Forgot I had this!

Yvette in her favorite position: snoring like her Mama!

Everything is a little "off"...

It's presently 3:43 am and I slept for exactly 35 minutes. UGH.

Everything is a little off right now... my sleep, my check book, my house, my feelings, my body, my pills... EVERYTHING. This has got to be the worst time of the night... too late to call people on the west coast, too early to call those on the east.

I actually feel a little bit out of my head right now. Did I take my celexa last night? Today? Are the antidepressants running weak now or do I just need to be more consistent? Of course, it's consistent... why can't I do that?

Thank you to everyone with your kind words about Yvette... oh, I'm so tired... So out of it...

Yvette Patricia Sedayao Katarungan -- R.I.P. 3/25/05

My dearest sweet and scrappy pug Yvette died today, Good Friday and a full moon. Here's her pic again, taken three weeks ago on March 1st:



I'm getting all teary again... but I need to remember it all before it slips away.

Today I got up early to pack up a lot of old furniture and things I wanted to donate to a yard sale benefit for a friend. After days of rain and gloom, this morning was glorious, so I let Yvette "sunbathe" in the driveway while I did some packing up and moving out. She loves doing this at Mom's house, so I know she was a happy camper!

I brought her in, gave her some water and put out her food, she drank and lied down in the kitchen as my friend Anita and I loaded up her truck. As I was closing up the house to get ready to leave, Yvette let out a weird wail... she was lying near the fridge so I quick looked to see what was wrong... maybe a nail got caught, maybe something else. She stretched out but that sound was weird... I don't usually pick her up, but I did.

"Yvette, baby... what's wrong?" She was a bit glassy-eyed and her breath was a different smell... I just thought she was sleep dreaming with her eyes open.

And then she peed on me.

"Anita, my dog just peed on me! She's never done that before." I put her back down and she just lay down quietly as I changed my shirt, turned on the stereo, locked up and left for the day.

===

When I got home this evening, I called out to her... but she doesn't usually come out right away because she was hard of hearing too. It’s usually not until my AOL hollers, "You've got Mail" does she make herself known from her special nooks and crannies in my bedroom.

But I went straight to the kitchen to put some leftover lunch food away... and there she was on the kitchen floor. I nudged her teeny bit with my toe: "Yvette, wake up, I'm home!" Then I noticed her eyes were open. She wasn't moving, she wasn't breathing.

Dear God.

I grabbed the phone and called Anita at home: "Anita, Anita, Anita!" Started to breathe harder when I got her voice mail. Called her on her cell phone. I picked up the phone went out on my front step

"Hello..."

"Anita, Anita..."

"Yvette's dead," she said.

"Yes, yes!"

"I had a feeling... I had a feeling."

And then I had a huge cry…………

Anita calmed me down enough to find out her vets name and location. My other friend Catheryn was calling me back because we'd been talking in my car. She immediately got my address, Mapquested me and the two of them showed up within 30 minutes with a towel, a box and sheet. I’d waited in my good neighbor Carl’s house for them (it was past 9:30 now)… he reminded me that Yvette and Tyler (my other dog) were lucky to have had such a happy life with me! Of course I could only think of all the things I could’ve done better……………..

I had had a mini-bottle of wine with Catheryn waiting for Anita… it was a bit surreal to see them with a small box and loading up Anita’s truck. Then it was time to get me a bag – or rather a basket of laundry – so I could spend the night with Anita across town. But first to take care of Yvette…

The two cars went to the Eagle Rock Emergency Vet where Anita had talked to a woman about prices for different services. An entire family speaking Spanish was waiting for word about their pet when I young vet tech came out. Anita was so calm: “We called about a dog that just passed away.”

The young curly haired man started rattling off some prices for all the different things we could have done: “expensive” for cremation, the $20 was for us to keep the dog until tomorrow, you have to arrange everything yourself with the cremation company… oh it was better to do this and that and not preferable to do this and not that…

We all must have looked stunned because he finally gave up and said, “You spoke to a woman? Let me go get her – I don’t work up front so I don’t really know all the prices and such.”

