Mad's Mad World

"Love You Madly" -- my new theme song :)

2011-03-01T21:41:00.000-08:00

Sung by the incomparable Miss Ella Fitzgerald (thanks for the heads up, John) -- "love me, right or wrong!":

Love You Madly

Discombobulated

2011-01-06T04:20:00.000-08:00

Fell sleep at 6:30 this morning, then shot out of bed at 8:45 wide awake, energetic. Maybe it was just manic. God "said" get your ass to church so I was there in 20 minutes.

The rest of the day is haze. Got in a mess with my dad (absolutely my fault), and I've been sitting in the muck of it (after the apologies, head hangin' low and giving each other space -- AKA avoiding the hell out of... well, you know).

That's when I realized I've let myself slip again -- not taking care of myself, not paying attention to my own wants and needs. Like not taking my meds consistently since Simbang Gabi. I could be reacting physically to not having my drugs, not eating right, and definitely not moving.

No wonder I feel like crap. Put an emotional conflict on top of that? I just want to run. Or hide. Or both. Hence today's tweet:

Simple Blessing #6: Driving around at 2:45 am, listening to LA talk radio, thinking (or not) and just being my old vampire self.

I don't like that "ME" much anymore, but tonight... it was like an old comfortable pair of sneakers. I just want to get out.

The Bonfire

2011-01-02T12:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, New Year's Day, my whole family sat around a huge round table at dim sum (love those tables -- there's no head/hierarchy), happy and full. So I took advantage of those sated stomachs to tell them how special it was for me that we be together, all 11 of us, at least one day a year. Especially since the kids are starting to go away to college.

Brother1 asked Niece1 which college she wanted to go to so he would know specifically what college to light a candle for. She balked and didn't want to say, to not jinx it or raise everyone's -- including her own -- expectations.

But Brother1 insisted: "I don't want to have to light 15 candles!" (for all the schools she applied to). She finally admitted her #1 to a school in SoCal (yay from me!).

Then Sis-in-Law2 (her mom) says, "What about Nephew1, so he can get into BCP (high school)?"

Bro1: "I'm sure he's already a shoe-in, so he doesn't need a candle."

Me: "We'll just light a match for him then." (LOL. Later Nephew1 asked if he could at least have a lighter. Sure, Dude, you can have a lighter!)

So then I add: "Since we're all lighting candles and matches -- I want you all to light an extra candle for TWO things for me this year--"

Bro1: "A BMI of 30?"

(Ooh, he's quick.)

Me: "You got it, Bro1. Actually I only need to get to a BMI of 35, but more importantly, I want a kidney this year, and I want the transplant. I'm finally ready -- and I really need to have my life back, wherever that is."

Sis-in-Law2: "Okay, that's good, 'Day -- yes, of course! And the second thing?"

Me: "Well, as you can see, there are only 11 people around this table. If you notice, there's someone that's missing..."

One of the kids: "You want a dog?"

Um, NO. Not now, anyway.

Sis-in-Law2: "Ah... You want to get married!"

YIKES. I immediately back off (that fear-of-commitment thingy rearing its head): "I don't have to get MARRIED, but after all these years, I finally want to find my life's partner--"

"We're gonna need a bonfire for that."

Thanks, Bro1, ya got the line of the night. The tabled roared -- and I still giggle when I think about it. :) But I don't care... a bonfire IS what I probably need, and the bigger the better. Truly.

So... I'm thanking you in advance: please find a BONFIRE to light -- for me, my kidney and my man.

A Mellow Merry Christmas

2010-12-25T04:11:00.001-08:00

Who knew when I went to the first St Edward's Simbang Gabi five years ago I'd be conducting the choir... and my life has made a huge shift...

Simbang Gabi has ended and I have to be at the Hall to rehearse for our last mass. Christmas morning mass, which I didn't expect to have to do... but we're making it easy... we sang most of this yesterday.

Why mellow? Hm... my heart hasn't been this open in a long, long time. To combine it with (1) impossibility, (2) a core issue about myself, (3) this incredible Filipino music (4) and this creative project ENDING...

I can't keep myself together, it really has been so long. Tears won't stop... And I can't tell if it's better to stay closed and cerebral or be this open and raw...

What a blessing and miracle to have this Simbang Gabi choir experience. Thank God.

Kevin's Yearbook Ad

2010-12-09T16:57:00.001-08:00

Write Now

2010-11-30T03:03:00.000-08:00

"If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which one has imagined, one will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." -- Henry David Thoreau

I wish I could remember where I heard this -- a man on television said it, and I forced myself to remember SOMETHING about it until I could get to a computer. All I remembered was "common hour." Well, good enough for me for now :)

I decided to write again after a year and three months. Lately so many of my friends have become terrific blog writers (Heidi, Andrew, Meredyth and yes, my brother Jeff as well), I didn't think I was anything but drivel. Fancy layouts, Google Adspace, insightful philosophies and observations. etc. -- I thought to revise mine and maybe try to make money? Get lots of hits? Get known? Meet new people?

Natch.

All I needed was to read that someone else was very purposely using their blog as a journal, for nobody but themselves. Now THAT'S me! I've been trying to "live in the now" (thanks Eckhart Tolle) which means I've got a memory of sieve. So... my blog is here to be my memory.

(Where did I hear that line: "I'll be your memory"... ah, Nick Nolte in "The Prince of Tides.")

She cooks? She cooks!

2009-09-20T16:17:00.000-07:00

I just finished making a Tomato Feta Pasta Salad (by Ina -- we're on a first name basis now, ha) and it tastes fab!

Shocked? You should be because I haven't set foot in a kitchen (to prepare a real meal other than sandwiches) in ages. But now, out of necessity -- my taste buds are bored w/ rice everyday -- I dared.

It also helps that Mom announced a few weeks ago that she was bored with her own food. So enter Miss Creativity completely motivated by an palate-adventurous set of parents (aka "an audience"). Now cooking sounds fun as fun as it looks on the Food Network or Anthony Bourdain, and I only committed to one night a week. (Today, Sunday, was an exception... I got inspired going to the Newark farmer's market.

I've done two Wednesdays now, and both were successful: they liked it, they ate it, and nobody got sick. Well... sorta. Mom's tummy didn't like the mango sorbet we had for dessert (too sour) -- sorry, Ma.

First time out:
Bruschetta apps
Roast Chicken (can't find the recipe)
Moroccan Pilaf (Emeril)
Green beans
Mango sorbet

Second time:
Caprese apps
Salmon with Lemon, Capers and Rosemary (Giada)
Oven Roasted Red Potatoes w/ Rosemary and Garlic (Paula)
Asparagus
Vaniila ice cream

How fun that I have (well, we all have) access to delicious recipes from the coolest chefs and you can search for everything online (I only search for EASY things for now, and desserts? Hm... not quite ready for primetime yet).

I'm having fun for now, and I don't feel like a nerdy-birdy in the kitchen anymore. Mom leaves me alone and she has practically everything I need, though I did find a mini-food processor on sale today -- and it's mine all mine!

Dad keeps asking for mungo -- a Filipino bean dish that I've never cared for -- and I keep telling him NO WAY. I'm not going to make them food that they make themselves, otherwise what's the point?! Then he teases me: "Are we having spaghetti tonight?" because that's all I'd admit to knowing how to make over the years. NO DAD, WE ARE NOT HAVING SPAGHETTI!

Wednesday's coming up and I don't know what I'll make yet. Yummy... got any easy faves for me? :)

Hey, I can dance!

2009-09-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

Never looked so lithe before (Thanks Janis)!

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Just a man. Just being polite.

2009-08-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

"Just waiting for Anna."

Bullshit.

2009-08-28T11:09:00.001-07:00

<-- (That's his avatar for Yahoo Messenger -- funny, for being someone so goddamn uncomfortable in a tux, he sure likes the way he looks in it, huh? S.O.B.)

Hey there Missy,

Re: the used bookstore: Funny, I can picture being IN that bookstore, but not the name of it -- sorry :( It was in North Hollywood though (I think!).

I'm pretty shitty right now... had to go to dialysis three days in a row because my machine wasn't working... what a pain in the ass. And you're right about it all being a motherfuckin' comedy -- but it's just not funny to me yet, so definitely not write-able. It will be, I'm sure. Someday. Maybe even soon.

Gotta go through these stinkin' stages of grief or something -- and today, boy did I walk into something retarded that just FINALLY made me MOTHERFUCKIN' ANGRY! (I keep typing that and I think "Missy will know whether or not this is a hyphenated word, two words or a compound word -- or if it even motherfuckin' MATTERS! Yikes.)

In any case, thanks for talking me down a tree the other night... now I'm up another one (The "You-Fuckin'-Loser-Asshole-Person-With-A-Goddamn-Fucked-Up-Thinking-With-Your-Penis-Brain" Tree. Ah... now that feels better. :)

Anyway, like I wrote today: When I get all sappy/sad/sucky, I remind myself that "I" was the one who cut and run and there was a reason for it. So THERE! Hello Me.

And now I'm going to sleep and dream my some wicked-ass revenge nightmares.

Have a good weekend :)
Me

When by some Miracle of Miracles...

2009-08-26T05:21:00.000-07:00

Still raw. Did I make a huge mistake?

Look at how he looks at her
Will someone ever I look at me that way-
Full of all the feelings and the soft
Unspoken words that lovers say?
I thought that I knew ev'ry single
Look and sweet expression on his face,
Yet this is one that I don't recognize,
Although I've sat and studied him for hours.
But now I see how love completely occupies
A pair of' eyes...

See the way' they gaze at her,
Like slaves they follow every where she goes.
Do my eyes forget themselves
And do I ever look at him
And smile in such a way
That what I'm feeling shows?
Sometimes I have the feeling
Everybody knows...
And even though it's crazy,
Still I can't help wondering
If I'll ever live to see the day
When by some miracle of miracles,
He'll turn around
And look at me that way!

Need You Now

2009-08-20T19:45:00.001-07:00

I will be going back to the Bay Area -- the scene of the crime -- in a few hours and I'm feeling super-anxious and moody about it all. Did this week away help? YES... and I'm grateful to my hosts. Am I "done"? No frickin' way.

Just heard this today back from dinner -- it's perfect.

Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one I’m a little drunk
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Wishing on a Star

2009-08-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

Funny, this song was always about me and Matt T's song in high school. We were never boyfriend/girlfriend... but very good, good friends who got together a lot. :)

When I came back my first Christmas from college, I threw a Christmas party at my mom's house, and yes, I wanted it stacked with more dudes because I was a selfish -- or probably more to the truth, insecure -- chick back then. Ended up there was about 15 guys -- and TWO, count 'em TWO girls there! So basically it was a non-alcoholic cocktail party w/ the fellas -- OOPS.

Now I don't know how my little brother Jeff knew this, but I heard him tell his fellow 9th grader, Archie: "Hey, watch this." And he put this song, Wishing on a Star" on the stereo.

Like a magnet, wherever Matt and I were in the house, we zoomed in on each other at met in the living room to slow dance. (Remember those, SLOW DANCES? LOL) And then I heard Jeff say to Archie: "See, I told you."

That memory always makes me smile... Hi Matt T, wherever you are.

But now... yeah, it's a Brad song. Wherever YOU are.

I'm wishin' on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishin' on a dream
To follow what it means

I'm wishin' on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishin' on a dream
To follow what it means

And I wish on all the rainbows
That I see
I wish on all the people
Who really dream

And I'm wishin' on tommorow
Praying it'll come
And I'm wishin' on all the lovin'
We've ever done

I never thought I'd see
A time when you would be
So far away from home
So far away from me

Just think of all the moments
That we spent
I just can't let you go,
For me, you were meant

And I didn't mean to hurt you,
But I know
That in the game of lovin',
You reap what you sow

I feel it's time we should make up, baby
I feel it's time for us to get back together
Make the best of things, oh baby,
When we're together,
Whether or never.

I feel it's time we should make up, baby,
I feel it's time for us to get back together
Make the best of things, oh baby,
When we're together,
Whether or never.

I'm wishin' on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishin' on a dream
To follow what it means

And I wish on all the rainbows
That I see
I wish on all the people
We ever greeted

And I'm hopin' on all the days to come
And days to go
And I'm hopin' on days of
Lovin' you so

I'm wishing on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishing on a star, oh oh,
And I wish on all the rainbows that I see--

I'm wishin' on a star
To follow where you are...

Dreaming

2009-08-19T11:27:00.001-07:00

I thought I'd be blogging everyday for 30 days here so as not to whine, cry and obsess to my friends on Twitter and Facebook... but it seems I can't really do that here either. I sit in Sacramento w/ my dear friend, and I tell her I can't think of anything else or talk about anything else because I'm so aware of how frickin' BORING it is. She tells me that's why I'm here, and that's why SHE'S here... but still, I'm sure even the bestest of friends can only take so much... hell, even if "Brad" himself were reading this now, he'd be screaming UNCLE right now to stop this boring shit...

No matter how much I try to distract myself or keep my mouth shut though... it all comes out in my dreams. Every time I sleep I've dreamed some heavy-ass story. People say I'm "having a meetin' with all the important players" or "Your subconscious mind/spirit/soul is processing all this in your sleep because the awake you cannot handle it." I know he'd think that was a good thing, because he knew how little good, quality sleep I get... he'd say I was getting good REM sleep in those ZZZZZZZZZzzzzz... but this morning is the FIRST TIME that HE was in it. Funny, I've even dreamt about Brad Jr., but never him.

Only in this dream... he was the Brad I knew in high school. Not today's Brad, who's 6 ft/240 and built like a football player -- but Brad at 15, 5 ft tall/74 pounds. Maybe that's because that's who I really see, the heart of the young Brad to whom I was so special back then... but I digress.

Triangles... this dream was all about triangles. I was going to try out a new therapist, but she ended up being my old therapist in Beverly Hills that I adored. But in the huge waiting room, there were lots of people there to see her... I was there after working out and showering in a co-ed locker room (wow, that's weird) and I found out there was an older woman who was going to see Dr. Therapist because she and her girlfriend were fighting: she wanted to be with ME. Huh?

I was there because I was struggling the triangle between Brad and his soon-to-be ex-wife who still owned his heart... and he was there because of his issue with her... vs. a new, hopeful life without her. Funny it wasn't between ME and HER, it was between HER and HIS NEW LIFE... and I was a part of that.

The waiting room was crazy. Watching it I thought "Is this a frickin' clinic or what -- what happened to her Beverly Hills office?" Young Brad was clinging to me, sitting really close, while the lesbian woman kept trying to talk to me, with her girlfriend in tow. At one point I stood up and told her I wanted to be with HIM, and then he stood up too and grabbed my hand... and we were almost a foot apart in height, and his hand was smaller and delicate, not like the strong, earthy, working man's hands I know and love today. That kind of shocked me... BUT I DIDN'T CARE, and gratefully, neither did he... and he climbed up on a step, got to my height, and kissed me in front of her.

"She's choosing me," he said to her. "So leave her alone."

Then I got called in to the therapy room. Dr. Therapist wasn't quite ready for me... but I didn't care. I had it all figured out already in the past few minutes: I didn't believe in triangles. Period. "Love on a TWO-way street" as the old R&B classic goes, not a lonely (or three-lane) highway!

It felt great to "meet" you tonight, Mr. Brad. I miss you.

Muli

2009-08-16T16:11:00.000-07:00

Thank you for this and the loose translation, Inday Perlita.

Araw gabi, bakit naalala ka at di ko malimot limot ang sa atin ay nagdaan
(Day ang night always remember you and couldn't forget what just happened)

Kung nagtatampo ka ay kailangan bang ganyan, dinggin and dahilan at ako'y pagbigyan
(If you're not feeling well, you don't have to act like that but please listen to my reasons and give me a chance)

Kailangan ko ang tunay na pagibig mo dahil tanging ikaw lang ang pintig ng puso ko
(I needed your sincere love cause my heart is only for you)

Hahayaan mo ba na maging ganoon na lang - ang isa't isa ay mayroong pagdaramdam
(Will you just leave it like that - needed to express words to each other)

At kung nagkamali sa iyo patawad ang pagsamo ko, tayo nat ulitin ang pagibig natin ngunit ikaw lang at ako, ngunit ikaw lana at ako...
(If I did something wrong, forgiveness is being requested, let's start all over
again in terms of our relationship but it should only be you and me... it
should only be you and me...)

Bakit di pagbigyan muli and ating pagmamahalan, kung mawawala ay di ba sayang naman, lumipas natin tila ba kailan lang...
(Why don't we give our love another chance, it will be a total waste if we're going to
just end this relationship considering our recent, happy past...)

2009-08-11T03:45:00.000-07:00

Oh God... grant me the serenity...

I miss you, I miss you. I MISS YOU.

I never had it so good before... and yes, of course I'm grateful.

But it doesn't make me miss you less.

I let you go and am letting us both off the hook. And still, for today... I pray you come back to me.

What are you doing the rest of your life?
North and south and east and west of your life?
I have only one request of your life
That you spend it all with me.

