John Fugelsang -- NOT "my bad"

[First guy I've ever heard address the phrase "my bad" -- I HATE that phrase, and thank goodness he rolled his eyeballs at that one. I DON'T GET IT...what kind of crappy English is that?!]

Guess my unconscious self got mixed up -- it replaced John Fugelsang with his America's Top Home Video's predecessor, Bob Saget. I KNEW I should've been making out with Fugelsang instead...

Just happened to catch tickets with my writing teacher to see his show tonight, surprising my brother, who happened to be in town on business. It was a good night, and poor Mickey, didn't see it coming -- welcome to my world! I've never told my family about my writing/performance class, and here he is at a cabaret in West Hollywood surrounded by all of us artist types. But knowing my engineer bro, I don't think he felt too out of his element -- after all, he once was an award-winning drummer!

Fugelsang was terrifc (and quite hot in longer hair and jeans -- and a shirt too). I loved the storytelling part because that's what I saw him in first (yeah, remember THAT EARLIER POST). He can tell a story with the best of them... and after enjoying full out characters like that... I didn't want to hear stand up. Set-up/joke, wet-up/joke, set-up/joke... bleech.

I wanna see the guy who's done Hamlet.

Anyhoo, it was a fun night. I could see his wife behind him -- she was enjoying it a lot too -- which is great to see in this town (as opposed to a spouse who's bored to death). I toyed with sending him an "appreciation email" via my teacher (okay, a FAN LETTER), but thought differently when I remembered I was ON STAGE with this guy and we met under different circumstances. You know, we were fellow performers?! [Got to get out of this "fan" mindset...okay, done.]

So maybe he'll find this if he googles himself. ;) John -- great show!

I'm so proud

My wedding present -- this website for Lynn and Stephen.

I love weddings... and this was a joy. If you liked it -- spread the word :)

Kissing Bob Saget

How is it my dreams are THAT much more exciting that my real life?

Getting a powerful environmental message from David Letterman -- about forests, golf courses (?), electronic waste, as well as giving HMOs a chance to do their work... Wacky stuff.

Also, about paying attention to people who have BEEN in earthquakes and floods and all natural disasters because they now real terror... and to love the one you're with.

HAHAHA I'm still laughing at all of this... because in the end I had to learn how to really play golf (not playing at playing golf) so I could be with my Kissing King, Bob Saget. How in the hell did he get into my subconscious? Maybe I shouldn't fall asleep with the radio on.

Whatever it was... it was the best makeout session ever! EVER.

Where in the world is Moldova?

This is such a good game I got from Sp3ccylad... I've finally learned where some countries are!

European Countries - Level Three

I still sucked though -- 31/45 countries right (69%) and 144 miles error. (And yes, I did it twice -- got the same score!)

Try it -- how'd you do?

A Maddening Day

And that's all I'll say about that.

Thank God for a quiz/meme from Stacey, Allie and DevilBoss -- love these pseudo-slambooks, they make me feel so very... youthful. Thanks ladies!

10 years ago I was…
I was six months in this apartment. I laughed when my landlady said the tenant before was here for nine years... I'm not laughing anymore. I was also working for Disney for a Texan named Skip who loved to juggle his many younger Asian lady dates... and was eight months into my first real relationship, that should've ended after two weeks, but instead lasted two years (officially) and two years after that. Hm.

5 years ago I was…
I think I was working for Xena: Warrior Princess. I think. Yeah. Okay, so it was a quiet time.

1 year ago I was…
This is depressing... still doing what I'm doing now... reading hands, trying to finish college, without a man but not really wanting one... but I think I was harder on myself than I am now.

Yesterday I was…
Taking the terrific Alchemy of Love class with the fab Heidi Rose -- the topic was "softening the heart" and was great. Almost as great -- the split pea soup and grill cheese sandwich at the House of Pies afterwards!

5 snacks I enjoy the most:

1. Watermelon
2. DIPS, any kind of dips!
   
3. Chicken wings
   
4. Anything passed as hor douvres, especially at weddings
   
5. CHEESE
   

5 songs I know all the words to:

1. Puppy Love, Donny Osmond (of course)
   
2. It's Too Late, Carole King
   
3. As Long As He Needs Me, from "Oliver!"
   
4. For All We Know, The Carpenters
5. Just My Imagination, The Temptations (good god, I'm a karaoke queen!)
   

5 things I would do with a billion dollars:

1. Buy and furnish a bitchin' house on solid rock with a view and a huge guest house in LA with a cook, a trainer and a housekeeper; a place in NYC and Paris.
   