Good, good riddance. (I swear I’m sending a letter to make sure you don’t EVER greet anyone at the front desk, EVER.)

The other vet tech came out quickly and was very empathetic – perfect technique for this line of work. “I’m sorry, it’s so sad.”

The fellow took Yvette into the back. “Do you want her collar?” he came back asking. The answer was no – Anita had already taken her tags off for me, but I couldn’t keep the collar, it was too much. But I did give her a plastic rosary my mom gave me: “Keep this with her, please.”

And that set the tears off again.

In the background I’d heard that the family waiting was going to have to pay $3,000 for some procedure… OMG, I was lucky with Yvette… nothing major throughout her entire life. Another family came in with their little funky spaniel. I said, “Lookie! Their dog’s alive”…Which let loose more waterworks.

===

Made some cathartic phones calls and am writing here at Anita’s, falling asleep at the keyboard… I had so badly wanted to take Yvette out for a walk in the full moon but I guess she had other plans for that. And Mom’s silly phrase she’d tease me with because I STILL wasn’t married came back to my head: “Full Moon, Empty Arms.” Now it’s taken a different meaning… just a big empty ache in my gut.

Tomorrow I will deal with my reactions to Yvette’s passing and my empty apartment. Something about hoping she’s seeing and hearing and running around with a full-nosed Tyler sunbathing all day… that will let me to sleep tonight.

Good night, sweet pug. I miss you so much already.

Happy Good Friday...

...well however it "happy" it can be for Good Friday...

Had a most cathartic weekend in hands -- our teacher said "no more holding of this" you have to work on your Bitter Pill ("the burden of expectation from your family of origin") -- but now personified in you, not just a "theory." UGH!

I knew it was Matt!

And yes, I'm happy about it! :)

Bien Sur!

You scored as French. You should learn... French. Maybe you'll move to France or a fomerly-French African colony. Even if you won't, you're up to the challenge. Learn French! Chinese 80% French 80% Latin 67% Spanish 67% Arabic 53% English 33% Japanese 20% What language should you learn? created with QuizFarm.com

A Burbank Sunset and An Enneagram Three

I had a lovely tea yesterday -- the teeny sandwiches were delicious and they had Earl Grey decaf... I was in heaven as I browsed a book there about... Having Tea.

I finally got relaxed but was too ancy go home (read: still a bit not in my skin; read: hungover) -- so I took a little drive to the highest point of Burbank to the Castaways restaurant parking lot. And as my friend R does because Viggo M says: "Shoot into the light and see what comes out." (Okay, R, maybe I paraphrased a bit!) But I'm so pleased with my first experimental digital picture!

Realized then that I was ancy because I was doing any of my OWN work... music or writing or anything. Need to do that after (hand class) this weekend. Seriously. If I'm really an Artist... I'm rotting right now...

Speaking of rot, all this week I've been trying to chase down some Enneagram THREEs ("The Achiever") for our panel this weekend. The one good lead I got from my previous Enneagram teacher and another good friend from class -- she was a student and even a teacher of The Enneagram. She finally responded to my careful request -- no greeting, no salutation:

I'm not interested in participating in your group.

YIKES! That was rough and cold. I winced -- but I'm not surprised. She's a THREE after all.

Go ahead and take the free, five minute QUEST Test at the Enneagram Institute and which you are (more important is the NUMBER, not the NAME):

1 = The Perfectionist
2 = The Helper
3 = The Achiever
4 = The Individualist
5 = The Investigator
6 = The Loyalist
7 = The Enthusiast
8 = The Challenger
9 = The Peacemaker

Lemme know your number...

A Cup of Tea

I feel like crap today. It's a beautiful sunny, in the 70s day in Los Angeles... but because I drank a whole stinkin' bottle of wine last night my body is rebelling like a son-of-a-bitch.