All the seasons and the times of your days.
All the nickels and the dimes of your days.
Let the reasons and the rhymes of your days.
All begin and end with me.

I want to see your face,
In every kind of light,
In fields of gold and
Forests of the night;
And when you stand before
The candles on a cake.
Oh let me be the one to hear
The silent wish you make.

Those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes
In the world of love you keep in your eyes,
I'll awaken what's asleep in your eyes,
It may take a kiss or two...

Through all of my life...
Summer, winter, spring and fall of my life,
All I ever will recall of my life
Is all of my life with you.

As quick as it came...

2009-08-11T02:58:00.000-07:00

It's gone.

I didn't even get a chance to blog about him, my "Guy A" or (pseudonym) "Brad." I wanted to be in the moment, not put labels on it, enjoy where we are -- where I was. There are a few pictures, but our world was made mostly of long powerful talks -- and quiet caresses.

This week was so powerful... two days in the City, and a Saturday afternoon with old, old friends. and kind of an official "coming out" as a couple... again, I've never done that before. It felt right, it felt good. To be part of a twosome, to do my social flitting-about at the Reunion, but to come home to his table where he and his son were quietly enjoying themselves as well. And for the first time, he called me his girlfriend. Why did he do that? We never talked about our status... I thought we agreed to stay in the "Now." But that afternoon, I heard him say something about his "girlfriend" -- and he meant me.

But my best memory is feeding him a few spoonfuls of my Tomato Bisque soup at dinner. How intimate that can be -- that was a shock.

I'm not willing to live
Blinded by another lover
who leads me on
'Cause they know just how to give
Just enough to get what they want
And then they're gone

Well I've been there and done that before
But this time I'm going through another door
Give me something real now
That I can feel now
Hit me with a love that won't let go
If you're gonna choose me don't refuse me
Baby, show me what you've got
And give me something real.

True love has no disguise
You shouldn't have to make your feelings a mystery
There's no room for surprise
Not inside a heart that's aching for honesty
'Cause I've followed illusions before
But daydreams don't do it for me anymore

Give me something real now
That I can feel now
Hit me with a love that won't let go
If you're gonna choose me don't refuse me
Baby, show me what you got
And give me something real
We can share a feeling so rare
Let's make a love of our own

What's past is past
So let's make this last
Show me what I've never known

Give me something real now
That I can feel now
Hit me with a love that won't let go
If you're gonna choose me don't refuse me.
Baby, show me what you've got
And give me something real.

If Only For One Night

2009-08-10T01:16:00.000-07:00

PAIN, PAIN, PAIN... and a heavy heart. Slicing up my arm is less painful that this.

Can one really be in love with the "idea" of a person and not what's really in front of them?

Today... I'm a fool.

Let me hold you tight
If only for one night
Let me keep you near
To ease away your fear
It would be so nice
If only for one night

I won't tell a soul
No one has to know
If you want to be totally discreet
I'll be at your side
If only for one night

Your eyes say things I never hear from you
And my knees are shakin too
But I'm willing to go through
I must be crazy
Standing in this place
But I'm feeling no disgrace

For asking......

Let me hold you tight
If only for one night
Let me keep you near
To ease away your fear
It would be so nice
If only for one night

I tell you what I need is
One night, one night oh (and oh, oh)
What I need is
One night, one night
Of your love, of you love, of your loving ooh
I'm asking...

Let me take you home
To keep you safe and warm
Till the early dawn
Warms up to the sun
It would be so nice if only for one night

If only for one night
If only for one night
If only for one night, night, night, yeah one night
If only for one......... night

Talk about "Technicalities"...

2009-08-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

This sh*t is hard.

"Blue" Zucchini

2009-07-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

So much to yak about re: the 50th Wedding Anniversary Party and that will come up in another post.

In the meantime, here's a little after-event giddiness from Mom, who loves anything a little bit "blue." :)

Dialysis at Sea

2009-06-23T13:10:00.001-07:00

At lunch just now I was excited to tell my parents that there are cruises that have dialysis centers in them, but mostly for people who do peritoneal dialysis, not hemodialysis like what I do.

"But, can you imagine! There's a whole cruise line for dialysis, it's called Dialysis at Sea--"

"Boring."

Wow... deflated.

"Thanks, Mom. Way to kill any kind of enthusiasm. What do you think, it's just a bunch of sick-ass people lying around getting dialysis on a boat? Forget it."

Sigh. I'm on my own here.

The Proposal

2009-06-22T23:45:00.001-07:00

Cute movie... and funny, I actually believed Ryan Reynolds was a cool guy (as in "not a jerk").

Much of the movie was shot in Alaska... which was the second time Alaska came up for me today. I've been looking for SOME PLACE TO GO, and SOMETHING TO DO to veg out after this July 11th event of my parents.

Mom suggested Hawaii, "because if we go there, you won't have to pay for anything." I quite nicely told her the vacation was to get away FROM THEM. With a smile, of course.

Another friend came back from Mystic, CT and I looked at the blue water photos from the Inn at Mystic -- such a deal for midweek, but I'd have to haul ass across the country. Don't know if I have energy for that.

Mystic made me think of the water though -- and Lake Tahoe. Thought maybe it would be the right speed for me to go by myself for awhile -- a spa sounds incredible -- and maybe have a friend or two join me later after I decompress?

But then my Physician's Asst at dialysis today said there are cruises that have dialysis available on them: I looked up Dialysis at Sea and a cruise around Alaska came up in July! That might be the answer.

It just looks so peaceful and maybe a good place for an old single gal like me to take it easy. I'll let you know.

PS I had to double up on my anti-depressants today, and yes, it's getting that bad.

Happy Father's Day

2009-06-22T01:30:00.000-07:00

After a great Father's Day lunch w/ Mom, Dad, my brother and his in laws, I uncharacteristically decided to go to the 6:00 pm mass.

Fortunately, the hymns were easy to sing, the church wasn't crowded, and the priest spoke clear English. Had a very calming effect on me.

At the end of the mass, Fr. Jim asked all the fathers to come up for a special blessing. Up they all went: 18-year-olds who barely have facial hair to hobbling black-haired old men with inch-long silver roots; they were white, black, Filipino, Indian, Mexican... they kept coming up, surrounding the altar, these fathers that we were to honor...

And I wept.

My body shook, overwhelmed by the humanity of it all -- these men who raised and loved us, made mistakes and made us strong -- walking up to be applauded and blessed. Although my dad wasn't there with me just then, the spirit of fatherhood took over me... generations past, generations to come...

How grateful I am for the fathers in my life: Dad and my brothers, grandfathers and godfathers who have left this plane, and fathers separated from and missing their children. What responsibility you've chosen to bear! May you always know how truly important, respected and loved you are.

All the Way

2009-06-01T01:24:00.000-07:00

My dad has a Frank Sinatra CD in the car I use to go to dialysis every other morning at 5:30. Nowadays this is the song that's in my life and running through my head.

Ah, life.

[I wish I could find him singing the long version on video -- this is the short one.)

All the Way
(S. Cahn, J. Van Heusen)
[Recorded April 29, 1963, Los Angeles]

When somebody loves you
It's no good unless he loves you all the way
Happy to be near you
When you need someone to cheer you all the way

[Chorus:]
Taller than the tallest tree is
That's how it's got to feel
Deeper than the deep blue sea is
That's how deep it goes if it's real

When somebody needs you
It's no good unless he needs you all the way
Through the good or lean years
And for all the in-between years come what may

[Bridge:]
Who knows where the road will lead us
Only a fool would say
But if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you all the way all the way

[instrumental-last two lines of Chorus]

So, if you'll let me love you
It's for sure I'm gonna love you all the way all th

$5 Y'all

2009-03-23T02:36:00.000-07:00

Now THIS is the Travis Kraft I know. HEEHEE

From my new pink camera

2009-03-12T03:25:00.000-07:00

I like this pic of my mom relaxed and in a funny mood...

===

All is well with me -- lots of doctors appts to get ready for Stanford transplant evaluation so not a lot to write about (YET!)

Mushy Song Monday

2009-03-02T02:16:00.000-08:00

I know. This has got to be the worse :) How awful to be in love!

Time After Time
(S. Cahn - J. Styne)

Time after time
I tell myself that I'm
So lucky to be loving you.

So lucky to be
The one you run to see
In the evening, when the day is through.

I only know what I know
The passing years will show
You've kept my love so young, so new.

And time after time
I tell myself that I'm
So lucky to be loving you.

Chris S. plays basketball--

2009-02-08T15:57:00.001-08:00

Check out my nephew, Christopher! And... wait for it...

I F*CKING HATE DIALYSIS

2009-02-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's ALL CAPS, no picture, no smiley-faces.

(A friend of mine asked me what percentage of time did I spend being depressed about this disease and I said only 10% because I had to make sure I stayed positive when I'm surrounded by so much illness. He agreed that was a good assessment and congratulated me. But not today, not right now.)

I knew it was going to be hard coming back from Los Angeles... but I didn't think I'd be as pissed off and upset as I am. It's be 5 days and 3 dialysis sessions back in the Bay Area, AND I HATE THIS SHIT!

Last week I was so busy visiting friends, eating food at restaurants I've missed, driving around in sunshine with energy I haven't had in two months, no backache getting out of chairs, beds or cars, no huffing and puffing up stairs...

I ACTUALLY FELT NORMAL AGAIN. I didn't want to talk about dialysis and I loved soaking up the compliments:

"You look great!" "What a terrific haircut!" "Wow, have you lost weight!"

But this week... my phosphorus is way up. My blood pressure dropped to 60/35 on Wed and I was close to passing out, and I had the worse stomachache ever and they had to add 1000 saline back into me to get my BP up. Today, I poked with both a Hepatitis B shot and TB screening, and Sunday I have to do a 24-hour urine collection to see how my kidneys are functioning and if I have sit in that god damn chair longer.

I also found out the transplant program in Stanford is slow as molasses -- my first two meetings are end of February and end of March. WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG?! Isn't there someone I can PAY for this NOW?! I was not expecting this at all... I'd been warned that "transplants can take 3-5 years to be on a list so don't expect it to be on your time" BUT TO GET A FUCKING APPOINTMENT?

And then I find out how little I get from SSI -- and I even have a premium to pay for MediCare. Did you know that? I didn't know that! UGH. Talk about feeling absolutely helpless.

Lastly... I CAN'T SLEEP. I don't know if it's because I'm not getting enough dialysis or it's completely emotional... but I overslept twice through my alarm. Wednesday I made an LA friend stay on the phone with me until 3:15 am because I was so anxious and anxiety-ridden I was pacing the house trying to that "coked-up feeling" out of my system by sweating or something. And I was so upset that I didn't know any 24-hour places/diners I could go to like I know in LA...

I FEEL SO TRAPPED AND I HATE IT!

I HATE IT I HATE IT HATE IT...

Oh dear God, please don't think I'm not grateful for all the medical advances, and friends and family and all because I so AM, and really don't want to drag anyone down. And I know there's some reason for me to be going through this bullshit crap... I just don't know why yet AND IT SUCKS.

MUSH! Seriously.

2009-01-22T11:05:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I've blogged about the old "love life" -- and guess what, I'm not even going to do it here! Seriously. I actually have a private place I write about the current stuff to (1) protect my "victim(s)" from my insanity (2) keep it real for myself while I'm in the midst of it, and because (3) it's all so disgustingly MUSHY I can't even bear to read it myself, much less publish it for human consumption!

But I can say that as I've been transcribing some music for my friend Rick Lasquete for an audition, "Guy B" has never left my mind or my heart. Seriously.

I first heard this sung by Kevin Kline as composer Cole Porter in "De-Lovely", singing it to Ashley Judd... made me ball my eyes out. (If you now about Cole Porter and his life... oh boy...) And today, it's happening again: I miss my guy.

Enjoy "So In Love" from the musical Kiss Me Kate, sung here by Brent Barrett in the London production. And yes, Guy B, this one's for you.

SO IN LOVE

Strange, dear, but true, dear,
When I'm close to you, dear,
The stars fill the sky,
So in love with you am I.
Even without you
My arms fold about you.
You know, darling why,
So in love with you am I.
In love with the night mysterious
The night when you first were there.
In love with my joy delirious
When I knew that you could care.
So taunt me and hurt me,
Deceive me, desert me,
I'm yours 'til I die,
So in love,
So in love,
So in love with you, my love, am I.

The Pity Pot Sucks

2009-01-20T11:12:00.000-08:00

I was on the phone Sunday night (yesterday morning) until 3:15 am I didn't get to sleep until around 4:00 for my "nap" before I leave for dialysis at 5:20. Lest this sounds miserable, it's really has been quite the habit for me since starting this whole rigmarole. But this time I turned off the first of the cell phone alarms instead letting all three ring... and I overslept for the first time and didn't get to the clinic until 6:05. UGH.

It was downhill after that.

I weighed in at 104.9 kg -- my lowest weight ever, and even after a very thirsty weekend. Woohoo, I thought -- I'm losing real weight here, yeah, not just water! Now that I was given a new dry weight of 103.5, I'm figuring I only have to lose 1400 cc this session and won't have to go over the dreaded 2000 or 2500 where I've always started cramping. So 1400 plus the 500 they add for saline in the tubes (don't ask me how that works), the total they should've plugged in was 1900. Good job, Madley!

But the RN (whose name I've conveniently forgot today) heard some "crackling" in my lungs -- a new thing for me -- which means even though there's no swelling in the ankles, there's f*cking liquid in my lungs and they need to take that shit out. UGH.

So after I get do my standing blood pressure (which is always high to me, today 185/103) but they say it goes down after dialysis so they don't worry about it, I apologize for oversleeping and being late.

"Well, we might have to cut your time then." (Someone sits in my chair for second shift.)

Ooh, there's a consequence for you, and I make a mental note never to do that again and risk my Compliancy. A shocking grown-up thought.

But then Devil Nurse adds, "Can we do 2500? Let's just try it."

No way, I say and tell her I'm afraid of those stinking leg cramps (and I get it already, I don't need more punishment!)

She says, okay, how about we try 2300, just to get rid of that water, okay?"

My eyeballs are huge and glowing: "All right," I say. "But if I start to cramp, I'm gonna start screaming."

So off we go... I put the TV on ABC (because there's nothing else to watch on the crap stations in the clinic at 6:00 am) and curl up with my DaVita blanket. After giving Dennis, the cute ex-LA tech guy a copy of Salo-Salo and we laugh about how white boy Travis' can speak Tagalog better than either us "natives" -- I fall asleep for my treatment. Funny, I never thought I'd be able to do that, and I always come armed with a backpack full of magazines, a DVD player, DVDs and my cell phone, but now I sleep really well there. I always like to rest when there's noise and others around -- I tell people it's like taking a three-hour flight somewhere and you just can't leave your seat...

I wake up about 30 minutes before the end of treatment and make an early call to girlfriend who's having some medical issues of her own... when all of a sudden my eyes start freaking out and the TV screen looks weird.

"Oh no, something's happening," I tell her, and promise to call her back. "Dennis, Dennis...!" and he comes over from another patient to turn off the fluid removal on machine.

"Blood pressure, blood pressure," I say kinda of panicky, and he presses the BP button.

By the time the BP machine has finished compressing my arm, I'm peeling off my blanket and coat. I look at the machine: 80/45 -- and the 45 is in RED.

"Dennis, Dennis... please... saline, please." I know it takes 2-3 minutes for relief and I'm trying to be calm but now I'm nauseous and trying to fan myself with my hands. Dennis comes over quickly and gives me 200 cc saline back -- I can tell he's just as alarmed at that BP number.

My eyes are welling up -- I can't keep myself calm. Dennis throws me a little sweet sarcasm: "And you worried about your blood pressure being too high."

I smile... but I can't wait. "More please, more saline please." ( What am I, fucking Oliver?) He gives me more and at this point I don't give a shit if I get it ALL back and miss my dry weight altogether. FILL ME THE FUCK UP.

Eventually, the BP rises (100/65) and I'm no longer dizzy or sick. I get up to do my standing BP, and go to scale again: 103.7.

I go back to my chair and Devil Nurse asks me for my weight -- and if I could've shot her an even more "devilly" look, I think I did, with the underlying thought of: Take THAT, you bitch. I'm not listening to your shit again! You guys tell us to be in charge, to tell you what we can or can't tolerate -- and surprisingly enough, I actually KNEW how to take care of myself this time. I just didn't listen.

Well fuck that, I'm not letting that happen again. I'd rather err on not enough...

Which reminds me, the PA (Physician's Assistant) Nga (that's a Vietnamese name if I ever heard one) told me if my clearance isn't higher (which they can't raise manually because I'm on catheter instead of a fistula), I may have to stay for 15 more minutes longer per treatment. I asked if there's anything on my end I can do to prevent that... she said no, it's numbers I can't do anything about at all.

So I said okay. No fight, no emotion. Just acceptance -- this is my life today.