2. Buy my dad a Jaguar, my mom a daily housekeeper and them a vacation home big enough for them and their friends in Hawaii -- and other fricking thing they want!
   
3. Put lots away from the nieces/nephews (and me); buy houses/trips/oodles of presents for relatives and friends; invest in their cool creative projects
   
4. Travel forever and make films, theater, art
   
5. Build a school in both Surigao and Iloilo, Philippines...
   

5 places ideal for running away to:

1. Switzerland
2. South of France/Italy/Greece
   
3. Paris
4. Russia
5. Manhattan!

5 items you’ll never see me wear:

1. Ruffles
2. Anything midriff-y. Are you kidding?
   
3. Gold
4. A watch
5. Anything itchy
   

5 best TV shows:

1. My Fair Brady, Kept (anything on VH1)
   
2. Celebrity Poker Showdown
   
3. The Apprentice
   
4. Entourage
   
5. Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
   

5 biggest joys in life:

1. My family (shout out to Stephie!)
   
2. Musicals! (immediate tears at the overtures)
   
3. Los Angeles
   
4. Great food, wine and company
   
5. Growing, learning, creating
   

5 favorite toys:

1. The sungka game (shell game) my mom gave me and taught me how to play when I was a kid.
   
2. Adobe Photoshop
3. My high school tiara
   
4. Deck of cards
   
5. Yamaha electric keyboard
   

Love on a Two-Way Street

If you knew that was a song by The Moments, you're an old school gal/guy like me!

MamacitaG posted about Pandora, which is like your own personal jukebox. You put down one song, and it finds other songs similar to it based on musical analysis -- melody, style -- and it just keeps finding more and more stuff all based on one song!

I did "A House is Not a Home" by Luther Vandross -- and I've gone back thirty years thrilled t0 listen to three-minute R&B hits I haven't heard in that long a time. It's terrific... I love trips back like that... especially on our first rainy day in LA.

Clean, blue sky in Los Angeles is delicious.

===

Speaking of "I found love on a two-way street and lost it on a lonely highway"... (okay, bad segue, I admit it)...

The one-week-old crush is over.

Quickest recovery yet.

I learned enough to say "Schwarzewald" (Black Forest), where he's from in Germany... but I realized you just can't "make" people love you, especially if you're not their type... I'll just be a friend for now and continue with my work on myself...

(Go ahead, try it, I dare you. Think of someone who liked you a lot but you couldn't reciprocate. And no matter what they did, how nice they were or how much weight they've lost (!) -- could you like them? LIKE like them -- like THAT? Nope. So it just sucks being on the other end of that equation. Oh well.)

I did have a bottleneck of feelings though, as he brought his "friend w/ benefits" to our monthly end-of-class party... I was a bit shocked, but I didn't feel like the usual loser... just felt a bit sadness, a tad of longing.

So I went to see a nice mushy romantic comedy, Just Like Heaven. Roger Ebert likes it, so I'll go. I take the ride, loving performances by Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo... and as predictable as this movie is (okay, I didn't know exactly EVERYTHING, there was one big surprise I didn't anticipate), at the very end...

Out poured the tears. And I couldn't stop though the entire credit crawl.

It's not often I get "there" about "relationship." I'm too guarded, too full of excuses and promises to myself (when I lose weight, when I finish school, when I get a better job, apartment, life) to be open the possibility of finding a partner/lover/husband to witness all the minutiae that makes up a person's life and make them feel seen and vulnerable and loving...

And as good as it feel to be open for those few minutes, which was spurred by my hardcore, week-long crush... it reminded me how closed I am 99% of the time I am. Open for others... but not for me. So I vowed to stay open. And I've cried just a little bit more.

Flamenco - Tango - Milonga

Weird night tonight -- probably anticipating weird weekend of hand class/enneagram class and full moon. I don't know why everyone's making such a big deal about this harvest moon -- people around me are just a bit TOO AWARE. Weird weird.

This one's for you, Allie -- you probably hate J.Lo, but if you can stand to get 2/3s through the Ain't It Funny video -- take a look at the cajon (box drum) player. That's the friend I was flirtin' with in my Yo Estoy Loca post. Fun, no?

This brings me to tango...and the fab movie The Tango Lesson, a film by Sally Potter. I loved this movie, and one day will learn this dance. But most of all I want to be like Sally Potter, FILMMAKER-STORYTELLER-PERFORMER. Better do it before I croak.

And I remember lending the video to Ilia when he was working on his tango, Seisouso. I know that skate better through the video camera taping him than I do watching it live....