Lonely, tired and feeling pretty sorry for myself. This is truly 22-year-old behavior and does not behoove "a lady of a certain age." (I'll have to remember that "next time.") And the recovery time... is a waste of time.

So I'm forcing myself to get out of the house. No pressing matters right now so I'm gonna do nice and ordinary things -- deposit a check (I did a full paying, amazing hand reading last night! YAY), get my glasses adjusted (I look like a moron the way their hanging off my face) and actually go to Lisa's Tea Treasures in the Galleria and have a nice, civilized cup of tea with scones and little sandwiches, etc. Yeah, that sounds good.

The Contender -- OMG

OF COURSE, I had to watch all the video clips of it on yahoo.com... there's lots more "exclusive" and extended clips than The Apprentice! (WHY do I know that?!) Whoever thought to put this show on after The Donald last night was a genius.

First of all, they had a one of the exclusive clips of Jonathan (the black guy from the East) and his wife and her having her baby a couple days later -- they had a baby girl (I think they have 4 girls now and 1 boy). He told his little baby that he was now going to go downstairs and take a picture with a shotgun so he could show that picture to the boys that take her out that they better bring her back just the way she left... it was so cute!

I also didn't know that he was incarcerated for armed robbery for two and half years, and that's when he changed his life around. What a guy, I can see him becoming a preacher after all this.

And Jesse (the white guy from the West) -- he's just a country boy. So humble, it really was refreshing!

The coolest thing, Jesse and Jonathan actually liked each other -- goofing around before the fight and they had a lot of respect for each other -- also great to see. Jesse is such a good, good guy... but the funniest thing is an extended thing when they were eating with George Foreman -- George asked if any of them had kids. Jesse said he had two babies, but he didn't marry the mama -- he said, "Why fix what's not broke?"

To which George said, "You know I'm a preacher, I'm a Reverend and I've done lots of weddings. So when you get ready to marry her, you just call me up and I'll do it -- I'LL TIE THAT KNOT SO TIGHT..." LOL!!!

But you know what they didn't show on air? Jonathan, who lost, said Jesse came into the locker room right afterwards and although he didn't need to -- he gave Jonathan Reid and his family HALF of his purse that night. "He didn't have to do that." Jonathan was really moved.

Man, I am so hooked on this show. Mlle. L, next one's this Sunday, at 8pm. You might have company that night :)

Couldn't resist this one

Okay, YankeeBob, how is it you're such a slut?!

What a funny test -- go ahead take it. And tell me if you're more of a slut than I am! (I'm actually quite pleased my score is so low -- Yay!)

Just click on the photo...

Nostaligic about Iliushka

I'm about to go into an online Board of Trustees meeting for Kulik's Krew, Ilia Kulik's Official Fan Club.

(Yes, we take this very seriously, so don't get started with me.)

This is the beginning of our 7th year with him... last weekend was the yearly breakfast/brunch/lunch (whatever he can make) with us on the east coast, and our members were quite pleased. He's so nice to have them, and he never forgets his Krew.

I've since taken a minor role in the club, but since I was there from the beginning, I'm waxing a bit nostalgic. So here are a couple more photos...


This is the first time I ever meet him, back stage at the San Diego Champions On Ice show, 1998. He had a picture of me and my dogs (!) so we could find each other (we'd been emailing/phoning already, arranging for the big LA party in his honor the next week).


A week later at the Anaheim show. I just got into the habit of kissing Olympian figure skaters, I guess (more on that later)!


Two months later in Marlboro, Massachusetts we have another shindig for him after a benefit he does in his former US hometown. What a great smile -- a "real" happy smile :)

Okay, can't resist:

Silly me, silly Philippe at Ilia's party in LA. Can't resist the French -- c'est impossible!

Oops, now I'm late for the meeting... Poka!

