When I Die

When I die, I want your hands on my eyes:
I want the light and the wheat of your beloved hands
to pass their freshness over me once more:
I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep.
I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want you
to sniff the sea's aroma that we loved together,
to continue to walk on the sand we walk on.

I want what I love to continue to live,
and you whom I love and sang above everything else
to continue to flourish, full-flowered:

so that you can reach everything my love directs you to,
so that my shadow can travel along in your hair,
so that everything can learn the reason for my song.

-- Pablo Neruda
to his beloved wife, Matilde
Love Sonnet LXXXIX

===

It's been a hard few weeks, as the fall wimpers into Los Angeles and things begin to change.

I'm not one for poetry but somehow ended up with Ten Poems to Open Your Heart in my possession. This poem did not open my heart -- IT CRACKED IT WIDE OPEN.

I still cannot read the first line without my guts flayed on the floor -- I cannot imagine that truest love there to close my eyes when I pass from this earth.

And that's what's so sad -- to know and finally admit that I want love that hard and that lasting -- to not have it now wrestles me to my core.....

Yet some very strong and knowing women encourage me to read this poem every day... to flex this open heart, and to keep it wide open. Love will come, they say. We promise.

And so I begin again:

When I die I want your hands on my eyes...

Just friends

Can't describe myself any better right now.

gapingvoid.com

Loved or Crushed?

"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving."

--Paulo Coelho

The Alchemist

So tired from this weekend still, and catching up doing paperwork, web work, emails, thank yous, etc. Will post about that intense experience soon...

Right now question on board:

Can you truly be "IN LOVE" if the other person doesn't love you back?

HAHA Isn't that a silly question for someone my age to ask? I guess you would say that if my age was all you knew about me, but not if you knew my true experience with this topic... close to ZIP.

So of course I ask it like a 16-year-old would. So... CAN YOU?

Maybe it's just a "crush" -- as intense as it seems -- or the eternal "unrequited love" --

A mighty pain to love it is,

And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain

And nothing like these feelings to make you feel ABSOLUTELY STUPID.

Quick update: Guy A and Guy C are still good, good friends. Will probably remain that way for a long time. Guy B? Well that's the volatile one right now... and also probably will continue to be. Funny, a friend asked me if maybe I should be a polygamist, that I like having these fellas to juggle in my head, or perhaps the drama of it all.

And I'm like, POLYGAMIST?! The thought of being married to One True Love already makes me nauseous -- how would I ever handle THREE? hahahaahahah

I think about the article below (Inner Gold) about projection... and that's what it could be with this Guy B too, I don't know.... bleech! (More code-talk, I know. Sorry.)

In any case -- I really want to know your thoughts:

Can you truly be "IN LOVE" if the other person doesn't love you back?

Creaky Old Bod Weekend

Recovering from THIS:

Travis at FPAC 2008

More soon... (whew.)

Inner Gold

My friend Nancy just called me with this and about made me choke (the good kind -- thanks, Nance):

"When we awaken to a new possibility in our lives, we often see it first in another person. A part of us that has been hidden is about to emerge, but it doesn't go in a straight line from our unconscious to becoming conscious. It travels by way of an intermediary, a host. We project our gold onto someone, and suddenly we're consumed with that person. The first inkling of this is when the other person appears to be so luminous that he or she glows in the dark. That's a sure sign that something is changing in us and we are projecting our gold onto the other person.

"When we observe the things we attribute to the other person, we see our own depth and meaning. Our gold first goes from us to them. Eventually it will come back to us. Projecting our inner gold offers us the best chance for an advance in consciousness."

[cut]

"The exchange of gold in a mysterious process. It is our gold, but it's too heavy for us, so we need someone else to carry it for a time. That person becomes synonymous with meaning. We follow him with an eagle eye wherever he goes, his smile can raise us to heavenly heights, his frown will hurl us to hellish depths, so great is the power of meaning."

Robert A. Johnson
Inner Gold
Understanding Psychological Projection

Get out of the house!

A bunch of little errands to run before tomorrow's festival (some of my best friends now work at Kinko's LOL) -- anything to keep my mind off my own hypersensitive shit with me and HIM.

Ugh. I want to wallow in the "Going Out of My Head" and "Hurts So Bad" lyrics -- but I've been counseled that

(1) I didn't do anything wrong, so
(2) don't take this "pulling away" personally
(3) if this is a long haul, then it's a really just a bump in the road
(4) any change sucks
(5) gotta accept where you are so it doesn't suck so bad, and
(6) Cher's "Strong Enough" is a bitchin' revenge song (thanks, Prince :)!

AAARGGGHH! (Fucker. Just had to say that. My "spidey sense" is up way too strong right now.)

Tonight I was told to blog about 25 things I want to do before I die -- so I'm gonna FOCUS on that for a bit, on ME, instead of... oops, almost slipped there!

In the meantime, here's Cher's rad video:



"Strong Enough"

I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no one

I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?

'Cos I'm strong enough
To live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath
And then walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

So you feel misunderstood
Baby, have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
You don't wanna hear about it

I've been losing sleep
You've been going cheap
She ain't worth half of me it's true
I'm telling you

Now I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

Come hell or waters high
You'll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, it's true

I'm telling you
That I'm strong enough to live without you
Stron enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath
And you walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

Out of Focus

How can I be so damn busy and yet accomplish absolutely nothing? Can't concentrate on anything, can't make a decision, don't know what I want -- or too afraid to even desire...

Have a big weekend for the Festival of Philippine Arts and Culture in San Pedro. I keep thinking I'm not ready, but heck, I'm not talent right now so what do I have to worry about? Or rather... I get to worry about everything else BUT. Logistics, etc. FUN!

I need new glasses. I need to see clearly again.

Where Do You Start?

Since I'm not in the (self) rule-imposed August -- I'm going to let myself put some lyrics down.

Found out some real news... real evidence about him... my heart has cracked wide open AND IT FEELS BAD.

Him.

I can't keep my proverbial shit together... I'm going to have to hang out at Kinko's or somewhere all night because I know I'm not sleeping right now, I'm too angry, too hurt, too lonely, too afraid...

I bragged once that I'd rather learn to walk into a situation with my heart open and willing -- and then if it doesn't work, then I will just be building a stronger (heart) muscle, right?

Well, I was an idiot because I don't know how I'm going to get over this one. I'm never opening up my heart again. Never like that again. I can't. I don't think I'm that resilient.

Brad, dear wise Brad, had said to me many times that when he was in love he felt like he was the King of the World, and he loved the way it made he feel like he could do anything...

So is the opposite also true? That you are nothing when love disappears? Because that's how it feels.

Mike Valentino, I could use that hug right about now.

Where Do You Start?
from Michael Feinstein's "Isn't It Romantic"

Where do you start
How do you separate the present from the past
How do you deal with all the thing you thought would last
That didn't last
With bits of memories scattered here and there
I look around and don't know where to start

Which books are yours
Which tapes and dreams belong to you and which are mine
Our lives are tangled like the branches of a vine
That intertwine
So many habits that we'll have to break
And yesterdays we'll have to take apart

One day there'll be a song or something in the air again
To catch me by surprise and you'll be there again
a moment in
what might have been

Where do you start
Do you allow yourself a little time to cry
Or do you close your eyes and kiss it all goodbye
I guess you try
And though I don't know where and don't know when
I'll find myself in love again
I promise there will always be
A little place no one will see
A tiny part within my heart
That stays in love
With you.