And then I was pretty much wiped. Went again to see the old folks at McDonald's for a half cup of coffee and a half Egg McMuffin. All day I tried to drink more bitter, sour things so I wouldn't want more liquid. I love all my juices, but unsweetened ice tea water w/ lemon quenches my thirst more... and I now I drink it in a wine glass so I don't feel so deprived. I SWEAR I hate this liquid restriction the most... the food I can deal with, but for someone who used to drink tons of water all the time... it's miserable.

Then all I did was sleep, watch reality TV and talk for a few minutes on the phone. Couldn't get on the computer to read emails or anything... I don't know if I was comforting myself or letting myself dive into pathetic pity-dom...

So sorry if I haven't answered your emails yet. I'm on it today, with lots of errands and tasks to do before Travis gets here and we leave for LA (my parents won't let me drive up there by myself and I need my car there!), and to get ready for the whole moving process itself... yuck. I'm sure I'll have more to write about at some point... til now, I'll let the celebrations for Our New President ride me over the hump.

The Big D

2009-01-13T13:01:00.000-08:00

All right -- the right side isn't my BEST side... but does anyone really HAVE a best side at 5:45 in the morning? LOL

I brought my niece's digital camera to document "a typical dialysis morning" (ah, so creative!), but when Dennis, the cute ex-LA tech guy pulled out the camera, I'd burned up the battery, darn it! (Sorry, Steph.) But I couldn't resist having him take one with my camera phone... (come on, one flirts where one can ;)

This is me in the chair/leather-bark-a-lounger, hooked up from my chest catheter to my "kidney" -- it's that pink plastic tubular thing on the right filled with a zillion coffee-like filters connected to both dark maroon (!) and white (saline) tubes.

It's funny -- I'm not queasy about looking at everybody's the tubes of warm blood (yeah, I know it's warm, because they clip the tubing to your shirt sleeve), but I still haven't seen my open "access," i.e. the catheter without the bandages. And even though there's all this red stuff floating around, I'm okay... except one time a few drops got on the white cloth they pin under the tubing near your chest -- and I saw it and I totally freaked out: "Get it off, get it off!"

Somehow I couldn't stomach seeing it that way, uncontained... it looked like an accident, yikes!

More details to come (and with more gory, gross photos too HAHAHA) --

Phase Two

2009-01-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

Dear Viv,

Thanks so much for the New Year's card and the well-wishes! (I'm so glad this website kept reminding me this card came, I missed it the first time!) I sure am looking forward to a better year, even though I'm still in the throes (second of three hits) of Pluto square Moon AND Pluto square Venus. Fortunately I'll be done mid-end of 2009... yikes! Who knew it'd be so ROUGH?!

I've not been up to updating my blog lately, as I'm pretty much trying to stay in the present and get a bit on even keel for now before I start the process of getting a fistula (dialysis access on the arm instead of my chest catheter that takes 1-2 months to heal) and transplant (signing up at Stanford). Both are a bit scary to me, but I am determined to be aggressive here and get back to a more regular life.

Speaking of regular life, Anita and Meredith came and visited me after their Christmas stay in SF w/ Terry-Linn... wow, what a relief to see them! Like Los Angeles came to ME and I actually HAD a life again! I told them I felt like I could really be myself because so much of my energy and focus is being positive especially in front of my family (and their friends and kin) so they don't worry so much and I don't get sucked down the depression drain (easy to do when you're around all this medical crap). But Anita reminded me if I don't let my family know how I feel, that is really going to play into my lesson: Not being heard or seen in the family! Lessons SUCK, don't they?! -- eh, so we all got challenges in that area. LOL Mom and Dad get the daily ups and downs since I live here (I snap and growl sometimes -- it's not fun at this age to be living w/ the folks again...), but not so much everyone else... My one brother who I haven't seen for awhile was here with his family for the holidays asked me at our first family dinner in a long time about the process... and after telling everyone all the details once I walk into the dialysis center, matter of factly asked me asked how long I was going to have to be doing this for. Both my mom and I popped up: "Forever." By the look on his face, that might have given him a little bit of a shock/surprise.

Yesterday I had the worse (dialysis) treatment ever! I started getting hot and my eyes started getting weird and I got dizzy and nauseous... for the first time I actually had to call for a tech because I didn't know what was happening: "Zinnia, Zinnia!" Not too panicked, but very anxiety-ridden, and fortunately this young lady was as stable and strong as a horse and she let me grab on to her arm as she put me way on my back (elevated my legs so the blood went back to my head) as she cut the liquid removal and gave me some saline (via catheter, not by mouth). I didn't cry, but I really thought I had been extra careful with my food and liquid intake so I could avoid the excruciating leg cramps I got last week after Christmas...

I was more panicked and angry than anything, especially when she said it would still be 1-2 minutes after the saline before I would get some relief. Talk about cursing the high heavens! Fortunately, she was VERY VERY calming and pumped me with TONS of information as to what was happening and that was so comforting to me (yes, I still have a Hal 9000 for right hand head line!). And she was gentle and matter-of-fact to tell me that every treatment would be different as to cramping, symptoms, relief -- because of how much liquid they would take out, how much I'd consumed before... all kinds of numbers and parameters. It's just because I was new to it all, I don't know the signals I'm getting when stuff starts to hit the wall so I can prepare for the discomfort or warn them ahead of time so they can make adjustments and watch out for me before treatment starts... I swear Zinnia was a life-saver yesterday... and I just couldn't go straight home to sleep. I ended up joining my mom and dad at their daily after-mass-coffee-klatch-at-McDonald's with their six or seven friends (including a Catholic priest!) -- don't worry, I had my own breakfast with me and sipped on a half-cup of coffee (I have to stay COMPLIANT). I guess I ran out of any of my own resources, so off I went to get some love and laughs from these septo- and octogenarians!

So basically, the thing I have to remember to remember (!) is that even though I look good (it sure is easy to lose weight now... exercising starts next week) and happy (you know I'm a crazy optimist) -- this thing -- polycystic kidney disease (PKD) -- is chronic (which means I have to be ultra-aware of everything that's going on with me), and dialysis, though it makes me feel so much better (I sleep! I have energy!), is mother-fucking HARD on your body. Basically it's a g.d. machine doing what your body can't do normally -- your blood gets "washed" 13-15 times per session... can you IMAGINE that? I don't think your dishes or your laundry goes through that much cleaning at one time.

I will say, I do like where I'm getting dialysis though, DaVita Dialysis Center -- it's about six miles away and is considered a big center because there are 30 "chairs" there... oh, it was so depressing when I first in went to do my paperwork. They took me to the "room" so I could get my catheter dressing changed (they do that after every treatment, but I was nervous I'd gotten it wet and the worse thing that can happen is to get an infection as it's straight blood access to my heart)... and I swear I couldn't even control it, I wept like a baby. There are a zillion techs and a half-a-zillion RNs wandering around in scrubs and paper surgical robes, white masks and face shields... and all kinds of alarms and beeps going off, and funky (not bad) medical smells, like someone got a little too slap-happy with the PineSol, Febreeze and various other cleaning products. But the worse thing was that everyone looked like SICKOS... in blankets, hats, sunglasses, knocked out, in crappy clothes, curled up in some contorted fashion, OLD and WEAK and hooked up to tubes of blood. Good God, I thought... IS THIS WHAT MY LIFE IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE? Before I put on my own mask (you have to protect your catheter access from YOURSELF when they're changing the dressing) -- which I do at the last possible moment because I get claustrophobic with stuff on my face or lying flat on my back -- I told the nurse through the tears I was just going to have to get used to it because THIS SHIT IS GOING TO SAVE MY ASS. And I remember PKD is chronic... not terminal. So it's easy to remember to be grateful for advanced medical technology we have nowadays, you know? And anyhoo... I look like everyone else now. I mean, who looks good at 5:30 in the morning (except some of the nurses, who I tease have to get up at 3:00 to look as good as they do)? We're all just sleeping and watching TV anyway, and I certainly don't wear my finest for that!

Now that it's been a month and the holidays are over, I'm focused on trying to create some sort of life for myself while I'm here taking care of these medical issues. I did decide to go back to LA in January to GIVE UP MY APARTMENT... which I sadly thought was the last vestige of my independence and fought till the end to keep... Oh, to have a little piece of the planet that had my own junk in it! But the truth of the matter, that place is/was a dump, I've been there for 12 years and still never really moved in, and my parents didn't want to play $850 for rent plus utilities for a frickin' apartment just so I could feel "independent." (Completely understandable.) So I'll be there soon to get my crap out, and to move what little I want to keep to a tiny storage unit -- so my "turf" will be a little smaller, but at least I still have a foothold in LA! For what and why, I don't yet know...

I'm planning to stay up here until at least my parents 50th wedding anniversary party (July 11), a huge, formal shindig I'm planning here anyway, but in my head, I am OUTTA here after that... to where and to do what, I don't know... I guess when I do, I'll let everyone know! HAHA Right now (The Power of Now!), I'm just concentrating on keeping sane... find a support group, probably a shrink, some fun classes (in computers, design, and/or Tagalog), a trainer (yoga, etc) and yeah, maybe even find me some new friends! Talk about having phone relationships nowadays... I hear from some people (you know "who"!) in LA wonderfully EVERY DAY (if not a few times per!), and people I can call (on the east coast) at 6AM... but I saw Slumdog Millionaire by myself the other day (fab movie, by the way) and took myself out dinner, and while I do that in LA all the time... it just was... icky.

Yikes, I didn't think I was gonna go on and on here -- hope you don't mind I post this on my blog as an update! In the meantime, write me back soon and tell me how you (really!) are and how Lori is doing with her health too... I think of you two often... and empanadas and game nights too!

Talk soon, doll, and hope to see you in January--

Love,
Madley

PS. I loved reading Cojo's book, Glamour, Interrupted, about his own PKD and subsequent transplants because it was so HOLLYWOOD (and me!) and he worries about the same stuff I do (more on that later). Kinda hard living here in the 'burbs, ya know? LOL.

Manigong Bagong Taon

2009-01-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year -- Welcome 2009!

(And bye-bye 2008... whew.)

That's all she's got for now -- looking forward, all, and wishing everyone a FIERCE new year!

Wide Left Turn

2008-11-14T01:45:00.000-08:00

On October 10th I went and got some lab work done to see if I qualified for a high blood pressure study at Impact Clinical Trials in Beverly Hills (yay for Craigslist!). Inspired by Robert Rodriguez, who got his $7,000 budget for El Mariachi at a research study -- well, why not?

October 13th I went back to start get the final okay and to collect my first $30 -- only to be told to get my ass to a doctor because I had some major renal disease going on -- and no, you don't get that $30 either.

What? Huh? What's renal disease? I pee fine and I don't hurt. What the fuck? How did my life take sucha wide left turn all of sudden?! When I said I wanted to "have fun with my body" -- this isn't at ALL what I was thinking!

Tonight I finally sat down and wrote one of my dearest friends an update note -- which pretty much explains everything up to right now.

What a fucking trip.

You've got Madree Mail! (hehehe)

Okay, tell me you're not smiling!

In a nutshell -- for now -- I need to start on dialysis 3x week (3-5 hours each session) because my mother fucking kidneys suck. (OOPS, did I say that? I'm sure there's something metaphysically wrong with that sentence, but I also know I's gotta be me, and I's a swear-er! haha)

I've been diagnosed with congenital polycystic kidney disease -- emphasis on the CONGENITAL! which means it's not self-inflicted which I'm thrilled about actually. I didn't do anything bad to myself! I mean I could be in better health by being less obese, but I didn't drink myself to these cysts -- I'm just a "cyst-prone" gal -- evidence that since I've had many issues with ovarian cysts (that fortunately just went away). Apparently it's runs in my family, though no one right now has it... and it just "appears" with no symptoms because slowly you're kidneys were going to degenerate. I liken it to be bald: you don't know you're going to be bald when you're in your 20s-30s, but if you've got that gene, you're just gonna get it! (Or lose it, as the case may be.)

I have to say, though... everyone has been telling me (and I agree with them) that my trying out for this clinical trial re: high blood pressure has been a frickin' BLESSING. Remember, I came back from Vermont with this newfound commitment to "have fun with my body" because I didn't like the "old and lousy" way I was feeling hanging out with this cool 29-year-old (okay, I admit my vanity!) -- and then when I let Diane's EMT son take my blood pressure and saw the panic on his face -- I knew that's where I needed to start. So why not get paid to take BP meds?

If I hadn't gotten that blood test there and got referred to a doctor... and if my parents hadn't insisted I come up to see one here -- well, I asked the doc here what would've happened to me, especially since I was in no pain and no real "symptoms" but lethargy/fatigue (no iron), leg cramps and achy knees (uric acid in joints). She said I'd be in an emergency room somewhere because I couldn't get up -- or I'd passed out and gotten in an accident of some sort... and had emergency dialysis right away because the toxins would've built up so much...

If my doctor had her druthers she would've stuck a catheter in me last week and started me right away because these things (both of them) are only functioning at 8%. Yeah, you heard that right -- 8%. But I convinced her I needed to go back to LA to get some stuff done -- paperwork, for sure, but mostly I need to see my PEEPS -- and you're one of them! -- and some healers and some MD specialists -- and then next week, I'll start. I'm trying to work through the idea of surgery and this THING in my arm (where they plug in to do the blood swap)... not quite there yet, you know?

An icky thing is though -- because I'm waiting for Medi-Cal to kick in and I can't do dialysis on an outpatient basis until it DOES kick in (insurance), the hospital is keeping me there for 2-3 weeks! AACKK - an inmate! LOL I'm going to go crazy! I'm trying to find a nice way to BEG my parents for a laptop because I will go nuts... I almost lost it there for three days, and the poached fish the last lunch I had there tasted like FUCKING LEATHER! How do you fuck fish up like that, anyhow?

Good thing I have positive thinking friends -- who expect the next best play/novel/musical or SOMETHING to come out of me at that point (a writer's retreat!). And Jeffrey teased me that the hospital will end being like my Cheers -- because I'll be wandering around all over the place when I'm not doing the blood-washing thing. I'll give my cell number to all the RNs (I'll put it on the little dry-erase board they put in front of our beds) and tell them to call me in the library or cafeteria or what have you when I have guests or a pill to take! HAHHAAH And everyone in the Gift Shop to Admitting to Security will know that Crazy Lady from LA walking around with a camera and laptop...

After I get out, I should be used to life with dialysis and be able to leave and get care in LA... although the doc recommends I stay for a little while for the support of my family. I'll cross that bridge when I get there -- it's ironic that the day before I found out the diagnosis I had just FIRMLY TOLD MY MOTHER, that I was DEFINITELY not going to be moving here in January (which was the end of my "deal") with them. Hopefully that will be the case and I'll be back in LA creating a better, stronger life for myself...

And yes, in the meantime, I'm applying for long-term disability -- and I'll be putting myself on a kidney donor list. Apparently I'm considered "young and strong" and a fantastic candidate for either living or "not living" donation -- and from the research I've done, when you get one that "sticks" it's pretty much life as usual. You're taking anti-rejection drugs all the time... but it's a zillion times better than a life of getting dialysis. Family is supposed to be the best possible matches... but I'm not going there yet. I will say I've had some offers from some incredible souls though... but like I said... I can't manage that far ahead of time yet. I'm a little freaked out about where I am TODAY.

By today, BTW, I mean I'm on some mean high-blood pressure and cholesterol meds, iron and calcium supplements and a boring-ass renal diet (low-sodium, potassium and phosphorous, etc.) Thank goodness I don't have diabetes because a little taste of sugar helps now and then. BTW, it's nice to have my energy back a little since coming out of the hospital...I didn't realize how weak I was and how little an appetite I had. Appetite isn't quite back, but hey, that's a nice after-effect! But things don't taste all that great... food's just... food. And I'm lucky right now to have Mom cooking it... I know she's so worried sick about me I bet she and my dad will be on this funky renal diet soon too! LOL

So the nutshell end -- I'm doing okay. My spirits are mostly high -- except when they're not... and then I let it all hang out to whichever wonderful friend happens to be on the other end of the line. Sometimes in the middle of the night... that's the World Ministry of Prayer... and that's good enough for me!

BTW, did I tell you what "kidney problems" are in the Louise Hay You Can Heal Your Life book?

Probable Cause: Criticism, disappointment, failure. Shame. Reacting like a little kid. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The New Thought Pattern: Divine right action is always taking place in my life. Only good comes from each experience. It is safe to grow up.

I know!

And on that note (la!)... are we still on for Sunday?! Then we can catch up with YOU. My crap can bore me to tears!

Lemme know -- love ya always,

Madley

Salo-Salo is in a Film Festival!

2008-10-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

Edited 10/28/08 -- Travis WILL be coming and will be on the panel as well. :)

[Once again: here's the trailer for Salo-Salo:]

How cool is that?! Travis can't make it that up north, but I'll be up there to say hello and will be a last-minute member of the Saturday panel as well. :)

15th ANNUAL FILIPINO AMERICAN CINEFEST FEATURES NEW WORKS,
PANEL DISCUSSION: “FILIPINO AMERICAN FILM, WHAT’S UP, FIFTEEN YEARS AFTER?”

