"What Dreams May Come"

When it first came out, this movie was a MUST-SEE for me... and I didn't want to see it with anyone. I knew it would be deep... really deep... and I didn't want to have to worry about anybody else's reaction to it but mine.

I do that you know: worry about other people one zillion times more than I do myself.

I'm at my parents home right now in Newark, CA up in the Bay Area. I feel safe here -- real -- or is THIS the fantasy world? I can never remember... and right that movie is on again and means even more to me now...

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I've fallen into the pit again. Hard. I can't even write about it right now, except that in writing class I found out -- very viscerally -- how incredibly angry I am. Deep, intense resentment and agonizing anger... and it has to come out somehow. Now. Or I will die... I know this now.

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I am going to commit to writing in this blog at least once a day for the next 30 days -- until May 6th. I may lose what readers I have with my pissed-offedness or incredible self-absorption... but I have to start somewhere, and this feels like the best place. There are so many lies I've told myself... and I can't do it anymore, I'm all twisted up in them...

So maybe I'll be as prolific as Yankeebob or L I P G L O S S or I may whine for a month or I may write stories that may actually qualify for SOMETHING in my new writing class. I just want to get out of my own little hell.

So here's one truth: I miss my doggies -- both Tyler and Yvette -- so very, very much. I lost my little family...

...and I feel so, so alone. Last night my friend Lu let me spend the night... thank God... and finally, as I typed this... more tears. Those are good, not stuck in me...

I can't believe how empty I am...

Thank you all for your kind thoughts... you can't know how much it all means to me.