME, ME, ME" thing in awhile -- thanks Tasty Stacey!

3 names you go by:
a) Madley
b) Mad
c) Auntie Schmad

3 screen names you have:
a) madkata
b) msmadka
c) a secret one (for talkin' dirty HAHAHAHAH)

3 things you like about yourself:
a) I'm warm.
b) I'm creative.
c) I love learning about, meeting and knowing people all the time!

3 things you dislike about yourself:
a) I'm not self-reliant yet.
b) I'm a vampire.
c) I've only had one real relationship in all these years.

3 parts of your heritage:
a) Filipino (almost all, I never say anything else)
b) Chinese (mom's side, way back)
c) Spanish (dad's side, way back)

3 things that scare you:
a) Water (lousy swimmer)
b) Stupid drivers
c) Airplane turbulence

Your everyday essentials:
a) Protein
b) Water/meds
c) chapstick/lotion

3 things you're wearing right now:
a) sweat pants
b) fleece vest
c) running shoes

3 of your favorite bands/artists:
a) Babs
b) Carpenters
c) Janet Jackson

3 of your favorite songs at present:
a) "Breakaway" - Kelly Clarkson
b) "Popular" from the musical "Wicked"
c) "A House is Not a Home" - Luther Vandross -- ALWAYS LUTHER!

3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
a) Tango lessons
b) Wear a dress again, show some leg
c) A new haircut and start coloring my hair (scary!)

3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given) :
a) Adventure
b) Growth
c) Hella good sex!

2 truths and a lie (in no particular order):
a) I'm used to play Chopin and Debussy
b) I was skinny until I was three
c) I am terrific soccer player.

3 physical things about a love interest that appeal:
a) Man hands, taken care of but not too prissy.
b) Muscles ;)
c) Good hair -- as in SOME thought went into it.

3 things you just can't do:
a) Go to bed before midnight.
b) Get hooked on coffee.
c) A cartwheel.

3 of your favorite hobbies:
a) Laughing.
b) Singing.
c) Knitting.

3 things you want to do really badly right now:
a) Weigh a hundred pounds less.
b) Bulldoze my apartment (it's a mess).
c) Book more handreadings and websites.

3 careers you're considering:
a) Playwright.
b) Composer.
c) Film Director.

3 places you want to go on vacation:
a) Switzerland.
b) Argentina.
c) Russia.

3 kids names:
a) Noelle.
b) Marina.
c) Jacob.

3 things you want to do before you die:
a) Sing in concert with a jazz band or orchestra behind me.
b) Live in another country and speak the language.
c) Leave great works behind and have a wedding (and marriage!)

3 people who now have to take this quiz:
a) Everyone!

Killing the Brownies

Earlier this evening when I was getting chewed out (deservedly), there was part of me that was feeling like I'd been here before... like this situation where I got too critical for people and just fucked everything up.

I remember it now.

I was in the 3rd grade living on Manon Ave in Hayward -- it was overflow Navy housing and we were only going to be there for maybe eight months. I was quickly Miss Wells' pet (but I was humble about it, I swear) and made friends and had crushes... just like most third graders at the time. And I heard there was going to be a Brownie troop starting out in our apartment building. Of course I wanted to join -- and my classmate Kimberly Crowe's mother was the den mother.

So I got my little Brownie outfit and we did interesting things in Brownie meetings, although I remember reading in my manual there were neat things to do like put a big round mirror on the floor and pretend it was a lake and do cool ceremonies and stuff (I guess I was and arty-farty-metaphysical type even back then) -- but our troop never did them. It seemed we never did ANYTHING in the book, although I can't remember what we DID do. Only that was always disappointed (lookie there, high expectations already!).

But when I heard one of the other troops were doing something neato and magical -- I completely mouthed off to Kimberly, complaining about how their troop did this and their troop did that -- and we didn't do ANYTHING like that.

Of course, I'm not thinking, I'm just telling the one of the people in my troop who happens to be in my class. OOPS.

Well, the next meeting felt like death in the room. Mrs. Crowe, Kimberly's mom says, "I hear from one of the Brownies here that we don't do things like the other troops do."