Lastly, I remember I'm in the middle of finishing my own milonga. Can't wait til it's finished... can't wait to share it.

(First things first, Missy.)

Fireworks!

Fireworks!

How fun this was!

And to Allie dearest, who asked the fab question "is this real or a metaphor" -- my answer is I WISH! Really. I wish.

But the NO SEX LAST NIGHT issue aside, I did do some cuddling with Meredith, CJ and Susan at the Hollywood Bowl last night for Fireworks and French music...and yes, it was very, very cold. The temp, not the music. Although three songs by Saint-Saens was a bit much, especially that organ concerto. They had a piano out AND an organ, and I think both players must have played a total of 45 notes. BLEECH.

Anywho, a great time was had by all. We had walked uphill from the church parking lot we met at so the downhill stroll back was just perfect. But this old body was not used to either... and it was great because I fell straight asleep when I got home, no sleeping pill needed at all.

Exercise. What a concept.

Here a few more photos from last night (it was hard to get things in focus) -- if you ever get a chance to go to the Bowl -- you must. And bring a blanket -- and/or a hot fella. ;)

Yo estoy LOCA!

In a message dated 9/14/2005 6:07:48 PM Pacific Daylight Time, Heidi Rose writes:

Did you have fun going out last night?
Love love---

Oh my god, Heidi, I'm crazy!!!

Nuts!

CUCKOO!

Bunch of us went out to dinner at Finn McSomethings (?) Pub -- D.B. Sweeney was there -- he's getting older, but still cute -- and Viv C spotted him first! :)

TL, Claudia (who's still in shock after two weeks having broken up with her guy), Anita, Patric, Viv C, Tracy and Eli. Nice time.

Afterwards, Viv C, Patric and I walked three blocks to a club called Mor that Viv G had disappeared to after the seminar -- it was a $2 cover so what the hey, we went to see if she was still there. She wasn't. It was techno, white people music but loud dance music still makes me want to shake my booty. But we didn't... we just sat for awhile, then walked to Viv's and my car.

And we stood out there in the parking lot -- for at least an hour! Good god, I felt like I was in college again -- a perfect night near the ocean and staying up yakking about sex and drugs and every stupid thing we'd ever done... and the possibility of every last thing in the world... it was all was fresh and new and full of hope...

I could have done him right there. I love cars. I love vans.

BUT I DIDN'T!

At 1:30 I drove him to his car and called it a night.

I was relieved to tell Viv we did NOT make out in the car.

Today, there was a last minute call for Anita's birthday at the Woodranch (at the Grove) where Mer works so she could serve us and give us major discounts. He sat next to me and we split a tri tip salad and a baked potato. TL was shooting me looks. And asks me out loud if we can straighten out money before class. (I still owe her a few hundred.) Good timing, TL. Fortunately she leaves early before I kill her.

At the end of the evening, we walked Anita and Viv to the elevators... he wanted to get a coffee and walk. So we walked.

But first he wanted to go to JCrew. (Not my favorite store. No clothing store is.) So we go in and he's looking for hats. He's looking at stuff... and I say that it would look good on him.

"Hey," he says, "you're flirting with me." (He didn't seem to mind it.)

GULP.

"Yeah. So? Why not?" I'm a Seven after all.

"Why are you doing that?" he laughs.

"Because I can." I have no idea where I'm going with this.

"Oh you can, huh?"

"Yeah! Because you're safe." OH GOD. Did I just tell a man he was SAFE? UGH.

"Safe. Hm."

End of that most miserable exchange.

AARGH! Fortunately the rest of the night was uneventful... he bought a coffee and we kept walking for a hour -- of course I couldn't keep my mouth shut now and I'm babbling at the mouth because I'm trying to redeem myself from "flirting with a SAFE guy."

It finally got cold and he walked me to my car. Big hug. Nice. He was feeling better... really struggling with ego v. core self (EGO is beating the shit out of him in anticipation of parents arrival) -- but was much lighter by the end of the evening because of me.

Nice. Nice to be around a handsome single, straight man willing to talk about life. And not just his.

I can't say I have a crush on him... it doesn't feel like that because I know it's futile. But I like his company... I'll miss him not in class.

But it surely has awakened a "need" -- this autumn that's coming in is hitting hard... like I've never experienced before. Longing almost... like a Four longs but without the deep angst. Melancholy... yet with hope.

Anyway...did I have fun?

Yes. Definitely yes.

The Fat Man Walking

Inspiring and exactly what I needed to hear.

www.TheFATMANWALKING.com

"Walking across America to lose weight and regain my life!"