Flowers -- and tiny bit of a tiny house

I wanted to take pictures of the flowers from Heidi -- and found myself in the mirror... so here's a teeny bit of a house that has potential. Kinda like me. ;)

I Belong in '77

Got this from Yankeebob -- not a surprising answer considering I graduated high school in 1978... and I was even trying to "out figure" the quiz!

You Belong in 1977

1977 If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good!

What Year Do You Belong In?

You're right, Allie...

...they care about ME, not my house!



I didn't get a whole lot done after I hurt my back... so I just swallowed it and made myself BREATHE. These gals are healers, after all, right?!

Heidi came first with a big beautiful bouquet of roses and gerber daisies that were pink and purple and the color of her website because she was so proud of me! I only had two chairs set up because the living room wasn't done, so she sat at my desk and started looking around...

And I realized "Hey, it's kinda nice to show people things I have in my house!" I've got to remember that -- I'd forgotten!

The two Vivs were stuck in LA Marathon traffic, but when they got here, I guess Yvette went into shock with all the activity in "her" house, she proceeded to leave two little "presents" at the front door just to greet them! Dear old Yvette.

Well, what I realized with these lovely ladies is -- this is a frickin' process, and them coming over was just a first step. So next time is someone else's turn, and I hope it'll come back to me and I can let them into my bedroom and bathroom!

Then my plan: we drove to Starbucks down the street and had our meeting there, snacks and coffee on me. That's where we took the above picture.

Now, it's take it easy time... until this back gets better.

Thanks everyone for your good wishes... I'm so glad I barreled through that... and kitchen still looks great, I'm even cooking (quickly) in it tonight! :)

Esoteric Astrology

In the meantime... I finished Heidi's website -- I'm pretty proud, and learned a whole lot too!

Heidi Rose Robbins, Soul-Centered Astrology

Enjoy :)

Anticipation... AND I PULLED MY BACK!

My Team -- the RCKG girls, my hand analysis 4th year support group, is coming over to my frickin' house in one hour and ten minutes... and I feel like I'm gonna...

cry. die. lie. sigh...

Oh all of those stupid words that rhyme.

I flaked out last month, but hand teacher said, NO, you have to keep your word and you have to struggle with the shame this whole thing has brought you.

I haven't had anyone to my house (other than my next door neighbor out of emergency and Shaun who doesn't care) in I don't know, two years -- and that's because D. came over and painted and redecorated with me and it was decent for a month.

I don't even let my parents in anymore. They stay at the Ramada Inn.

So I don't know why, after knowing for two weeks they were coming, I think I'm gonna get it ALL DONE IN ONE DAY. Nutcase, not based on reality at all!

Reality is -- I cleaned my desk and my kitchen (same area), I'm proud of it. :)

Reality is -- I f*cking pulled out my back and I can't do much more.

Reality is -- they're coming in, I will die, and then I will take them all to Starbucks down the street, my treat and they watch me wail.

UGH...

As I would tell my "people" -- the only way around it is THROUGH IT. It may not be fun, it may not be painless -- BUT it's MOVEMENT!!!

X Marks the Spot

Stolen from Stacey/Devilboss/Monkey/YankeeBob...

The X's/bold are the things I have done!

( ) snuck out of the house
(X) gotten lost in your city
(X) saw a shooting star
(X) been to any other countries besides the United States
(X) had a serious surgery
(X) gone out in public in your pajamas
(X) kissed a stranger
(X) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
(X) been arrested
( ) done drugs
(X) had alcohol
(X) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
( ) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
( ) made out in an elevator
( ) slept in an elevator
(X) swore at your parents
( ) kicked a guy where it hurts
(X) been in love
(X) been close to love
(X) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
(X) been high
( ) skinny-dipped NO WAY.
(X) skipped school
( ) flashed someone
(X) saw a therapist
( ) done the splits
(X) played spin the bottle
(X) gotten stitches
(X) had an IV
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
(X) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(X) gotten the chicken pox
(X) kissed a member of the opposite sex
( ) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car (well, I was driving it... BAM!)
(X) been to Japan
(X) ridden in a taxi
(X) been dumped
(X) shoplifted
(X) been fired
( ) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(X) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(X) stole something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(X) lied to a friend
(X) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
(X) been to Europe
(X) slept with a co-worker PLEASE!
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
( ) saw someone die
( ) been to Africa
(X) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(X) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(X) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(X) Met someone in person from the internet DUH!
( ) Been moshing at a rock show
( ) Cut yourself on purpose
( ) Been to a moto cross show
( ) lost a child
(X) gone to college
( ) graduated from college
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself
(X) taken painkillers
( ) love someone or miss someone right now