Filipino American artists will celebrate their own cinema with the premiere of at least nine new works at the 15th Annual Filipino American Cine Festival on Friday, October 31 ( 1-5 pm) and Saturday, November 1, 2008 (3-6 pm) at the San Francisco Main Library, Koret Auditorium (100 Larkin Street @ Grove Street, Civic Center, San Francisco)

All screenings are free to the public. (Please see schedule below.)

The yearly festival is organized by FACINE or Filipino Arts & Cinema, International, a not-for-profit media arts organization based in San Francisco that aims to promote and develop Filipino American as well as Philippine national cinema.

Two full-length documentaries, five short films and two web videos form the centerpiece of this year’s festival.

Cielito Torrijos’s Pag-asa sa Paglaya/Hope after Freedom, is a compelling documentary on a timely subject, the social rehabilitation of Filipino ex-offenders and the divisive issue of death penalty abolition in the Philippines.

Jonald J. Reyes’s That Asian Thing inquires into the question of the relative invisibility of Asian America in mainstream American culture by way of interviews with prominent artists in Chicago.

The festival is open to all media artists of Filipino ancestry as well as non-Filipino filmmakers ith works whose subject is Filipino or Filipino American.

Two action-adventure videos by LA-based filmmaker Ron Santiano which take a bow to popular adventure series like Heroes, while featuring Filipino American actors, provide interesting mix to this year’s festival: EVE: Beauty & The Blade and Wonder Woman.

Five short films complete the programme in a variety of genre and subject: the hilarious instructional video, Salo-Salo (how to cook dinuguan/meat cooked with pork blood); Yasmine Gomez’s music video You Will Remember, featuring Lumaya; and the short features, Jeannie Barroga’s Be His and Robert Casipe’s Afterplay, both inquire into the complexity of women’s relationships with men.

Noel Shaw’s Kundiman completes the program in a highly charged, provocative look at the impact of politics on an individual’s life.

A panel discussion will follow the screenings on Saturday, November 1 with guest filmmakers, Ron Santiano, Yasmine Gomez, Noel Shaw, Robert Casipe, Jeannie Barroga, Travis Kraft and Madley Katarungan, to be moderated by FACINE Director, Mauro Feria Tumbocon, Jr.

The festival is co-presented with the Filipino American Center of the San Francisco Main Library. For information, please contact, Mauro Tumbocon, Director, FACINE at (415) 756-7331 or email: mftworks@hotmail.com

Find below the full schedule of the festival.

Friday, October 31, 2008

1:00 – 2:11 Pag-asa sa Paglaya/Hope after Freedom (New Breed Productions, 71 min, 2008) Produced by Cielito Torrijos

2:11 – 2:31 Short Films Special: Blast from the Past

HoME (5 min, 2002) Directed and written by Matthew Abaya
she (7 min, 2001) Directed by Mark Bella and written by Bella
and Christopher Castillo
Silencio (9 min, 1995) Directed, produced and written by Michael
Arago

BREAK

2:45 – 4:10 That Asian Thing (Groovy Ghost Films, Inc., 84 min, 2008)
Directed, produced and written by Jonald J. Reyes

4:10 – 4:50 Wonder Woman: Balance of Power (Redcape Cinema, 40 min,
2006) Directed, produced and written by Ron Santiano

Saturday, November 1, 2008

3:00 – 4:20 Short Films Collection NOW

Salo-Salo (Poolboy Films, 5 min, 2008) Directed by Travis Kraft, Produced by Madley Katarungan
Be His (JNJ Productions, 7 min, 2008) Directed, produced and written by Jeannie Barroga
Eve: Beauty and the Blade, Episode 1 (Redcape Cinema, 30 min, 2008) Directed, produced and written by Ron Santiano
Afterplay (Tiny Oak Pictures/Crosshairs Entertainment, 12 min, 2008) Directed and written by Robert Casipe
Lumaya: You Will Remember (Subject to Change Productions, 4 min, 2008) Directed, produced and co-written by Yasmine Gomez
Kundiman (Pinoy Noir Films, 20 min, 2008) Directed, produced and written by Noel Shaw

4:30 – 5:45 Panel Discussion: Filipino American film: What’s Up, Fifteen Years After?

Guest filmmakers: Ron Santiano, Yasmine Gomez, Noel Shaw, Robert Casipe, Jeannie Barroga, Travis Kraft and Madley Katarungan
Moderated by Mauro Feria Tumbocon, Jr., director, FACINE

(from abrenian.com)

Ron "Opie/Richie" Howard Votes

2008-10-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

All right... you know where I stand. Right there with Ron Howard.

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

BakitWhy.com LAUNCHED!

2008-10-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

At PINKS in Hollywood, waiting for hot dogs: Kat, Ahmad, Dustin, Justin,
yours truly, Krystelle and Bernard -- Jeremiah taking the photo.

Congrats to the kool, BakitWhy folks!

Go check them out -- I'm so PROUD of this website and what they're to doing to unite the Pilipino-American community :)

http://www.bakitwhy.com

Your Ate Madley
("Ate" yes, NEVER "Tita"! LOL)

BakitWhy.com Announces Newest Beta Launch

2008-10-21T21:36:00.001-07:00

BakitWhy.com Announces Newest Beta Launch Designed for the Everyday Pilipino-American Internet User

Oct. 16, 2008 – Los Angeles, CA – A one week "BlackOut", from October 16–23, will make way for a newly redesigned online community, providing up-to-date and user-friendly functions that will help foster a fresh generation of social media users. A seven-day micro site will be in place during this exciting transition. The new BakitWhy.com site will offer features such as easy functionality, a national events calendar, as well as video spotlights on up-and-coming artists. The new Beta version of BakitWhy.com will continue to dedicate itself in helping to facilitate the everyday Pilipino-American identity, no matter what region or generation.

Known as a progressive advocate, information resource, and a place of discovery for and about the Pilipino-American community, BakitWhy.com will offer users material that cannot be read out of a textbook. Rather, shared personal experiences from a diverse transnational team will provide consistent and engaging content as well as help create a web presence for Pilipino-Americans. BakitWhy.com will be a premiere web destination; mentioned and associated with Pilipino-American communities both online and offline.

When the Alpha version of the site launched in the spring of 2008, BakitWhy.com developed its product to be structured as a content provider that evolved out of a mere blog. Spaces for conversation and debate, a place for community organizations, businesses, leaders, and organizers to effectively communicate events and campaigns will all be inclusive parts of the new Beta version of BakitWhy.com. With the assistance of video bloggers, or "vloggers," the utilization of numerous multimedia outlets will seek to diversify and promote a more user-generated product. This aims to help viewers feel more actively involved with their community online by creating a bridge that connects 3000 miles with one click.

During Pilipino American Heritage Month (PAHM), the Filipino American Library (FAL) named BakitWhy.com "Organization of the Month." Also, after only four months since its inception, BakitWhy.com served as one of the major media sponsors for FPAC, the largest presenter of Philippine arts and culture in Southern California. Pilipina-American blogger Jillian Fortin writes, "While there is a call for awareness and appreciation for our history, BakitWhy also reminds us that similarly, we must be cognizant of the inevitable growth that lies in the present and very near future. They've far surpassed any Asian-American centered viral site. They attempted to bring cultural awareness back down to earth, past the AzN hYpE, with the tones that have enabled Filipino-American traditions and stories to withstand the tests of time…the focus on what really matters."

With such feedback, BakitWhy.com will continue to focus its efforts in providing content that seeks to create engaging conversation, while honoring the Philippine heritage. More importantly, BakitWhy.com aims to help influence a more positive representation of the different lifestyles of Pilipino-Americans that the mainstream media has often lacked to provide. For more information, please visit www.BakitWhy.com.

Contact:
Kathlyn A. Amidar, Director of Public Relations
Kasama Media, LLC
BakitWhy.com
(949) 378-4204
kathlyn@BakitWhy.com
www.BakitWhy.com

###

"About You" Cecilio and Kapono

2008-10-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

Still too much I can't talk about -- so I'll just let YouTube videos speak for me. (Song starts at 4:30). Man... I AM SICK.

I know everything I have to know about you
And I'm not sure I really want to go without you
Our small moment that we shared
Is only yours and mine
No one else is really going to know
That I care about you

And all the questions that I asked myself about you
Give me answers that don't make me want to doubt you
Won't you come and be with me
And then I think you'll know
That if you come and stay you're going to see
That I care about you

Won't you be a high for me
Take my hand and fly with me
Don't want you to cry for me at all
Would you sing your song to me
Tell me you belong with me
Tell me it's okay for me to fall

All the things you tell me with your eyes about you
And all it helped to make me realize I want you
Won't you come and help make up my mind
You know it's up to you
Follow me, I know that you will find
That I care about you
About you

I'll Know" (Guys and Dolls)

2008-10-17T12:12:00.000-07:00

I don't know why this song keeps getting to me!

Adobo by Non-Filipinos

2008-10-17T03:17:00.000-07:00

Spent the day in West LA with Travis as he taped Kababayan LA, hosted by Jannelle So.

Manolo Carrillo, Jannelle So, Scott Tang and Travis Kraft

First Travis' adobo (with bagoong?! LOL):

Then tasting Travis' and Scott's adobo recipes with a little fashion show in between (??? I didn't get it either.)

After the taping, we dropped by a local Barnes and Noble to pick up the UK magazine reFRESH Aug/Sept 2008 that he's in -- pretty cool. Next stop: BROADWAY! (ha j/k)

Stubborn Stubborn

2008-10-12T23:22:00.000-07:00

Image by Mikey aka DaSkinnyBlackMan via FlickrI've been trying to force myself to write something on this blog but all I could come up with us was "there's just too much going on and it all sounds retarded, so fuck it, I'm not gonna say ANYTHING."

(Stubborn little bitch that I am.)

But then I just read from Micah in Learn to Duck about this cool plug-in called Zemanta that gives you suggestions on what to write about via random Flickr.com pictures, then suggests links, etc. Kinda like your very own, built-in 7th grade creative writing teacher in your home PC.

So... because I'm acting like 12-year old... I decided to do it -- and the picture above was the one spoke to me the loudest. FIGURES, HUH? How very me.

It's called Trash the Dress -- which also reminds me of a cool phenomenon lately where after a few years after the wedding, a bride goes out and PURPOSELY TRASHES HER WEDDING DRESS... to have one more last great time in that dress.

Of course right now I'm feeling a little sorry for myself ("Am I ever gonna get to WEAR one of those fucking things?") but it did remind me of the BEST VIDEO I've seen this week about this exact topic that you'll-never-guess-who showed me. (It was Travis, I knew you'd never get it -- he liked the videography.)

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did -- and Viva New York!
(I recommend you see it in High Def: CLICK HERE. Or watch it below and click on Full Screen.)

Frances + James TTD - Times Square + Coney Island from StillMotion on Vimeo.

The Colors of the Wind

2008-10-08T02:38:00.000-07:00

(Someday this picture is gonna be worth a lot of money!)

Okay, I was trying to make use a Stephen Schwartz lyric to make sense of my night!

"The Colors of the Wind" is from Disney's Pocahontas -- and the wind blew me to into the Barnes and Nobel in at The Americana in Glendale at 9:00 pm (that was corny, but I tried) -- and there was Stephen Schwartz and author Carol de Giere signing books for with about eight people left in line.

Thank goodness I had some cash, so I grabbed the last book, Defying Gravity and ran downstairs to pay for it. Back upstairs and there were only two guys in front of me... thank goodness I still had battery left in my cell phone because they were taking pictures!

I know they (and the B/N staff) were happy I was the end of the line so I kept it short -- introduced myself as the weird combination of bookwriter/composer at ANMT, I told him I thought he was great and told Carol she kept up a great website, Musical Schwartz. After they both signed my book, Carol clarified that I was bookwriter of MUSICALS and I said yes -- and I thought it would've been great to chat for awhile but it was late so I got out of their way...

I couldn't keep the sh*t-eating grin off my face though -- I'm not one to NOT appreciate a "God shot" when one kicks me in the face! This week I was told that "all I was was a blogger" -- that I wasn't doing really doing anything else... but guess what? I was actually going to the bookstore to work on the outline for Sailors and Nurses again, after a long hiatus away from it.

If meeting Stephen Schwartz wasn't a sign to BEGIN AGAIN, I don't know what is!

And away we go...

For a While

2008-10-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

"I forget that I'm not over you for a while."

Thanks, Nina Simone.

Lost in day to day,
Turned another way
With a laugh, a kind hello
And some small talk with friends I know
I forget that I'm not over you for a while.

A wave, an easy grin,
A smile to put them in,
Got other lives to listen to
And some music that I have to do
I forget that I'm not over you for a while.

Days go by with no empty feeling,
Until I touch my hair and touch my skin
And remember you're gone.

People say to me, "hey Nina do you need some company?
When you have some time to spend,
Drop around-you need your friends."
They forget that I'm not over you for a while,
They forget that I'm not over you for a while.

When I Die

2008-09-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

When I die, I want your hands on my eyes:
I want the light and the wheat of your beloved hands
to pass their freshness over me once more:
I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep.
I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want you
to sniff the sea's aroma that we loved together,
to continue to walk on the sand we walk on.

I want what I love to continue to live,
and you whom I love and sang above everything else
to continue to flourish, full-flowered:

so that you can reach everything my love directs you to,
so that my shadow can travel along in your hair,
so that everything can learn the reason for my song.

-- Pablo Neruda
to his beloved wife, Matilde
Love Sonnet LXXXIX

===

It's been a hard few weeks, as the fall wimpers into Los Angeles and things begin to change.

I'm not one for poetry but somehow ended up with Ten Poems to Open Your Heart in my possession. This poem did not open my heart -- IT CRACKED IT WIDE OPEN.

I still cannot read the first line without my guts flayed on the floor -- I cannot imagine that truest love there to close my eyes when I pass from this earth.

And that's what's so sad -- to know and finally admit that I want love that hard and that lasting -- to not have it now wrestles me to my core.....

Yet some very strong and knowing women encourage me to read this poem every day... to flex this open heart, and to keep it wide open. Love will come, they say. We promise.

And so I begin again:

When I die I want your hands on my eyes...

Just friends

2008-09-14T13:53:00.001-07:00

Can't describe myself any better right now.

gapingvoid.com

Loved or Crushed?

2008-09-09T14:51:00.000-07:00

"One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving."

--Paulo Coelho

The Alchemist

So tired from this weekend still, and catching up doing paperwork, web work, emails, thank yous, etc. Will post about that intense experience soon...

Right now question on board:

Can you truly be "IN LOVE" if the other person doesn't love you back?

HAHA Isn't that a silly question for someone my age to ask? I guess you would say that if my age was all you knew about me, but not if you knew my true experience with this topic... close to ZIP.

So of course I ask it like a 16-year-old would. So... CAN YOU?

Maybe it's just a "crush" -- as intense as it seems -- or the eternal "unrequited love" --

A mighty pain to love it is,

And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain

And nothing like these feelings to make you feel ABSOLUTELY STUPID.

Quick update: Guy A and Guy C are still good, good friends. Will probably remain that way for a long time. Guy B? Well that's the volatile one right now... and also probably will continue to be. Funny, a friend asked me if maybe I should be a polygamist, that I like having these fellas to juggle in my head, or perhaps the drama of it all.

And I'm like, POLYGAMIST?! The thought of being married to One True Love already makes me nauseous -- how would I ever handle THREE? hahahaahahah

I think about the article below (Inner Gold) about projection... and that's what it could be with this Guy B too, I don't know.... bleech! (More code-talk, I know. Sorry.)

In any case -- I really want to know your thoughts:

Can you truly be "IN LOVE" if the other person doesn't love you back?

Creaky Old Bod Weekend

2008-09-08T12:33:00.000-07:00

Recovering from THIS:

Travis at FPAC 2008

More soon... (whew.)

Inner Gold

2008-09-05T17:08:00.001-07:00

My friend Nancy just called me with this and about made me choke (the good kind -- thanks, Nance):

"When we awaken to a new possibility in our lives, we often see it first in another person. A part of us that has been hidden is about to emerge, but it doesn't go in a straight line from our unconscious to becoming conscious. It travels by way of an intermediary, a host. We project our gold onto someone, and suddenly we're consumed with that person. The first inkling of this is when the other person appears to be so luminous that he or she glows in the dark. That's a sure sign that something is changing in us and we are projecting our gold onto the other person.

"When we observe the things we attribute to the other person, we see our own depth and meaning. Our gold first goes from us to them. Eventually it will come back to us. Projecting our inner gold offers us the best chance for an advance in consciousness."

[cut]

"The exchange of gold in a mysterious process. It is our gold, but it's too heavy for us, so we need someone else to carry it for a time. That person becomes synonymous with meaning. We follow him with an eagle eye wherever he goes, his smile can raise us to heavenly heights, his frown will hurl us to hellish depths, so great is the power of meaning."

Robert A. Johnson
Inner Gold
Understanding Psychological Projection

Get out of the house!