Sleep Apnea

Dr. Dean Edell mentioned on his radio show that sleep apnea or sleep disorders are more of a result of depression or obesity that actually sleep problems.

Great. After lying in bed thinking I'm asleep for an half an hour, finding out it's only 5:12 am... oh jeez. Maybe I'll just stay up and this headache will go away.

Speaking of Donald Clark Osmond

He was a guest on the health and fitness show I worked on as a Production Secretary (and that's Marion Ross, "Mrs. C" on Happy Days, as one of our hosts).

Yes, this is on camera... everyone in the office knew I had been crazy about him when I was kid, so they invited fellow officemate, Armeen and I to come to the set at the Marina del Rey hotel to say hello.

Well, I wasn't going to meet my teenage idol empty-handed... so I bought I little bouquet of white mums with a big purple flower in it. Like he really needed flowers.

Little did I know that the producer and the crew had a surprise for me -- I was going to get to give it to him on camera! HAHAH I thought I had calmed down after all the Donny Osmond songs Armeen and I shouted/sang in the car... but no, this was absolutely nauseating!

Then all of a sudden, there I am on stage interrupting Marion. How tickled I am! I still look at that picture and crack myself up.

I said something like, "These are for you -- and the there's a purple one in the middle." He said something like Prince has usurped the color purple now... and it was over. Wish I had tape.



We took a picture afterwards, Armeen and I, with the guy I was going to convert to Mormonism for. Ah, the mind of a 10-year-old. But I'll always have a special place in my heart for Donny. Don't you? :)

Headaches

Confession: I wake up almost every morning with a pain-in-the-ass headache. Or two. I can't tell if it's stress, sinus, blood pressure, a bad pillow or what. It sucks.

Fact: I am in the worse health EVER in my life. Last month when I saw the doc I about fainted when I saw what the scale said. And comparing myself to the gals on Celebrity Fit Club II -- well, I should've been comparing myself to the MEN.

Fact: This taking care of myself is for the birds. But one has to do it...no one is forcing my hand to put crap down my throat -- or not to take the pills that make feel so much better. I still don't get it.

Fact: I HATE being one of those people who take pills or vitamins or enzymes or WHAT HAVE YOU at the table. But today, because I was feeling so lousy, I just took my damn blood pressure pill and my anti-depressant (YAY Lexapro) then went to a nice Persian restaurant for lunch/dinner. And there I was taking two acetaminophen (Tylenol) at the table. Not to mention I wanted to taste the persian ice cream -- and I take two digestive dairy enzymes. Oh god, I'm one of those people! How did that happen?!

I will say, however, that the ice cream was really good -- unique! She said it was "Pistache, with saffron and rosewater." Hmm... flowers plus a spice that's usually in Indian food... sure I'll try it. I love green tea ice cream, so I'm easy. And it really is tasty, but I can see how some of my food snob six friends would hate it... too weird. But this is MY gut, and I like it. I said my "Shenorhagal em" (thank you in Armenian -- they were Armenian from Iran, via France and Sweden) and went to get my glasses adjusted at the Galleria.

Fact: My EYES are the worse they've ever been. I know I need a new prescription because I can see better from far away -- but I can't read shit up close. I'm one of those old people who hold their papers a yard away from their face, or just take off my glasses and put my reading up to my nose. Geez. My discount health insurance (best for catastrophic, but shitty for every day stuff like pills, appointments and glasses) doesn't pay CRAP for eye exams... and hell, if I'm getting bifocals, they better fucking look hot. AARGH! I may be biting the bullet on this and asking Mom and Dad for a pair or the cheapest things in the world because historically, my bad eyesight is what has caused me the most headaches.

Fact: I'm at risk for diabetes and heart disease. Today was the first day I actually seriously am admitting it, as much as my mother reminds me of it everytime I'm on the phone with her until last week when I told her she couldn't talk to me about that anymore. And see, Mom... leave me alone for a bit and I'm actually now interested in my own damn health.

I have relatives with both high blood pressure and diabetes. Not immediate family, but next circle out... plus a whole nationality (Filipino) who is susceptible to these things just by their blood type and lifestyle. Great. I have a friend who to test himself everyday and is insulin dependent -- he's half Filipino -- and is so slick about his diabetes you barely know he's doing what he's doing at meals. Except that we're all very aware that we go NOWHERE with out his little blue fanny pack or we'll all be in trouble.

I am not going to go there. Nope.