I'm dumbfounded -- what did that idiot girl tell her mother for, I was just complaining! Can't people just COMPLAIN?

Apparently not. She went on and on... the bottom line being, "So we should close this troop down."

I was horrified! I, little ole me, caused the end of my Brownie troop? That was it? Finito? (No, I didn't speak Italian then.) Mrs. Crowe never let on that it was me, but the GUILT -- Oy, the Guilt.

I don't remember if she actually shut it down or I told my mom I wanted to quit... but that whole twist in my stomach happened again tonight when I was told that "if you don't think you can do the work you've committed to doing or feel like it's too much stress for you, THEN YOU SHOULD JUST QUIT DOING IT."

Hmmmm. Not the reaction I was expecting at all!

At least the whole interaction was very adult-like and clear. And I was told that if I keep my boundaries and am direct about my needs and my abilities, then if things slip through the cracks, the potion will land where it's supposed to.

How cool is that... I get to share my frustration, relieve pressure -- and still do my job! And surprise, surprise, the whole world won't come crumbling down on me. I feel really free, to communicate effectively and be myself more and more each day... and I don't have to be mean, nasty and critical.

Thank God. Because I scare me sometimes. If I'm that bad to others in bursts and spurts -- can you imagine what it's like in my own head? Downright ABUSIVE......

A Critical One

Someone got really angry with me today for being hypercritical with a colleague and flipping her out. Fortunately, she told me directly, clearly: "I'm mad at you" and told me why... and I had to admit I WAS incredibly critical and insensitive. I apologized and was forgiven -- and then given tools to "work on it."

My lame excuse was "At a normal job, you get to bitch with your co-workers." The answer back to that was "This isn't a normal job, you're working with people's Life Purposes and Life Lessons, and you don't get to be mean and critical."

I agree. I was out of line. And I am still shocked at how I didn't even notice it creeping up on me... that out of my frustration that I wasn't getting stuff to do "my work" I was shitting on everyone else. That's kinda icky... and even more horrifying to realize that you didn't see it at all.

So now I know how a Seven disintegrates to a perfectionistic and critical One. The fun-loving generalist 7 when under pressure goes ballistic about the most retarded details. Hmmmmm... I think I'll let THAT go.

And I DO get to have my feelings -- of frustration, disappointment, etc. But I was told now to be HAVE BOUNDARIES (i.e. "No, I'm not available to work on that in the morning") and I have to be DIRECT (as opposed to being passive-aggressive).

Boy, I've got a lot to learn. At least it was an emotional bloodbath... now I know how direct communications really works under duress.

The Nanny is back in town

I was so proud of myself to get up, floss my teeth, take my pills and go to the bank before I was to eat breakfast -- obviously, The Nanny (part of me) that knows how to take care of me was sent to Tahiti somewhere while I was at my parents' home.

So I get to the bank, proud of myself that I'm not going to ATMs at night, and wouldn't you know I bounced something again -- SHIT SHIT SHIT! I was so wanting to be on top of everything... AND IMMEDIATELY STARTED TO GO INTO BEAT-UP MODE.

Thank god she's back.

I took my walk and calmed myself down, stayed in the moment -- I'm not gonna die because of a bounced transaction. And we try, try again.

I'm so proud that I walked though -- it wasn't very far, but it was pretty and felt good to move my muscles. During the break my niece and I went twice around the mall because that's what my parents do EVERY DAY and I thought I was going to DIE. Not out of breath, just muscles I didn't know I had. That is SAD.

So I start anew.

How you dress for 85 degrees in January?

I don't know how to dress here in LA anymore!

Coming back from the Bay Area (which BTW, took me 13 hours because of all my naps, plus a crazy wait for the AAA man to jump my car because I fell asleep with the radio on), at the bottom of the Grapevine on the 5 I saw a very L.A. couple (read: blond, good-looking and definitely work in entertainment -- but corporate, not indie or in front of the camera) getting out of their perfect SUV to use the restrooms in McDonalds IN SHORTS. I thought they must be driving north because I was coming out of McDonalds in three thick winter layers. Guess it's hot in L.A.