2008-09-05T16:37:00.000-07:00

A bunch of little errands to run before tomorrow's festival (some of my best friends now work at Kinko's LOL) -- anything to keep my mind off my own hypersensitive shit with me and HIM.

Ugh. I want to wallow in the "Going Out of My Head" and "Hurts So Bad" lyrics -- but I've been counseled that

(1) I didn't do anything wrong, so
(2) don't take this "pulling away" personally
(3) if this is a long haul, then it's a really just a bump in the road
(4) any change sucks
(5) gotta accept where you are so it doesn't suck so bad, and
(6) Cher's "Strong Enough" is a bitchin' revenge song (thanks, Prince :)!

AAARGGGHH! (Fucker. Just had to say that. My "spidey sense" is up way too strong right now.)

Tonight I was told to blog about 25 things I want to do before I die -- so I'm gonna FOCUS on that for a bit, on ME, instead of... oops, almost slipped there!

In the meantime, here's Cher's rad video:

"Strong Enough"

I don't need your sympathy
There's nothing you can say or do for me
And I don't want a miracle
You'll never change for no one

I hear your reasons why
Where did you sleep last night?
And was she worth it, was she worth it?

'Cos I'm strong enough
To live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath
And then walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

So you feel misunderstood
Baby, have I got news for you
On being used, I could write a book
You don't wanna hear about it

I've been losing sleep
You've been going cheap
She ain't worth half of me it's true
I'm telling you

Now I'm strong enough to live without you
Strong enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

Come hell or waters high
You'll never see me cry
This is our last goodbye, it's true

I'm telling you
That I'm strong enough to live without you
Stron enough and I quit crying
Long enough now I'm strong enough
To know you gotta go

There's no more to say
So save your breath
And you walk away
No matter what I hear you say
I'm strong enough to know you gotta go

Out of Focus

2008-09-04T05:10:00.001-07:00

How can I be so damn busy and yet accomplish absolutely nothing? Can't concentrate on anything, can't make a decision, don't know what I want -- or too afraid to even desire...

Have a big weekend for the Festival of Philippine Arts and Culture in San Pedro. I keep thinking I'm not ready, but heck, I'm not talent right now so what do I have to worry about? Or rather... I get to worry about everything else BUT. Logistics, etc. FUN!

I need new glasses. I need to see clearly again.

Where Do You Start?

2008-09-03T01:52:00.001-07:00

Since I'm not in the (self) rule-imposed August -- I'm going to let myself put some lyrics down.

Found out some real news... real evidence about him... my heart has cracked wide open AND IT FEELS BAD.

Him.

I can't keep my proverbial shit together... I'm going to have to hang out at Kinko's or somewhere all night because I know I'm not sleeping right now, I'm too angry, too hurt, too lonely, too afraid...

I bragged once that I'd rather learn to walk into a situation with my heart open and willing -- and then if it doesn't work, then I will just be building a stronger (heart) muscle, right?

Well, I was an idiot because I don't know how I'm going to get over this one. I'm never opening up my heart again. Never like that again. I can't. I don't think I'm that resilient.

Brad, dear wise Brad, had said to me many times that when he was in love he felt like he was the King of the World, and he loved the way it made he feel like he could do anything...

So is the opposite also true? That you are nothing when love disappears? Because that's how it feels.

Mike Valentino, I could use that hug right about now.

Where Do You Start?
from Michael Feinstein's "Isn't It Romantic"

Where do you start
How do you separate the present from the past
How do you deal with all the thing you thought would last
That didn't last
With bits of memories scattered here and there
I look around and don't know where to start

Which books are yours
Which tapes and dreams belong to you and which are mine
Our lives are tangled like the branches of a vine
That intertwine
So many habits that we'll have to break
And yesterdays we'll have to take apart

One day there'll be a song or something in the air again
To catch me by surprise and you'll be there again
a moment in
what might have been

Where do you start
Do you allow yourself a little time to cry
Or do you close your eyes and kiss it all goodbye
I guess you try
And though I don't know where and don't know when
I'll find myself in love again
I promise there will always be
A little place no one will see
A tiny part within my heart
That stays in love
With you.

A new "8th Asian"

2008-08-31T12:04:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a great, well-read blog based in the Bay Area called 8 Asians and today in my blog reader I saw a post called, "I Want to be Wasian!" and I'm like, "huh"? What the hell is a Wasian?

I keep reading about the writer's Daughter, The Cheetah Girls, etc... and... wait a minute... JEFF? The writer's name is JEFF?

Click on the bio -- hey, THAT'S MY BROTHER WRITING THERE! He's Asian #8 now!

How cool is that. Go read this article and this blog... and say hi to the Wasian-Wannabe's Dad. :)

I'm so proud!

Bobalu

2008-08-28T11:44:00.000-07:00

Lu and Bob are married now, and I just got an email that they are exhausted but safely and finally in France. First 1/3 of the trip in the Loire Valley, the second 1/3 in Provence, the last on a 6-day river barge trip and the last day in Paris. Ooh la la!

It was a beautiful wedding... my participation was mostly behind the scenes. The processional music was a short song David (the best man and who walked Lu down the aisle) wrote when he was around 10 -- Lu heard him play it on the piano one night and she fell in love with it. So he recorded it for me, I transcribed it, then I added a cello and flute. I think it's lovely:

Click to hear: David's Song

David also had an idea for this little video from the beginning when they met -- when Lu was checking to see if she and Bob liked the same things. So over the past few months David took some wacky pictures without telling them what they were doing (fortunately they were game!).

"Bobalu How About You?" -- It was fun to see it on the big screen, but even better to hear Lu and Bob laughing at their video surprise. What a grand night!

"Cock Block"

2008-08-28T04:14:00.000-07:00

* Amazing the words and phrases one can still be newly exposed to. Goes right along with previous post, huh?

* Just got back from Kinko's to do some graphic design stuff -- printing DVD covers, .pdf articles. My friend thinks the fact that Kinko's exists is ridiculous -- that if you know you have to do something by a certain time, you shouldn't have to do it at 3:00 in the morning.

I beg to differ -- there are no lines, you can get better deals with the fellow "vampire-like" employees, and I've got energy to burn. So I love Kinko's.

* So wonderfully satisfied by this wedding and my participation in it...

* Some people think LA is exotic. ST. PAUL is pretty exotic to me! Weird.

And that's all I got.

I saw the Mississippi River (sorta)

2008-08-26T01:10:00.000-07:00

Wired and tired in St. Paul. Happy to be here for this wedding... more soon.

Am reading "Rebel Without a Crew" by director Robert Rodriguez about when he made El Mariachi... I'm crazy about this journey of his...!

ZZZZZZZZZZzzz... that's a good sign. Need to catch up.

Go Away Little Girl

2008-08-23T04:15:00.000-07:00

I will always love Donny Osmond... he's probably a good man in real life, but he'll forever be the one who made me imagine there was a bigger world than where I grew up. (The Osmond concert at the Oakland Coliseum happened to be my first concert ever too.)

I wish I could call myself a Drama Queen, but I consider Mastery part of the title of "queen" so I guess I'm going to have to acquiesce to being a Drama Princess. (Empress sounds more Asian, but it's still too old for how I'm feeling.)

I'm going to have to make some big decisions soon and I swear I can't stop crying. I hate that I'm this "STEAMY" (fire hands, water heartlines) and emotional... I feels like I'm the biggest sensitive non-logical no-back-boned weak-ass wimp around. (Not stupid. I didn't say I thought I was stupid. Or an idiot.)

Does "drama" mean I'm "alive" in my cockeyed brain?!

I am being drawn into the mucky mire of someone else's SHIT... and I have to catch myself and CUT BAIT before I drown. Is their crap really more important than my own? Do I really need that much g.d. attention?!

DONE. Go Away Little Girl.

Mother fucking a--.

Making My Bed

2008-08-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

In the last 12 days, I have slept in my own bed for exactly TWO NIGHTS. No, I'm not THAT much of a sl*t -- eight of those days I was up north at my folks' house. But now I've developed this wonderful habit of spending the night at any of my dear friends' places so I don't drive home half-cocked (!?!). I usually wake up by 4:00 or 4:30, then sneak out to enjoy the quiet of the night before dawn strikes.

Kinda weird -- for being someone whose had some major insomniac issues a few years ago (I'm blessed that I can sleep now at all), I still haven't made my home -- specifically my bedroom and my bed -- the "paradise" that everyone says it should be so I can experience real comfort and rest.

I HATE MY BEDROOM.

It's a comfortable bed... but that's it. I might as well be sleeping in an Army cot, I avoid it like the plague. As a matter of fact... I have crappy "sleep hygiene" -- no routine at all -- pretty much don't go to bed til I'm about to pass out, read for about 10 minutes and pass out in the book with the light on. Hm...

Wonder what I'm afraid of?

Natch, I'll think about it tomorrow. I need to take a nap.

Posting

2008-08-21T05:34:00.000-07:00

I hate that I haven't been able to keep up my once-a-day-post-for-30-days schedule -- it only shows me how (1) difficult a writing schedule that is (2) difficult a commitment that is and (3) how hard it is to keep a commitment to myself like that is.

Of all the things I'm incredibly busy with -- the fact that I've not put this first priority really bothers me... I feel like "Fuck it, you screwed up, fuck it all to hell!" But I won't. I'm here, aren't I? Yup.

And even though I'm not supposed to worry about who reads this... the deeper I go into feelings and stories... the more I'm hesitant to write. Too many people involved, too many feelings to be hurt, too many secrets to be revealed...

I can't even "fictionalize" stuff because so many people know the real players... argh. Guess I have to be old and gray(er) before I expel any of these tales... suffice it to say, I've got no more tears left this week... I'm plum dried out and too busy. Catch me next week after projects are done and hearts have had time to heal.

Oh, an up-note and in a nutshell: Saw a terrific Korean movie called Oldboy that blew my socks off; and I met Mr. 2009 Philippines USA, Kapono Kobylanski, tonight at launch party for Hey! Magazine (and who definitely is NOT an old boy). Great evening...

Cut hairs

2008-08-15T23:41:00.001-07:00

I once read somewhere that you can learn something from everyone you meet -- from the bum on the street to the richest man in universe to the baby in a stroller to an old fart mouthing off in the grocery store.

You learn what you want to keep in your life, and maybe some other stuff you should get IN to your life a little more often.

So what does it mean when you find yourself "accidentally" hanging out with an international male actor/model?

No, not what you think -- all about vanity, narcissism, immaculate grooming, exquisite taste and absolute snobbery and bucks up the ying-yang? (well, not all the time anyway -- ha!) No, not with this down-to-earth North Dakota guy, anyway.

Where we meet as friends has nothing to do with his work -- but by osmosis I'm learning a thing or two about self-confidence in the physical realm that I've never been in contact with before. An athlete since age 9 and a former national wrestling champion has made this guy FRIENDS -- dare I say BEST BUDDIES -- with his own body, and he thinks nothing else of it except to take care of it like anything else in his life: his car, apartment, computer, etc. All matter of fact, nothing special -- and certainly nothing to be ashamed of or hung up over.

What a novel idea: comfort in your own skin.

Hm.

Made me get a haircut today, get rid of the gray and look in the mirror and not barf again -- good, okay! See? Successful learning... I'm Asian and not vomit-inducing. YAY!

I stand a little taller already.

In Fine Form

2008-08-14T23:57:00.001-07:00

Went to see two venues today with Mom, had lunch, went shopping at two Nordstrom's (y'all KNOW how much I hate shopping, especially for clothes for ME) -- then to my brother's house for dinner.

What a day.

And my mother was in fine form.

(RING RING Specialty-Sing-Song-RING of my cell phone. I pick it up immediately.)

Me: Hi, there!
Him: What's up?
Me: Actually I'm in the car with Mom but I don't have my headset on. Can we talk later?
Him: Yeah, sure, I'll call you.
Me: Everything okay?
Him: Everything's good. Bye.

(I hang up.)

Mom: Who was that?
Me: Guy.
Mom: Guy -- again? Why is he always calling you?

(Deep breath.)

Me: Mom, HE likes ME.
Mom: Oh. He must not have anyone else to talk to.
Me: Mom! Don't you think anyone could like me?
Mom: Well, I guess Jack liked you. He was always calling you whenever you were here. But he didn't have anyone to talk to either, did he?

I want to die. Is this what my mother really thinks of me? But I don't know how to "die" in front of my mother, I don't know how to tell her how hurtful she's being. So what comes out?

A big cackle. A guffaw. And then a big belly-aching belly laugh as I miss the onramp to Stevens Creek for the second time.

Tears are running down my face because we are laughing so hard.

I finally get it out:

Me: Mother, stop it right now. Not one more word. NOT ONE.
Mom: I guess I'm helping you get lost, huh?
Me: Please, Mother. Be quiet!

I find the Valley Fair Nordstrom's and park the car in silence.

Before we leave the car, the final proclamation (as best as my ability to deal with it anyway):

Me: I can't believe you think that about me, Mom -- and that you said it.

(And for the ultimate revenge):
Me: YOU'RE GONNA SEE THIS IN A PLAY SOMEDAY.

So there.

Behind behind... Ketchup

2008-08-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'm a day behind in writing posts and it's making me crazy.

But I'm not going to go PERFECTIONISTIC on myself --

So here's the "catch up" one... and I'm moving on.

Little Chinese Babies

2008-08-12T23:25:00.001-07:00

On the eve of the Chinese Women's Gymnastics team winning the gold medal, I have to admit something that's been bothering me for last few months:

I've been surrounded by men who are "into" Asian girls.

Now that wouldn't seem like a problem considering I am an Asian gal myself... but I never considered myself thought of myself (1) as attractive or (2) desirable so NATURALLY, I would never think the race that my face and skin are akin to as either of those things.

Ever.

Ideal to me was dark-haired and European -- like Olivia Hussey ("Juliet") or Finola Hughes or Isabella Rossellini.

Not me, not "my" people. We're weird. "Exotic" Less-than. Whore-y. Wrong.

Loaded with stereotypes, none of them admirable -- oh, except maybe "hospitable." (Yeah. LOVE that one. And "No," I'd hiss back: "I've never lived in Subic Bay!")

Less you think it doesn't smart to admit that right now -- it stings like a sunofabitch. But for once, being around these men who have a simple, honest preference for Asian women of different colors, looks, nationalities... I've now come to a kind of curiosity of little Asian faces, little girls' faces like my own -- like I'm an alien seeing them for the first time.

I'm fascinated... and I mourn. The time I've lost in self-hatred and non-acceptance is time I'll never get back!

Oh, one would think I would hate these guys who are only proud to announce their desire for my specific kind -- but I know now it's only a preference, like we all have preferences about everything else in life. No malice in it. And I get to realize, by TRANSITIVE PROPERTY -- that I am desirable too.

The teachers have come -- I guess it's taken this long for this student to be ready. I look into the mirror today and finally do not turn away.

Ache-y but Fine

2008-08-11T23:53:00.000-07:00

Today I actually felt the most "ME" I have in a long time in this house -- I had a day like I would in L.A., just up here. And boy did that feel great!

Got up by 10:30 (after only 4.5 hours sleep, what the heck, it felt good anyway), showered, blowdryed my hair (shocking I know), got online and worked.

Had lunch with parents when they got back from mass and their morning, then back to work.

Booked four appointments for four very different rooms and went over some figures with Mom. As of tonight, she wants to throw in the towel ("Too much money!") but we're having lunch on one of the catering directors tomorrow -- who happens to be the one who "booked and cooked" Mom's 80th at another location. And if I now my Mother, she's not gonna pass THAT up, so I guess we're really still on...

Had a lovely dinner while watching the parents' favorite "Teen Jeopardy." Yakked w/ Brad on the phone for a good long while. Got yelled at by Mom for talking too long on the phone: "Who was that? You talked too long."

"Too long for who?" I shot back, then got yelled at by Dad for talkin' smack to my mother.

What? Huh? Did you not just get on Mom yourself today for being too nosey and all up in your business?

UGH. Do parents ever realize how much influence they have on a kid? No matter how old that kid, one lifted eyebrow look can pierce the psyche for days...

Instead, however, of shrinking into a puff ball and blowing away, I lowered my voice and spoke in a calm tone... truth is, I don't know what kind of shit I said but no one yelled anymore and I went and watched the sexy male Olympic gymnasts in the office, away from them. I just didn't want them picking on me and my friends (and the DVD I just produced!) and... jeez, cut it out already! This doesn't make me wanna hang out with you guys more, you know?

They went to bed, then I spoke with Travis for awhile re: the next video shoot, and here I am. Other than being much better fed here (understatement!) than in L.A. -- I had a good day in my own skin. All is well.

(NOTE: Apologies if you are one of the four commenters on yesterday's post -- I can't read them as Haloscan.com isn't letting me get to the site. Will respond as soon as I can!)

Distraction of Olympic Proportions

2008-08-10T23:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to come up here and spend some time at my parents' home. I always want to come and "relax" -- but as I am always told, and will invariably be told some time during this stay, "This is not a hotel. Make your bed. And go help your mother cook. You are not on vacation." (Never mind I can't cook a lick and my mother is the Queen [and Sentry] of her own kitchen and I am more Nuisance than Assistance...)