Fact: I haven't returned for my follow-up appointment with my doctor because I'm too cheap and scared to find out what this damn treadmill test might say. WISH I HAD BETTER FUCKING INSURANCE AGAIN!

Fact: I ate a bit too much at lunch (but not everything :) and kept burping up saffron (that was weird)... and all I kept thinking was I NEED TO WALK. If I can just get this body moving for thirty minutes on a daily basis, I will feel better and hopefully these headaches will go away.

So I went to the park where I used to walk the dogs. And guess what... as much as I used to hate how the dogs would dilly-dally (first part of the walk was for them, the last part was for me), it's really hard to motivate yourself to take a walk in the park by yourself. All these holes in the ground to trip on, someone else's dogs' crap... forget it! So I walk on the street and just concentrate on the pretty houses on the side and the other dogwalkers around, none of whom I know anymore.

(Can I tell you how weird it is to see people out on walks with untrained dogs -- they're practically being dragged -- and smoking cigs at the same time? Kinda self-defeating as me overeating then trying to walk it off, I guess.)

As I'm debating ONCE AGAIN about getting another dog or two... I trip on a pothole and almost fall on my face. Now I have a twisted knee. Lovely. SEE HOW BAD YOU NEED TO GET IN SHAPE? Ugh.

All I keep thinking about is Andrew's website, DynamicFitness.us, that I'm still working on. I need help... and $$ for that help. (I loved having a trainer when I did the "Alive and Well" lifeover but that's another). And maybe I need an IPOD too.

Fact: I might have to go back to Overeaters Anonymous - H.O.W. to get support -- or somewhere. I don't want to do this by myself. Which is funny, and the reason I LEFT OA-HOW before... I lost 1o0 pounds in nine months but didn't feel like I had any ownership of it. Hmm...

Fact: I'm drawn to yoga and tai chi... and according my blood type and every other frickin' book out there, those are the two kids of exercising (plus walking) I should be doing... things that calm me down. Who knew my head held all my stress?!

Probably my astrologer! (I'm an Aries Rat after all.)

Fact: After 30 minutes of walking... I can't find my headache. Very, very happy! Now... out to visit my brother who's in town for the evening... headache-free!

Fact: Gonna find a different route to walk... or at least walk early enough to catch the horses near the LA Equestrian center. Walking as a natural tylenol... loving it.

Fact: I do care. I just have to prove it to myself, right? Right. Moon must be in Cap right now -- discipline is on the table!

My Meeting with Andre

Haven't thought of My Dinner with Andre in years. I was so curious...in 1981 I took a bus by myself to Pasadena's Rialto Theater, one of those really stand alone old time theaters... it was raining and I got caught without an umbrella. (Who needs umbrellas in LA when you have a car... except when you don't have a car?) It was freezing, I was wet, the movie was boring and I snored through most of it. I went a long way for nap.

Anyhoo, had my first appointment with new composition prof, Andre (no accent on the "e") and I have to say, it's so refreshing to start anew. Had a lovely perspective on my Milonga piece and we talked about basics -- dynamics, phrasing, articulation, tempo. Nothing to do with notes -- more pressure relief.

Tell a story. Grab from nature. What's in your surroundings? How can you tell that story excluding pitch?

One of the assignments he gave his Comp II class was to do a study told solely with dynamics. Use the environment...things that are natural to all of us as humans. So interesting! I get to do it too -- it opens and frees me up to think beyond that damn key signature!

He said one of his professors called had said there are two questions you should as yourself as a composer:

1. What is you want to say?
2. Are you doing it?

So simple. And now, Prof Myers, I will always relate it to you saying it.

Relief. Inspiration.

I'm Really a Cyborg

Got this from YankeeBob.




What's Your Cyborg Name?

I love the "Thorough Analysis" part...very me.

Percussion

I'm so happy! I've FINALLY figured out how to do my midi-drum stuff and hyperscribing it into Finale (music writing program)! What a snap...

And to you SCHMUCK or SCHMUCKETTE who is leaving fucking annoying messages here -- fuck off and get a life. I'm watching you.

Better Luck Tomorrow

You were right, Winston. I didn't regret this one bit.

I finally saw the movie this weekend in the middle of the night on cable at L's house because I had gone stir-crazy at during my self-imposed hibernation. (When am I going to learn I'm not a frickin' introvert and I'm one of those people who need people? ARGH. 'Just keep taking your Lexapro, darlin' Madley, and all will be well and not as wanna-jump-out-of-your-skin bad when Catheryn rescued you this morning.')