A One-Question Quiz

I got this from YankeeBob, whose result of this quiz was quite frightening... ;)

Go ahead take it... it's fun/funny! [I like being "Spank Me Pink"!]

You are

What Rejected Crayon Are You?

Pug Mug

My little blind bandit's mugshot:



Just got a new-to-me, used digital camera -- of course, it's hard to get my sweetie pie to look straight in the camera. (And yes, she's old -- I got her in 1997 and vet says she's about 14 (she was a rescue from Little Angels Pug Rescue here in L.A.).



I had a dream back then I had a pug named Yvette... so I went out and got her :)

"Event Planner" -- NOT

I'm in the crappiest, creepiest mode right now -- which is a bit weird since I had such a fantastic weekend learning about Esoteric Astrology with dear friend and expert Heidi Rose Robbins and then watching the Academy Awards a great party and winning $43.00 (okay, so I put in $37.00 to bet with, but it was fun winning it back!). I met some incredible people, did a lot of business, collected some $$ (yes, I am remaining incredible vague about details right now) -- the point is it's been lovely. I guess it stands that there's a 50/50 chance things could look up after that...

Anyhoo, I had a dream I was a substitute "Event Planner" for something happening in Los Angeles -- the original planner fell through and I happened to be there so, "Hey, let's get Madley to do it, she'll do anything!" UGH, I HATE THAT! I had to learn some weird folk dance to be on stage in six hours -- did I tell you how much I HATE those "actor's nightmare" dreams where you find yourself on stage in front of an audience and you have no bloody idea what you're supposed to be doing?!?!?!? ARGH!

So that's Part I -- learning this funky folk dance. Part II -- I'm in charge of the TALENT for this event... for some reason, I personally have to get Lionel Ritchie and Tom Cruise to the same event and prep them for two different entrances... AND I BLOW BOTH OF THEM, just a little tiny bit. (Did I mention before that although I'm really good at working with the Talent -- front of the camera, on-stage folks -- as well as high-level executives -- that I can't BEAR to do it anymore? Unless I love you to death, I don't want to "anticipate anyone's needs" anymore. BLEECH. I did that as a job for too long already... NO MORE!) Not enough that they hate me or I ruin the event -- just enough that I'm shakey about every little decision or choice I make about EVERYTHING.

Ah, well, that was the answer to that, now wasn't it?

One more thing about working for TALENT -- I can "anticipate their needs" and I have no judgment about their concerns or worries as crazy as they may seems -- because I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE TALENT. And their job is to BE talent, and whatever they need (short of being illegal), is what they need to do their very specialized job of BEING TALENT. No judgment there. But I'm not gonna doing that for a LIVING anymore... especially when I need to be in that seat myself now. UGH. (Okay. Talent Rant OVER.)

Right now, I'm furious -- two and half days out of town and my new seedling of a business is kicking my ass. This morning has been all about all one client... one who I've been originally a "trade" agreement with now, but now we're paying each other. Or rather, I'm paying her, but I'm a retard (sorry, that's not PC, but I can't think of a better word) and haven't been billing her... so of course I'm resentful about not getting my due... AAAAARHGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Whew, that felt better. I'll do my paperwork for her today and check in later. It really sucks to feel this bad. Especially since in reality, my life really is the best it's ever been.