False advertising, I say! When I'm away in L.A., my parents want me here with them. "We miss you, honey, come stay with us!" Underneath that of course is the usually unsaid, "You don't have a job anyway yet, so it's cheaper if you live here with us." Today what did get said was, "We can save all the money we spend on you and use it for our 50th Wedding Anniversary Party next year!"

That's basically why I'm here this weekend for them -- to scout out a location for their big bash. Mom is getting a kick out of having these fabulous theme-parties because she has her own Personal Party Theme Designer Daughter Who'll Never Be Able to Pay Us Back So She Should Use That Creativity Thing for Something at her disposal. Forever.

Their 45th was in Honolulu and of course Hawaiian-themed; her 80th birthday was a Project Runway parody, complete with fashion show of her clothes since the 1950s because YES, SHE STILL HAS THEM. And now instead going on a cruise with the family like she originally vowed -- she's putting her finally-graduated-from-college only daughter to work. After all, I have no "permanent job" yet, remember. I guess in Tagalog that means "Our daughter has no life."

What to do this time -- I have no idea yet. What Mom loves is having some event that none of her Filipino friends have seen or done -- and that usually has to do with the fact that there is an overall theme, a program and entertainment, and definite audience participation. Many moons ago at my Dad's retirement party we had a fun sailor theme where everyone one red, white and blue and we handed out sailor hats and had a game of Jeopardy with the guests that was quite successful; last party they all played bingo while the "models" changed.

So one thing I really wanted to do is find a unique venue, something Filipinos in their barkada aren't used to going to -- like a museum or gallery or mansion -- or even a warehouse and turn into a some atmosphere. Cool, huh? Well, apparently all of that is out now because (1) all these folks are in their 70-80s so it better have easy access to beautiful bathrooms, (2) no buffet anymore because she wants them be seated and served (another age thing), and no spending on real estate because "Filipinos don't care about art anyway."

Okay. Guess I'll save that idea for one of my own parties. And I'm resigned to finding another boring hotel banquet room. UGH. And I'll have to re-examine that "Party Planner" tattoo that's stamped in the middle of my forehead again and hopefully get some inspiration...

Of course the one place I love is the boutique hotel W Silicon Valley here in Newark -- less than a mile away and a little secret that's not on the wedding circuit around here. I saw it a few months ago and fell in love with the contemporary space and fabulous, intimate lobby, a "for sure" for me if only my mother could keep it to 120 people! But no, apparently we're up to 200+ right now so onto the Boring Banquet Room Tour I go.

Actually I'm resigned to that now because I told my mother tonight that I wanted her to get out every damn (okay, I didn't say damn) expectation for her party out RIGHT NOW, one year before the thing, so I could address it. I didn't want to hear AFTER THE FACT: "I thought Frances would dance" or "I thought you would sing" or "I was hoping that would've been a better slideshow." AAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK!

So tonight she said, "I just want something that everyone has fun at and they've never done before. Of course a nice video of all the old times..." and I'm thinking BORING! Unless I start out with a video that starts out with a voice over:

I'm sure you think you're going to have succumb to a video of my parents through their 50 years of marriage... but this is going to be a little different. This is a photo of them now -- and this is picture of them yesterday. Now let's get on with the games: bring in the elephants and the can-can girls!

HAHA I'm just kidding. But I have my work cut out for again, to make an event my ENTIRE FAMILY will be participating in, ages 9-49. Because remember I have no job and no life!

In actuality, I have a hell of a lot to do this August, and it's all creative work for other friends' parties, weddings and public appearances. Trying to bring that work here to do (my career all on a single jump drive!) when I'm on a back-ass sleep schedule and trying to coordinate with my early-rising parents is a nightmare. Why I am I here again?

Oh yeah. Funds.

I'm overwhelmed just typing this. Even the Olympics are no comfort right now.

A few days ago, playwright and prolific blogger Prince Gomilvilas wrote a wonderful essay for Asia Pacific Arts called "The Other Closet" about coming out to his Thai parents AS AN ARTIST. (Go read it here.)

One sentence got me (and I commented on it in his blog):

I am a child of Asian Americans -- my parents trump all.

Which is truly why I'm here... and why they're still supporting me, no matter what. They threaten to cut me off every month; they scream, "We're on a fixed income, we have no more money!" and they worry who will take care of their single, poor, aging, oldest girl-child when they're gone. But it's a dance we've always done and will continue to do -- until I decide to grow up and cut that proverbial umbilical cord myself.

Call it co-dependent, dysfunctional and all that white people-12-step-psychological terminology you want -- it's the benefit of being my parents' daughter. I'm lucky, I know... but I'm sharpening the scalpel too. I know I'm going to cut bait -- soon. In the meantime, know any sexy hotels in Tri-City area for me to look at?

(BTW, today Dad was reading the Sunday paper's magazine insert and asked me, "Honey, what's a blog?" I told him it was short for web log -- like someone's diary on the Internet -- where people talk about personal things they care about. That seemed to appease him... whew!)

Zoom!

2008-08-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

FINALLY.

I'm turning off the computer after this post and a quick Tweet and getting on the highway. Mom and Dad sounded pretty welcoming (as in we aren't going to ream-your-ass-tonight about not having a job) and have a steak marinating and lumpia ready to fry.

I feel better... the old girl is strong. Late night talk radio, here I come!

Edited to add:
Woohoo, I kicked *ss! Left at 12:40 am, got into Newark at 5:55 am -- 5 hr 15 min, a new record for me, 362 miles door to door! Boy I AM AN OWL -- only 3 quick stops, no nap and wide awake now. Did get here on fumes though... gotta plan better in that department.

I'm The Mole (literally)

2008-08-08T23:45:00.001-07:00

I've been pretty hard on myself today, for not being able to get out of town. A dear friend Twittered me this morning and asked "Maybe you don't really want to go? And would that be okay?"

I know I'm in a bad place when I can't decipher between what I want and what I should want. And who I'm gonna disappoint... bleech. Still trying to make it "okay" -- and yet how come my parents have called to ask me why I'm not there yet?

Yesterday I never left this tiny apartment. Not one step. Just holed up and yakked all night (yeah, to THEM -- what about it?!?!).

So today I'm antsy to get out, to connect. I go to mid-town L.A. and make a little gas money doing some Photoshop work. I take a break from that and go to Koreatown to interview a potential actress for a friend's next video. I go back to mid-town. I'm yakking on phone (and headset, which I finally found, along with my keys!), enjoying the sunset drive on a warm L.A. night.

I come home and watch the penultimate episode of The Mole on the internet (I think MARK is The Mole, BTW, we'll see!), sing a little more "foolish songs" with Regine on YouTube (boy, I wish I spoke Tagalog!), and I'm wiped.

So this entry sucks... but hey, even The Man Upstairs rested on the seventh day, right? Right.

Hasta mañana.

Long Drive Home

2008-08-07T19:25:00.001-07:00

Car's almost packed up and I'm finally getting myself up to the Bay Area. (And if I don't time it right,I might be napping for six hours on the road -- so this is going to be short!) I don't have a working TV in L.A. (I know, shocking), but I need to make sure I'm at my parents and THEIR big-ass TV for the Opening Ceremonies of the 2008 Summer Olympics.

Yes, I'm an Olympics junkie, and have watched almost all of them since the Olga Korbut/Cathy Rigby balance beam years. I'm also the predecessor of what they call nowadays a super-fangirl... yeah, I've met -- even "more" than met... well, anybody I've ever wanted to or admired. That would include a TV thug's cousin, a Mormon, singing twins and Filipino-speaking white guy who cooks.

Right now I'm thinking about my two favorite gold medalists: Ilia Kulik, 1998 Men's Figure Skating Champion; and Greg Louganis, 1984 and 1988 Platform and Springboard Champion. I so love what the Olympians are -- they bring the best they are to table and show us the potential in ourselves. I'm so lucky that I've met both of them, and have even gotten to know Ilia quite well (read here and here to re-live a little of that, yeah, yeah, I'm a broken-record with the Ilia stuff already, but it was an important time in my life!).

AOL put up a slideshow of the 40 most memorable moments in Olympic history that brought all those bigger-than-me feelings back (and of course wishing I was an athlete of some sort).

Until I get back to the computer... enjoy the memories.

Oh, look out, Mike Valentino -- I've never been to N.C. before and even though I don't have the same kind of power Prince James Dean has , I might just might have some leftover United miles... (Just kidding, don't send the mobst-- I mean... I better be quiet.)

Honey

2008-08-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

Driving home from CPK tonight I think I was craving something sweet because the only thing on my mind was honey.

"Honey."

"Honey," I said out loud again.

Then in rapid succession: Honey? Honey... how are you, honey?... Can I get you something, honey? Scratch my back, honey... Ooh, there, yes, thanks, honey... You mean the world to me, honey...

Ah, sweet affection!

I miss being called "honey." And even more so the old-fashioned "sweetheart." (Of course I cherish the fact that Mom and Dad call me "honey" all the time, but y'all know it's not the same thing.)

And I miss saying those things even more.

It's been awhile since my long-term relationship ended with Jack (oh, he's all over the early days of this blog), and when we broke up I remember that one of the hardest things to do was to get in the habit of calling him by his first name again and not "honey." That he was simply "Jack" is what made it real -- we were finally over.

But then Brad came a callin' -- "Hi, dollface!" "How are you today, cookie?" And when we were speaking very seriously, he is one of the few people in the world I will let call me by my birth name because he would say it with such tenderness...

Occasionally, I'd let a "honey" to Brad come out... and the walls didn't come crashing! I think he liked it... he didn't balk anyway... but I made sure I didn't make it a habit. WE OURSELVES weren't a habit, so it would've been way too presumptions to keep that up.

Today Brad wrote some beautiful things to me in a MySpace note regarding yesterday's post... I won't share them here, but it did remind me why I liked this big-hearted man so much!

He ended the note with, "I'll call you today, OK? XOXOX B"

But he didn't.

And suddenly I'm Shakespeare's Juliet at the end of the play:

I do remember well where I should be, And there I am.

Without honey.

Whipped

2008-08-05T23:53:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I was bemoaning the fact to my friend Lana that I have to make a trip up north and I DON'T GET TO SEE BRAD... which is the whole reason I planned to make this trip in the first place. A week and a half ago I needed to see him -- I was desperate to see him.

Now it happens I have a lot of errands to do up there, and I missed spending any quality time with my parents and family during my last visit. And yes, a couple of fantastic networking possibles are in the works there too... but listen, I WAS GOING THERE TO SEE BRAD. And I think he wanted to see me too.

Dammit.

But I'm stalling. Stalled. And I'm hard-pressed to get into my car and drive the 347 miles (and I even missed my niece's birthday dinner tonight too -- Happy Belated again, S!) -- a trip I hate when I'm alone because I get sleepy every 45 minutes and have to take a nap. Maybe I'll just buy some more Streisand tapes to sing to this time... Yentl, A Star is Born...

In any case, out of my mouth popped:

"I can't believe how pussy-whipped he is."

"Oh, yuck, Madley! I hate that word."

"Fucking guys. They fall for the One Girl and that's it, they can't see straight. It's HER pussy and no one else's!"

"I've always hated that word. It's so crass."

"What -- pussy?"

"Yeah. Gross."

"I know -- in our day it used to be one of the foulest words you could use to describe... I don't think you could even hear it anywhere except in pornos. But everyone uses it now."

"Really?"

"Yup.

"I gotta get out more."

"It's no big, Lana, it just means a guy is a wimp -- a big chicken-shit."

"Yuck. I still don't like to hear it."

"It's said so often it doesn't even mean anything anymore. Like 'bitch.' Everyone says it all the time -- it's not nice and I wouldn't say it front of my parents, but it's common. Pussy, pussy, pussy--"

"Madley!"

"See? Doesn't mean anything! Actually, it kinda makes me laugh--"

"Huh? Because?"

"Well... you know, my friend Travis here in L.A. was coming out of the gym and was crossing the street when suddenly some guy in a car cuts him off and almost runs him down, then screams out the window, "IDIOT!" like it was his fault for walking. Last I heard pedestrians get the right of way here in California, right?

"In any case, Travis sees that this guy is pulling into the Ralph's parking lot... which is where he is headed himself.

"So of course, he's pissed off -- and probably way puffed up -- and goes up to this unsuspecting guy: 'Hey -- did you just call me an idiot?"

"The guy puffed back. 'Yeah.'

"Well, your Mr. Tough Guy when you're in a car like that -- that was really rude back there. Do you want to call me an idiot to my face?'

"Don't forget now, Travis is over six feet tall and JUST GOT OUT OF THE GYM and apparently Car-Guy was just 'normal-size.'

"Car-Guy manages to sputter out, 'No, no, man,' as he tries to back away. 'I don't want no trouble.'

"But Travis was having none of it. 'You owe me an apology.'

"'I'm sorry,' says Car-Guy. 'Sorry.'

"'Good,' says Travis. 'Now say you're a pussy.'

"'What?!' says Car-Guy.

"What?!" says my shocked friend, Lana.

I tell her I'm completely flabbergasted when Travis says he said that, so he explained: "He WAS a pussy, so I made him say it. I said, Say it. Say you're a pussy. And he said it -- he said, 'I'm a pussy.'"

"Oh my god, Travis, I can't believe you made him say that."

"Hell, yeah! And then he started to walk away and I said, "Hey -- you got vaginal secretions dripping out of you!"

"No way, you did not say that!"

"Yeah, I did. Maybe I went too far to make him humiliate himself like that--"

"You think?!"

"... but he's lucky I didn't punch him out right there. That was rude of him. HE REALLY WAS A BIG PUSSY."

"Bleech," Lana says after that closing remark. "I'll never get used to it."

I tell her the word is just the punchline of a joke to me now, and new word for a coward/baby/loser. It doesn't mean anything to me anymore -- um, except when it's used with the word "whipped."

It makes me jealous.

And I'll admit it -- crass is as crass does: someday I hope someone will be that whipped for me.

Edited 8/6/08, 3:09 pm: Changed the pseudonym of "Robert" to the real Travis, who wanted credit for his humorous handiwork. And also to correct "vaginal fluids" to "vaginal secretions." When in doubt go to the source. :)

What Kind of Girl Am I?

2008-08-04T23:23:00.001-07:00

[Apologies in advance to songwriters and Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley, in case I completely rip this song apart... I had to read my own rules again because I'm so tempted to just post a YouTube video of Filipina sensation Regine Velasquez singing her signature song... but hey, I'm rushing to make the midnight deadline, so I might as well get this right too. ]

So that was the big question looming over me today, as I finally left the house to run some errands and got behind the wheel. Tom Leykis was on the radio.

Yeah, yeah, before you bust my chops for listening to such a... a radio host... (!) hang on there with me. The Boy/Pup put it on while I was driving once, which is okay, because I actually like it when people play what they want in my car, it introduces me to new things. I was not ready for Tom Leykis, but it sure made me understand The Pup.

Samples of LEYKIS 101:

* Never spend a lot of money impressing her on the first date
* Stop seeing her if you don't get laid by the third date
* Never date single mothers

But the three I remember most:

* Never have a sex with a woman without a condom, no matter what she says because anyone no matter who has sex without birth control wants to get pregnant. And just having an orgasm isn't worth that.

* Some women are crazy... you meet them after one night, you bang 'em and suddenly you're their obsession, they jam up you up with calls and emails and texts and they LOVE you. And if a guy is a pussy, he'll just go along with it: "Um, I love you, too?" Come on guys... it's not worth it!

* Getting married is good for the girl -- shitty for the guy. Don't do it.

UGH.

So why am I bothered by all this? Because... I'm recognizing my own stupid-ass behavior in some of these women. And I feel like a complete retard when it comes this stuff. Sorry, it's not very PC, but you kinda talk slum-y to the slum-y... and that's where I'm at.

I was actually a bit... moved?... this afternoon -- so much so that I almost called that damn radio show to THANK TOM LEYKIS for making me see myself -- and swearing never again to be that icky, needy, plotting, desperate woman that he and his listeners so often fall prey to.

I would've called as one of my many female aliases (oh come on, I know you have aliases too -- I only use the male ones for online stuff where I don't have to use a voice) and I would've been the woman that every other woman HATES, but all the locker room jocks and piggish couch potatoes go, "YEAH! RIGHT ON!"

But I couldn't risk The Pup hearing me and my story after OUR first night... eeee gads. Talk about GOOEY.

Anyway, I'm not using this post to beat myself up... really, don't worry, I'm not! Things are just so malleable in my life right now -- and yeah, I'm missing Brad right now as we speak. The question just begs to be asked today: What Kind of Woman Do I Want to Be?

Why can't I fall in love like any other girl?
Maybe then I'll now what kind of fool I am.

No answers tonight. Just the question.