This movie. Better Luck Tomorrow. Loved it. Visually, narratively, and of course, that it was set in upper middle class suburban straight-A Asian kids who go criminally wrong inspite of themselves. LOVED IT. Have no words...am inspired by seeing faces like mine on screen, beyond tokenism. Kudos to director, Justin Lin. And I loved this shot where "Han" presents a few bill bribe to a liquor store clerk for along with the fake ID of a black man as he's carded. I don't know why, but that made me howl and the guy seem like a cowboy/god/testosterone vehicle. Wow.

And have found a new website and blog by the lead, Parry Shen. After being asked by so many young Asian Americans "how to get in the business," he chronicles his quite legit acting career in Hollywood for them, paving the way. Maybe someday Adrian Brody will be sneaking a kiss with an Asian artist at the Oscars because Parry's willing to be so forthright, funny and honest. Thanks for that, Parry.

And guess what? Donny Osmond is at the end of Parry's demo reel, I kid you not! I'm a Happy Gel.

Donny O. and Catheryn J.

Who knew it would take a newsletter photo of a piano-playing and singing Donny Osmond to inspire me to FINALLY put my midi cables back into my piano so I can "hyperscribe" as I compose?

Never underestimate the power of the first celebrity crush. Thanks Donny O.

And not to be outdone by a grandfatherly Mormon singer, dear, dearest friend Catheryn June dragged me into the greenery of Brand Park and talked me back into my insane self, fed me delicious picnic food and had tons left over energy to be an absolute HIT at Word-O-Rama in Hollywood tonight! YAY! YAY! The woman is a comic genius, and more importantly has both a great big mushy and fiercely passionate heart in there too. So her stories are truly alive, real, hilarious and tender. Think Sally Field in Sybil -- this gal is the tops. Mark my words.

Meme Relief

Thanks, Allie -- this is keeping me from hanging off the ceiling (in a bad way). Something fun, thank God!

1. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR KITCHEN PLATES?
A lovely painted deep blue, green, orange, etc. -- little scenes of "Café Paris" (courtesy Ms. Anita)

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
The Good Girl's Guide to Negotiating

3. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
A wrist pad

4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Life; Rich Dad, Poor Dad's CASHFLOW game

5. DO YOU DRINK COFFEE OR ESPRESSO?
Cappuccino blasts from Baskin Robbins or Starbucks fraps -- anything I can drink out of a straw.

6. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN
THE MORNING?
What the hell am I supposed to be doing today?

7. FAVORITE COLOR?
Purple!!! (Yay, Allie!)

8. LEAST FAVORITE COLOR?
Brown

9. HOW MANY RINGS UNTIL YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
Four -- I usually screen.

10. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
As in my next lifetime... Noelle or Jonah. Shocking, I know, that I'd pick something so biblical.

11. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
Chocolate

12. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST?
The fastest that is almost legal but definitely safe

13. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?
Not yet. Getting close.

14. DO YOU LIKE THUNDERSTORMS?
Yes -- I like to be inside and off the road. Cuddled up would be nice too.

15. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?
A 1976 Opel Manta was the first thing I could drive (and makeout mobile); for my very own was a 1976 Plymouth Arrow

Hey, what happened to 16?

17. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?
Yes

18. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Musical Theater Triple Threat and Independent Film Director

19. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY COLOR HAIR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
What it is now without the white.

20. IS THE GLASS HALF FULL OR HALF EMPTY?
Always full...unless I feel like shit because my lexapro's not working. (Try being more consistent, girlfriend. Now get off your own back.)

21. FAVORITE MOVIE?
A Little Romance / The Princess Bride / When Harry Met Sally / Dead Again. YIKES.

22. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
Yes

23.WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
New carpet

No 24

25. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Figure skating

26. YOUR SINGLE BIGGEST INTENSE PAIN?
My body

27. PERSON MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Didn't email it, just blogged it. Hey CJ, you're up!

No 28

29. KETCHUP OR MUSTARD?
Mustard most of the time, ketchup for fried stuff and eggs.

30. HAMBURGER OR HOT DOG?
Toss up, depends on mood.

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?
I usually say Fall, but that sounds so depressing...so I'll say Spring.

32. THE BEST PLACE YOU HAVE EVER BEEN?
Can't think of one place right now. Not one.

33. WHAT SCREEN SAVER IS ON YOUR COMPUTER RIGHT NOW?
Mad Hot Ballroom

34. FAVORITE FAST FOOD?
Anything I can drive-thru

TAG -- YOU'RE IT!