I haven't gotten in right yet as there's no reason to wear sweats everywhere around town and look like a slob like you can in "winter." But I'm gonna try.

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I saw Hotel Rwanda today with my new member WGA friend -- she got her curly locks hair straightened permanently (for four months actually) and she looks ten years younger and like a million bucks. Getting out of TV production is doing her good... I'm sure The Man -- HER Man is right around the corner!

I liked Hotel Rwanda (I found out that you can't see EVERY movie with a WGA card for free) -- but more than the movie, I LOVED Don Cheadle. I only know him from a couple of things, but most recently from ER as a surgeon who can no longer practice due to MS, and now this. I'm just realizing how wonderful it is to go to a film and not have to be aware of an actor's "baggage." I know nothing about Don Cheadle and when I saw this, he was PURE RWANDAN to me. It was terrific to get lost in a story like that.

And yet, what made me cry the most was when all the whites -- and they called them whites there -- were being evacuated and the hope he had for the West and UN to intervene disappeared. I'm sure there was some good music in there helping out -- but all I could come up with again was: YOU CAN'T TELL ME THERE'S NOT A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING BLACK/WHITE/BROWN in the world, as naive as some of my friends try to make me believe. As simple and good as we are and alike -- I think of Sting's "And the Russians Love Their Children too" -- we, humanity, have the exact same capacity for evil. We have to be aware of BOTH, because to live only thinking people are inherently good is NUTS. Our very existence is based on our DUALITY -- Godlike AND Human.

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Goodness, where did that come from? I slept today at 9 pm after eating and seeing that movie... knowing full well I'd be up in the middle of the night again. Ah well, c'est la vie.

Re: The Aviator -- Cate Blanchett is fantastic as Katharine Hepburn! Made me want to know more about her (Miss Hepburn) -- I'm sure you know I just dive back into the internet after I see a film so I can dig deeper in the why and wherefores -- and I bought her memoir "Me" at half.com for a buck. (I love when that happens.) Can't wait to get it. Oh, and Leo... he really is a Movie Star. Stays out the crap mags and his job wonderfully. Can't believe he's 31 and Cate is 35 -- they looked so mismatched agewise. Hmmmm... maybe I'm just jealous.

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Lastly, I've caught up with three blogs this morning... Answer Girl is so consistent with her movie quotes here were 33 entries to read! Looking forward to the rest... although I don't know if I can do the 62 and countin' from YankeeBob (but I'll try).

Gettin' back on the saddle

And what a big saddle it's become (I ATE TOO MUCH)!

[or is it "back IN the saddle" and "back ON the horse"? I never get those right. In either case, both saddle and horse have become considerably larger.]

I keep wanting to make a big splash of an entry... and thoughts plus words plus typing fingers won't get it together right now! I'm in "input" mode (as opposed to "output" and you can't be in both because then you're in neither) and luck would have it a friend of mine just got her WGA card (Writers Guild of America) which entitles her and a friend to see ANY MOVIE FOR FREE ANYTIME! Woohoo!

Major input time now... saw The Aviator last night by myself (I've been DEPRIVED of film and am weaning off the crap TV), and I'm leaving now to see "A Very Long Engagement." Life's good.

BTW, I'm on bloglines.com so I'm alerted whenever you all have an entry -- OMG, you've been writing -- and living -- a lot! Catching up slowly but surely (input, remember?)... am savoring as I read!

Movie time...

Hey 2005!

Happy New Year everyone!

Thanks so much for your notes missin' me -- it really means a lot -- and I miss catching up with you too. I've been at my parents with that horrible dial-up and slow PC so for the most part I've not been online. And it's been a weird wild ride... I missed Christmas -- as in no presents to give :( and birthdays too :( but a shift's happened somehow for the better.

Will be back in LA (and DSL!) Monday, Jan 10 and back to read up on everyone!

More soon,
Madley

PS Best moment -- taking the niece and nephew for their first bowling game -- and of 3 adults and 3 kids, the FIVE-year-old won! And I'm hooked on all the reality TV marathon shows on VH1/MTV -- Surreal Life, Newlyweds and Pimp My Ride -- thank god I'm going back to no TV soon. :)