Clear Desktop, Clear Life

2008-08-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago I got into a rip-roaring discussion with The Boy/Pup that made me so furious that I vowed to not to speak to him or answer his emails or open his MySpace notes for a whole week -- HA! Take THAT, I said to myself (since I didn't say it to him... oh, I didn't mention that? Er...)

And to top it off, I was taking the beautiful 1024 x 768 full screen closeup photo of his tan shirtless godlike body off of my desktop. SO THERE! That'll punish ya! Goodbye dreamy eyes, exquisite obliques, rock-hard -- yikes, get thee out of my head! (No, no... those pictures are not for sale. Yet. ;)

This is how my screen looked for three weeks:

And you know what? That's kinda what my brain looked like too -- clear and vast, open to possibilities. For three weeks my path finally opened again to MYSELF, not to him or the two other aforementioned fellas. Just me and space, me and the ocean, me and the sky...

Of course I talked to him the next day -- and every other day after that (I'm not crazy enough to let that go of THAT after a mere "heated conversation" -- see, I told you I didn't remember things very well!). But my head has been cleared -- like the first 20 minutes after a good rain in L.A. that takes all that gunk out of the sky and you remember that you didn't always grow up breathing this disgusting air... Anyway, I feel like I can touch my brain again.

Today, though, I read a quick article about 9 Simple Ways to De-Stress Your Life that Actually Work -- liked the word "de-stress" and the good overview of everything we already know.

What caught my attention though was the photo the author used to accompany his piece. I knew immediately it belonged on my PC -- not too Thomas Kinkade, a little fantasy, a lot of anonymity and complete calm. Ahh....

By golly, I put that "more-grounded me" on my desktop in a flash! There's no fear or obsession in that picture, nor, today, in me because of my three-week "clear desktop cleanse." But now with the new pic I can remind myself -- I'm ready, I can step back into the world again and it's probably not too bad a place.

Losing It

2008-08-02T22:14:00.000-07:00

It's 10:11 pm and my mind has been racing to think of what my sophomore post would be--

Relax. I say to myself. Tell me about your day. Anything "thematic" happen?

Well, yeah -- I've lost all kinds of shit today!

I can't find my house and car keys -- and they're on a big college neckband so I can feel it in my purse or hang it on the key cabinet (yes, I actually bought and painted a key cabinet, just for this purpose).

I can't find my headset to my cell phone, so of course I can't drive and talk at the same time -- one of my favorite things to do.

I can't find a photo album of 1998 photos I'm supposed to scan for a web group's commemorative 10th anniversary newsletter about our favorite Olympian.

Good god, yes... I AM LOSING MY MIND. No, I've already lost it...

Hey, don't be a drama queen... just tell the truth.

All right -- I lost a MAN this week! And I just didn't want to admit it.

Okay. That's better, right?

Yes. (Cue: Ann-Margret singing theme to Bye Bye Birdie)

"Brad" had a big crush on me in high school... I actually played his mom, Mrs. MacAfee to his Randolph in Bye Bye Birdie. He was a freshman to my junior, a scrawny squirt who loved hanging with us band/drama geeks as a respite from an ugly and volatile home life. Brad remembers me as being so nice and sweet, and that I paid a lot attention to him, but I, of course, don't remember any of this. I wanted to continue making out with the senior actor/quarterback playing Conrad Birdie!

One promise Brad always made was that someday he would grow up and be as big as a football player, and then I would want to be with him and kiss him again. Again? Sorry Brad, I don't remember that either (but you all already know I have pretty a selective memory anyhoo).

I saw him once 3-4 years later when he was in the service -- and wow, he did grow up to be 6'1" and 230 pounds big... and we did make out! But I was away living the college dorm life and he was "experiencing" Westpac as a U.S. sailor (and I use that term loosely... ahem). There couldn't have been two more different lives.

Fall 2007 and Brad finds a slew of us on Classmates.com and follows me and my name change on MySpace. How strange to be talking to this man after 30 years, especially when his memory of me is so sharp and affectionate. He was still a shrimpy punk in my head...

But he liked to talk -- and shockingly enough nowadays, on the phone, as he wasn't the typing type. How refreshing that was. He and his wife of 19 years were "having trouble" and Brad, who stayed in town, never met someone like "me" who was so wise, mature and empathetic to his situation.

A few months later there's huge blow-up between the two of them, and by law he has to move out of the house. So we talk... and talk. Every night we talk, like clock work since March. I was just closing in on the last month of my stressful senior recital, as well embarking on a new adventure on the "man" front... which Brad would counsel me on, kindly and gently, as a strong male voice of reason and experience.

We always joked that we were each other's "Number #2" and would flirt endlessly too. And I never felt more "heard" and "cared for" and appreciated because he really knew the essence of me... from high school to today. I LOVED MY DAILY CALLS, while relishing the fact that I didn't really have to commit to a "real relationship" with Brad. You know, that "don't really have him so can't really lose him" syndrome? And he was working on getting back with his wife anyway... as much as she would let him.

But guess what? I unexpectedly "fell" anyway, and fell for him hard. Went up north for a week in June, stayed with my parents but spent any evening time I could with Brad. After months of being so close "in the heart" it was hard to not want to be as close in the flesh! It all culminated one night in a high school-type "makeout session" in a parking lot -- imagine that, two almost 50-year olds! LOL. Thank goodness the Newark P.D. were otherwise detained :)

However, "it didn't feel right" and Brad knew he needed to go back to Sally and figure it all out, at least for the kids. (Yeah, it was nice to be THAT catalyst, huh?)

So I had a few good heavy duty cries and emails and said goodbye, just like Babs did with Nick Nolte. I came back to L.A. thinking it would now all be different.

And it wasn't. It got better... and my heart opened wider! My loving friends were so nervous that I would get hurt by this whole situation, but like Star Trek's Enterprise, I was boldly going where I'd never been before: I told them I'd rather practice being open and work a stronger heart muscle than to keep it closed and not ever care for this man!

It also seemed that his heart was closing when it came to Sally at the same time. He was throwing up his hands, surrendering to it never being good again, to the end being near.

Now if anything I learned from Brad, is that I don't deserve to think of myself the way I used to in high school... a gal with not quite the "most pristine" of reps. He told me how I should be treated because of how wonderful I was ... and for the first time in a long time I KNEW I WAS WANTED and worthy of a good, good life.

Whether or not that would be with Brad, we would see.

"Don't put us in a box, Madley," he'd say. "No one knows what's between us but us... and we don't know the future either. We just gotta tell the truth, NOW. I care for you... a lot. You will always be special to me. Remember that."

"Okay."

"And I know I have to be very careful with you..."

"Uh, okay."

"Now -- so how's your fella today?"

Isn't that weird that we could still talk about our Number #1's so freely?

One month later is this past Saturday. After a half-month of not seeing her, Brad finds out that Sally has broken her leg and is now Absolutely Helpless. And on MySpace his update read: "Going back to rescue the day. Mood: Gallant."

(Ah.)

The Savior Knight can now bring deliverance and he has his old job back. All is copacetic in their world again, roles return intact. And there isn't any room in there for me.

Thursday, after missing him three days on the phone and getting no peep online... I called Brad after a class. I like to think I bowed out graciously. He just sounded... so happy, joyous to be able to go back to his home and "fix it all up" again and take care of "his business"... how could I do anything otherwise?

"I'll understand if we won't be able to see each other next week when I'm there."

"Oh. You're very sweet, Madley." (Ooh. Two steps back and it sounds like a bad movie now.)

"I keep thinking 'grace and dignity' and I can do that. So we're okay, really."

"This open communication thing is hard, isn't it?"

"Yup. But no regrets! 100% eyes wide open, Brad, so I'm all right."

"I wish I had a more than one life to spend with you women!"

"Uh..."

"I love you, Madley. You know I do."

"I know -- I know."

I told him I'd be sad for a bit, and that I would really regret not ever being able to "lie prone" with him to watch a bunch of really cool movies (since he's quite the movie buff for not being here in L.A.)! And that, as they say, was that.

Fortunately, I told myself, if ever he wants me, he knows where to get me -- and then he'll have to jump through the hoops he taught me to put up for myself! (Again... we'll see.)

I cried in the car, driving myself to three faux tacos from Jack-in-the-Box. Bleech. But like I said, I'll live.

"Guy A" is gone (I still have Guy B and Guy C left, but that's another day) and now our relationship will be memorialized here in one August blog post. And a bunch of emails, MySpace conversations and photos. Soon I'll lose the memory of this too...

But maybe now I can find my keys.

Turtle Blast, Here I Come!

2008-08-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

I promised myself a small Turtle Blast (all 480 calories worth) from the drive-thru Baskin-Robbins tonight after I finished this post and it closes in 93 minutes so I better get crackin' -- I say, whatever gets the old girl movin'!

Well, something was coming -- and yesterday, it came.

Thanks to my newfound community at Twitter.com and the fact that I'm an absolute newbie there (these people are SMART, kids), an article found me: The One Month Launch by Nick Cernis. Basically -- you can do anything in 30 days with a minimum of Perfectionism attached -- so JUST START.

Intriguing... especially on the last day of a month... but it caught fire in this head. I can do anything for 30 days...right?! (Note to self: post re: Overeaters Anonymous-HOW.)

Of course, I wanted to call my friend Diane, who I am always scheming with to somehow get paid to work for ourselves in our respective fields ("Death to Bosses!") to launch SOMETHING to make me some good old hard cash. Especially since the theater gig ended mid-June -- I've been dry. Really dry. Sahara dry.

But finally, 3-1/2 months after my senior recital -- I had enough clarity to know this isn't about launching another business... it's about being creative again. Or disciplined. Or both... yeah, um... both.

"How" was the next dilemma: which of all my crazy jack-of-all-trades creative outlets should I turn to? Fortunately... only one has been sticking in my head (and that's because there's no money/camera for video, no musical collaborators who probably can stand me right now, and too much drama in my life to isolate that into a play...):

WRITE IN YOUR DAMN BLOG.

Ha! Okay. There it is. Doesn't cost me a dime and I don't have a pencil sharpener to fuss w/ pencils and doodle around with... but it'll get me going. To what, I have no idea, but at least I'm frickin' MOVING! (Which reminds me, I have GOT to get some new walking/running shoes. Mine suck.)

What's the launch? MADLEY THE WRITER.

(Hm. I think I like that. :)

A few guidelines/rules for myself though so it counts (because I sure know how to cheat on myself... bad girl!)

Rule #1. At least ONE POST PER DAY, August 1-30, that's actually dated the day it gets posted -- in other words, not futzing with the post options to postdate or pre-date something. ONE PER 24 HOURS. And better one good, thought-out post than a zillion random thoughts... I'll save those for Tweets...

Rule #2. Posts have to be ORIGINAL CONTENT BY ME, not just a YouTube vid I like, or a list of links of people whose blog I read that day or a lyric that makes me long for The Boy/Pup (no, you don't get a link to him yet, I barely know ye!)... ack, I'm getting distracted again already. Something with THOUGHT, Missy, or it doesn't count.

Rule #3. I am not to worry about selling shit, or who's reading this or what the hell it's for (unless it comes up in a full post I can be proud of). Because then I'm not in mining mode, I'm in distribution Hell... which has always stopped me before. JUST BE DISCIPLINED AND WRITE, DAGNABBIT!

Rule #4. I have to CONGRATULATE MYSELF EACH DAY AS A SUCCESS... and not just wait for the end of the month. Can I be here NOW, please?

===

With that done, I do have to list some folks that have already opened my eyeballs to writing and to life that I've discovered through Twitter. (Did I mention how much I love Twitter?! Oh yeah, I did.) They probably don't even know I read them, and they're all folks I've never met BTW (as I have great writer friends I know in the flesh too) but that's cool, it kinda doesn't matter. The Good Karma bucket goes around anyway :)

I'll start with three for now (otherwise I'm bound to break Rule #2):

Men With Pens - Web Business Tips for Writers, Freelancers and Online Entrepreneurs. Twitter with James Chartrand, and boy, you are CONNECTED!

Rock Your Day - Stay Focused, Work Smarter, and Stop Out Stress, Baby! I love what Dave Navarro (not that one) writes about working in Emergency mode ON PURPOSE.

The Producer's Perspective - A Theatre Producer in NYC gives his opinion on everything Broadway and beyond. My heart lies here folks (musical theater) -- and unfortunately I just missed meeting Broadway and Off-Broadway Ken Davenport when he Twittered he was here at a Hollywood Starbucks. Someday! For now, I get my NYC fix here every day.

===

Let's see... did I do it? Did I launch? Yup, I did. It's 9:11, I have to time to link and proof and that Turtle Blast is a waitin'! (Boy this reward-consequence way thing can get fattening...)

What did you launch today?

Something's Coming

2008-07-20T22:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to explain it, but something's happening, something's changing... already changed... Talked to today about work, skills, talents, money... purpose... future, fantasy, reality, men, boys, friends, jail and God...

Oh my. I need a steak.

Will it be? Yes, it will.
Maybe just by holding still,
It'll be there!
Come on, something, come on in, don't be shy,
Meet a guy,
Pull up a chair!
The air is humming,
And something great is coming!

A Timely Article

2008-07-18T00:41:00.000-07:00

I don't usually post an article verbatim, but hey, when it speaks to ya... (And YES, that's a barong on a white guy and a brown bride... DON'T ASK.)

===

Change Your Luck In Love
A simple answer can shift your path

Source: California Psychics

If you've ever been in love with someone unavailable (or a string of someones) - like that guy who works 80 hours a week, that gal who's traveling all the time, that oh-so-mysterious "bad boy" with a drinking problem (oh yeah, and six girlfriends), or someone who's already married, then chances are you've sung the "all the good ones are taken" blues...

But if it's true that, "every relationship you have is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself" then perhaps it's really you who is the unavailable one. Gulp. Don't believe it? Crazy, you say? Why would you possibly want someone you can't have?

Ponder this...
By falling for partners that are just out of reach, you get to have the idea of being in a relationship and some of the benefits, without the potentially painful risks a full relationship requires. If you can't actually make a whole life with them, you can't ever lose that life, either - get it? But by having at least a partial relationship, you get to stave off the loneliness you might otherwise feel from having no relationship at all.

Part timers
Yet by seeing them sometimes, by getting some of their attention, you get this and many other side benefits - one of the biggest being the "you never know" factor (and sex!). You never know when you'll hear from them, you never know when you'll get to be with them, and you never know when you'll draw their attention next. This is part of what makes it such a thrill and feeling of accomplishment - heck, even victory - when you do. Sadly, this is much more exciting and rewarding to many people than the sweet security of a partner who is always there, always available, and offering their love on a regular, reliable basis.

Just an opinion?
Consider this: scientists have found in brain studies that it's more compelling to get something you want some of the time, than it is to get what you want all of the time. This is what's so thrilling and even addictive about gambling for many people - with every hand of cards or roll of the dice, there's a release of chemicals in the brain that creates a rush of excitement. You could win, or you could lose and it's that unpredictable potential of possibilities, again the pull of the "you never know" factor, that keeps gamblers coming back for more.

So perhaps the allure of the "just out of reach" lover is just that - they're out of reach. So, if you're hooked on someone you can't have, ask yourself: If you could have them, would you still want them? Do you really want them, or do you want the feeling of winning that comes with getting them? Because with over six billion people on the planet right now, we promise you, all the good ones are not taken. They just may not interest you. But waking up and admitting this to yourself is the first critical step in healing your real relationship - the one you have with yourself - so that you can move forward toward having the life, and the love life, you truly desire.

Carol Allen is the host of Enlightening Relationships on California Psychic's Karma Sol Radio, and author of the eBook, Love Is in the Stars which can be found at a website of the same name.

Revelation

2008-07-17T10:42:00.000-07:00

I can't take crass talk anymore!
Not in emails, IMs, on the phone, in person... nowhere.

I don't know when that happened... but it finally hit me over the head yesterday:

It's ugly, it's gross, it's rude, classless and it's impolite.

It is NOT sexy or "hawt"-- it's not romantic and it DOESN'T turn me on, baby.

Mind you, I'm not talking about regular swearing. I can swear up a blue streak and have had a mouth like a sailor since high school.

And I'm not a prude either (and I'll leave that one right there).

But you know what? I don't know you. And some things are left for private moments for special people and not to be flung around lightly.

I don't know why I didn't get that until this late in my life... but that moment's here.

It makes me feel sleazy and whore-y -- and I won't stand for that anymore, it's not funny.

So cut it out.

===

Edited to add (after loving feedback from wonderful friends):

Now the real work is not judging myself for all of this.

It's like the veil has been lifted... and I see now how horribly I've thought of myself and let myself be treated all these years!

If I had a daughter I'd never stand for how I let myself be spoken to... who let me feel this way about myself, and let me believe that this self-talk and self-image was OKAY?

Well, the point is it's not anymore.

"Because of You" I Feel No Shame...

2008-07-14T13:25:00.000-07:00

I don't know how I ran into these guys on YouTube... two Pilipinos now living, loving and making music in Australia. I've never heard this Keith Martin song -- I love it and Sigrid and Lee's sound. I'm hooked.