And now it's begun

I got up at 4:50 pm dragged myself to the music department's "mixer" get together today at Oxy. It starts at 5:00, so I'm obviously not doing too well...I called a friend to bookend it -- you call to say you're doing something difficult, you do it, then you call back to say you did it and debrief -- because I really thought I was going to puke.

I had to meet the new composition teacher, the one who was chosen over my dear professor Bruno, the one who looks like he could have been born in the 80s. If I didn't go to this, I knew I would be in big trouble for the weekend of "Labour Day" -- with the "U" in there, HH!

Just breathed in real deep and let myself be present and open. Objective: say hello, introduce myself, don't be too self-deprecating, tell him who I am and my circumstances, and make a point to see him next week. Other than than, JUST KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT, I AM OKAY.

One last breath and walk into the quad...and I get the warmest welcome and hug from the orchestra leader and conducting professor! The man who reamed my ass a few years ago because I hadn't got my piece and the parts to him quick enough for his people to rehearse (ooh, I deserved it though). What a shock...really happy to see me.

Then right away I connected with the lovely class piano teacher, whose class I took from to pass piano proficiency from. So lovely...we talked about hand analysis, web design, music... so encouraging and a very wonderful woman.

We eventually ran made our way to Prof Myers, the composition guy... and he couldn't have been nicer and more encouraging! I introduced myself as The Oldest Senior You're Ever Meet (he did assure me that he had been born well before I started Oxy in 1978, but I'm thinking maybe two years earlier at the most!). Poor man, he's only been in California for two weeks so I'm sure he was shell-shocked, and he's obviously the youngest man on the team here...but he is very, very nice. I asked about office hours and class times (if I wanted to be around other composers) -- but even as I write this, I don't want to use my time like that, I need to focus and write.

I told him that I needed to finish so my mom could die in peace and not have to haunt me to finish the darn thing! HAHAHA, I thought.

"Nothing like a little pressure." Calm. Grounded.

"I know."

"But you know, we'll just focus on the work. That's how things get done."

RELIEF.

That's it, plain old relief. Focus on the work, stay in the moment, and that's how things get done. This can work. I AM OKAY!

I left him with an assurance we'd meet next week, and proceeded to get another great big hug (when the hell did I get so "huggy" I don't even know!) from my prof buddy Simeon, who promised me we'd BOTH graduate this year as he was in the middle of writing his dissertation at UCLA. I also met the jazz improvisation teacher (how cool is that?!) and the new electronic music teacher, a very beautiful woman, strangely enough. (And yes, they did have to split Bruno's job in two. ;) Feeling very comfortable as I walked with Simeon out to the parking lot, and relieved that the "hello" from my advisor, the department head, went okay as well.

And who do I see in coming into the parking lot area to get his car? The Man himself -- Bruno, looking fantastic -- happy, healthy, relaxed, in his skin. He obviously didn't mean to run into all of us -- and I was feeling incredibly disloyal in being there NOT to see him -- but he sure handled himself well as everyone, EVERYONE was waving hello and warmly greeting him as well (except for... well, I best leave that part out). And the new comp guy came by too, and there I was standing with my composition professors, past and present. (Did I mention that I'd also said hello last year -- and hugged! -- my first professor from 1980?! His wife and Bruno are good friends (she's the French prof and it's fab to hear them speak French) and she's been one of his best supporters through the whole tenure search -- so I guess my world is just coming together, eh?

(I love that I'm saying "my world" again about college, about Oxy. Again, more relief. More comfortable in MY own skin.)

Anyhoo, assured that I'm not on his shit list (why would I be that?! Au contraire, I'm on a GREAT list with Mr. Bruno), I left, happy, with a worldwind emotional breakdown working it's way up the further west I drove on the 134...

Called dearest Heidi to bookend and just get support, but those tears wouldn't fall. That's okay, it's just okay to feel... good.

I'm going to take myself to see The Constant Gardener, which Heidi and Andrew say is terrific, and will give me a large perspective. I just want to see something GOOD, something GROWNUP and ADULT, to be inspired by good work and be taken away by a story and to visit another world (Kenya). Hand Teacher calls it "filling the well."

So I've begun. (And yes, that's the piece I'm working on now :)

Happy Birthday, Jeffrey darling (almost forgot!)

Love, love, love you --

Madley :)

Del Taco, 7-11, a Weed and a Walk

I knew I was going to come home from Del Taco and write here because I thought the highlight of my fucking horrible day was sitting there in the parking lot enjoying a fish taco and a bean burrito with green sauce and sour cream, listening to George Noory talk about past lives. Yum. And watching the people at the 7-11 across the street on Alameda and Glenoaks -- in 15 minutes about 25 people went in there and hey, I would've joined the party if I wasn't braless, in my pj bottoms and hopping along in bedroom slippers. How white trash is that, and I'm not even white. My mother would be screaming already: I didn't raise you to be like that! Well... using the word I hate... WHATEVER.