I've watched this a zillion times already... and I think I like it because I'm watching two Filipino faces -- warm, kind, happy, NORMAL -- happy and singing, especially Sigrid. She kinda reminds me of me... but sweeter (and I enjoy her!)...

That's all I got today.

Because of You

If ever you wondered if you touched my soul, yes you do.
Since I met you I'm not the same.
You bring life to everything I do.
Just the way you say hello.
With one touch I can't let go.
Never thought I'd fall in love with you.

Because of you my life has changed.
Thank you for the love and the joy you bring.
Because of you I feel no shame.
I'll tell the world it's because of you.

Sometimes I get lonely and all I gotta do is think of you.
You captured something inside of me.
You make all my dreams come true.
It's not enough that you love me for me.
You reached inside and touched me internally.
I love you best explains what I feel for you.

Because of you my life has changed.
Thank you for the love and the joy you bring.
Because of you I feel no shame.
I'll tell the world it's because of you. (2x)

The magic in your eyes, true love I can't deny.
When you hold me I just lose control.
I want you to know that I'm never letting go.
You mean so much to me, I want the world to see
It's because of you.

Because of you my life has changed.
Thank you for the love and the joy you bring.
Because of you I feel no shame.
I'll tell the world it's because of you.
You.

The Best Thing About Me

2008-07-13T20:10:00.000-07:00

Been a long time since I've taken a quiz... HAAHAHAHAH the answer is not surprising considering my Purpose is found on LEFT JUPITER (Live your Passions). And of course, gotta work that Lesson to have that Purpose.

And fortunately, I'm not a heroin addict.

In any case -- take this test! Leave me your result... I'd love to hear what you the best thing about YOU is :)

Your result for The Best Thing About You Test...

Passion

Hot! Passion is your greatest virtue

Passion is an intense emotion that compels feeling, enthusiasm, or desire for anything, and that often requires action. Get that? Requires action. It's very likely you submit to your deepest needs and live life with a flair few others achieve, but many envy. All 7 virtues are a part of you, but your passion runs deepest.

Passionate types: artists, writers, composers, athletes, and heroine addicts.

Your raw relative scores follow. 0% is low, and 100% is perfect, nearly impossible. Note that I pitted the virtues against each other, so in some way these are relative scores. It's impossible to score high on all of them, and a low score on one is just relatively low compared to the other virtues.

YOUR VIRTUES

40% Compassion

33% Intelligence

25% Humility

44% Honesty

0% Discipline

29% Courage

75% Passion

Take The Best Thing About You Test at HelloQuizzy

Travis and Jaja

2008-07-12T17:41:00.000-07:00

Congrats! Now get ready for "Salo-Salo" the DVD...

"More Than You Know"

2008-07-11T02:27:00.000-07:00

Ah, the late, late, lonely nights...

Loved this moment in The Fabulous Baker Boys -- great story, characters and especially soundtrack (Dave Grusin KICKS SOME SERIOUS BUTT.)

More than you know
More than you know
Man of my heart, I love you so
Lately I find you're on my mind
More than you know

Whether you're right
Whether you're wrong
Man of my heart, I'll string along
I need you so
More than you'll ever know

And yeah... it's more than he'll ever know. (see previous post)

Deanna and Jesse sittin' in a tree...

2008-07-09T02:09:00.000-07:00

So The Bachelorette, Deanna, picked the Wild Card (and Wild Man) in an "upset" to everyone but us die-hard romantics, Jesse.

This shit never ceases to make me weep.

The "other" guy, Jason, the one who didn't get picked but was just as in love with Deanna -- was at the "After The Final Rose" show too. He was given the opportunity to ask and say anything to her... and it was heartbreaking to see HURT written all over someone's face like that...

But he had dignity, self-respect, calm... and a generous heart. After all his questions to her were done... his final statement was: "Watching the show again backstage... You never looked at me the way you looked at Jesse."

Which brings me to YENTL, once again:

Look at how he looks at her
Will someone ever I look at me that way?
Full of all the feelings and the soft
Unspoken words that lovers say?

I thought that I knew ev'ry single
Look and sweet expression on his face,
Yet this is one that I don't recognize,
Although I've sat and studied him for hours.
But now I see how love completely occupies
A pair of' eyes...

See the way they gaze at her,
Like slaves they follow every where she goes.
Do my eyes forget themselves
And do I ever look at him
And smile in such a way
That what I'm feeling shows?
Sometimes I have the feeling
Everybody knows...

And even though it's crazy,
Still I can't help wondering
If I'll ever live to see the day
When by some miracle of miracles,
He'll turn around
And look at me that way.

===

I want to be in love. Like that -- no less.

THERE! I SAID IT!

Surprised? Yeah, me too. Don't you know I'm emotionally stuck at age 16?!?!?! Yup.

Last week I was given a heartfelt, loving "talkin' to" about what I do when it comes to relationships -- and mind you, this girlfriend has known me for over 20 years.

"You want to be married," she says. "I love you and I know you -- you want to be with one person, as much as you think you don't and fight it. You do. Trust me."

(Ick, my eyes are watering just remembering this conversation.)

"You pick completely unavailable men. Look at the ones you're 'with' right now: not one is completely available to you or appropriate for you at all."

Yes, I still bristle at the word "appropriate" too -- after all, who's to say who's "appropriate" really... no one truly knows except the two people that are in the relationship, right?!

Apparently one of those guys, the one I've really fallen for (I know, all you friends of mine are saying "you mean fallen for THIS TIME, Madley") -- is a completely "ridiculous" choice, and I'm pretty stupid -- yes, stupid -- to even be toying with the idea that he could ever fall in love with me.

S-T-U-P-I-D. And R-I-D-I-C-U-L-O-U-S.

Wow. Harsh and to the point.

But you know what? I've never had my heart opened up so wide before in my life until this man... so I'm going to going to keep that emotional armor away for just a little bit longer and be wistful and longing and dream of love... and cry with more songs from Babs...

... because I like the way he makes me feel... about me, about my life, about my past, about the future...

... and I like remembering again that I even HAVE a real heart that still wants to be loved.

I'll think more about "appropriateness" another day... thank you, Scarlett O'Hara.

Edited to add Deanna and Jesse's website. Thanks M.B.!

Chicken!

2008-07-06T17:40:00.000-07:00

"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

-- T. S. Eliot

Catherine and her Ice Cream Cone

2008-07-06T00:08:00.000-07:00

Her Mom and Dad, Aunt and Uncle, cousins, sister and friend all came up to see "Wicked" but two-year-old Catherine was too young to go. So we watched an outdoor wedding at the Marriott and "toured" at Bonaventure Hotel and its 32-story outdoor elevators in her stroller for hours (whew!).

Eventually we did get a special treat -- ah, the simple pleasures!

Where the Hell is Matt?

2008-07-05T16:30:00.000-07:00

Leave it to Prince Gomolvilas of Bamboo Nation to find ANOTHER wonderful video to make me cry. (Albeit, that's not a difficult feat.) Thanks, Prince!

Enjoy... I know you'll love it.

Where the Hell is Matt? (2008) from Matthew Harding on Vimeo.

Leaving Newark

2008-07-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

Mom, Dad and that Adobong Manak guy.

"The Prince of Tides"

2008-06-28T01:47:00.000-07:00

Know that I will always love you. And thank you forever.

Remember me,
"Lowenstein"

"Adobo Nation" guest, Travis Kraft

2008-06-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

In Redwood City tonight with Travis as he did "Adobo Nation," the new magazine show on The Filipino Channel. I was certainly more nervous about it all than he was -- what a pro!

He was interviewed by the lovely Jaja Bolivar -- about the American Adobo video that's had over 200,000 YouTube hits, and about Poolboy Films' new DVD, Salo-Salo. And what a coincidence: Jaja and he had done an interview together just a few months prior!

Congrats on a great job, Travis (but you knew that already)! This episode of ADOBO NATION airs on TFC this Sunday, June 29, 2008 @ 6:40 pm PT -- be there and meet the "Adobo King" LMAO

As for me... it's back into the writing trenches... (the craziness lately has been overwhelming...)

I Have Nothing

2008-06-13T05:56:00.001-07:00

[I'm officially hooked on YouTube.]

I forgot how much I love this song --

I HAVE NOTHING

Share my life,
Take me for what I am,
'Cause I'll never change,
All my colours for you.

Take my love,
I'll never ask for too much,
Just all that you are,
And everything that you do.

I don't really need to look
Very much further,
I don't wanna have to go,
Where you don't follow.
I will hold it back again,
This passion inside,
Can't run from myself,
There's nowhere to hide.

Chorus:
Don't make me close one more door,
I don't wanna hurt anymore,
Stay in my arms if you dare,
Or must I imagine you there,
Don't walk away from me,
I have nothing, nothing, nothing,

You see through
Right to the heart of me,
You break down my walls,
With the strength of your love.

I never knew,
Love like I've known it with you,
Will a memory survive,
One I can hold on to?

I don't really need to look
Very much further,
I don't wanna have to go
Where you don't follow,
I will hold it back again,
This passion inside,
Can't run from myself,
There's nowhere to hide.
Your love I'll remember forever.

Chorus:
Don't make me close one more door,
I don't wanna hurt anymore,
Stay in my arms if you dare,
Or must I imagine you there,
Don't walk away from me,
I have nothing, nothing, nothing...

Don't make me close one more door,
I don't wanna hurt anymore,
Stay in my arms if you dare,
Or must I imagine you there,
Don't walk away from me,
Don't walk away from me,
Don't you dare... walk away from me.
I have nothing, nothing, nothing...
If I don't have you, you...
If I don't have you, oh you.

Breaking a Story

2008-06-13T04:23:00.000-07:00

Happy to report that I've actually got a new story to work on -- a two-act play with three characters (not a musical!) that seems to be writing itself right now...

Feels good to work on something creative for myself lately... thank you, God (and Nancy) for giving me Shakespeare In Love to inspire me. Haven't seen that film for ten years... and now... well, it so pertinent!

Write what's happening NOW. (I'm sure it's no Romeo and Juliet, but it'll have to do.)

Wish me luck.

"A South Pacific Pearl"

2008-06-13T04:15:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite of DWTS Season 6 Champion Kristi Yamaguchi and Mark Ballas -- their Rhumba... can't say much more than I love everything about it.

This Nearly Was Mine

2008-06-07T03:00:00.000-07:00

I am so overwhelmed and filled with emotion these past few... months... and even more so recently... that I can't even talk about it... much less come up with my own "original material" about it. So I'll beg the masters, Rodgers and Hammerstein, and the incredible Brian Stokes Mitchell do it instead. (This was an incredible performance -- a standing ovation after this song in the MIDDLE of the show.)

("It's dying. Pluto square Venus... dying. So, so sad.")

This Nearly Was Mine (from "South Pacific")

One dream in my heart,
One love to be livin' for,
One love to be livin' for
This nearly was mine.

One man for my dream,
One partner in paradise,
This promise of paradise
This nearly was mine.

Close to my heart she came
Only to fly away,
Only to fly as day flies from moonlight.

Now, now I'm alone,
Still dreamin' of paradise,
Still sayin' that paradise
Once nearly was mine.

So clear and deep are my fancies
Of things I wish were true
I keep remember evenings
I wish I spent with you.
I'll keep rememberin' kisses
From lips I've never owned,
And all that lovely adventures
That we have never known.

One dream in my heart,
One love to be livin' for,
One love to be livin' for
This nearly was mine.

The way to write a song -- ON THE FLY!

2008-06-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

I wish I could write like this -- instantly and in front of people!

David Bowie is and always be FANTASTIC, and Extras is funny show -- thank you to Susan Isaacs at Gray Matter for sharing it. AND congrats on finishing the book, Susan -- I'm thrilled for you! :)

St. Anthony, a MIRACLE please!

2008-06-03T17:25:00.000-07:00

Three different invocations:

St. Anthony, St. Anthony
Please come down
Something is lost
And can't be found

Dear St. Anthony, I pray
Bring it back, without delay.

Something's lost and can't be found
Please, St. Anthony, look around.

Saint Anthony of Padua (Italy), lived from 1195-1231. Born in Portugal, he was a Franciscan monk and lived in Morocco before settling in Padua. He was known as an eloquent speaker. Prayer cards manufactured in Italy identify him as the saint of "miracles," but to most Catholics, he is the Patron Saint associated with the return of lost articles and missing persons.

Please, Sir, bring me back those missing DVDs!

UPDATE: Eureka, St. Anthony found them! Of course they were in a "special pocket" of my bag because I knew how "special" they were -- but I forgot about exactly WHERE that special pocket/place was... until about 30 minutes ago... thank you, St. Anthony!!!

Clay and Jaymes sitting in a tree...

2008-05-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

I have no comment. Just note my jaw on the floor.

Clay Aiken Impregnates Someone!
Posted May 29th 2008 12:28PM by TMZ Staff

TMZ has learned Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy. In case you didn't process that, Clay Aiken is going to be a daddy.

Here's what we know. Multiple sources tell us the mother is Jaymes Foster, a record producer and Clay's best friend. He lives at her home when he's in L.A.

We're told 50-year-old Foster, who produced several Aiken CDs, is due in August. She's the sister of record mogul David Foster. She divorced a few years back and has no kids. Aiken is 29.

We're told Foster was artificially inseminated. But Clay is a lot more than sperm -- we're told he will have an active role in raising the child.

No immediate word from Aiken's rep.

Raising Cain: The documentary is ONLINE!

2008-05-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

From the Academy of New Musical Theatre newsletter this week -- one year later and the doc is up. WOW! And what a year it's been.

I am so glad I participated in the ANMT mini-musicals, and even more proud that I was a "subject" in this documentary. Maybe the next one you'll actually see me with my fingers on a piano... but hey, I'm shy about my skills when you've got such a pro like Myrna around.

What a great year time -- thanks, Kell and Myrna.

Enjoy the show-- from Madley (aka The Comic Relief).

A documentary about ANMT/Mini-Musicals! (27 minutes)

Last season, filmmaker Kellen Blair followed the amazing journey of one team of writers as they created the musical CAIN AND ABEL: THE NAKED TRUTH, as part of ANMT's annual rite of passage, the 15-Minute Musical.

Kellen himself was the lyricist on this project, which allows an audience a rare behind-the-scenes look at what it's like to create a musical.

Follow Kellen and his collaborators Myrna Emata (bookwriter) and Madley Katarungan (composer) as they experience the highs, lows, tears and laughter of creating a brand new work of musical theatre.

To watch the documentary (via streaming!), CLICK HERE!

The writers of CAIN AND ABEL: THE NAKED TRUTH
(l to r: Madley Katarungan (music); Kellen Blair (lyrics): Myrna Emata (book)

Mother's Day

2008-05-16T14:02:00.000-07:00

That's my mama -- she looks pretty good for being 81, eh? (No worries, she's proud to brag!)

I was up in the Bay Area this past weekend and had a full day with my family, who I don't get to see very often or for very long. What a whirlwind -- Scott's in San Jose for a beautiful extended family brunch, the afternoon at Jeffy's house for siesta (of course!), Vietnamese dinner w/ him and Susan in Newark, mass at 8:00 pm, then a little walk to visit with Jo-Anne, Auntie Gloria and Uncle Joe. All the while got some great "live feedback from laughing Filipinos" on the Salo-Salo trailer to share with Travis -- who knew that "bawiin mo yan" ("take that back!") was such a hilarious line?! They all HOWL at the line... and my mom especially loves the heart-ripping out scene.

"Like an aswang!" she says (a witch).

Here are those San Jose munchkins that I adore, Stephanie, Kevin and Chris:

I didn't want to go to church -- who wants to go at 8:00 at night? -- but Mom was hounding me, so what the heck, it's Mother's Day, and I didn't think it wasn't going to kill me...

At the end of mass, Father Jeff asked that all the mothers and grandmothers stay standing and everyone else to please sit down. He was going to give all the mothers a blessing and our gratitude.

And as I sat, the tears just poured out of my eyes: I couldn't believe I wasn't standing, that I wasn't a legitimate "Mom."

I'm so very thankful for my wonderful nieces and nephews and godchildren... and still, that is a big "ouch." I think it always will be.

Happy Mother's Day.

"Trying" at The Colony Theatre

2008-05-16T00:10:00.000-07:00

I couldn't get a ticket last summer... but I saw it tonight and am so, so glad I did... even if it was after work and I was cold and... talk about being proud to work at The Colony now!

It caught me by surprise... Alan Mandell and Rebecca Mozo got an instant standing ovation... and I can't stop thinking about it.

Go see it. It's not often you see a play -- or performances -- about life like this. I've been inspired... and changed.

[FOR MORE INFO, check The Colony's website.]

Salo-Salo Trailer

2008-05-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, The "Adobo Manak" Man, Travis Kraft, is at it again -- with a trailer for his new cooking surprise...

Only this time, yours truly was actually "working" this shoot -- that's me yelling "Ang guapo mo, Travis!" and also shaking a bit, TRYING to keep the camera steady on his arm while he's tying his shoe ;)

Enjoy... whaddya think?