Ends up I had two cappers -- coming into my home was I've finally smelled the night blooming jasmine! Oh god, I can eat that stuff... I can't inhale it deep enough!!! It's just that lately I've had these sinus headaches that render my tiny-ass nose passages absolutely useless... so it was great to smell it again.

But before I went into the house, I saw that in my little 3' x 6' front garden there was almost a five-foot tall WEED peeking out from the middle of my jade plants that I'd never noticed before. Obviously, I've not been outside hanging because it's been too damn hot... but I saw that plant and fucking used all this pent up crap/rage inside of me and yanked that sucker into the air and smack into the green recycling bin. YAY! Victory for me: "Out, damned spot!"

Then what did I arrive to after my repast at Del Taco? A phone call from an IM friend, Sergio. A nice 26-year-old sound editor from Peru that I've spoken to on the phone before...he lives on my street, unbelieveable enough. We'd IM'd for a few minutes earlier tonight...and we finally did it: we met on the corner and took a 30-minute night walk. How great was that, I miss strolling around in the middle of the night...no dogs, you see. Nice fellow, with the whole world just looking at him straight in the face. Next time we talk he'll probably be in Africa travelling, or India... until then, I may have a walking partner at weird times of the day (you know those editor types). Very, very nice.

Now, why was today so bad?

* Physically, I'm worn out. I really think I'm going through peri-menopause because of these damn night sweats. I also wake up all energized at 8 am, then am useless by 4 pm, put my head down for 20 minutes and wake up 3 hours later and I'm wasted for the night. My head hurts because of PMS or high blood pressure or sinus shit and I am the fattest/heaviest/ickiest I've ever been. I also need bi-focals or something because I can't see worth crap and reading is a bear.

* I'm more distractable than shit now. A phone call, a question, an email and I'm not writing music. It's finally bothering me that I'm not taking care of myself this way and I wonder why I can't say NO to anything, I'd rather treat myself poorly?! This, my friends, is BULLSHIT. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC...

* I haven't finished this one website, and finally got reamed in the ass about it. As embarassed as I am about it, it feels impossible to finish. And I've involved other people too... I promise and promise and I'm just such full of shit. So tonight I'm putting the timer on to work two hours on it, and it'll be done, I know it, and I'll check in. I can't stand how badly I hate myself for this.

* I took on a transcribing job to help out a friend but and for the $$... but I'm not a good transcriber. I'm not that fast so I end up making like three cents an hour... and this piece of shit interview (actually I don't mind the woman as much as my friend hates her), is taking forever. It's a waste of my time, it's under deadline and taking precedence over EVERYTHING. SO.... I've sworn off of them. Never again will I do a transcription. Ever. Not even my own. I just KNOW the universe has SOME OTHER SOURCE OF PROSPERITY out there for me that's not connected to earphones and a foot pedal -- I HATE THIS!!! Never, never, never again!

* Been having dreams about Mom being gone, so I called her this morning. She's fine. But I know what set this off: when I left this time, she asked me if they got sick would I move up there with them. I'm like, "What? Are you planning on getting sick anytime soon?" And she continues: "Would you let go of your apartment?" AARGH! I'm just willing to let go of you financially, damnit, don't be dragging me back in!!! I can't stand the fact that I'm the assumed one to take care of them, which is the tradition I GUESS in Filipino families since I'm the single one... but since when have they been so traditional?! LET ME GO or I'm going to have to move to fucking Switzerland. And then what do I get? DREAMS OF HER DEAD and me having to take care of my dad, while she haunts me (a la the terrific TV show Providence) about how I'm not doing anything right. AARGHGHGHGHGHGHGGH! Okay, breathing, breathing. Everyone is healthy and okay... even me, so I'm letting this shit go.

* I hate that I'm an Enneagram Seven and that I have no focus, no follow-through. Hate it. (Hey, have you ever played the game Typer Shark?!) So this Labor Day Weekend I'm planning NOTHING with anybody, and I am going to LABOR. I'm starting to panic about this recital, and I don't want to do that -- I want to finish it feeling good. So for this big chunk of a weekend... I'm GONE and into the world of composing. Otherwise I will be impossible to be around. Seriously. IMPOSSIBLE.

See you Tuesday.